


A year with Bucky

by CrushedRose



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes in Bucharest, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Bucky's life, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Civil War, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Happy, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, M/M, Multi, Not Beta Read, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Break Up, Post-Canon, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Endgame, Post-War, Sad and Happy, World War II, don't share to another site, not to be redistributed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 368
Words: 149,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22065529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrushedRose/pseuds/CrushedRose
Summary: Just as the title says, for the whole of 2020 I will be posting a small drabble with Bucky.  it may be sad, happy, angsty, fluffy, tear jerking or even death.  the prompt will also be the title of the chapter. Unless indicated otherwise, all chapters and drabbles will be independent and stand aloneDisclaimer: I don't own any of the Marvel merchandise, franchise and all the -chises in between.  this is just me, writing about my favourite character Bucky.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Female Character(s), James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Male Character(s), James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 1811
Kudos: 286





	1. No entry

**Author's Note:**

> On my other fandom, (I'm a Mystrade girl too) I started in 2016 with the prompt a day, for a year. it turned out quite well and I did it for three years in a row. The third time I went co-author and we split it in half.  
> Please as always, constructive criticism is valued. This is my stories, my ideas and even if you don't like it, don't share it, or hate it, please keep it to yourself. I do not force anyone to read this.  
> 

All the lovely banners were made by kocuria, find her on [Tumblr!](https://kocuria.tumblr.com)  
You can find me as well at [Tumblr!](https://acrushedrosestillwins.tumblr.com/)  


* * *

* * *

1\. Jan. No entry

Steve watch Bucky as he wash the dishes and puts it on the rack to dry. They are back in New York, in Steve's old apartment. Both Sam and Bucky knows he has a house, a home, in New York, filled with years of memories and photos. Both know that Steve can go back any time, but he wanted to spend time with Sam and Bucky.

Steve knows that Bucky and Sam are without homes, and that is the only reason they agreed to stay in the apartment. “A few nights, tops.” Bucky stated before walking into the home. Sam was looking worried, Steve confused.

Steve is burning to tell them about his life, about his family, but no one has asked a question so far. No one has asked him how many kids he has. No one asked him what year they got married, how many grandchildren, what Peggy did when she saw him again.

Steve wants to tell them. He wants to share his life, but no one seems to care.

The hardest part...Bucky has hardly looked at him, he hasn't spent more than five minutes in Steve's presence.

Steve knows something is wrong, something’s got to give, but he doesn't know how to bring it up.

"Buck?"

Bucky shoulders tenses up and he slowly turns to Steve.

"What's wrong?" Bucky asks, a frown between his eyes.

"I feel like I should ask you."

"I'm fine."

"You don't look fine."

"Look closer." Steve sighs deep and takes a step closer.

"Buck, listen, something is wrong, ever since I came back it's as if you, everyone actually, mostly you and Sam have this distance, almost like you have a sign that says 'no entry' and I don't know why?"

Bucky leans back and folds his arms.

"You don't?"

Steve frowns deepen.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Bucky let his arms fall to his side and walk over to Steve's side.

"Steve....just....Don't worry about it okay, nothing is wrong with us, and we just need some time...."

"For what?"

Bucky stares into Steve, wishing he could just spill it all, instead he took a step back and walked to the door.

"For everything."

Steve opens his mouth to say something but Bucky is long gone in the distance he can hear a door close. Bucky won't come out of his room till tomorrow.


	2. Fern

2 Jan. Fern

Winifred watch through the kitchen window as the two boys came running around the house to the back door.

"Ma!" Her son yelled out with a wide tooth grin and carrying something in his hands. It looks like...leaves?

"James, careful before you fall." She admonishes as the two boys came into the kitchen. Rebecca was sitting in the corner playing with a doll, discarded next to her, as her attention is on her brother and his friend, waddling over to them.

"Sorry Ma, but Steve and I found this on our way home, it's a plant, and the pot broke so we left it." Winifred took the plant from her son's hands as he holds it for her.

By now little Rebecca is also curious and is standing next to Steve and her brother staring at the plant.

"It's a strange bush huh Ma? Steve and I think it will look good out under the kitchen window, some green to see."

“Where did you find it?”

“Out back where that diner was, it’s closed now, it was laying in the alley.”

"I wanna see Buceee!" Rebecca whines as she pulls on her brother's trousers. Bucky stands to the side so she can see better. Her small hands grabbing for the leaves.

"It's so bushy." She says trying to pluck the leaves but both Steve and Bucky grabs her hands away.

"Gentle Becca, it's fragile." Steve chides softly.

Winifred smiles at the kids.

"Thank you James, Steve, I'm sure it will look lovely, and it's called a fern, they are quite interesting plants."

"Huh...it's pretty." James shrugs.

"It's so green." Becca states.

"It's a vascular plant according to this one book I read." Steve replies causing both Barnes siblings to stare at him.

"A what?"

“Vascular plant.” Steve answers and Bucky pulls a face.

“What does that mean?”

Steve shrugs.

“Haven’t read that far.”

“Why not?” Bucky asks and Steve glares at him.

Winifred smiles.

“It’s okay Steve, I will put this in a pot so long, you kids go and wash your hands, and then we can have supper."

"Okay. Come Steve, I'm starving."

"Race you Buck." Steve dares.

"No running boys..."

"Ya Ma!" Bucky yells back as he and Steve runs to the bathroom.


	3. Gaelic

  1. Gaelic



The apartment is basic, a few stories upstairs but it's fine, he isn't bothered by the climb, nor the drop. The windows covered with whatever he could find. There is no curtains against the kitchen windows, only the ones over the mattress and sleeping bag, the light is bright and eyes are plenty, so it needs to be covered. 

The bedside lamp is on, he has to reach up to switch it on and off from the mattress. 

Taking another chocolate chip cookie he bit it in half and a hint of a smile appears as the crumbs falls down on the notebook. He loves cookies. A pen is in his right hand, the words in flowy lines on the paper. 

The words echoing in a women's voice in his head. 

"Beidh grá agam duit i gcónaí" 

He frowns as the voice of a little boy asks back. 

"What does it mean?" 

He doesn't recognize the voice, he knows he should, it will come to him. More and more things come to him, especially when he sleeps. Not yet, he has to write down the words and the voice, the images he gets when he hears her. 

"It means: “I will always love you."

A lump forms in his throat. The words blur as the water gathers in his eyes. 

He writes down on the page, two letters. 

MA

His mom. 

He remembers now, it was something her mom used to tell her every day. It's the Irish Gaelic. They haven't spoken it in years, trying to make a living in New York, but it's the one thing she never forgot. One thing she tells him, every night. 

He slams the book close and pushes the cookies to the side and puts the light out, crawling under the sleeping bag. 

"I did bad things Ma, you wouldn't love me, if you see me now."

The apartment is dark, he closes his eyes. 

The voice comes back. 

_ "Listen my boy, are you listening?"  _

"Yes Ma."

_ "No matter what, I promise you, I will always love you. Always." _

"I love you too Ma."

"My beautiful boy, get some rest."

He opens his eyes and switches the lamp back on. He opens the notebook and grabs the pen. 

He writes down. 

"I love you too Ma." 

More tears slid down his cheeks and he turns a page before writing in big capital letters all over the page. 

"My name is Bucky, and my Ma loves me. Always."

He sleeps without a nightmare.


	4. Cargo

4\. Jan. Cargo 

Bucky took the package from the old lady straight to his apartment. He helped her to move some furniture into her new apartment and she gave him some food and clothes to say thank you. It was more than what he expected, she was struggling. They all were in that neighbourhood, and money was tight. 

Once home he took the food and put it in his fridge, it was a home baked bread, a small tub of butter and six eggs. It is much appreciated. The other package was clothes, a few T-shirts, two boxer shorts a pair of flannel trousers to sleep in. A home knitted jersey and a pair of still new, but old style jeans. 

He mostly wore his old cargo pants as he didn't had much when he left America. For decades he only had his Soldier’s uniform. The black cargo pants and leather outfits were meant to be functional and practical, not comfortable. 

Bucky's fingers softly caress the clothes, the flannel is so soft, he can sleep in them, but that would mean that he can't sleep in his cargo. The flannel means comfortable, that he can actually take the chance to relax, instead of being uncomfortable. Being unable to run at the first sign of distress. 

He can actually start to make the empty apartment into some kind of home, instead of a place of refuge. 

His eyes caught something green at the bottom of the pile, he pulls it out, a spatula. A green one. For the eggs. 

Bucky smiles shyly into the empty room. 

Tonight he will eat a warm dinner, and he will sleep warmly. 

Tonight, the apartment will be more than a hideout, it will be his. 

Just his.


	5. I get a good feeling

Jan 5. I get a good feeling 

Bucky is once again sitting on the log next to the lake watching the sunset. 

He is making good progress with his therapy and working through the mental recovery process with the therapists, and even with Shuri. 

Today he even managed to tie the covering over his arm on the first try. 

"It's beautiful isn't it?" Bucky turns to see Shuri standing a few feet away from him, watching the sunset as well. 

"Yes. Do you ever get used to it?" He asks looking back towards the water, listening as she steps closer. 

Unbeknownst to Bucky Shuri watches him closely as she walks closer, and then let out a beaming smile. 

"You didn't move!" She rushes out and Bucky glance back. 

"What?" 

Every time someone walks up to you with your back turned you tense up, but right now you didn't." Shuri explains sitting down on the log next to him. Bucky looks away, a shy smile on his mouth. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to put you in the spotlight."

"You didn't. It's just....I....didn't register you as a threat, I trust you." Bucky explains with soft voice. Shuri reach out her hand and place it on his arm. 

"You have made great progress here, you have come so far. You can be truly proud of yourself."

Bucky looks down and Shuri can see him swallow a lump down. When he looks up at her, his eyes are shiny. 

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. And to answer your question, No, you don't get used to it, every sunset is different, every time."

"It's so beautiful. And relaxing."

"I get a good feeling every time I watch it. It makes you grateful, and also a little expectant, knowing that tomorrow will be a new day. It will have a whole different sunset, and you will want to see that one too."

"And the one after that."

"And the one after that. You must show Steve this, when he visits again."

"Yeah, he will love it too."


	6. Merlot

January. 6. Merlot 

Bucky's eyes snapped open in the dark night, the night sounds offering little comfort. The moon's light was soft, like a distant glow into the hut. 

Bucky's body is frozen, his first reaction to a nightmare. Don't show you're awake, don't move.

It takes a few seconds for him to realize where he is and that he is safe. He can hear Steve's soft snores next to him. He was on his stomach, his right hand hanging off the end. Bucky softly slid out of the bed, smallest movements but most effect. He was out in seconds. No reason he must disrupt Steve's sleep. 

Not bothering with a shirt or blanket he slips out the door and moves to the still warm ashes from the night's fire. Sitting on the log his toes turns grey from the ashes. 

It's been a while since he had a bad nightmare. 

He wasn't sure how long he sat there when a mug appeared in front of him. He looks up to see Steve holding two mugs. 

"I'm sorry if I woke you up."

"You didn't, the bed was cold."

"You don't get cold anymore."

"Exactly, the contrast was more noticeable."

Bucky offers a small smile taking a sip of the tea as Steve sat down. 

"Been a while since you had a nightmare this bad."

"Yeah."

"Anything I can do to help?" 

Bucky looks to Steve.

"You're doing it."

Steve smiles back. 

They sat in the dark, silent but comfortable. 

"Steve...?"

"Yeah?"

"Tell me that story about the wine and Dumdum back in that one camp?" Steve glance at Bucky, seeing the turmoil in his eyes, the tears threatening to fall. He knows Bucky will talk when he is ready, and right now, he needs a good memory, something they both remember, something that they both laughed at for weeks. 

"When he tried to sell the Merlot as a Port?" 

Bucky nods. 

"I miss them." He offers staring where the fire used to be, now only black coals and grey ash. 

"Me too. So…he got a bottle of wine, because you lost a bet and had to pay up. Any wine he said......"


	7. For free

January 7. For free

The table is filled with people, Shuri and T’Challa, Sam, Steve and Bucky were all having dinner together. It was a quiet night in Wakanda. 

Shuri was trying to entertain them with the latest meme's and 'what if' questions, it's an improvement, last night was 'would you push the button...'

"So... what if you're stuck on an island, do you want unlimited Wi-Fi, or unlimited battery life?" Shuri asks refilling her glass. 

"WiFi..." they all answered at the same time. 

"Why?" 

"If the battery is dead, it won't help to have WIFI..." T'Challa answers. Sam nods. 

"Yeah, and when you charge your phone, you can do other things."

"But the real question is, where is the electricity coming from to charge your phone, I mean, is it just a phone....or...is it also lights.." Steve answers already thinking tactical. 

"Or a microwave...or hot water....". Bucky asks agreeing with Steve. 

"You can't think like that." Shuri interrupted causing everyone to speak simultaneously with protest. 

“But it is only logical…” Steve starts

“That isn’t the question Steve…” Shuri replies.

“I know, but I am just saying…”

She stares them all down, her hands folded. Bucky, the smart one, was the first to shut his mouth. Steve, the one who clearly has all the stupid, was protesting till the bitter end. 

Bucky shakes his head. 

"Steve, here is some advice, for free..."

"Buck, if there is electricity for Wi-Fi and a phone, there has to be electricity for everything else."

"That may be...but here is the advice, don't hand Shuri more of your leg, she already has your foot in your mouth...."

"Amen." Sam ads. Steve turns to Shuri who was smiling smugly, her arms folded. 

"Oh... Uhm...." He looks to Bucky. 

"Help?" 

"Nope...." Bucky smiles back, continuing to eat.

Steve tries to give her his most innocent smile, she just furrowed her brows further causing Bucky and Sam to snicker. T’Challa is trying his best to look impassive. 

"So Princess….next question?"


	8. Sanctions

January 8. Sanctions 

The car ride was quiet, each with their own thoughts. Steve was driving, his focus on the road and traffic. Bucky aren’t’ under the illusion that Steve isn’t acutely aware of the people in this car, and the situation they are in. 

Bucky pretends not to notice, keeping his face blank and his thoughts to himself. 

Sam, or Falcon as he remebered, all those years ago, back in Washington was on his phone. He is scrolling through what looked like a social media site, and would occasionally shake his head. He is also in charge of the radio, as the two 'old men', didn't know about the latest music. 

Bucky would love to set the record straight. Two years on the run, with only his fractured mind and several notebooks, allowed him time to break the voices in his head with music. He is actually quite fond of Linkin Park, but doesn't really like the song "American idiot' by Green Day but the rest of the songs are good. 

"You okay there Buck?"

Bucky looks up into the rear-view mirror, Steve is looking concerned and worried. 

"I'm fine."

"We will stop in the next hour, to fill up on gas and maybe get more food, any ideas where the best place is?" 

Bucky shrugs. 

"Any filling station is good in these parts." 

Steve nods and looks back to the road, Bucky knows he wants to say more, do more, anything to find out how much of the old Bucky is still there. 

Bucky isn't in the mood for conversations, he isn't in the mood for whatever he should be in. He lost his notebooks, he lost his apartment, thanks to him, Steve pretty much lost everything too, so did Sam. 

Sighing he leans forward, resting his right hand on Steve's seat. He can feel the tension drain out of Steve's shoulders. 

He offers a smile. 

"But, about ten miles straight, there's this little shop on the right, next to the gas station, it has amazing pastries. They have this caramel cream things. I promise you, much better than that caramel things the Howlies organized for your birthday, sanctions were a bitch back then...unlike now…"

His eyes kept looking into the mirror, catching Steve’s, who filled with emotions, his bottom lip trembling. 

Bucky squeeze the seat, making sure Steve will be able to feel it, it may not be his shoulder. It's all he can offer at the moment and from Steve's expression, it is more than enough.


	9. Eleven

  1. Eleven 



Bucky opens the casual wrapped package with vigour and hardly contained excitement. 

"Jeez, Steve how many times did you wrapped it?"

"A couple times Buck. Had to make sure it won't crinkle up..." Steve answers with a shy look that turns to nervousness as Bucky finally got all the paper off and was staring at the picture. 

"I know it's not much, but you said you like my drawings...I wanted to but you something but..."Steve trails off, watching as Bucky picks up the sketch and turns it around. He stuck the picture on some cardboard to make it more solid, he is still learning how to draw, and although their faces were a bit too big for the rest of the bodies, it was something at least. 

"Woah...when did you made it?" Bucky asks his eyes wide and big with wonder. 

"A few days ago, when I was off sick in bed for two days."

"Aah Steve, it's amazing."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I love it. Thank you."

"Happy birthday Bucky."

"Thanks Steve. Hey, did you sign it?" 

"Why?" 

"So, when we're like way old in our thirties like our Ma's and your world famous I want to be able to say I knew ya. Show them this, a masterpiece at the age of eleven. Worth hundreds I tell ya."

"If I make it till then, might be gone by twenty... Fifteen even...."

Suddenly Steve was held between two fistfuls of Bucky's fists against his shirt, the bigger boy towering over him, blue Indigo eyes blazing into his. 

"Now you listen to me, you will make to twenty and thirty and if you're careful and stay out of fights even a hundred, you hear me?"

"I hear you Buck."

Bucky let go and pick up his drawing, smiling widely. 

"Good, Ma made cake, that would sure jazz you up for a while. Come on, we will give your Ma a piece too."

"Thanks Buck."


	10. Driver

10 Driver

Dum-Dum, watch as Bucky maneuvered the tank over the terrain his hands gripping tight, his knuckles white.

“You okay there Sarge?” Bucky glance around towards Dumdum, giving him a sharp nod.

“That’s good, cause you know…. if you need to talk….” Dum-Dum tries, smiling hoping to sound comforting. Bucky turns around fully.

“I’m okay, thank you, or will be…. I just….” Bucky took a deep breath. “…need some…time….some….time yeah….”

Bucky turns back to the controls, his jaw tight.

“You know Sarge, it’s okay to be not okay, you know…it’s a bloody miracle we got rescued…we all went through some tough crap…you more than the rest of us.”

“Doesn’t’ make me special. It just makes me a survivor.” Bucky grunts back. Dumdum sighs and sits back.

“I’m here for you Kid.”

Bucky looks down and to his left, to Dum-Dum.

“I know. Thanks.”

Sometime later there was a knock on the top before it opens up and Steve came crawling in with his big shoulders.

He was smiling as he looked at Bucky and Dum-Dum.

“Hey.”

“Captain.”

“Captain.” They both greeted causing the smile to fell a bit, a frown appearing on Steve’s face.

“We’re going to set camp up for the night across that hill over that side, you guys okay with that?"

Both nodded, but Dum-dum is the only one smiling. 

Dum-dum watch the two men for a while, both looking as if they are walking on a tight rope, something simmering underneath the surface. He cleared his throat. 

"Well, if it's okay with you two, I'm going to try and catch a few winks." Without waiting for permission, he sat back as far as he could leaning forward with his chin, his eyes closed. 

Steve waited five minutes before he reaches out touch Bucky's hand still tight on the control. 

"Buck, how can I help?" 

Bucky slowly let go of the control, his hand trembling slightly. 

"Steve.....just....I need.....what you did..... Rescuing us.... but I....that table......just.... Please..." Bucky didn't go on. He couldn't. 

"I don't know what they did, but I do know, that you know I am here for you, we all are."

"I know...I know I should, you know, get it out, talk... I just... Not right.... Okay..."

"Okay."

Bucky tries to give a tight smile but failed. Steve looks around in the small space before looking to the road. 

"If you're tired, or need a moment, you can join Dumdum, and I will drive a bit."

"Nah, I'm good, besides you’re a terrible driver."

"How do you know?" 

"I just know. You're a punk, you're going to be a punk driver too." The joke was a small gesture, but it was enough to break the tension in the space. Steve chuckled leaning into Bucky's space as always, and Bucky throws his arm around Steve's shoulders. 

"You don't fit anymore."

"Bull, I will always fit under your arms, you're just not reaching enough." In response Steve just lowered his shoulders a bit more resting his head close to Bucky's lap. 

"Stevie..."

"See....you drive, and I will be here for you."

Dumdum sneak a peek under his hat and saw Bucky's hand on Steve's shoulder squeezing slightly. 

"Thanks Steve."


	11. LAX

January 11 LAX

Bucky puts his empty cup down on the small table, before he looks at his phone.

4 am, still too early.

Sighing deeply, he looks around, old habits die hard as they say. Some tourists were sitting in one corner, looking at the holiday photos. Two businesses men were sitting at the tech hub, on laptops, typing away.

The screens were all on news stations, now that half the population is back, there's is an endless supply of news and stories, some positive, mostly negative, families that is broken, food shortages, droughts....

Still, life goes on. People adapt, move on and finds a way.

Bucky being one of them.

After the stunt Steve pulled Bucky is facing some hard facts, one being that he is, down to the point, a man out of time and needs to find his own way.

Alone.

So, he decided one morning to get up, and go on a road trip, a backpacking tour through wherever he wants to. His arm is in a case on his back, that won't be pick up at the metal detectors which allows him the freedom to fly.

Steve is visiting his children, now that he is back, and Fury needs his help, or whatever, Bucky didn't care. Sam was with his family, getting acquainted after his 5-year disappearance so that left him alone in a three-bedroom flat.

His flight leaves in 30 minutes so he got up, threw his empty cup away in the bin before putting his backpack over his shoulder and making way to the departure lounge. His baggage already with the other passengers.

As he walks his eyes kept looking around, noticing all the cameras and guards so occupied that he nearly jumped out of his skin when his phone rang.

Sam.

"Hey Wilson, why aren't you sleeping?"

"Woke up to go to bathroom, now I can't sleep, saw you were online, why are you up so early?"

"I'm....well..."

"Nightmare?"

"No, actually, I'm at the airport."

"Airport?"

"Yeah, my flight leaves in 30 minutes."

"Where to? Are you okay?"

"It's...uhm...well a long story but the short version, I'm going to take a trip, get some distance. I'll keep you posted and updated, I want to think a bit...get some perspective."

The line is silent. Sam knows Bucky's being having a hard time.

"Does he know?"

"No."

"Barnes..."

"It was a spontaneous decision, was going to let you both know when I landed, and it was a more reasonable hour."

"Where's the flight to?"

"Right now, LAX, get some sun, a beach.... Disney world...I don't know, I'll see when I get there. Might go somewhere else or take the long road back home."

"Be careful okay."

"Just that?"

"For now. I know you need time, what happened.... what he did...."

"Sam.."

"You're right, we can talk at a reasonable hour, call me when you land, okay, I might have a better idea of what I want to say to you."

"Will do.... Sam....thank you."

"You're welcome."

Putting his phone back in his pocket he looks towards his boarding gate before walking.


	12. Blanch

  1. Blanch 



“BUUUUCCCKKKYYYY”

Bucky tried to hide deeper under his blanket but knew it would only motivate Steve more to come up. The little shit doesn’t understand the word, “sick” and ‘not going to school’.

Bucky, stubborn as he is, kept quiet and listened as Steve starts to climb the stairs. 

The sounds of Steve climbing stopped, and a soft dud can be heard. 

Bucky’s eyes widen in fear, if Steve fell…or has an asthma attack…

Without wasting another second, he jumps out of bed and nearly pull his door out as he rushed to the stairs.

“Steve!” He stops at the top of the stairs, shaking slightly. Steve stood up from where he was picking up two books that fell on the stairs. He lifts his eyes to Steve, the brows furrowed, the frown deep. 

“You don’t look sick...”

“Are you okay? Did you get hurt?” 

Steve tilts his face.

“I didn’t fall…so miraculous healing or did you lie?” Steve asks as he starts to climb the stairs Bucky held out his hands and Steve half push, half let the books fall in his hands.

“It’s nothing…”

“You missed school, Marjorie kept asking where you were. Strange she suddenly discovered I exist…Mrs. Watson says she expects you tomorrow, you missed your chance to read loud in the class.” 

“Oh joy…my one mission in life.” 

Steve gave him a slight shove and made his way to Bucky’s room, setting his bag down close to the small table before sitting down on Bucky’s bed.

“So…. what’s wrong?”

Bucky slumps down on the bed. 

“It’s nothing Steve, I woke up with a tummy ache, threw up and Ma asks me if I’m sick, and I wasn’t in the mood for school, so I played it up a bit.” Bucky tried but kept his eyes down. If he looks up, Steve will see he is lying. Halfway at least. He did wake up, he did throw up though, but not from a tummy ache…

No..

His ache was bit…. lower. 

He had a dream, well, he did….and that is the problem. 

He is not supposed to get a reaction, like that, if you dream about a boy, a girl yes. A girl. Yes. Preferably. Jimmy down on the other block says it happens to him when he thinks about girls. 

Boys?

“Buck….” Oh no, he is using that tone of voice. 

“Look at me, please.” Bucky can’t refuse that, so he looks up.

“Why are you lying to me? You were sick, but you have the strongest tummy I know.”

Bucky snorts at that.

“Stevie…”

“I won’t get mad. Promise.” 

“I know, I had, a nightmare, and got scared.”

“Scared enough to puke? To blanch whiter than your sheet, just by talking about it?” 

“To what?”

“Blanch, it means to whiten, to pale.”

“When did you learn that?”

“Today, Mrs. Watson says it will be in a test next Monday.” 

“Then I guess you should show me what else she did today.” Bucky offers with a smile, reaching for his school bag, but Steve leans over and grabs Bucky’s arm.

“You know I won’t think you’re weak, you will always be my best friend.”

“I know, you’re my best friend too Steve, I trust you.”


	13. 10111

13 Jan 10111

The huffs of breath came in short gasps as the man stumbles into the warehouse. It was dark but streaks of sunlight would stream in from the top windows, casting streaks of light. It illuminated certain places, breaking the dark shadows. 

It was enough for him to find his way to the back where the bathroom was. 

He shuffles to the sink, his body is hurting, aches and bruises all over. His right arm is excruciating painful, the shoulder is back in its socket, but it will take a while for the pain to lessen. His left arm is much better, the plates holding up right. 

He looks in the mirror and flinch. 

_ "Your name is James Buchanan Barnes"  _

He flinches again, the eyes confused and scared. 

_"Asset, report_."

That's what he is called. 

10111, 10101, 10101, 1, 111

A.S.S.E.T

That's his name, in Morse code, well, if you change it to numbers or into the ‘1’ and ‘0’’s 

Not...Ja..J...

" _Buckyyyyy_!" 

A scream... Cold... Wind... A hand... He couldn't reach it.... 

He slumps down against the wall, sitting down, he should check his injuries, but he will be fine, physically that is. 

Emotionally, long term....is a whole different story. He looks at his hands, dirty, bloody but still his. One metal, one flesh. 

He is without a home, a handler without anything. He has nowhere to go, and on one waiting for him. No cares what happens to him, they are all dead. 

Except....

Except the man who said his name, his nickname, said he was more than just an asset, he said he was a man, with a past. 

That man obviously cares whether he lives or dies, but that man is in the hospital, badly injured. He almost died. But he, whoever he is, saved him. 

It wasn't the asset, so it must have been. 

"Bu-cky." He groans softly into the air. It felt weird to say it out loud, but at the same time, right. 

He needs to clean up, he needs to get clothes, he needs...he needs to find out who he is. Really.


	14. Essential

  1. January essential 



Bucky's eyes stare out across the waters, the waves breaking against the ship. He can hear the distant sounds of soldiers, a few playing with a ball, others playing poker. Nearly all with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths. 

Bucky looks down at his hands, they were shaking, slightly, but still enough to be notice if you look closely at it. 

He clenches it in a fist and slowly let them relax again before he looks up again.

He held out his hand, Lady Liberty is smaller than his hand, he holds up one finger, his pinkie, she is smaller than his pinkie. 

New York is smaller than his palm. 

Steve is back there, in that small big city that fits in his palm. 

He never wanted to leave his city, his home, his family, his heart....but the world had other plans. It plucked him out of the streets and dropped him on this boat heading for a strange country, with strange people. And he is expected to kill someone. 

_ 'It is essential that we win this war.' _

That is what they told him, them, at training and in the media. 

Hitler needs to be stopped. 

How? 

At what price? 

Is he willing to pay it? 

Will he ever come back home?

His hand wraps around his dog tags on its own accord. All his necessary information is on this small piece of metal. 

R Barnes....The person they will contact if something happens to him. 

It should be Steve, he wanted it to be Steve, but he can't do that to him. 

He can't allow some letter going to their, now Steve's, home, telling him that Sergeant Barnes of the 107th is no more. Dead or missing. Never coming back. 

He can't hurt Steve like that. 

Who knows, maybe he will make it back? 

Bucky tries to smile but it fails to form around his lips. He looks back up, New York is no more on the horizon, Lady Liberty is a small speck, she will be gone soon. No. He will be gone soon. She will always be there, that's why she's sending him, and the others. So she can stay.


	15. Brands

15 Jan. Brands 

The loud beep break Bucky out of his thoughts. He has been staring at the shelves for nearly ten minutes. As he takes out his phone from his pocket, he looks down to it. 

It was a message from Shuri. 

"Are you finish yet?" 

He quickly types back. 

"No, just getting started. Why are there 17 different types of bread and so many brands?" 

"Oh, so many reasons, need help?" 

"Nah, I can manage, one the steps of recovery right, able to buy groceries."

"That's true, but it doesn't mean you have to suffer."

"I know, I just...I... don’t know what brands and variety Steve likes anymore...he is coming to visit and I would like to be a good host...but..."

"Bucky, everything and anything you are going to put in front of Steve will be like.... manna from the heavens. It won't matter."

"You think?" 

"I know. Besides have fun. Talk to you later."

Bucky pockets his phone, a slight frown on his face, something...feels.....off...

"Hey Buck." Bucky spun around to see Steve standing there, a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. 

"What....You're.... weren’t you supposed to land this afternoon?" 

Steve blushes lightly. 

"Yeah. I couldn't wait...so I caught the early flight."

Bucky starts to smile. 

"I missed you too."

The blush got deeper so Steve cleared his throat and look around the aisles. 

"So....what were you planning to make?" 

"Stew with bread pudding...can't decide on which bread, what would you like?" 

Steve looks around the shelves. 

"I don't know about you, but there are too many choices. I usually go to the bakery side and ask for fresh dough, then I bake it at home, much easier and feels a bit more homemade."

"Okay, sounds like a plan, here you can push the trolley."


	16. Got it unlocked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is post Endgame, and the new Avengers are a team.

16 Got it unlocked 

It was only after Bucky stood in the black hallway that he realized he may have gone a bit forward in entering the base. Sam and the others were still clearing the sides and he was supposed to be waiting for the team. 

Because that's what he is part of now, a team. No longer the Winter Soldier just doing his thing on his own, he has a team. 

He stands still, his hand on his gun, ready to fight, shoot, kill whatever comes first. 

His other hand touches his ear. 

"Falcon?" 

"Barnes. You in, aren't you?" 

"Yes. But I'm not going in without you, I just opened the door."

"You got it unlocked? We didn't hear an explosion."

"Or the sound of metal crushing under your hand." Wanda's voice added. The others 'hmmm' in the background. Bucky rolled his eyes. 

They had a point though. On missions like this he may get a bit destructive when it comes to old Hydra bases. 

He also knows he needs to be honest. 

"I still remember the code. The mission called for subtle and invisibility, so..."

"It's fine, I'm sure we can find something inside for you to crush." Sharon adds, the smile evident. 

"Yeah yeah... You're all clear?" Bucky responds and feels Sam landing behind him, Wanda following next with the others. 

"Clear all around..."

Bucky looks at Sam as he looks around. 

"Okay, let's go, in and out, then back home where the crisp cold beers are waiting."

Bucky smiles and makes sure he is next to Sam as they enter the warehouse.


	17. Funny spelling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place when Bucky is in Wakanda

17 Funny spelling

The beer has gone warm, but Bucky didn’t mind. He doesn’t really care either way, warm or hot, it is something he can do on his own, his choice. He prefers it cold, but he won’t throw the last few sips down the drain. 

His fingers sweeps up and down across the screen. Shuri gave him a tablet for his “birthday”, she missed quite a few, but then again, so did he. 

His nights is being spent catching up on the world, the good parts, and the parts he didn’t had a hand in. 

Something catches his eye and he snorts with laughter, it took him a while to figure it all out. To differentiate between the funny spelling and bad grammar, memes and puns and everything in between. The slang was something that changes a lot, so he had to stay focused. He has a soft spot for puns. 

Memes are great, and it is a great way to get a feeling, or a mood across, one picture and the whole world understands, many feels the same. 

Puns, on the other hand, that is a subtle way of making a joke, of doing something hilarious. Being able to say something, in a way, that won’t make you seem like a desperate man trying to fit in. It makes you actually look smart, clever, a man who seeks fun and joy in the little things. Which is great for him, he is still trying to find the remnants of his life, traits of his personality he thought he lost. Steve tells him he used to walk around with a small swagger and a smile on face, he could walk into a room and everyone would be at ease. The Soldier walks in and everyone runs away in fear. He is somewhere halfway. Puns allows him to test the waters so to speak. The walk into the water with small splashes building up to bigger ones. 

He scrolls down and starts to laugh loudly. 

Maybe he should try to make bigger splashes.


	18. White noise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place post Civil War

  1. White noise 



Bucky was sitting in the chair, his legs still and quiet, his whole body rigid. He wants to tap his foot, any one. He wants to twiddle his thumbs, but doesn’t. He wants to do a lot of things, but isn’t. 

Fury, or Director Fury is sitting in front of him, well, not in physical shape but close enough. The screen is big…like big…over thirty inches….it doesn’t sound big, but when the whole screen is filled with the face of a man who he failed to kill. He did an impressive job on the man, make no mistakes, he blew up his car, he shot him through a wall….

Now that man wants to help him. Help him to get his life back, to be able to walk around without a wanted sign over his head. To be able to get pieces back.

This was the first step, he volunteered. To give up all the information he knew about Hydra and anyone that might be part of the old Shield. Even though Fury isn’t the director and Shield is disbanded, he still feels that if Fury knows, he can do something about it, because he will. He may not be on the front line, but he is still calling the shots, working the treads underneath the table. 

“So you know everything all these years, and give me names, from the past fifty years?”

“Yes…..Sir…” He added as an afterthought. 

“You know you don’t have to call me ‘sir’.”

“I know.” 

“If I call you Barnes, will you call me Fury?” 

Bucky looks up to the screen the two men’s eyes locked on each other. Bucky sees something that he accepts, that he can work with. 

A hint of a smile starts in the corner of his mouth and some tension drains out of his shoulders.

“Fury…”

“Okay, shall we get started….before we do start….how come they didn’t mind their secrets when you are around?”

“I was….white….noise….I was there….but I wasn’t…they weren’t concerned…the wipes…the controlling….they didn’t had to be concerned…”

“Okay…Thank you for that. So…we got some water…we can stop anytime….we do this…your way…your time….”

“Thank you. So….in 45….”


	19. Validation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place in the Howling area

19.Jan validation 

The scope seeks out every man that isn't on the team of the good guys. It is looking for blood of Hydra and Nazi and everyone in between. At least the man using the gun is. His finger on the trigger, ready to shoot and protect his team. 

Bucky watch as Steve walks in front, the rest behind him, ready to jump into action, to execute their Captain's order. They are the best at what they do. 

The little book with his calculations is next to his hand, the soft yellow pages open to the blue sky, the black ink a contrast. He hasn't been making sums and calculations for a while now. Ever since he and the others were rescued by Steve in that factory. 

Bucky hasn't told anyone yet, it is something he doesn't understand himself. Since the experiments he is stronger, his mind quicker and that's just the start. 

When he is this far away and he needs to cover his team, his mind makes the calculations and sums before he even finish the set up. He makes the calculations when he is done, in case someone sees his book. They are all over each other's space and he isn't taking any risks. 

Bucky clench down on his teeth. 

It was moments like this when he was reminded of the conversation the whole team had with Colonel Phillips and Agent Carter. 

He remembers it all in detail. The one part is seared in his brain though, his validation to the team and war basically comes down to the fact how many he can kill, and how fast he can do it. 

That was a bit of a shock, he could see Steve's concern, the way it was phrased, and how Bucky clear it up. 

Steve reached for his hand, but Agent Carter stepped between the two. Placating them with words, figures, facts and everything that interest Steve to win the war. That's the whole reason he came to front lines. The reason he did the experiment. For war. To fight. To kill. To take down bullies. 

And Bucky....

He was just another trigger to make that happen. 

It wasn't fair. To be thinking like that. But after the things Bucky has seen, and the things he did, and was part of, he really is over the whole sugar-coating of this particularly bad cake. 

So, he will do what he is ordered to do. Take up position, aim for the enemy, and shoot to kill. 

A good little toy soldier.


	20. Parking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place post endgame

20.jan. Parking 

Sam follow the slow breaths and the small orange glow of the cigarette, the small twirls of smoke rising. There is a chill in the air, but not enough to make you cold, unless you're out for a while. Twenty minutes and you will need a jumper or jacket. 

He finds the man he followed up sitting on the edge of the roof, his feet dangling off, but he wasn't bothered with any of it. His hands were on his thighs, lifting the right one occasionally to his mouth to take a drag of the cigarette. 

"I'm not going to jump if that's what you worried about."

Sam looks down and shakes his head softly. 

"I wasn't worried." Sam answers and steps closer. Sam can see Bucky's face as his smiles broadly. 

"Is that why you're lurking there in the back?" 

"I wasn't lurking, I just wasn't sure if you wanted me to come over."

"I don't mind your company Sam." The reply was soft and wary, tired and Sam could relate. It was one hell of a day. The need for bickering was gone, both men understood the need for companionship and some reflection right now. 

Sam leans his arms over the edge, looking below the building, the streets are quiet, the lights trailing far into the distant next to the road. The parking lot is empty, only a few cars. The hotel will pick up business soon, now that the snap has been reversed and everyone is back unharmed and unscathed, we'll.... some at least. Sam glance at Bucky, he was still staring out the sky, his metal arm steady, but his right arm slightly shaking. 

"I didn't know you smoked."

"I don't, haven't in decades, did in the war though, I found this pack in the kitchen cupboard, they're mental flavoured. Not bad."

Sam nods and sighs. He could hear a car revving in the distance. The atmosphere between them is comfortable so he takes a breath. 

"I heard you were scared of heights?"

"I am... I was...still not a fan of it though."

"Then why here?" And why sitting with your legs hanging off. He wants to add but didn't. Bucky looks down and takes the last drag from the cigarette before stomping the low out and flicking it into the air. 

"Just because I fear something, doesn't acquit me from its presence or prevent it from happening." 

One sentence and so many meanings. That's Bucky's life basically, so far in a nutshell. All his fears came true. All of it happened in some form or another. 

"You knew didn't you?"

Bucky looks down, his fingers curling together the knuckles white. The plates softly moving together. 

"I suspected, I saw it in his eyes, he didn't blatantly tell me, but he knew I knew. I may have been hoping though, but my hopes never last anyway."

"I'm sorry, I know it doesn't seem like much, but..."

"It's more than you think."

They glance briefly at each other before looking away to the sky again. What else is left to say? Both have their own thoughts and opinions, both know Bucky came up to the roof to hide. He can’t face what’s inside, the man, that man…the one who changed everything.


	21. Red tent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovering in Wakanda

21.jan.Red tent

Bucky makes himself more comfortable around the heap of blankets and pillows and cushions. He doesn't understand the whole idea of throw pillows and cushions and all of that, but he is glad he has so many tonight. 

On his right side is a stack of snacks. 

Bucky smiles widely and leans back against the couch stretching out his legs. The silver plate is still on his shoulder, the stump covered. Shuri offered him a new arm, but he doesn’t want it. He may never want another one. One arm is fine. He will learn, he will cope, he will be him.

Looking up he smiles at the roof, it was red. A memory came back, one he never thought he would. It was him and his little sisters, they feared the rain, so Bucky build them a blanket fort. Then they pretended to be on some wild safari adventure and the fort was their tent, hiding away, with the wild animals outside. The small lamp outside was their ‘fire’ and they pretended to watch the flames, making shadows against the wall. Becca would try to make a rabbit but failed, her fingers still unsure of the movements. The other two would wave at the birds and make patterns. Bucky, he would pretend to be in one of his books he loves to read. Taking care of his family while he roasts their dinner. 

Bucky closes his eyes as the memory replays in his head, a few lone tears streaking down his face. It’s been so long. He forgot them, made to forget them for so many years. Now, he can finally savour the memory in peace, with all the emotions, pride, longing, regret, pain, sorrow but gratitude. So many to name. 

He opens his eyes. Outside is the African plains, he has a lamp on, but it is because it is in the hut. His own hut given by Shuri and her family. A home. His home.

This is his first night and he felt like spending it his way. So he built his own tent, with the red blankets, a bright red tent, in a beautiful hut in the wonderful Wakanda. 

This is his step to become Bucky again, one with a long line of trauma and history, but one that allows him to be free. And this…is a bigger step to recovery than any other thing he has done so far.


	22. Abbreviation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the snap

  1. Jan. Abbreviation



Bucky walked to the lab, Shuri asked to see him again to check in on his arm. It’s been a few weeks since they all came back from the ‘blip’ as the newspapers are calling it. Bucky has been travelling most of the few weeks to catch up now that he is free. Everyone knows it is an excuse. Bucky is running away, from himself, from Steve and from what happened back at that platform. Sam has been trying to get him to come back, to talk he says. Bucky just replied that technology is amazing, they can talk over the phone or Skype, the bottom line is, he will go back when he is ready, when he wants to. No one else.

His phone pings with a text and he sighs, if it is Sam, again…

Shuri.

“ _Hi, IIRC our appointment was at 2, but I need 2go 2a meeting, BRB, wait 4me.”_

Bucky rolls his eyes; this whole abbreviation of words is really getting on his nerves. But he also knows where it stems from and have spent quite some time to learn it all. 

He types back.

“ **OMW. NP. Will wait, will get snacks 1st.”**

“ _AD. They baked doughnuts today, custard filled._ ” 

“ **Yum, will get 2**.” 

_“I’m okay, you can get me an energy drink._ ”

“ **2 4 me, sure though, although I’m pretty sure, ur jumped up high as it is already.”**

“ _Still a few steps 2 climb_ _ 😊 ”  _

Bucky burst out laughing and shakes his head as he turns to the café to get his food and drink for her. He knows she will ask about things back home, and maybe a talk with her and T’Challa would shed some light. He will need to face things eventually. But not today.


	23. tabernacle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a sad one, I have tried something new, a different approach so to speak. Hope it works

  1. Jan Tabernacle



While with Hydra

(trying something else…may be a bit dark)

_Its_ eyes are seeing, taking it all in, but not participating. Weapons aren’t allowed. _It_ listens, _it_ executes the order, _it_ goes for repairs if needed, then _it_ goes into storage.

_It’s raining outside, he will need an extra blanket._

Who?

_It_ doesn’t know.

The men are sitting all around the table playing cards, the tv is on in the background, a news station. The man with his brown suit and yellow tie looks uncomfortable. But _it_ doesn’t know how it knows, _he – it_ – just knows.

“He stands like that the whole time, not making a sound or movements?” The small bald man asks. _It_ frowns.

Who is standing the whole time? It is just _it_ in the room, everyone is sitting down.

“Yes. A good little soldier.”

_“You’re a good soldier Buck”_

Who’s Buck?

“Incredible, how long do we have to stay here in this dump?”

“Hey, the houses in this area is much better than the crap back home.”

“True. So, you told them to meet as at the pub?”

“Windmill on tabernacle street. 8 sharp.”

“Good. So doesn’t he you know…need to use the bathroom or something…..”

“No. He is here to do a job, pissing isn’t one of them.”

“Talk about, it’s pissing outside, this weather calls for a good warm meal.”

_He will need a blanket, I may have to work doubles….the meds are up…._

What meds? What is the voice in this machine?

One man stands up, walks to the hallway, he pulls a face. The other man, the owner of the house is locked in the bathroom, _it_ will kill him before it leaves for the cold storage. He is coughing. The handler is angry.

“Stop coughing or I’ll kill you sooner!”

_Just breathe Stevie, just breath through the coughs_

Who’s Stevie?

“You will kill him?

The bald man asks its handler, he smiles and look at it.

“Well, I will tell _it_ do it.”


	24. Melee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kid Bucky

24.Jan.melee

When Sarah entered the nurse's room at the school, she feared the worst. Steve was in a fight, again, and he got beaten up, again. She would never understand it, why a small boy like Steve wants to help everyone else.

Maybe she can, but it doesn't make the worry less. That boy, her heart swell with love and pride every time she thinks of her son. Standing in front of the door, she took a deep breath and opens it, and to her surprise she could hear laughter.

One belongs to her son, the other, she didn't know. She tries to walk as silently as possible and glance around the corner.

There her boy was sitting, his shirt had a small tear on the side, it was dirty, but she has had worse when it comes to his clothes. Next to Steve was a boy, small, but bigger than Steve, he was lean with a mop of brown hair, bright eyes and a kind and warm smile. He was staring at Steve, his one eye swollen and already turning blue, his shirt also dirty and his one shoe unlaced. What surprised her was the way he was looking at Steve, like a boy who wants to be seen with Steve, who looked at him like an equal, not with sympathy or apathy. He looked at him, like a friend. Whoever this boy is, she already likes him.

She clears her throat.

"Steve?"

Steve didn't hear her, but the boy did, he stood up and came to stand in front of Steve, hiding him from her.

"It was my fault ma'am, he ain't done nathing."

Steve got up and stood next to the boy, his hand on his shoulder.

"It's okay Bucky, it's my Ma." Steve looks at her.

"Hi Ma..."

Bucky, the boy, blushes and shifted so Steve was visible.

"Sorry ma'am."

"It’s quite alright, Bucky right?"

Bucky nods.

"Yeah, James Buchanan Barnes ma'am, but my friends call me Bucky."

Steve's eyes widen at that.

"I'm your friend?" He asks and Sarah could find feel her heart breaking.

Bucky, frowns.

"Yeah, course you are. We spilled blood together, and my Pa says, when two men fight in a war, they created a bond....he was in the army, he knows this stuff, so we have a bond, we are friends."

Sarah’s eyes welled up, the boy is still so young, but already he has the air of a protector, of someone looking out for others. Not to mention a flair for the dramatic, a war, on a school playground, with kids….

"Are you an only child Bucky?"

"No ma'am, I've got three sisters, all younger, I'm a big brother." He answers proudly stating that fact.

Sarah smiles. A caregiver, protector, and she can see he just latch himself onto Steve. She can only pray to God it lasts, that finally He has sent someone to help her look after her boy.

"Well, we should be going, do any of you two want to share about the little melee you were involved in?" Both their faces contorted.

"What melee? We fought some bullies, Ginley was being a right arse, ma'am." Sarah’s one eyebrow raised. Bucky didn't notice, his attention already back on Steve.

"Ma, Ginley was harassing Martha because they were Jewish, and her dad looks funny with his curly hair and kept pushing her." Steve defended with Bucky nodding along.

"Yeah, a complete arse, we weren't going to stand for it." He added.

"Right, well, Bucky, do you want to come with us, do you live nearby?"

"He does Ma!" Steve replies before Bucky could and went on.

"Two blocks down, I said he could go with us, and maybe have lunch with us?"

Bucky steps a bit forward.

"If it's all right with ma'am?"

Sarah smiles warmly.

"Of course. Let's go."

As they walk home, she watches the two and can't help but feel is she's witnessing something that is bigger than what she could ever imagine.


	25. After dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorrry. it is another sad one.  
> Takes place after Endgame

  1. Jan. After dark



Bucky makes his way through all the graves to his destination. It was after dark, the sun long gone, streetlights far and in between, but he didn’t mind. He has never been afraid of the dark, and these days, he isn’t even scared of what lurks in the dark. He is capable, his enhanced hearing is picking the nearest person almost half a block away.

Steve is back at his little brownstone home, filled with photos and memories that he had no part of. He has seen the inside, there is exactly one photo of him and it is from the war, back with the Howlies. Faded in its sepia tones, his face hardly recognizable. That is what he has become. A faded sepia picture, his head the size of his nail on his pinkie finger, amongst the sea of faces.

He hardly stayed an hour, just made sure Steve was safe inside then waited outside while Sam, good old Sam, made sure he was okay. He could see Sam had his own thoughts, his own pain about what happened but is handling a lot better than Bucky. But unlike Bucky, Sam wasn’t left to 70 years of torture and rotting in hell.

Nothing Hydra ever did, will match up. Nothing.

It is always the one’s closest to us. That’s the saying. That’s the facts.

He comes to a stop at the two stones he was looking for.

Winifred Barnes and George Barnes.

Ma and Pa.

Dead for decades.

Bucky looks around before walking closer till he was standing in front of the two tombstones. His left hand carrying the small bouquet of flowers, his right-hand trembling as it touches the cold stone, wiping the dust off.

“Hi Ma, Pa….brought you these…”

He takes the flowers from his left hand with his right, hiding the metal in his jacket.

It was two bright purple Hyacinth and two yellow daffodils.

“The purple means ‘I’m sorry’, and ‘sorrow’ and….and…’please forgive me’. The uh….yellow…daffodils….they….mean the end of winter…or the return of summer….they are also the March birthday flower…fitting…I mean….Ma….I’m so so sorry…” Bucky tries to swallow the lump in his throat but fails. The tears spilling over his eyes and cheeks, the sobs growing more intense with every breath.

His legs bending on its own accord until he is kneeling in front of the stones, the flowers softly falling under his mom’s name. Bucky leans forward until his head rest against the stone.

“I…m so-ry Ma….I w-wa-nted to co-me ho-me…so…much…and…now….Ma….h….he…l…left…me Ma. With them. Years Ma. Decades.”

His two fists clench tightly together the muscles tremoring, the knuckles white, the soft plates whirring under the strain. He cried until his sobs grew quiet and his throat cleared enough to take a deep breath. He opens his eyes.

“Did he tell you? Did he came to see you? Did he say why? Why Ma!? I never woul-d have….he left me. He left me Ma, and I don’t know what to do.”

Bucky shifted so he was sitting against the stone, his back resting against the cold stone. He leans his head on his arms, resting on his knees.

He knows he should leave, but where is he supposed to go?

What is he supposed to do now?

The hotel?

He and Sam hired a room together both trying to come to terms with what happened. Sam wants to go to his family tomorrow, it’s been five years. They would want to see him. Bucky has no one waiting for him. No one who would want to see him.

He will stay here.

With his family, even though they are long dead.


	26. Number of reasons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of civil war

26.jan.number of reasons 

Shuri silently studies the young - old - man as he sits on the bed. His eyes were filled with so much pain and torment it makes her want to cry. 

Her brother called her as he came back, told her he was wrong, he made a mistake, he was used for a statement. That the man that was called the Winter Soldier was innocent. He was used, again, against his will. She didn't understand, but then the things he told her broke her heart. She made a silent vow that she would do everything possible to help this broken man. She researched everything she could find. She downloaded everything single additional file on a James Buchanan Barnes, before Hydra. She felt sympathy for this man, but now, seeing him, it was turned in to empathy. 

This man has been treated so unjustly and so wrongly that she will be the one to break that cycle. She will be a scientist that makes him believe in science again, that will show him, it can be used for good, and not just for evil. 

She was quite shocked that he was so willing to go back under, the moment he heard it was possible. 

Steve, his friend wasn't so happy with the idea but the man was adamant. Few days later and here they were. 

Shuri designed the metal cover for his shoulder, and Shuri still can't get that image out of her head. He gave her one of the softest smiles she has ever seen. His eyes were bright, and tender. He thanked her in a small voice. Strong but so breakable. 

Shuri walks over to him, he is sitting on edge of the bed, Steve is on his way. 

"You know I can give you a number of reasons to not go through with this."

She watches as his face lose some tension as he smiles at her. 

"I know, but...I...don't want to be used ever again, I don't.....seven decades... I've spent two years trying to pick up all the broken pieces that I have become and tried to somehow stitch them together. And here Zemo comes, a few words, and all is ripped apart."

"I'm sorry. I promise you I will do everything I can to make sure the triggers will be removed and you will never be someone's puppet again." 

Her heart breaks from the look in his eyes, he trust her. She hasn't proven herself yet, but somehow this man with his bright pale eyes saw something that makes him believe her. 

"That's the only reason I will do this. You will...Steve... He doesn't understand....he says he does, but he....he has always been..."

"I will keep an eye on him for you."

"Thank you. He Uhm...I...."

"He seems like something else." 

Bucky smiles and nodded, looking down. His right hand is hanging between his thighs the fingers relaxed. He looks up at her. 

"Have you ever met someone and got this feeling like this person...this person will be your biggest strength and your greatest weakness, but you don't mind?" 

Shuri shakes her head. She doesn't and she is not going to lie. 

"I try so hard, I've tried so hard back in...when...all my life, I just want to... Stay.... But I keep losing him."

"Maybe....this time it will be permanent, we will help you, and him, maybe this time..."

Bucky shakes his head. 

"No...it always ends in a fight, he can't let go. One day, I will lose him again, and it won't be my choice. It's never my choice."

Before Shuri can reply to that they hear the door opening and look at Steve making his way to them, his eyes on Bucky, no one else's. 

Shuri doesn't understand how Bucky can say that, and she hopes he is wrong.


	27. Years ago

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, for some reason it's another angsty one.

27 Jan years ago

Post Endgame 

(I wrote this after I read a Marvel article, that confirmed when Steve went back, and got angry all over again) 

Bucky stood under the tree, his back resting against the bark, one leg up, the knee pointing out. Both his hands is still in his jacket, since the whole morning, since Steve went back and came back. The whole five second in-between. 

Sam was still talking to him, Bruce had joined them, only Bucky hasn’t. He won’t. Sam has been casting glances to his side, but Bucky is good with ignoring people now. To stare straight ahead and pretends he doesn’t see a thing. He learned that trick years ago, before the war.

Steve has smiled so many times in this past few minutes talking to Bruce and Sam, that it must have been something to see, for Sam and Bruce. Steve certainly wasn’t smiling after the fight, he wasn’t smiling when they discussed him going back, and he certainly wasn’t smiling this morning. 

Bucky can hear the entire conversation all the way to where he is standing, Steve went back in 49, two years after he fell. He was with Hydra already for two years when Steve went to get his white picket fence. By that time, Bucky was electrocuted 57 times, starved 5 times. Beaten….multiple times, daily, his arm was sawed off, and they experimented with the technology in building him, his arm. He has read the newspaper of Steve’s crash nearly a thousand times, feeling his heart break with every single time. 

And Steve….

He planned his happily ever after.

He planned his wedding

He planned his family

He planned his future

Knowing.

Knowing…that he…

What did he do, to Steve, to the universe, to God…to anyone out there, to be discarded like this? Was his suffering the price for Steve’s happiness?

Was the two of them like a set of balance scales? One in pain, one happy, one being tortured, one happily married?

Is Bucky destined to be always the one on the dark side?

What would happen if Steve dies?

Will it tip in his favour? 

Is this the price he have to pay for being the charmer and player he pretended when he was younger? He got the happy family, the sisters and the mom and dad and the health, while Steve didn’t? 

“He wants to see you.” Bucky turns to see Sam standing next to him, his eyes filled with worry and tension. Bucky looks back to where Steve was sitting, occasionally looking at him while talking to Bruce.

Bucky shook his head. 

Steve’s eyes locked on his, the smile gone, the surprise and concern showing in the deep set of wrinkles around his eyes. Bruce has stopped talking. 

“Barnes…”

Bucky shakes his head again, turning to Sam.

“He went back in 49, when he went back he was a 106 years old, 49 to today is another 75 years, so he is now, 181. In 49 I was with Hydra for two years. He did nothing, for 75 years. And he wants to see me now? To do what? To say what? There is nothing, nothing in heaven, hell, earth and in this entire galaxy he can say, that can take that back. I don’t deny him his happiness, but he could have told me I was the price to pay for it. You can tell him one thing though, right now, I really wished he left Tony to finish me off that would have been kinder, than anything he did. Anything. I. Never. Want. To. See. Him. Again. Never.” With that Bucky turned around and walked away, back to the house. 

“Bucky, wait!” Steve tries to call standing up, his arm held out but Bucky ignored him, he continued to walk away. Sam shocked into silence, the shield hanging limply at his side. He watch as Steve tries to follow him, but Bucky is way long gone, he turns to Bruce who is looking at Steve as well before their eyes found each other. Steve just lost his friend, again. And for the second time, it was by the repercussion of his own decision.


	28. Gel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post endgame, but Sam and Bucky only.  
> (domestic)

28 Jan gel

The first thing Bucky did after he cut his hair was opening the small package that he and Sam bought that morning.

“Okay, so how does this work?” He asks Sam turning the small tub around his hands. Sam took it from him.

“Okay, you usually use the amount about the size of a hazelnut, but it depends and wary from person to person, and style.”

As he explains he used his index finger to put the amount on his left palm, Bucky watching closely.

He knew he and Sam will be working closely together and they have moved into a shared apartment that Fury provided. It was close enough that when they can respond quickly if needed. A few days later Bucky decided on making a big change, and embracing this new life. One of the first things, was a new haircut, he no longer felt he needed the long hair. The problem was that he didn’t feel comfortable with a barber, so he and Sam have been watching those quick and easy tutorials on YouTube and Instagram and felt comfortable enough. It was a huge success.

Next, was how to use gel. Sam forbid him to look for pomade or ‘whatever you old folks used’ then Sam took him to the store, and they bought a tub of gel and all the materials needed for a haircut.

“Then…you rub it together like this in your hands…”

“Just like pomade.” Bucky replies with a smile. Sam raised his one eyebrow.

“Barnes…”

“Yeah…Sorry…” But he didn’t sound apologetic at all.

“Next you – look into the mirror, you need to see this...” Bucky turns to the bathroom mirror, Sam standing behind him.

“Now…you go wild…”

Bucky watches as Sam put his hands in his hair, running his gel covered fingers through the strands, pulling one way, twisting another.

“What are you doing?”

“Trust me man, this is the new style, and the girls will go nuts…”

“I don’t want…I’m not ready for something…

“It’s okay, Barnes, I’m just messing around, you don’t’ have to do anything, but look good with your new style…There….all done….” Sam took his hands away and made finger gun movements to Bucky in the mirror. Bucky was staring at himself. He looked….He looked….good.

He leans closer to the mirror turning his head left and right.

“Pretty good hey.”

“Yeah, Sam…wow…thank you.”

“You’re welcome, now step aside let me wash my hands, next time, you’re doing it yourself.”

“I will. Thanks again.”

“No problem, I’m going to put a pizza in the oven, pepperoni or mushroom?”

“Your choice.”

“Pepperoni it is.”


	29. Jolly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wakanda recovery time

29 Jan jolly

Bucky watches as Steve got out from the lake, Sam on his heels, both surrounded by children running around them. Bucky smiled as he watched them come closer, he was busy making them lunch. He did swim, but got out to prepare the food, while Steve and Sam kept going.

Steve picks up a towel and dries off before tying it around his waist. Sam did the same.

“Is it like this every time you go swimming?” Steve asks as he sits down on of the tree barks acting as a chair. Bucky was sitting on another one.

“Every time.”

“This is so crazy, even back in Brooklyn, the kids would swarm around you, but me…not so much….”

“Until now…” Bucky provided with a smile.

Steve smiles back, nodding his head.

“Until now…”

Sam came sitting on the other bark.

“Man, I haven’t had this much fun in such a long time. These kids are amazing.”

“They are something else.” Bucky agrees.

With all the plates full they shared stories and laughing. Sam was having so much fun, he is learning a whole new side of the two men in front of him.

He pointed a finger towards Bucky.

“Seriously, you wanted to a pirate, you read all the pirate books available as a kid?”

“Yeah, he singed his hair more than once because he would read under the bed.” Steve added and Sam watches as Bucky blushed brightly, smiling as he shrugged.

“I even convinced Steve that the pirate flag was named after him.”

“Buck!” Steve cries out, with Sam bursting out laughing loudly, almost falling off the bark.

“The Jolly Roger!” Sam asks still laughing. Bucky chuckled softly.

“Yeah, told him, that they don’t want to generalize his name like that so they decided on Jolly, like an alias.”

Bucky adds. Sam was still laughing, Steve joining in.

“I believed the jerk.”

“Isn’t that where the ‘jerk’ started?” Bucky asks. Steve smiled warmly.

“Yeah Buck, I think it did. You called me a punk for falling for your joke.”

“You’re still a punk Steve.” Bucky replies but his smile was softer, his chuckles more warm. Sam watches the change, his eyes were brighter. It was his memory. A good memory.


	30. Natural disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during his two years on the run before Civil War

30 Jan. Natural Disaster

The reporter was reporting, but no one was listening, no one was even watching. No one cared, it was bad news, it was either some natural disaster somewhere in the world, or close by. Or it was a human made political disaster which is everywhere.

Bucky was sitting in the farthest corner, his metal arm hiding in his jacket. His hair washed and taken up in a small bun. His hat was low on his head, his eyes hidden away.

In front of him was a half empty glass of beer. His notebook was open. One page riddled with scribbles and letters, words that doesn’t make sense, but still somehow felt home, familiar. The other page was clean.

He glanced at the words.

_Steve?_

_Beer – yes? No?_

_Bucky_

_Beer – yes? No? Sometimes?_

_Asthma? Who…?_

_Becca?_

_Who am I?_

_Who’s Steve?_

_What am I?_

The sound of a chair falling broke him out of his thought and he spun around. Two drunk men were fighting about something, they were throwing insults back and forth, gathering the attention from the rest of the place. The bartender is walking to that side, already tired of the potential crap his bar is being dumped with. Bucky slams his book shut and grabbing his backpack, he is out of the bar before the bartender reaches the two men.

Running down the alleyway, he could hear seagulls in the background, calling him, beckoning him.

He looks back, maybe New York is getting to small for him, or too big…his answers are still unanswered, his questions more. He finds the ship with easy, able to hide away between the containers with ease.

Maybe even America is getting too crowded. He will see where the ship goes. He watches the statue becoming smaller, and more questions arises. He has seen this before, he did this before….

_When?_


	31. Lid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Bucharest

  1. Jan. Lid



The knock came after eight, Bucky was already showered and was sitting at his small kitchen table. The small radio he picked up, low on volume on some late-night music program. So far, he is really enjoying the music they are playing, allowing him to catch up on most of the music he has missed all these decades.

Putting his pen down he narrowed his eyes to the door. It smells like jasmine and lavender, the knock weak and light. The person was small in stature. He smiled. Old Mrs. Corbeanu. Standing up he made his way to the door, hiding his arm.

The knock came again. Bucky smiles, she is a stubborn old gal.

“Mrs. Corbeanu, Cu ce vă pot ajuta?”

The old lady smiles warmly at him, holding a tray with a dishcloth on top.

“Me help you, you helped me…Mai devreme.”

“Oh, the lid? That was my pleasure. Cu plăcere.” She always come to him for small favors, this afternoon was to open a lid on a very pesky bottle with pickled vegetables.

“Thank you. Here, for you.” She handed him the small tray leaving him no choice but to take it with his metal arm. He lifts the cloth to see a bowl of still warm soup and a few pieces of fresh bread, buttered.

“Esti amabil. Mulţumesch.” Bucky smiles at her, grateful for the small gesture. His dinner tonight was a few apples, and an old scone. This was heavenly.

“Mulţumesch. So much.” He thanks her again.

“I can’t repay…rambursa..”

“Nu…nu….”

Without waiting for anything else, she patted his cheek briefly, smiling at him once more before shuffling back to her apartment.

Bucky close the door and walk to his kitchen, putting the tray down before sitting down, pushing his books aside and starting to eat. He was ravenous.

Romanian translations

Cu ce vă pot ajuta? - How can I help you

Mai devreme - Before

Cu plăcere - with pleasure

Esti amabil. - You are kind

Mulţumesch - thank you

rambursa - reimburse

Nu - No


	32. Shorty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place the first night after the Azzano rescue and at the base.

All the lovely banners were made by kocuria, find her on [Tumblr!](https://kocuria.tumblr.com)  
You can find me as well at [Tumblr!](https://acrushedrosestillwins.tumblr.com/)  


* * *

* * *

  1. Feb. Shorty



The sounds outside were so comfortable and so wonderful that Bucky takes a minute to just listen to it. He is alive, somehow rescued from the Nazi’s and whatever that face thing was. Steve is here with him, safe and sound. And Strong. So strong, and big. 

Somehow that makes Bucky feels small and insecure. He is not jealous of Steve, on the contrary his worry just increased tenfold but, a small part, can’t help but wonder where it leaves him now. 

His hands are still shaking slightly, he is still hungry even though they were all spoiled rotten with portions at dinner. He eyes the small bread roll and apple. He wanted to take that to his tent, but he just might eat it now. And that’s the other thing, he doesn’t have a place to sleep, not really. They were presumed dead or whatever and their sleeping quarters distributed to others. Phillips said he will make a plan in the morning, tonight, everyone can sleep where they find a spot, a few are in the infirmary, so they are sorted. Steve has his Captain’s quarters, so he is sorted, and Bucky…

Well he is still hiding away here in the mess hall writing letters to his family back home. He doesn’t need to write to Steve anymore. 

A noise from the tent flap on the other side catches his attention, and he slides a little more to the right, the darkest part of his table. There is a nurse on the other side, but she is reading a book. 

Steve and that woman….Carter…comes strolling in, both trying to be quiet. A dull ache settles in Bucky’s stomach as he watches them, Steve is so taken in by her, he hardly saw Steve today. They got back this morning and Steve had to go give a report or whatever and left, Bucky hasn’t seen him since. 

He knows he isn’t supposed to eavesdrop, and the fact that he can hear them from where he is sitting is a cause for concern. That is something he isn’t worried about right now. 

“We can’t do this, no one is here.”

“Exactly, I know where the good stuff are Steve, sit here, I will be right back.” Bucky watches as she smiles broadly before leaving to the back kitchen. Steve was sitting on the table his eyes glancing around and seeing the nurse before looking back to where she went. 

A second later she came out with a container and a small flask. 

“Smell that…” She says and opens the lid. Whatever it was, Steve liked it. 

“Oh…I didn’t know you could get these in these parts.” 

“It’s who you know Steve, learn that. Come on I know where we can eat this in private.” 

“I should….I need to find Bucky…”

“Bucky? Sergeant Barnes?” 

“Yes. I haven’t had a change to talk to him yet since we came back.” 

“Steve, it’s 1100, don’t you think he is in his quarters, asleep?” 

“Yeah…I bet he would…”

“No.” She interrupted and both Bucky and Steve frowns.

“I’m sorry, the 107th went through a hell of an ordeal Steve, they need their rest, especially Barnes, I’ve seen some of the reports. He needs some time. Come on, share this with me, and tomorrow you both will be rested enough to catch up.” 

Bucky watches the indecision on Steve’s face before he settled on a choice and that ache in Bucky’s stomach grew larger. 

“Okay. Lead to the way.”

Bucky sat as if frozen for a few minutes before squaring his jaw and picking up his pen. He has nowhere to go, he might as well finish his letters and then sleep here. He will be gone before anyone wakes up. 

He started to write, his hand still trembling lightly.

“Sergeant Barnes?” Bucky jumped at the soft voice and spun around to see the small nurse next to him, the book in her hands, closed. 

“I’m sorry to startle you.” 

“It’s okay…I’m sorry. Can I help you?”

“I was wondering if I could help you.”

“I’m okay.”

“I know where you can sleep, we have an extra bed in the infirmary, one of the privates….he uhhm…. He won’t be needing it anymore, it’s in the corner, private, if you want it, the curtain can be closed. I’m first on shift in the morning, will wake you up before anyone notice.” 

Bucky wants to say no, but he really is tired, and a sick bed is still a bed. Even if someone died on it a few hours ago.

“Thank you. I would appreciate it.” 

“Good, I can wait here if you want to finish your letter first?”

“No, can’t keep a lady like you waiting, it’s late, my sis can wait.” Bucky attempted to smile, but both could see he was tired. She smiled and nodded. 

“You call her Shorty?” she asks, as she catches the line he was busy writing.

“Oh no, she would kick me all over to New Jersey, I call her Becca. Shorty was our code name for a friend, he is, was, short but such a stubborn punk, he will kick me to Arizona if he finds out I call him that.” 

“Why did you?”

“Because, I…need – needed, not anymore though, look after him. He could get in trouble just by breathing, and I asked my sis to look after him, since I couldn’t, being here.”

“But she doesn’t need to look after him?”

“No. I think, I just became…or we…my sis and I…became…let’s just say my services will no longer be required.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Yeah, me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorty was a special 'code word' so to speak for Bucky and his sister, that if Steve asks, he can say it's his younger sisters or something.
> 
> I also realize that I am not painting the clearest picture of Steve, and I don't apologize.


	33. Monet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post winter soldier, and pre Civil War

2.feb. monet

It is a cold and windy day, the streets devoid of the usual crowd and busyness you would find on a warm summer’s day. Bucky didn’t care for either, he is able to blend in seamlessly, even with a metal arm. 

These past few months he has been travelling from one side of the country to the next, with stops in between. Never staying in one place for longer than a week. He isn’t exactly sure what he is looking for, and why he is running. Hydra is dismantled, underground, SHIELD is gone, but the fear, that fear, that somewhere someone….he knows better than any other.

So far, he dismantled a couple of safe houses that belonged to Hydra, emptying it with anything he can use, money, clothes, food…anything. At this moment he has a couple thousand stashed, but prefers to stay low, off the grid. 

He makes his way into the museum, following a small group of people. It was cozy and warm, the smell of coffee from the small café inviting, even the pastries. Bucky knows he will buy a couple when he leaves. He is rediscovering his sweet tooth and has the metabolism to allow him to eat as much as he can. 

Museums isn’t really his thing, but today, today, he woke up feeling the need to get out, to do something different. Artworks never really grabbed his attention. That was Steve’s department. 

The first piece he actually looked at, hit him square in the jaw, a sucker punch to the gut. He knows this piece. He has seen it before. 

_ “Happy birthday Steve.”  _

_ “Bucky, this is amazing, how did you afford it?” _

_ “Don’t worry about that punk, just enjoy it, you are always going on and on about Monet…”  _

_ “He was really good Buck, look at this, it’s the Weeping Willow..” _

_ “A crying tree…that’s a bit dramatic.”  _

_ “Shut up. Isn’t it beautiful?” _

_ “Nah, your stuff is better.”  _

_ “Aah thanks Buck.”  _

Bucky looks around but no one is paying him any attention. He sits down in one of the chairs scattered around the place. His eyes still on the Weeping Willow. 

“The Weeping Willlow…” He whispered softly, wiping his eyes to keep the tear from falling.

“Not so dramatic at all. Quite fitting little Stevie.”


	34. Plastig Bag

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post Winter Soldier, Pre Civil War

3.feb.plastic bag

He keeps staring. Standing on the side next to a garbage bin and a small bench. This is the first time he can actually sit down and appreciate the new world. The twenty first century. He isn't brainwashed or focused on a mission. He is himself, whoever that may be, and he is free. Free from Hydra, free from wipes and pain and torture. Every day he is learning how to live again, how to remember and how to move forward in some way.

One of the things to do as a free man is shopping, or to buy food. He doesn't have an apartment or home, and he doesn't have a fridge, but he does have a huge amount of cash and can buy whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

Smelling the food from a distance he walked closer and now is beyond surprised.

Endless rows of fresh produce and condiments. Packets of cookies and biscuits as for as he can see.

With only his backpack, he won't be able to buy too much, but enough to keep for a while.

The first thing he wants to try is all the kinds of fruits.

Walking to the first gazebo he saw a wide range of berries and tropical fruits.

"Can I help you?" Bucky looks at the small lady and smiles.

"Yes, please, I want one of each."

"Of all the fruits?" She asks with wonder and confusion. Bucky nods.

"Yes please, can I put it in my backpack?"

"Oh not loose, it will squash and ruin it, here I will place it in a plastic bag so it's all together. Let's start with a packet of strawberries, these are very sweet and perfect for a fruit salad. Already rinsed so you can just eat it, next some plums...."

"I've never had those." Bucky whispers softly as she loads them in a bag

"Strawberries or plums?"

"Both..."

"Then your in for a lovely surprise. Because you're my first customer of the day, and certainly the nicest one so far, I'm going to give you this..." Bucky watches as she pulls a small glass jar of one shelf.

"What is that?"

"Homemade plum jam, now when you're done here, go buy some fresh rolls...some butter and jam....better than a five star, I guarantee it."

Bucky takes the bag and hands over the money.

"Thank you.. I appreciate it."

"You're welcome, now don't be a stranger."


	35. Congo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Steve visited Bucky in Wakanda

4.feb.congo

They've been climbing for almost two hours through the thick bushes. Steve came to visit Bucky in Wakanda and have been talking about exploring the bush veld and jungle for a while. Both healthy enough and strong enough to climb and hike. Both have a backpack on their backs, filled with food water, and things they might need if they run in some trouble. Bucky even compromised and only agreed on two knives instead of the usual six set of throwing knives. Progress.

Steve is the first to reach the top.

Placing his hands on his hips he stares at the scene.

"Wow, you were right Buck, this is so worth it."

Bucky shakes his head as he climbs the last few steps.

"Of course I'm right, after all I'm the smart one in this ship."

Bucky answers as he comes to a stop next to Steve. He was a bit more out of breath than Steve. Not because he wasn't as fit, but because he had one appendage missing and refused to lean on Steve for help as he climbed.

Steve chuckled.

"Yeah, you are. Want some water?"

"Yeah, and a photo. This is beautiful."

They both decided on staying a while, just them and found a spot under a tree.

They shared stories and just at moments enjoyed the silence..

Bucky looks towards on spot.

"The Congo is that way."

Steve follows Bucky's line of sight.

"That's true. A couple hundred miles right."

Bucky nods.

"I was there once, eighties or late seventies, can't remember, some parts are still hazy."

"For a mission?"

Steve softly asks, his previous experience with Hydra is still a sore and sensitive case.

"No, I don't think so. Could be. I just remember the language, the people and some bushes... The rest is just....fog.."

"I'm sorry Buck...if I knew."

"I know. Don't worry about it, it's in the past now. Besides it's not like either of us can go back and change it."

"If I could. I would." Bucky smiles at Steve's stubbornness.

"I know Steve. I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh the irony...couldn't help myself


	36. Nike

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post Endgame

5.feb. Nike

That's what we tell ourselves, isn't it? In the big scheme of things. Whenever someone dies, or leave to never return.

We tell them, we tell ourselves, we tell anyone who needs to hear "Oh, they don't ever leave us, they continue to live within us."

Maybe they do, maybe they don't, and the 'living within us' is just a way to tell ourselves that, so we can feel better every time we think about them. That somehow it's okay they died, or left. That when our brains reminds us of the pain and suffering and the memories, and the what ifs....it's okay. We have an excuse.

But...

What if that person isn't dead?

What if they are a few doors down the hall?

The catch?

They got into a time machine and left you to go back in time to live decades without you, after a promise that you'd be together till the end of the line?

Bucky makes a sound somewhere between a snort and a sob.

Thank God the promise wasn't till the end of time. Or timelines....

He left everything, to go to past. The past. But not really the past...to her.

Where she was still alive, still young, still....everything he never was. Free.

He isn't sure what date he went back exactly, he doesn't care to be honest. It's not as if he was there.

He does not really want to be here either, but who the fuck cares what he wants. No one has ever gave a shit about him, or his dreams, why would they now.

Bucky lifts his head as the bathroom door opens. He could only see the legs and feet.

A pair of black Nike's. Sam.

Shuri had the exact same pair, she even fought in hers. Bucky wants to smile at the memory, she always makes him smile, but not today.

The legs come closer and then the body sits down next to him.

Both fully clothed and in a open shower.

Both their lives just irrevocably changed.

Bucky gives a long and deep sigh.

"Same." Sam whispers softly and leans his head against the wall.


	37. Piece of string

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before the fall, like hanging off the train

6.feb. piece of string

There was a myth. A legend that said that if two people are destined to be together they would be connected by an invisible piece of string tied to their fingers or hands. The line will always stretch as they move apart, but it will never break.

Bucky will swear on his life that his line is connected to the blue eyed blonde who was able to control him since the day they met.

A sickly boy turning into a national symbol. It didn't matter, the line was there. To Bucky at least. He never told Steve that. That's why he would always say, to the end of the line, because according to the myth, the line will never be cut, never be broken and never end.

But maybe it can.

Bucky is holding on with every bit of strength his body can muster, and he knows since Azzano, the strength has increased. He didn't tell Steve that either.

"Bucky!!!"

It is only seconds but it feels like hours as he watches Steve appearing on to side of the train, he removed his helmet and was trying to reach Bucky.

Bucky knows, he won't reach but he still reaches to Steve's hand. Their eyes locked and he can see the pain, the anguish in Steve's eyes.

"Take my hand."

God, if only he could, he would. He tries to lift his body a few inches and he can see their fingers nearly touching but it isn't enough.

There's so many things he wants to say, things he never could, the fear of being outcasted, dismissed and being made an example of. The fear that he would ruin Steve's impeccable reputation. He would yell it out if he could. Above the blazing wind, the snow that keeps falling around them.

So close, but so far.

The last thing he hears is Steve's yell, then his own scream as the train gets smaller and smaller as he falls.

The last thing he sees is the piece of string connecting him to Steve stretching to a small thin line and then snap.

He closes his eyes and feels his body hits the ground. Why did the line snap?

Nothing matters anymore.


	38. Monetary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In WW2

7.Feb.monetary

Bucky is busy packing his few belongings back into his trunk when he could hear footsteps outside his tent flap.

"Sarge" The voice whispers.

Bucky frowns, he recognized it instantly.

"Myron?"

Bucky asks as he lifts the flap and a young man walks in, hunch over but standing straight as he is inside.

"What are you doing here? You are supposed to be in the infirmary."

"I know, but Sarge, they told me what you did, you saved my life and I want to say thank you."

Bucky smiles at him.

"Oh... Well you don't have to thank me, I would have done it for anyone."

"Sarge?" Bucky stops talking as he looks at Myron, he was staring at Bucky with restlessness and nervousness.

"What is it?"

"Areyoulikeme?" Myron rush out, his fingers twitching.

Bucky's eyes grew wide.

"What?"

Myron takes a small step closer.

"We never wanted to fight, drafted and ripped from our families and home to participate in some war where the politicians and big heads place some monetary value on its soldiers. Saying we’re fighting for a better world, but we both know that world hates men like us."

Bucky's face was pale as he stare. The things Myron is saying, he can identify with is exactly how he feels.

"Men like us?" He can't help but to ask as he looks into the blue eyes of the man in front of him.

"You know what I mean Sarge, the only thing is, when you see me, do you feel a little bit safer, a little less alone knowing you are not the only one?"

Bucky is trying his best but his head and heart agrees and know exactly what he is saying and his head gives a nod on its own accord.

"Sarge..."

"We can't...if someone sees us...I'm your superior officer..."

"I don't mind. It's late...I just need to know I'm not alone in this, that the way I saw you look at me is the same way I look at you."

"Myron..."

"Sarge..."

"Bucky."

"Bucky." Bucky watch the smile break out on Myron's face and can't help but to smile back as he reaches for the man, pulling him closer.

When their lips connect, Bucky can't help but to feel a little bit less alone in the world, and a little more hopeful for this war.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is before the capture of the 107th....and a bit of a hint... Myron is mentioned in my other piece "Time is a metaphor".


	39. Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During Civil War when Bucky was in the glass cell

8.feb.hands.

  


Hands, you can tell a lot about a person by the way their hands. The way they touch objects and people, the way they caress something of value, a person or even an age old heirloom. 

The way they draw circles and figures in the sand, or play with their cutlery while they ate. 

So many ways, so many different tells to identify a person without words. 

Bucky looks away from the hands that just tightened the metal bindings across his shoulders and chest. He can't move. Short bursts of electricity would occasionally run through the binds into him, keeping him subdued, at least that's the idea. 

Bucky clench and unclench both his hands as another shock runs through his body. The glass cell is constricting and he feels like he is on the spotlight, but there is nothing he can do. He wants to look at Steve, and for a brief moment he did, but he can't, he can't take that look in Steve's eyes. Not when there is nothing he can do to take it away. 

Instead he looks down to his hand, the metal one and all its plates. The flesh one and all its grooves and wrinkles. The nails short. 

Maybe he should have run when he had the chance to, but he can't, he couldn't leave Steve. Not again. 

Besides he is tired of running. 

He wonders if his hands will ever takes Steve's again, and it would be to build up, not break down.


	40. Dials

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovering in Wakanda

9.Feb dials

Bucky looks down at his phone, he had a miss call from Steve. He should talk to him, he should. He doesn’t know where Steve is, he and Sam and Natasha is somewhere in this world, doing what he can only assume is missions but he isn’t privy to that. Steve doesn’t want him to know. Bucky should ‘rest’. Bucky should ‘recuperate’ and get his memories back. 

Bucky wanted to be with Steve. He wanted to do what he always has done, watch Steve’s back, and keep him safe. How can he be here while his heart, his worry is somewhere out there in world. 

He should call. 

What to say? How to say it? His voice…he needs to hide his worry, his anxiety. He needs Steve to believe he is okay and doing well. 

He presses the number, trying to press the green little phone button to make the dial go through. It took several tries and several dials make the call go through. His signal was good, it must be Steve’s that is rocky, and that makes him even more anxious. 

“Hey Buck…Sorry, the receptions is a bit bad…How are you?”

Bucky puts on his widest smile. 

“Hey Steve, doing good and you?” 

Steve can’t know.


	41. Citizen 862

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH please don't hate me. I didn't mean to start your Monday of like this.  
> It is Major Character Death

10.Feb. Citizen 862

It took him four months after the world was saved to get himself into trouble, again. Granted, he was preoccupied and didn’t pay attention as he normally would. A lot has happened. The world was different, and even though he is no stranger to strange worlds. He is to the idea, that half the population went away and then appeared again in seconds. Five years made the world look something out of a dystopian novel, and that is what gets him.

Add the fact that his best friend, his only link to a world that he was part of before he was unmade and then remade into something completely different is gone. He still has gaps in his memory, and now, now he has no one to ask what is real or what is imagined.

He can probably still asks Steve, but that means he should talk to him, tell him that he is upset, that he is angry but most of all, scared and disappointed. Even though he knew what he was going to do, he gave his blessing. He can’t let the truth come out. And now it won’t.

Because he went on a rampage, trying to find a way to redeem himself, to find some kind of worth that would make him sleep at night. Steve didn’t understand, he didn’t understand a lot of things about Bucky since he appeared an old man. Sam did. Sam kept asking him to be careful, to not go do things without back up. But still, Bucky did.

And now he is going to pay for it.

He is standing in an old bunker, a Hydra base. The chair is staring at him, he was about to destroy it when the whole base shut down, locking him in. He also knows that the men in front of him, are not normal agents, they specialised, in him, in making soldiers like him. They don’t need to fight, they have canisters and ways, he can’t overpower them, one at a time, but not everyone. He takes out a few, the others will press a button and a gas will engulf the place and he would be unconscious. They have the small gas masks around their necks. He really is trapped and none of his fighting skills will be of use to him.

“You have nowhere to go. Outside this lab is a whole new bunch of Winter Soldiers, five years is enough to work in silence, in the shadows.”

He suspected as much.

Which is way he called Sam the moment the base was lock down. He can hear Sam in the background listening to the whole conversation. He also kept his location and network sharing on, so that Sam can use his phone to access the network here and get everything they needed to stop them. He won’t, it is all on Sam now. Because Bucky, knows he isn’t going to leave this place today, not alive. He made a promise to himself. He will never ever, never ever go back into that chair. He will never be unmade again. He will die first. The fall down the mountain didn’t kill him, but the explosives he placed before he entered, the one connected to the remote on his wrist, will.

“I know.” He answers and smiles. He doesn’t know what else to do.

“You were the original.”

“Yeah, Citizen 862, took you 862 attempts to get it right, and now I will take you all down with me. I will not go back to that chair.”

He can hear Sam in the background, he knows he had enough time to download everything. he can also hear the sharp intake at his reply.

“Barnes.”

“I was looking forward to work with you, Cap.” He replies, softly, only Sam able to hear him.

“You will not succeed in killing us, or yourself.” The lead scientist says, taking a step closer, pulling out the canister of the gas.

“I will.”

He slowly put his feet apart, shoulder width apart, his right arm on top of the left, and the metal on. His thumb reaches to the button next to his watch.

“Goodbye Sam.”

“Don’t…”

Sam never got to finish his sentence when the millisecond was the most silent millisecond in Bucky’s life before there was nothing.


	42. Embargo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky in Wakanda

11 Feb Embargo

Bucky was sitting on the ledge overlooking the gardens. The palace was behind him. Shuri was sitting next to him, playing with some technological gadget.

"So...you look like you have something on your mind."

Smiling Bucky glance at her before looking back to the view.

"I was wondering, I have been catching up and notice that the US has several sanctions with several countries out there. Long story short, I think I may have a part in some, but anyway... Now that Wakanda is out there...one of the sanctions..."

"They wouldn't dare to embargo us on dual-technology exports. Wakanda have complete access at all times, and if someone tries to undermine us, or betray that..."

Bucky and Shuri shares a look, both smiling smugly.

"Yeah. I hear you." Shuri place her arm around him.

"Thank you, for worrying about this, but really, there is no need."

"I know, I just.... You have been so kind to me, more than my home country ever was, sometimes this feels more like home than the US."

"Well, I am not going into my opinion about how they treat their veterans, or their POW's...but I will say this." Bucky frowns and look at her.

"This is your home, you will always be welcome here."

"Thanks Princess. I love you, you know that right?"

"Oh, I know. So it is only fair you know I love you too."


	43. a quiet rebellion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> post Winter Soldier

  1. Feb. A quiet rebellion



One of the first things Bucky did after he walked away from his past as the Winter Soldier was to find out about his past. His past as man, not a killer. The first few days was hard, and confusing. He wasn't always sure where he was and what he was doing, he was just surviving. Somehow surviving came easy. 

A few weeks later, he found some clothes and went to the museum. He read through every article, every book about the war, about the Howlies, about him. There weren't many. What there was, he instinctively knew they don't have it all right. The general stuff, like his height, rank and place of birth, yes, but him. Not so much.

The first thing he needed to do, was to figure out who he is, without the bits the books have. 

For starters, he knows he wasn’t called James Buchanan Barnes, maybe by teachers but not by family. Not by that man... That blonde man, called him 'Bucky' He wants to know who 'Bucky' was. He will find out. 

Bucky glance to the coffee shop on his right, there was a big black board with words. he reads it and smile. It would be a quiet rebellion, to throw away the Winter Soldier, and discover Bucky.

He looks at the board one last time.

"The strongest rebellion may be expressed in quiet undramatic behavior."


	44. Rest your feet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky in WW2, before Steve

13 Feb rest your feet

Bucky is busy unpacking his mediocre belongings in the big trunk in front of his bed. Or cot, more accurately. For some reason, he misses his raggedy old bed at home. Every move could be heard, the mattress was lumpy and the blankets were a bit worn, but still. Much much better than this thing.

This mattress is hard and thin. Clean, but uninviting. The blanket is standard. The colour that is mix between ‘I’m trying to fit into the army’ and ‘I’m supposed to imitate a sick tree’. At least, that is his opinion and he isn’t keen on changing it soon. He just hopes it is warm.

A loud bellowing laugh catches his attention and he look to his right. A big man, with a bowler hat just walked in, with some guys, they are laughing at some joke. They are his team, his people, his squad, his responsibility. He is expected to lead them. To what, he isn’t sure. To war, the front lines, to victory, or their death?

“Sarge, here, take some of this, you look way too tragic for a newbie.”

Bucky looks at the man holding out a small flask, his bushy moustache framing a smirk and his eyes sparkling with mischief.

“Where did you scrounge this Dugan?”

“Ah Sarge, ask no questions, I won’t lie…” The smirk transforms into a loud laugh and Bucky shakes his head. Taking the flask, he takes a large sip and comes up choking.

The others burst out laughing.

“That would give you some chest hair Sarge!”

“I…like my…chest…as it is…Dugan.” Bucky sputters between coughs. Dugan pats him on the back.

I bet the Dames too, here…have a cig…” Bucky gratefully takes the cigarette.

“Thanks. I take it you’re the one to go to if you need things…”

“Aye…Dum-Dum to my friends. Almost done unpacking?”

“Yeah…Not much to unpack.”

“True, this ain’t to resort to rest your feet, welcome to shit creek city, Sarge. Let me and the men take you on a tour.”

Bucky looks to the men, all smiling and eyes bright. He bet the tour is to the nearest pub. He shouldn’t, he should finish unpacking, write letters to Becca and Steve and his Ma, and then find his superiors.

“You know what….Dum-Dum, lead the way.”

“That’s the spirit Sarge, not so bad for a Yankee you….”


	45. Don't buy flowers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky, Sam and Wanda after Endgame

14 Feb don’t buy flowers

Bucky wants to get out of the building, it is too big, too noisy, to crowded… He has never seen a shop this big, with such huge variety of stuff. Sam and Wanda is having a ball, both have gotten trolleys and were loading it with stuff. Half the stuff, he didn’t know what it does, what he is supposed to do with it, or why they need it. He did ask, the answer. 

“We just do.”

Bucky’s heap is minimal, a packet of 7 T-Shirts in various colours, deodorant, aftershave, soap, a few necessities, socks, practical things. He is sharing his trolley with Sam, who is apparently not shy on loading it.

“Five packets is enough right?” Bucky looks up to see Wanda walking over to him, holding five small boxes in her arms.

“Five packets of what?” He asks, watching her dumping it all in the trolley.

“Oreo flavoured cereal…”

“Oreo what?”

“You’re right, I need to get another one, two for each of us…” With that Wanda turned around and run back down the aisle of cereals. Bucky is looking back at the trolley then the aisle. She didn’t even glance in the direction of the oatmeal. Bucky isn’t really missing oatmeal that much anyway.

“Okay, six boxes, you know, we need to get some ice-cream too.” Wanda adds.

“But we can get that last, before it melts.” Sam answers as he joins them. His hands also full with a big box.

“What is that?”

“Cheese grillers, trust me…they are worth it.”

“Oh yeah….” Wanda agrees.

Bucky can only shake his head as they did their shopping.

They were almost finish when Bucky stopped.

“What's wrong?” Sam asked but Bucky walked over to the horticulture department.

“Hey don’t buy flowers!” Sam called out and Bucky held out his hand and gave him the middle finger in the most subtle way possible.

He picks up two plants and just to spite Sam a bouquet of flowers.

“Every home needs some greenery, and the flowers are for Wanda.”

“Aaaaw thank you Bucky.” Wanda immediately took the flowers and smells it as Bucky gave Sam a smug look over her shoulder.

Sam just rolled his eyes but kept the smile as they made their way to the tellers.


	46. Drill bits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During the captivity of the 107th

15 Feb drill bits

The men were tired. They were close to collapsing in fact, but the guards didn’t care. Bucky could feel himself getting sick, he was warm, and his throat scratchy, but he didn’t dare to say something. That is a sure way to get attention, unwanted attention.

Bucky looks around him, the 107th have been captured for quite some time now. He tried to keep track, but between the beatings and the fact that they aren’t allowed outside, time moves differently. The worse though, they won’t be rescued. He knows it. The US don’t do that. The war won’t allow it. Unless he finds a way for him and his men to escape, they are most likely going to die down here. Which means his sister is going to get a letter, and she will have to tell their Ma and Pa, and she would have to tell Steve.

Steve….

“Hey!” Bucky jumps as the load bang sounds next to him. He got distracted, his thoughts drifting to his family. The guard noticed and was slamming some metal pipe next to him.

He picks up the hammer, but the soldier grabs it out of his hand, back handing him the same time. With a grunt he falls and everyone stops to watch. One captive is trying to help him up, but the solder steps closer.

He grabs Bucky by his shirt and pulls him up.

“You must work! Or maybe you would like me to take these drill bits laying around and ram it down your throat!”

Bucky kept staring at the soldier, not making a sound or any movement. If you do, you get beaten worse.

The soldier just snarled and pushed Bucky backwards against the tables, causing him to fall over and taking half the equipment with him. He kept quiet.

The solder looks around.

“Work!”

Everyone scrambles back to their post, no one helping Bucky up as he struggles and went back to his post. Picking up the hammer again, he could feel eyes on him. Turning around he saw a man on the hedge overlooking them. He was short with glasses, wearing civilian clothes and a white lab coat.

He was smiling.


	47. Hat pin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre CA TFA

16 Feb hat pin

Bucky made sure he was awake before the rest of his family. It was Becca’s birthday, her sweet sixteen. She better be sweet, otherwise he and Steve will have a talk with some boys…..

Anyway, he went to the kitchen and got started on breakfast like he always does. Becca will be down first, helping Ma with their sisters before leaving for school. 

The oatmeal was just about done when she came bustling in. 

“Morning Bucky.”

“Morning sis, happy birthday.” 

He pulled his sister in tight hug that she reciprocated with a laugh. Bucky picks her up and twirls her around before putting her down again. 

“Thank you, Bucky.” 

“Oh, I got you something.” Bucky replies and pulls out a small box from his pocket, handing it to her. 

“What is it?” 

“Look silly.” 

With excitement running through her, she opened the small box. Bucky feels a swell of pride seeing the surprise and wonder in her eyes as her mouth fell open. 

“Bucky…” 

“You like it?”

“It’s absolutely gorgeous.” Becca answers and lifted the hat pin from its case. 

“It’s all the fashion these days, and I wanted to be the first to get you the latest one.”

“How much did it cost?” 

“Not telling ya.” 

“Oh Bucky, it is beautiful, I love it, the light blue is so soft.” 

“It’s glass, but it looks like the gemstone aquamarine, which is…”

“The gemstone of your birthday month.” Becca finish for him. Bucky shrugs.

“That way, you will always think of me.”

“As if I can forget you.” 

“You better not.”


	48. Sanctimonious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 after Steve joined

17 Feb sanctimonious

Bucky glance back to where Steve was talking to Colonel Phillips, Agent Carter, and some other higher ups. He, and the other men weren’t privy to that meeting. Just the foot soldiers, just the puppets who execute the master’s orders.

Bucky shake himself. He shouldn’t be thinking like this. Thinking like that, would just make him angrier, it will make him say something he shouldn’t. To someone he shouldn’t. The rest of the men, are still uttering crude thoughts and words. Muttering under their breath as they make their way to the showers. Bucky following behind, he would kill for a shower, no…he would love one. He just spent the better half of his week killing.

“Can’t believe that sanctimonious bullshit…” Bucky turns to see DumDum and Falsworth muttering. Only catching every second word. What he hears is enough to make him want to wash his ears, if his Ma has to hear the language, she would wash their mouths with the strongest soap she can find.

A slight smile appears on his lips, thinking about his mom. He misses home, so fiercely.

“What do you think Sarge?”

“I don’t know Falsworth, I agree, that was a complete and utter fuck up situation, Cap may give them some piece of mind, if I read his posture right.”

“Aye, let’s hope so, he looked rightly pissed, but Agent Carter didn’t look worried.” Morita threw in, the same time he throws his shirt to one side and stand under the water spray. It was lukewarm at best. Bucky watches and follows with his own clothes.

“She wouldn’t, would she?” DumDum agrees.

Bucky knows he should say something, but the fact is, he agrees. The mission they just did, was a complete fuck up. They barely survived, Steve came close to a few intimate moments with a bullet. Bucky himself had to change position a few times. They all wanted to retreat, to regroup. Agent Carter insisted on going forward, and Steve the middle man, had to take both sides in consideration. In the end, decided to go with her decision.

Bucky snorted out loud at that. Didn’t need to be a smart lad to see why.

The murmuring and complains suddenly stopped.

Bucky frowns and looks up, to see Steve standing at the side, watching them.

DumDum unperturbed held out his hand to Bucky.

“Pass the soap please Sarge.”

Bucky picks up the bar and handed it to him.

“Thanks.” DumDum turns to Steve.

“So how much trouble are we in?”

“Why would you be in trouble?” Steve asked, folding his arms. The team glance at each other before looking away.

DumDum shrugs and started to wash himself.

“No reason Captain, no reason at all.” Steve looks away to Bucky who just looks back and move to the side to make space for Steve.

“No, I will come back later.” Steve answers and turns around to walk away. Bucky watches him with a deep sigh. He should go talk to him, but not right now. After the shower and some food.


	49. Envelope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brooklyn pre war days

18 Feb envelope

Becca knows something is wrong the moment she steps into the house. Usually she is first home, Pa at work, and mom doing goodwill work at the local church until the afternoon. Her sisters are still at school and Bucky is at work. Plus, he and Steve is sharing an apartment so he is out of the house.

Still….

She can smell cigarette smoke.

Slowly she walks to the kitchen and feels her heart skipping a beat before it falls to her shoes. Her brother is sitting on a kitchen chair, his head in his hands, elbows resting on his knees. The cigarette between his fingers, the ash long. What is he doing here? He should be at work?

“Bucky?”

He looks up and she gasps, as her eyes fill with tears. Bucky is crying, the tears running down his face. His eyes catch something on the table before he looks down again. His shoulders shaking as new sobs spills over.

With an adrenaline rush she rushes to him, falling on her knees grabbing his hands. Her eyes catch the envelope on the table, the letter half out. She knows what that is.

“Oh God no…Bucky…nonononono.” She starts crying too her arms wrapping around her brother, who opens his arms so she can fall against him.

“I….I….it’s re….al…Be….” He tries and she holds him tighter.

The war came home, Bucky is drafted. Her sweet loving and kind brother is called to go fight another man’s war.

She doesn’t know what to say, so she keeps quiet, instead she just holds him as tight as she could as they both cries.


	50. Jurisdiction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Directly after CW, when Bucky and Steve walks out.

19 Feb jurisdiction

They stumble out of the bunker, both tired, bloody and in pain. Bucky tries his damnest to stay upright and hold as much of his own weight as Steve half drags, half carries him out. That was one hell of a fight. Both lost too much in there.

“You…gave…up…the….shield….” Bucky stumble but stays upright as they make their way out to the jet.

“I’m more than the shield Buck, they never saw that.”

“I did.” Bucky whispers as Steve slowly lowers him to the ground.

“Yes. You always do.”

It is quiet for a few moments. Bucky looks to his shoulder where the arm use to be. Now, just shredded metal, some bits still warm. Especially the metal in his body. God, it hurts.

“Steve…”

“Hmmm?”

“I need some snow…”

“Are you thirsty, I can get water, there is in the jet, a med kit too…”

“No….I need it for…” Bucky trails of. Unsure of how to explain, but he was saved by the cat man appearing. His face mask off, holding what looked like a spur of the moment made ice bag.

“His side, the reinforced metal, you have internal injuries.”

Steve jumps up, ready to fight but Bucky looks at him and nods.

“Yes.”

The man walks closer, his hand held out, the other one holding the ice bag.

“Please, this would help him.”

“Why should I trust you?”

“You shouldn’t. But I promise you, I mean no harm, my eyes have been opened, brutally.” T’Challa looks over to the side, his face sombre. Bucky sighs.

“Please Steve, it will really help.”

Steve turns to Bucky and slowly lowers his arms.

“What did you mean by the reinforce metal and internal injuries?” Steve asks but Bucky answers.

“The arm, it wasn’t just attached Steve. They had to reinforce the heavy metal, there’s metal screws and plates. Half of my torso is reinforced to keep it up, my ribs, back…shoulders…the arm was quite heavy.”

Steve’s face contorts into a grimace, his eyes burning with anger and guilt.

“When he blew it off, the heat…”

“Yeah…” Bucky mumbles and allows T’Challa to put the bag against his side, Steve watching closely. His hands still reaching for Bucky as he let out a hiss of pain as the cold presses against his body.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. So what happened….one moment you want to claw my eyes out, the next…”

T’Challa sat down and briefly explain the situation to them. Steve would balls his fist and let go before balling it tight once more.

“You need to go Steve, the clean-up alone…I will be fine…I can hide…”

“No.” Both Steve and T’Challa exclaimed.

“I’m not leaving you Buck.”

“Neither am I. I was wondering if I can persuade you to go home with me.”

“To Wakanda?”

“Yes, my si…I have people who can help you. The technology far better than the rest of the world, plus I can protect you from the Accords.”

“They will try to extradite me.”

“They have no jurisdiction. I can protect you without anyone knowing where you are.”

“Why would you do that?” Steve asks, watching both, but staying close as possible to Bucky without actually sitting on him.

“Because I was wrong, and I want to correct that.”

“Steve…” Bucky tries.

“You can come too Captain, you will be safe. I will help you to get your friends out of this whole mess too. The man with the birdsuit, the small one…the women with the red hair…I will offer my services.”

Both Bucky and Steve stare at the man then back at each other.

“Your Highness…”

“T’Challa, please. Now, come on, the authorities will be here shortly to apprehend Zola and rescue Mr. Stark. We should get going.”


	51. beneficial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid Bucky

20 Feb beneficial

Bucky watches his mom enter the house, he knows she is upset. The door was closed just a little bit harder than normal. From the way Becca comes trailing behind her, her wind-swept hair, he knows she struggled to keep up with Ma’s steps.

“Hi Ma, I made some sandwiches if you’re hungry.”

Winifred deflated immediately with a deep breath. Looking at her boy, she smiles softly.

“Thank you, that is too kind. I would love some.”

“You okay Ma?”

“Yes….” Taking a sandwich, she sits at the table, her two kids next to her.

“Mrs Lewis and Ma had a fight.” Becca offers taking a huge bite.

“I’m sorry Ma.” Bucky tried, closing his schoolwork books.

“Don’t be.” His Ma answers before looking at him.

“Listen Bucky, out there you will meet a lot of people growing up, some good, some not so good. We can’t judge, but Bucky, you can’t stand by if they are mean to other people you hear? Some people should not be in your life, not because they are no longer beneficial. It is because you don’t need toxicity like that in your life. People should be free, to be themselves…. even if they are different…love different…”

Winifred trails off standing up and declaring she is going to wash her hands and then start doing housework.

Bucky stares after her, very confuse, his mouth open and eyebrows scrunch up.

“Huh?”

“Mrs. Lewis said bad words about a boy on the corner, who she said ‘his love is unnatural…it’s not good Christian’ or something…don’t remember. Ma said, it is not for us to judge. Then she said, but it isn’t right, and Ma said it’s between them and God, not us and God. I don’t understand Bucky, what did we have to do with it?”

“It’s not that kinda ‘us’.”

“Then who?”

“’Us’ the people.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Me too…why does it matter who you love? Isn’t love supposed to be good and pure?”

Now Becca is the one with the confused face.

“Huh?”

Bucky looks towards the room his Ma left, feeling better knowing she doesn’t judge too.

“Don’t worry sis, I will tell you some other time.” Bucky answers before jumping up and taking his school bag over to his room. Becca stares after him.

“But I wanna know now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really struggled a bit with this one, hope it is okay


	52. Gender specific

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre Civil War  
> Bucky on the run

21 Feb gender specific

Bucky looks around the small town market. He is somewhere in the countryside of Europe, he crossed the border from France a few hours ago. He has money with him, and will need to find a place to sleep pretty soon. These small towns always have a guest house or hostel somewhere. The best place is to go to the pubs. One always picks up information there.

Some bright colours catches his eye on the left and he turns to walk closer. It was an Avengers theme shop. All of them in different colours and sizes. There was Ironman mugs, Hulk pillows, Thor towels…oh…Captain America lunch boxes. Bucky steps closers to the blue and white and red. The shield front and centre.

_“Come on Buck, you need to help me with this.”_

_“No, you’ve spent the entire day yesterday throwing that thing around and around and around and a…”_

_“I get it…I need to get that one twist perfect, the wind wasn’t so good yesterday. Please Buck.”_

_“Steve….”_

_“Please Buck…for me…I will let you play with it too…”_

_“Fine, besides I know what you’re doing wrong, it’s in the wrist.”_

_“Is that so…”_

Bucky is startled by a slight push around his hips and steps away to see a small girl grabbing a soft plush toy, it’s the Hulk.

“I want this one mommy.”

The mother smiles and takes out her wallet. A man steps up and looks towards the women handling the till.

“Do you have him in pink?”

Bucky frowns, the mom rolls her eyes.

“Excuse me sir?”

“Well, my daughter wants him, but he is green, do you have one in pink.”

“Why?”

“Because she is a girl.”

“And therefore, can’t understand the colour green?” The women ask, and Bucky tries to keep his mouth in a tight line.

“Listen.”

“Donald, enough. It’s the Hulk, there is nothing gender specific about the green monster and going “Hulk smash”. The mom tried and both Bucky and the woman at the till shares a look.

The little kid oblivious holds her toy close and then grabs a Captain America glass.

“I want this too.”

Bucky looks at his friend’s face, even in comic he still has the strong jaw, the bright blue eyes, but they have the small crook in his nose wrong.

Without a sound he turns around and walks away.


	53. Flash mob

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovering in Wakanda

22 flash mob

Recovering in Wakanda

Bucky was sitting on the balcony, overlooking the courtyard. Now that some memories are back and more returning each day, he feels a bit anxious sitting so high up. Especially with the fact that there is only a glass pane between him and a long drop down.

“You okay there?” Bucky turns to look at Shuri, walking closer with a bag of snacks and refreshments.

“Yes. Thank you.” The answer was soft, still a bit unsure. Shuri furrows her brow but let it slide. He is much better than when he arrived, but still every day is different. He will get there.

“Good, cause even though this is a bit high, I always get a bit antsy with this glass. I know it’s solid and bulletproof and so forth, but still…I think it is the fact that you can see right through it.”

“Yeah, guess so.” Bucky replies with a soft smile. Shuri hands him his drink and a packet of caramel popcorn before they both lean back.

“What are we doing here again?”

Shuri’s eyes lit up.

“We have a flash mob today, no one knows, except me… I know everything, and I remember you said you like dancing, so you will enjoy this. It is amazing. You are going to have your mind blown! In a nice way.” She added with a sheepish smile.

Bucky chuckled softly. Shuri is the only one willing to remove the gloves when talking to him, even with his mind being all over the place.

“What’s a flash mob?”

“Oh…you just have to wait and see….”

Bucky watch as her eyes sparkle with a devilish glint, before checking her watch.

“Five minutes…take out your phone, the one I gave you, practice your video capturing skills.”

Bucky keeps frowning but slowly takes out the phone.

Shuri claps her hands together.

“This is going to be so worth it.”


	54. Limited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre infinity war

23 Feb limited

Pre-infinity war

Bucky stares at himself in the mirror. Yesterday he was out in the fields, feeding the goats. Wearing comfortable clothes, his arm covered by a blanket. 

Today…

Now he is wearing another metal arm. Shuri made it for him, it is stronger and lighter, and it looks good. He likes the design. 

He is also wearing a new uniform, and it is clear where the Princess got the inspiration from…The Howlies was a lifetime ago. 

Still, it is comfortable, it is strong and much better than the old ones. 

There is a war coming and from the whispers and looks around him, it is a big one. A very big one. One that will have deep and heavy repercussions. Steve is on his way here, with Sam, Natasha and a few others. He needs to fight again. That is what he asks, “Where’s the fight?” 

“Sir?” Bucky looks to the man standing at the door, looking at him. Bucky turns away and walks out. 

“Where are we meeting up?” 

“King T’Challa asks us to all meet in the mission room, he will give us the latest information and when we can except Captain Rogers and his party.” 

“Thank you, that is good.” 

“After that we can go to the armory, to get our weapons.” 

Oh yes, what is a war without weapons.

“Don’t worry sir, we are not limited in any regard, especially technology and weapons.” 

“I wasn’t worried but thank you.”

“You’re welcome sir. Here we are. After you.” 

With a smile and a heavy feeling in his stomach, Bucky went in. He had a feeling this war….this one will change everything.


	55. Malfunction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Captured in Azzano

24 Feb malfunction

Bucky tries as hard as he can to fight back, but the hold is strong, tight and relentless. The soldiers are healthy, Bucky is weak. He has no idea how long they were captured for, but it was long. So many died through malnutrition, through violence. Many…because they went through the door he just went through.   
DumDum’s face will haunt him for a long while as he watches, as he tried to keep the soldiers from taking him, but he only got a few punches for his effort.   
The hallway is long, and eerily silent after he spent most of his time in captivity surrounded by noise. Noise of machines, noise of soldiers yelling. Noise of prisoners screaming, crying, praying doing everything but being quiet. Not even in sleep, a cough here, a painful grunt. Bucky suddenly hates the silence, he wants the noise again.   
A small man walks out the door into the hallway, watching as they come closer. He was smiling broadly, his eyes sparkling through his glasses.   
“Ah, yes…perfect…wonderful specimen.”   
Bucky snarls at the man and it seems to egg him on, as he smile is even more frantic.   
“Oh, such a fighter, oh yes…bring him in, tie him to the table, I am behind schedule. After yesterday’s malfunction we need to succeed, this one will do fine, I can feel it.”   
Bucky stares at the man as the implication hit him. He is going to be some kind of test subject, and from the sound of it, there is a lot riding on him making it.   
“Go to hell.” He growls out as the soldiers drag him past him. The man chuckles with some joy.  
“Oh, after you Sergeant Barnes. After you.”


	56. seedlings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid Bucky

25 Feb seedlings

“MAAaaaaa!” Bucky yells throughout the house, dumping his school bag on the first available surface that is not the floor. His shirt untucked and hair a mess.

“Maaaaa….” He yells again and walks into the kitchen to see the back door open. Grabbing a piece of bread, he runs outside to find his mom underneath the big tree, tending to her garden. Her stomach was huge.

“I’m home Ma.” Winifred turns to him with a smile.

“Oh, I heard, I think the whole neighbourhood heard. How was your day?”

Bucky shrugs and picks up the small garden tool.

“It was good, I didn’t like history today but that’s fine. Steve and I draw pictures in the back.” Bucky answers noncommittally.

“Instead of paying attention?” Winifred ask placing her hands on her hips. Bucky tries to look ashamed and guiltily but is failing.

“Uhm…well…it was just a revision…”

“Is that so?”

“Uh huh.”

“Of what?”

Bucky looks up before looking down.

“Oh history…”

“James…”

“Steve calls me Bucky, I like that.”

“Is that so…”

“Uh huh.”

Winifred sighs deeply before picking up the tools and putting everything aside. Bucky helping her as he is going to be a big brother and the ‘man of the house’. Men of the house do that, they help, that’s what his Ma says and his Pa.

“What did Ma plant?”

“Potato seedlings, Aunt Leslie says the winter is going to be tough, we should stock up.”

“She always says that.”

“And she is right. Besides, the more we have, the more we can share with Steve and his mum right?” Winifred watched her son’s eyes sparkle.

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

“Nice. Thanks Ma.”


	57. Mine shaft

26 Feb mine shaft

Pre Civil War

Bucky is no stranger to underground bunkers and mine shafts. He has spent more time of his life underground or locked away in freezers than upside. Even before he got work at the docks, it was a close call or he would’ve worked in a mine.

Now, once again, he is underground. He has been free for a couple of months now. Always on the run. He knows Hydra is gone and Shield is dismantled, but he also knows, it won’t stay that way. Cut off one head and so forth. They are waiting their time. They always do.

Right now, however, he is trying to get out of the rain. And the mine shaft is perfect. Even old, it is still sturdy and stable. He has enough food for a few days and from the way it looks, the rain will be a couple days. He can use old mine equipment to make a makeshift bath. He will be okay.

First thing first, using old wooden planks and beams laying around to get a fire going, then a place where he can sleep. He has a few candles with him, and a torch so light is okay. He has his notebooks with him, his pens and everything else to survive a couple days.

It is not perfect, but it will do.

At least it is not Hydra, and that suits him just fine.


	58. Bounty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post Endgame

27 Feb bounty

Post endgame

Bucky watch as Sam was walking with a smile and a slight swagger in his hips.

“You seem happy today?” He asks, breaking the silence. Sam glanced at him.

“Yeah, woke up in a good mood, my favourite song was playing…” Sam trails off and enters the little shop on the corner.

Smiling Bucky makes his way to the candy aisle. He can understand it, sometimes one just wakes up feeling good, it took him a while, but he did it. He enjoys them.

“Hey, besides some soda and chips do you want anything? I know there is usually lunch provided at these meetings, but it is a long walk.” Sam asks coming towards him with two sodas and two packets of chips. They were on their way to an Avenger meeting, and he is right. Lunch and snacks are provided but Sam is clearly in the mood to nibble the whole day.

“Chocolates.”

“Man, you really have a sweet tooth, don’t you?”

“Oh yea…so want some.”

“Get me that Bounty bar, the big plus size one…” Bucky picks it up and looking at it, picked up another one.

“Okay, let’s go.”

Together they walked to the counter to pay for it. Bucky looks at Sam.

“I like days like this, just waking up happy.”

Sam smiles and hands over the money before taking the bag with their snacks.

“Me too.”

The man at the counter smiles and hands them their change. Bucky and Sam looks at each other and Sam turns back to the man.

“Keep the change man.”

“Have a good day.” Bucky added as they both walked out.


	59. Crimson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre Civil War

28 Feb Crimson

Pre Civil war

The ladle clatters with a loud clang on the floor, sauce and bits of food splattered around it. Bucky didn’t hear it or see it. He was staring ahead, his eyes in the direction of the pot of stew bubbling on the stove, but his eyes…. His eyes saw something else.

The memory hit him out of nowhere, he was listening to some music. Excited for the warm dinner, happy that he remembered his mom’s recipe for the stew when the memory hit him.

_The bar quieted down and he turns around to see what was the cause was and saw Steve doing the same. Everyone was staring at her P…something… in her blood red dress. The crimson flowing around her, tight in all the right places, accentuating her assets perfectly. Bucky is impressed but knew she didn’t dress up for anyone. Just one. He catches Steve’s reaction in the corner of his eye and felt his stomach drop. Pretend everything is fine, so he did. It was a waste, he was more invisible in that smoky bar as back when he was in that factory. Zola saw way too much._

_He kept quiet, watch as his best friend tries to flirt, tries to keep his face neutral, but his eyes. It is always always in the eyes. You can’t hide that. Steve never could hide anything in those eyes of his._

_His eyes glazed a bit, his heart skipped a few beats and his mouth slightly pull to one side, a poor imitation of a smile as he realizes the truth. A hard truth, and that is that Steve will choose her over him. Sooner or later, but somehow, he lost this boy, this magnificent man and there is nothing he can do about it._

Bucky sucks in a deep breath as his eyes blinks and he is standing back in the small space. The stew still bubbling softly on the stove, the smell divine. He looks around to his apartment, the mismatched furniture. It isn’t much, but it is his. Bending down he picks up the ladle.

No use to cry over spilled milk as his mom would say. He has no idea if she is still alive, probably old now with a life lived. Steve is somewhere in the States with his team, saving the day. He is on his own.

It’s okay, he does better alone, anyway.


	60. leap year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre war, before Bucky is drafted

29 Feb Leap year.

(my own prompt)

Pre Captain America The First Avenger

Bucky is sitting on a crate, a cigarette between his lips, hanging loosely. His fingers on his left holding half a sandwich, while he played with tape in his right hand. It was lunch and he was sitting around with the other men, all enjoying a moments’ reprieve from the labor.

The silence is broken when Johnny came running over to them looking dishevelled and scared.

“What’s got your up your shirt?” Danny asks trying to blow circles with the cigarette smoke.

“They have started rations over the pond.”

This got everyone’s attention. Bucky could feel a dread settling in his bones. Even the wind at the docks settled.

“What?”

“Just came over the wire, the UK is to introduce rations, the war is growing, spreading more outward.”

Bucky knows this, Steve is more diligent in following the news that learning how to do the Lindy Hop. Bucky would know, he has tried every possible moment.

The murmurs are low, the atmosphere suddenly heavy.

“Well, my Ma always says ‘nothing comes good from leap years…” Bucky looks at Jimmy shaking his head looking serious.

“Do you think….” Danny asks looking around, pointing to the ground, everyone knows what he is trying to say.

“Don’t say that!’ Johnny exclaims looking around as if someone is listening in.

Bucky takes a bite out of his sandwich and it feels heavy. God, he really hopes someone isn’t’ listening.

(I did some research on leap years and 1940 was a leap year, it was also the year rations were introduced in the UK.)


	61. Allude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post Endgame

All the lovely banners were made by kocuria, find her on [Tumblr!](https://kocuria.tumblr.com)  
You can find me as well at [Tumblr!](https://acrushedrosestillwins.tumblr.com/)  


* * *

* * *

1 March Allude

Post Endgame

I can feel their eyes on me, concealed lasers behind blue, green and brown orbs. Their soft whispers screaming in the silence of my footsteps down the corridor. Sam is walking next to me, his back straight, and his face withdrawn in tight lines. He has my back, I know he does. He said so, and I believe him.

Today is a very important day, a stressful day and we both need to be on our utmost vigilant best.

It is all good and well that Steve gave him the shield, but it is clear that the government does not share that specific sentiment. Not to even mention why they don't like the idea of me joining what is rest of the Avengers. Right now they barely tolerate me at Sam's side.

He is back at their home, his and hers...he said he will join the meeting but so far he hasn't shown up. Yet. 

I doubt he will. 

Guess a life behind 5 seconds didn't make him think further than that. 

Fury is going to be there too and I feel anxious about seeing him again, the last time I saw him I put a few bullets through him.

"Barnes."

"I'm okay." I whisper back as we enter the small reception area, behind those big doors is they. Them or the power that be.

We received the summons with a brief overview of what to expect.

_We allude to a few key points, the rest will be discussed in detail at the meeting on...._

I stopped reading after that, I knew Sam would fill me in. He did. Besides I can only imagine what those key points would be.

And here we are.

"You ready?"

"Yeah. You?“ I lie.

"Yes." Sam lies back to me.

We share a look before looking back to the door, Steve still haven't shown up. I think he won't, he is done with this, been done with this for years, no reason to get involved on his old day.

"I have your back Sam." I say, as much as we bicker, he needs to know, and trust me when I say I will be there for him. He smiles at me.

"I have yours." I believe him.

Taking a breath we open the doors.


	62. Gin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre-Serum Steve  
> young Bucky

2 March Gin

The music is loud and people are dancing as if they have no worries. Groups of people is standing around the place, talking and laughing. Bucky loves it, he could feel the adrenaline sizzling underneath his skin. His blood guzzling from vein to vein, ready for a good night.

"Wow, when you said there is going to be a lot of people here, you weren't kidding." Bucky turns to look at Steve, with a huge smile.

"It's great hey, I bet we will find loads of people to dance with." Bucky replies and leads them over to a small table and chairs in one corner.

"You maybe." Steve answers begrudgingly.

Bucky frowns at Steve.

"Don't say that, you can dance too, I bet somewhere in this group of people there is a dame waiting to dance with you."

Steve just rolls his eyes.

"Yeah Buck, whatever you say."

"Come on Stevie, lighten up, I will go and get us some drinks, beer or that new gin cocktail they advertised?"

"A beer please."

Patting Steve on his back he makes his way over to the bar, his feet itching to dance. Something catches his eye and he frowns before his face turns angry. Without ordering he rushes back to Steve.

"Come on, we need to go."

"What's wrong?" Steve asks with worry, standing up.

"Bcca is here, with that Mckinney guy."

"The one who makes out with girls and tells everyone at school what they did?"

Bucky clench his fist.

"Same one. Telling you Steve, he will not try anything with my sister, I'm going to show him."

"Okay...just calm down, let's go."

Bucky nods and makes his way out again, not even checking to see if Steve's following. That bastard must keep his hands of his little sister...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did some research about Gin, and it really took of in the 20's and 30's. It mellowed out after the Wars but it was popular in that time..( speaking of which, I just made made a gin and tonic cheesecake :) )


	63. Elope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre war Bucky at basic

3 March Elope

Bucky was packing up his few belongings along with the others. He was happy to be going home to Brooklyn. To the small flat he and Steve shared, to Steve's feeble attempts at cooking. His folks insisting they have Sunday dinner at their place. Becca's teasing. His home, his family.

He also knows everything is going to be different know, that when he goes home tomorrow, it will be on borrowed time. Sooner or later he will be called to ship out.

He is a soldier now, a man. No longer a boy working on the docks trying to earn a living for himself and for Steve.

"Do you have a dame waiting for you Barnes?" Bucky stops packing and looks at the man sitting on the bed, his back resting against the wall. Jerry Williams, from New Jersey. He hasn't packed at all.

"No, no one steady."

"That's a shame man, I have, little Lorena Watson, a real spitfire. We're where going to elope when I got the draft letter. Was real proud of her man, being a soldier and all, said she'll wait for me."

"That is really good Jerry, I'm happy for you."

"Thanks."

Before anyone else can say something the Drill Sargent came in.

"Barnes, the LT wants to see you."

Bucky looks to the others, as silence falls on the group.

"Yes sir." Bucky answers and dropping his shirt he follows the Sergeant out towards the office.

Once inside Bucky stands at attention.

The Lieutenant smiles.

"At ease."

"Thank you sir."

"Barnes, you have shown exceptional skills out there, and great potential. I hereby want to congratulate you to the rank of Sergeant."

Bucky's mouth falls open.

"Thank you Sir." He replies with shock and wonder.

The Lieutenant smiles warmly and hands him his first stripe and paper.

"I know you're going to be a great asset for this army."

Bucky is too stunned too reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LT is short for lieutenant
> 
> I think Bucky was quite surprise when he was promoted to Sergeant, not to mention sharpshooting.


	64. Screentime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 Bucky
> 
> (I tried something new again)

4 March Screen Time

_Dear Becca._

_How's things that side of the ocean? Are you still studying like you promised, remember the Barnes name is on your shoulders. A good place if you ask me. You are one of the best in the house._

_Things this side is, well.... you know....no...I don't think you do. Not really. The thing is, I can't tell you. They sensor our letters. Today was a quiet day. When I say quiet I actually mean good. We didn't go out to the front lines, or any lines. We were ordered to stay on base. The news crew was here, and they did a film about us Howling Commandos. They are going out with us tomorrow too, I hope we all come back in one piece. And alive. I mean we can be in one piece and still be de..well you know._

_Anyway. Steve really aren't as camera shy as he used to be. I guess all those months being on tour and signing posters made him use to people. Sis, you have to see it, you will laugh just like I did. He would get so flustered when the reporters ask their questions and he has to answer, but answer in such a way that it is still viewer friendly._

_They had small interviews with all of us, we each had to wait our turn for some screen time. They did a take where I was with Steve, and we both couldn't stop laughing. DumDum, kept muttering jokes to keep the atmosphere light. The Colonel said that we must be happy and put on a happy face, so he made sure we were smiling. Denier would egg him on, throwing little sarcastic comments whenever he could._

_God, sis. I want to come home, don't tell Steve I said that okay. Pinkie promise._

_I could have come home some time ago, but I couldn't leave Steve all alone here now could I? I couldn't leave him in some alley getting his ass kicked two ways to Sunday, so how can I leave him in this place? Even if he actually is one of the few that wants to be here._

_Sis..._

_I'm scared. You're the only one who I can tell, to keep it safe. You know all my secrets; you always keep them safe. So, I will tell you this one too._

_I'm so scared, I can feel myself changing, turning into a man I never wanted to be. I'm good at my job sis, too good, and they all know it. They are proud of it. They pat me on my back, but inside it is changing me. I didn't want this, I never did, how ironic I'm good at it too?_

_I miss you. I miss home._

_Please take._

_Love_

_Bucky._


	65. First Dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2

5 March first dance

The men were loud as they walked back to base. Bucky is holding his rifle close, his hands resting on it, his fingers softly rubbing his trusted Johnson rifle. Familiar with the piece. He is walking with a slight strut.

The mission was a huge success. They even were ahead of schedule and will be back at camp almost twelve hours before the original estimate.

The rest of the Howlies are happy, laughing and cracking jokes as they walk. Steve would laugh with them. He even made jokes with them. Bucky is relaxed, he knew exactly how good Steve's hearing is, so the fact that he jokes along means they are quite safe.

Bucky walks to the side, a few steps away from the rest of them. It's not on purpose, it is just he is use to it. As the marksman of the group, the one separate from them to protect them, he has taken to walk a few steps away. His thoughts drifting away anyhow, from the mission, to his family, to the small family he has now.

"Hey Sarge, what do you reckon?" Bucky turns to the others who was waiting for his answer.

A quick look at Steve tells him he is waiting for his answer as well.

"Sorry what?"

"We're talking about going out tonight, the club, maybe getting a drink or two. What do you think?" Morita asks. Bucky puts on his widest smile.

"Sounds like a plan, as long as they have great music." He no longer really cares about the music, but the drinking sounds wonderful.

"Ah, don't worry Sarge, I'll grant you the first dance if the dames won't." DumDum jokes causing an uproar of laughter.

Bucky stops, trying to look as he was in deep thought. He need to have a snarky and witty comeback. It is not as if he can admit that he isn't interested in dancing. Just drinking, and maybe he can drink himself drunk for a change. He puts on a huge smile an and his hand on his heart in a dramatic gesture. 

"What if I have my heart set on Falsworth, besides I know he is quick with his feet."


	66. Unicorns are real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve in Wakanda Pre Infinity War

6 March unicorns are real

The sun is shining from high in the sky, the heat heavy. Bucky and Steve are hiking through the thick trees occasionally wiping their foreheads.

"You know Buck, remind me not to say anything about how right T’Challa was about the hike." Steve utters as he takes another sip of water. Bucky smiles and takes out his own bottle.

"You mean when he said we should go early and rest during the four hot hours?"

The four hot hours being 11 am till 3pm. That is when it is the warmest in Wakanda.

"Yeah... That."

"We're almost there. We can rest then, have some food." Bucky offers, the trek is doing him good, managing perfectly with one arm. The spring lake is one of Wakanda's secrets, and these two Brooklyn boys have been blessed to visit it. It's a long trek, and the wildlife is spectacular. Bucky insisted on Steve taking as many pictures as possible.

Steve opens his mouth to say something when they both heard a rustle some distance away.

"It sounds big." Steve offers, smiling.

Bucky puts his bottle away and place the backpack over his shoulder.

"We are fast, get your camera ready."

Feeling the anticipation of seeing another piece of wildlife they made their way to the sound. They went a bit off the trail through the trees when they saw it.

"Oh wow." Steve breathes out, his eyes loved on the animal.

"Magnificent!" Bucky exclaim with awe and cause the animal to look in their direction.

His mouth slowly moving as it is eating some small shrub, the green leaves softly rustling.

"I've never seen such a huge rhino before." Bucky whispers.

"I don't think I've ever seen one live." Steve adds. Bucky shrugs, he didn't either.

"It's so beautiful."

Bucky watches as Steve takes a couple of pictures, before the rhino decides he had enough and starts to walk in the opposite direction.

"You know, Shuri and I speculate the other day.....what if unicorns are real, but they are overweight now and walk around as rhino's?"

"What?" Steve asks with a frown. Bucky shrugs and smile.

"We had a bit too much sugar in, so I don't think there's any truth to it."

"How much sugar did you take to get there?" Steve inquired still confused but also interested.

Bucky smiles.

"It was a bit of an experiment."

Laughing softly Steve shakes his head.

"You and Shuri..."


	67. Tuck Shop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre WW2, Bucky on his way to the war.

7 March tuck shop

The ship stopped in the harbour at sunrise. Bucky was one of the first to step foot onto the new country. A new land filled with war and death and mud. He looks back over the ocean, it is quiet and yet it yells at Bucky. His home is on the other side of the sea.

His eyes catch the trains, they need to get on those within the hour. That would take him to the camp where he is supposed to be a sergeant to a group of strangers. To fight for a war, he never signed up for.

With his bag over his shoulder, and cigarettes in his pocket he starts to follow the men towards the station.

He is hungry, so makes sure he looks around him as they walk. The smell hits him first and he walks towards the small tuck shop without a second. A few of the other men following him. Guess he is already a leader.

"Hey, can I have one of those bread buns?"

"Sure laddie, welcome to the good old Queen's Country."

"Thanks." He didn't feel very welcome but stays quiet. He pays for his food and then makes his way back to assembly point. The bun is still warm, it is not much, but it will do. He saw his rations, he has it with him, and right now, this bun is heaven.

He can hear seagulls in the distance and misses his time on the docks with a fierce heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I googled Tuck shops and found that Europe had quite a lot, they are here in my part too. Not so sure about other parts of the world


	68. Russell Hobbs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky alone in Wakanda

8 March Russell Hobbs. 

The whistling is loud in the small hut and Bucky takes a deep breath and stretches out on the bed. 

"Coming coming." He mutters as he climbs out of the bed and makes his way to the counter. Switching the machine off he removes the glass jug and fills his mug with the brown liquid. This Russell Hobbs percolator was a gift from T'Challa, one Bucky is ever grateful for. The coffee is magnificent. 

Taking a sip, his face twisted in a grimace. 

"Too strong...". He mumbled and turn to the fridge. Taking out some milk he pours a generous shot into the mug, and then adds some sugar as well. 

Stirring it all together he takes another sip. 

"Perfect." 

With the mug he walks to the door of the hut and walked out. The sun is just rising above the horizon, the birds still chirping loudly in the trees. The wind is soft, a slight breeze playing with the hair around his neck. 

Sitting down on the ground he rest his back against the wall of the hut, his legs outstretched in front of him. 

The day is still waking up the chores waiting, but right now, right in this moment, Bucky savor the time. He is safe, he is free and he is ready to work in the fields, feeding the animals and spending time in nature. 

He close his eyes as the wind breezes past him, the smell of coffee lulling him into calmness, the sun warm on his skin.


	69. Cannon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 after Azzano

9 March cannon

It was the second night after the infantry made it back to the base after Steve rescued them. Most of the men have are back in the barracks, happy to be back. Looking at the shitty showers and rationed food with renewed interest. Most of them have been writing back home with a ferocity that made the other men walk wide circles around.

Bucky has written his late last night.

Steve made sure he was checked over by the nurses and only ease of when he received the all clear. Just a bit of 'malnutrition' and 'dehydration'. The bruises on his face will fade. Bucky didn't mention the other bruises, knowing to keep his mouth shut.

Bucky can hear laughter where he is standing, hiding behind one of the big cannons. He crouches down and look toward the sound, it's the night watch, several yards away, he isn't supposed to hear them.

Another sound causes him to turn around and he softly runs to it. Behind several trees and it is dark, but he has no problem seeing the person walking towards him.

"Myron."

"Bucky?"

"Yeah, come on, follow me." Taking Myron's hand Bucky leads him to a clearing, filled with moonlight. Myron pulls Bucky close and clashes his mouth against Bucky's. 

Bucky pushes Myron against a tree, pressing his knee between his legs to get closer.

When they come up for air, Bucky rests his forehead against Myron's.

"Was very surprised to get your request to meet me My..."

"I've been thinking about you since I saw you walking out that factory with your rifle. I was so scared for you."

Bucky's breath hitches.

"I was scared too." He softly admits for the first time.

Myron runs his hands up and down Bucky's arms. Bucky responds by kissing him again.

"I'm taking the paper Bucky." Myron's voice is soft and out of breath when they stop kissing. Bucky sighs.

"I thought you would."

"You can too, you know. We can go home. The war can be over for us."

"Then what?"

"We can go travel the country, or find a nice isolated place to stay, see where we go."

"Two men..."

"That's why I said isolated, or maybe even back to New York, get a house, two war veterans....we can make it work."

"Myron...."

"Don't talk, forget about it. Let's just take the moment here for what it is."

Bucky looks into the dark eyes, even in the moonlight it is so full of emotion. He is not going home, he knows it. It sounds idyllic, but the truth is, he is going to throw his lot in with Steve. He doesn't even fight it anymore.

"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea."


	70. Emoji of choice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Four weeks after the helicarrier fight

10 March emoji of choice

Bucky watches the instructor with keen eyes, hiding behind his book. He has no idea whose book it was, it was dropped off in the lost and found box. He needed to use the internet, but he can't be seen or talk to anyone. It's been four weeks since he is on his own. Four weeks since he fought that man on the helicarriers. His arm is nearly healed. None of his handlers has come for him, and he doesn't want to go back to his old life. The man - Steve - said he had a name, a full life. So he needs to know.

And the internet is the source of knowledge.

Still, he isn't exactly sure how to use it, and that brought him here to an internet Cafe. Sitting in the corner, with a book and a cup of coffee no one bothers him, and he can watch everyone with minimal effort.

The guy helping everyone is smart, and he has a lot of patience.

The old woman is trying to write a letter to her granddaughter on some social media site.

Bucky feels a pull at that, a need to help her, to protect her. She is vulnerable.

But the man is kind.

"So you write in this column, and if you click on this button here, with the face on. You can even add an emoji of choice, anyone you'd like."

"Oh, that's so kind dear, thank you."

"Your welcome, call me when you get are done and I will help you send it."

Bucky stop listening to that conversation and focus on another one to his right. A young man was talking on his phone to a friend, telling him about all the info dump off Hydra and Shield.

He needs to either, a, break in or b, steal a laptop because this is going to take a while. More time than he would like to spend in an open space like this.

He does not want to steal or break in, but the other option....the bank.... There was tons of computers... But Pearce is dead....

Putting the book down he got up and walked out. 

He has plans to make, if he has a life and a name like Steve said, and the nightmares are real, the memories....


	71. a liar and a thief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame
> 
> (I love love having a go at Steve, the dipshit.)

11 March a liar and a thief 

I can't...I keep my hands tight in my jacket, if I take it out, I may just beat an old man into a coma. Steve is still sitting there on the bench overlooking the lake. How hypocritical.   
He looks so at ease, so happy. Like those old people we use to laugh at as children. Those that would sit on a park bench, looking at the people as if they had the world's secrets in their hands, and would just smile and wave at the 'younger generation'.   
Bruce is still surprised at what he is seeing but has recovered enough to pack up. Sam is still in some mental state of awe and wonder as he is holding the shield and would occasionally caress it.   
Me... I am still standing where I am from this morning, where I watched Steve returning the stones and going back to her.   
The more I am standing here, the more I am hit with the facts of what Steve actually did.   
This morning it sounded great, magnificent and out of this world.   
Now...   
He did so much more than just going back. I did my research, Peggy married a man, a Daniel Sousa and had a long and happy life with him, they had kids...had.  
Not anymore.   
Now she had it with Steve, so where did Daniel and those kids go?   
Where is that line of generations?   
He erased it.   
That's what he did.   
I think today I am going to punch an old man.   
I waited both Bruce and Sam were close before I stepped closer. I need witnesses, or I need them to keep me from killing him.   
"Buck, you've been quiet."  
Fuck you asshole.   
Sam and Bruce frown as they watch me. Steve's smile is faltering.   
I don't care.   
"You Steven Grant Rogers, is a liar and a thief."  
"Buck."  
"You are a selfish bastard, an egocentric and self-centred son of a bitch. Sorry Sarah. I don't care who died and made you god, maybe the hammer, I don't care, but you erased generations of people to replace it with yours. Was Sousa not good enough? Did it had to be serum enhanced Rogers?"  
Steve was so pale, his eyes wide as he stared at me. Sam and Bruce were looking at me sharply.   
"What do you mean?"  
Bruce asked. I answered.   
"Peggy married Daniel Sousa and had children with him, grandchildren. This fuck went back and made sure that lineage never happened, God forbid someone has a life that isn't centred around him."  
Sam and Bruce turns to Steve shocked.   
"Buck..."  
"I never ever want to see you again, I don't want to hear from you, I don't want to be on the same fucking continent as you." I nearly spat the words out before I turned around and walked away. That night I was on a plane heading to a different country. Not looking back once.   
I don't know how long he has left, I just know that the Steve I knew died years ago, that man, back there is not the man I used to know.


	72. Greenage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky on the two years pre Civil War.

12 March greenage

Bucky walks between the aisles, it was a chain grocer, a small one in one of the small towns in South Africa. The sun was beaming down with a harsh glare. The northern part is having a heat wave. Instead of the usual 35 degrees it's a sweltering 43, and it isn't even noon yet.

The arm is uncomfortable, heavy and the long sleeve hoody does not really fit. But it is okay, he just needs to buy a few things then can go back to the small bed and breakfast he is staying. It is in the country, or bushveld, and it is so quiet. He loves it.

He looks around to see he is in the desert aisle, with all the jelly mixes. The shop is having a special, 5 for the price of 3. The instructions are easy, one cup boiling water, one cup cold water, and refrigerate.

He is going to try it, it's a cold desert and he is hot.

"Five packets....strawberry, mango, cherry, greenage, pineapple...." Bucky mumbles as he put the small boxes in his trolley. A couple steps down he finds the instant custard. 

"Vanilla with a hint of cinnamon, toffee crumble, chocolate....vanilla light..." He reads and looking around, he shrugs, smiles softly and picks up one of each. It's a heat wave. 

He also picks up a couple of cans of canned fruit before going to the next aisle.

It is eight in the evening, just below 28 degrees and Bucky is sitting outside in the garden. The birds are chirping loudly, an owl is some distance away. He is alone, holding a small medium size plastic container in his hand, filled with jelly and canned fruit topped with velvet yellow custard.

His legs is outstretched in front of him and he sighs contently as he takes another bite.

"Sweet."

AN: I am not sure about the rest of the world, but we have a greenage jelly, one of our favourites. As I googled trying to find ideas, I found out it is a type of plum, I never knew that. Then I tried with him trying to find fruit like that, but then again…jelly…pudding….


	73. Bland

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 After Azzano

13 march bland

Most of the men in the bar has left. Most of the Howlies are still present, but more subdued, quiet and speaking softly. Jones is very close to passing out in the corner. Steve and Bucky are the most, sober, so to speak. Steve because he can’t get drunk, and Bucky…

Everyone thinks he does not drink so much anymore, nursing his glasses for longer, but Bucky knows. He doesn’t, he tries to get drunk, but can’t.

He tells no one.

Bucky looks towards the clock in the far corner, it is almost midnight, the bar closes at midnight. Any moment Steve is going to call it a night and go sleep or call it a night but is meeting Agent Carter somewhere.

Bucky knows he is not going to sleep tonight. He has other plans.

“Okay, that’s me out, I’m going to get Jones back to his quarters, want to come with?”

Bucky looks at Steve.

“No, I think I’m going to have one last one, make sure these guys get back safely.” Bucky answers with a smile, pointing to the others, it didn’t reach his eyes. If Steve paid attention, he would see it is fake, it is the one Bucky would use on the teachers. He didn’t.

“Okay, see you tomorrow, luckily we have the morning free right?”

“Yeah, it will be nice to sleep in a bit.”

With one last look Bucky watches Steve leave, picking Jones up as if he was a piece of paper. Once they left, the others followed in five minutes intervals. Bucky kept his position at the small table in the back, nursing another glass.

At midnight he slips out the bar and went down the street to the house everyone knows is for a bit of _'extracurricular activities'_. No one must know he is here, and he slips behind the house to the back door. Knocking softly the door opens.

“Sergeant.”

“Hi Missy, how are you?” Bucky greets as he goes in and follows Missy upstairs.

“Good you know, Betty was here, had to leave as she needs to leave early in the morning to meet her fiancé. She’s such a mess about marrying some man. How bland some lives are.”

Bucky grimaces.

“I know, maybe one day we can be with who we want to be in public hey.”

Missy snorts.

“Yeah, someday. When hell freezes over, until then I just have to have her in secret, the best friend.” Missy replies with bitterness. Bucky can feel an ache inside. Yeah, he knows how that feels.

Missy gives him a smile.

“Anyway your boy is here.”

“He’s not my boy.”

“Tonight, he is whoever you want him to be.” Missy answers before walking away.

Bucky watches her leave before he opens the door and goes inside and locks the door behind him. Turning around he looks at the young man on the bed, blonde, same height as Bucky, slim build and wearing glasses.

“David.”

“Hey, been a while.”

“Yeah, I was uhmmm. Well, no need to go into that tonight.” He doesn’t want to talk about his captivity.

“No, let’s get into something else.”

Bucky snorts at that but starts to undress.

“That was lame David.”

“What are you going to do about it?”

Bucky smiles broadly.


	74. Dictionary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kiddy fic

14 March Dictionary

Bucky wince as he bends down to pick up the books, Steve was next to him, trying to keep his head up so the blood doesn't drip too much on his clothes.

"ib hab tabh..."

"On the ropes, yeah I know Steve." Bucky finish for him.

Bucky looks at the books before putting it back in the Steve's school bag.

"They look fine, some pages are ripped your dictionary took the biggest hit. Jimmy did say he was going to hit you with it, since you used big words." Turning around he gives Steve a smile who returns it, with a wince.

"Wahnt so bihg wohds."

"True but Jimmy is a bit slow in the brains, has it stopped bleeding?"

"Thinsh so." Steve pulls the piece of cloth away and allows Bucky to inspect the damage.

"Ah shit Stevie, it looks okay but this bit here is a bit crooked now." Bucky points to a part on top of Steve's nose, who in response just shrugged.

"Woth ith. You onah?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, he just got a lucky shot in on my ribs. I'll be fine."

"Sobby Buch."

"Nah, it's all good, can't leave you alone for a second though, Come on let's home."


	75. Barbie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pre Civil War.
> 
> Please note, this may be a bit hard on some. It deals with the holocaust.

15 March Barbie

Bucky stares at the at camp before him, a world heritage site now, he doesn't remember it like that. He remembers the whispers of places like these, places that was worse than any nightmare they could think of. Even worse than the horror stories around a campfire because most of those were made up, legends and myths but this....

This was real.

Is real.

And it is absolutely horrifying.

Bucky clenches his fists inside the hoody as he looks around. There were quite a lot of people. The older generation was sombre, sharing glances with others, and sharing some memory. A few try to smile, not in joy, but a feeble attempt to offer some understanding, some comfort.

The middle ages would walk around, looking around, telling their kids about what that place meant. Their memories were covered in a layer of 'we missed this, but our parents didn't'. They would stare in pensiveness, trying to imagine what their parents went through but coming up short. They would look back at the children and egg them off to go to the next part, or to leave all together, offering snacks and ice cream.

The young ones, they knew the seriousness of the place, but it isn't holding that same power over them, like their parents and grandparents. They still smile and it reaches their eyes, they still play on their phones and take photos.

A small toddler runs past him, and fell, scraping her knees, her doll falling out of her hand and tumbles to his feet.

"My Barbie!" She cries out and Bucky grouch down and picks it up before handing it back to her, with a soft smile.

"Here you go miss."

"Thank you sir." The girl's mom answers as the girl is too busy hugging her doll.

"You're welcome."

Looking back at the place the smile fell from his face.

"It's quite eery isn't it? Being here, knowing what happened?"

Bucky nods.

"Yes. It is horrible."

"I keep feeling as if we're not alone, and people keep telling to stop with the ghost stories, but it isn't about that. It's not as if I'm trying to scare them off."

"No, you're right. You can feel it, even the air feels different. It is a part of history we wish we could erase."

"Absolutely."

The little girl pulls on her mom's shirt.

"Mamma, can we go now?"

"Yes, let's go get some hot chocolate."

"Yeah..."

The woman smiles at Bucky.

"I have to go. Thank you again, and take care."

"I will. Have a good day ma'am."

Bucky watches as they leave the doll swinging from side to side in the little girl's hand. Bucky looks back to the buildings.

It's time to leave.


	76. The cult

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre CA, First Avenger

16 March the cult

Bucky is hiding behind some old crates and boxes down the alley. He has been sitting there for nearly an hour now and is still too scared to go approach the group.

It was late, almost nine and the streets were already mostly dark. He should get home, Steve will be wondering where he is, Bucky knows he can make an excuse, some girl or something.

Steve will believe him.

He hates lying to him though, but this isn't something he can find out, ever.

Bucky is so deep in thought that he doesn't realize that the group noticed him and has walked over to him.

"What do you want, young man?"

Bucky is startled and nearly trips over a trashcan. The lid is bend, probably Steve....he usually go for trashcan lids in the alleys.

"I'm talking to you. What do you want?"

"Help." Bucky spits out in haste before his eyes grew wide and filled with fear. 

One of the men, the smaller one steps closer.

"Oh my, you're one of us, aren't you my dear?"

"One of....what do you mean." Bucky tries but the other men saw it too, and they stepped back giving him space.

"Oh my dear young man. You look absolutely terrified."

"I'm not.. I...."

"It's okay. It's not like we are some ancient cult or something, we are just human, like you, with likes, we aren't supposed to have."

The others nods, one rolls his eyes.

"Imagine, the cult... We should put it in a show." Bucky's mouth smiles quickly before he could stop it.

The man in front holds out his hand.

"Come on, let's go inside, you look like you can use a drink, it's on me. Come on." Bucky looks around before taking the few steps into the pub.

Inside the music was loud, men were dancing with men, women with women, a few men were dressed up in skirts. Bucky couldn't help but stare.

"Oi, Dali, who's this?"

Dali that has been speaking to Bucky turns back.

"I don't believe I caught your name, you can use your own, or make one up, your choice."

"It's...Bucky, Bucky Barnes."

Dali smiles broadly.

"Well Bucky Barnes, welcome to the dark side of Brooklyn."

"We have more fun anyhow!" A young man from the other side yells and everyone burst out laughing.

Bucky nervously smiles back.

Dali points to an open space.

"Come on, tell us how we can help you."


	77. Hair tie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovering in Wakanda

17 March Hair tie

Outside the small brown hut, Bucky can hear the kids playing in the distance. He can hear the water of the lake disturbed, by animals and people alike. Bucky, however, is sitting on his bed, the strong but soft mattress underneath him comfortable. 

A small vanity case mirror is balancing on a wooden stool in front of the bed.

Bucky is staring at his reflection with his hair brush. He is practicing doing his hair with only one arm.

So far it is....well....not good, by its not bad either. The brushing is fine, he enjoys doing that. It calms him. Picking up the brush he starts again, doing a side part instead of a middle part.

As he brushes, the scene in front of the mirror changes and instead of seeing himself, he sees himself standing. His hair is short, he was wearing dark brown khaki pants. A big shirt still hanging loose, suspenders hanging sideways.

_"Why do we have to go to the funeral?" Becca looks up to her brother who rolls his eyes as he brushes his sister's hair into two parts._

_"Cause it was Ma's friend Bec."_

_"But we didn't know her." The sigh is more like a whine._

_"It's about respect Bec, for her and Ma, and to support her, now hand me the hair tie please?"_

_Becca watches as Bucky ties her hair into two pony._

_"What color ribbon do you want, the pink or the white?"_

_"Can you do both at the same time, then it will look big and fluffy?"_

_"Yea sure." Bucky answers and picks up the four ribbons, splitting them two two._

_"Is Steve going to be there?"_

_"No, do you want him to be?"_

_"Doesn't matter, you like him to be there with you, you always do. Is he sick again?" Becca asks with a frown that turns into a smile as Bucky finishes with one ponytail before moving on to the next one. He fingers toying with the ribbon._

_"No, he is making some posters for Mr, Sabatino at the pharmacy."_

_"Can we go there after the funeral?"_

_"I'm sure we can."_

_"Good, he always draw funny pictures for me."_

_"Yeah, he's good like that. All done. Like it?"_

_"Yes, thank you Bucky."_

Bucky puts the brush down his eyes filled with unshed tears. It's the first real memory of his sister that came back so vividly. All the others were blurry and as if hiding in the fog.

Pushing the chair away he turns on the mattress picking up a notebook and starts to write it down. 

It's a fond memory and even though it makes him cry for everything he lost. It also makes him a little bit happy remembering something so beautiful.


	78. Foxtrot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> Another one of me being pissed at Steve

18 March foxtrot

Sam found Bucky on the porch of the cabin, still wearing the clothes he wore that afternoon at the funeral. The only difference now, is that his hair was tied into a bun on top of his head and he had a bag slung over his shoulder.

"You're leaving, without saying anything man?"

"I was going to send you a text in the morning. I uh... Left a note for Ms Stark too."

"And for..."

"No." The answer is short and blunt.

"Bucky." Sam started before taking a deep breath and glancing back to the living room behind him.

"Where are you going?"

"Don't know and don't really care at this moment. To be honest."

"Why now? Why at all?" Sam tried but he can see in the shining of the blue eyes in front of him that he will either get a very direct answer or none at all.

"There's nothing for me here anymore."

"Anymore?" Sam asks, anymore means that there was.

"No....I thought.... I hoped....reality is so much different from our expectations. You know, I didn't had much, expectations that is, but fuck, I surprised even myself."

"Stay the night, let's get some rest and tomorrow things may look different. We're tired, it has been a long day."

Bucky let out a bitter laugh.

"Tomorrow will be the same."

Sam stares at Bucky.

"You knew, didn't you?"

"Expected, he didn't confirm."

"So why...."

"Cause I thought.... I hoped... It was a different timeline, but it wasn't...." Bucky trails off trying to get the right words before his face curved into a snarl.

"Did you know he did nothing?" Sam is taken aback by the sudden increase in volume.

"Bucky...” He tried, glancing back to the house, the living room is just on the other side of the door.

"Nothing...he let me be tortured for 70 years, I knew it wouldn't make a difference to me now, but still...Nothing... Tell me, before you met him, what did the history books say about him? How did they write his character, his ideals, his values....?"

Sam swallow.

"As a man who fought for the underdog, who never stood by when there was injustice. That it was his life's mission to defend those who couldn't defend themselves. To stand up against the bullies, and the abusers."

Bucky swallows the lump.

"You know, his mom told me once, he was in another fight, that he had his first fight when he was four years old. Another kid pushed a girl for her toy...four years old, and he fought, and he fought... And he went back and did nothing. For seventy years. He watch the world burn, and instead of fighting he danced the fucking foxtrot with his wife. He sat back and did nothing as they broke me again and again, for years! I never told him this, but I always believed he would come for me, and they would read the newspaper to me, about his crash. They showed me pictures and I laughed at them, blood pooling under my feet and I would laugh, saying it's fake. They can't get Steve down. He is a fighter..." Sam watches as the tears stream down Bucky's face, his voice loud. He noticed a light went on, somewhere as the shadow on top of trees were lighter. Bucky didn't notice. He wiped his eyes and went on.

"They showed me his funeral on the television, on several as it was broadcast, they showed me her speech, they showed the Howlies, they showed Howard.... And then I knew... I screamed my lungs out and this time they laughed at me....he let me killed them. Howard and Maria, knowing what it would do to me, what it would do to Tony. He allowed Riley to be shot out the sky, plummeting to his death, like I did, and did nothing. I don't know who that son of a bitch in that house is, because it isn't Steve. Not the Steve I knew and grew up with, the one I followed into battle. That Steve was a brave man, a good man. That man in there is just a big coward like Hydra was, like Zola, like Zemo, like all of them. That man, is nothing to me!" Bucky stops and takes a few breaths while Sam stares. His eyes filled with tears for the man in front of him. On impulse he opens his arms and hugs Bucky who clutches at Sam.

When he let go, he looks at Sam.

"I will keep you posted about my comings and goings, but I have to leave."

Sam nods.

"Please. Don't lose touch and be careful all right?"

With one last look Bucky went down the steps and disappeared into the night. Sam watch him go before turning the door and went back inside. The hallway light was one, so was a few lamps in the living room and there in the middle stood Steve. Old and with shaking hands, tears running down his face. Sam looks towards the kitchen to see Wanda and Bruce. The stairs where Pepper is standing, also crying but her eyes burning with rage as she was looking at Steve's silhouette.

They heard it all. Everyone.


	79. Jungle book

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

19 March jungle book

After Bucky was woken up from the cryo and all the triggers has been successfully removed. Shuri took Bucky on a whole tour of Wakanda, showing him everything, meeting people and trying out different dishes.

The thing or the building that really made a tremendous impact on Bucky, was the library.

He stood in front of the building, walking slowly towards the front door that opens automatically for them. He couldn't stop the gasps, rows and rows of books. So much more than he remembered back in the day. This is was something else, and it was so colourful. The whole building was divided into sections and he could see the right wing was for children, as it is more colourful. Painted with characters he learned was Disney characters. He only remembered a select few.

Shuri understood the moment and didn't make any jokes, or laughed at him. She placed her hand on his shoulder and asked if he remembers the children books that he used to read.

He loved the science fiction and pulp fiction mostly but then he was quiet for a moment.

"I remember something about a kid, a boy...raised by animals.... There was a bear.... And wolves..."

"The jungle book, with Mowgli?"

"Yeah, someone like it, in my family I don't remember who exactly..."

"It's okay, there has been several versions of the book, even movies...you can explore to your heart's content."

Bucky smiled at that and ever since that day, he spent at least a couple hours of the week in the library, reading, catching up.

"Buck?" Bucky looks up from the book he has been reading to the voice.

"Over here." Bucky answers, still holding the book. Steve appeared at the end of the aisle and smile.

"Here you are."

"Sorry..."

"It's okay, what are you reading?"

Bucky holds up the book.

"Someone liked it.... I can't remember who. Do you?" Bucky asks softly, holding out the book. Steve nodded and sits down next to him.

"Your Ma did, it was the story her Ma read to her, and she would read it to you, and me, when I slept over, she even made the voices."

Bucky hugs the book close.

"Oh....you would laugh at her snake voice..." Bucky adds his face bright as he remembers.

"Yeah, I did. You're Ma was really good."

"Yes, she really was."


	80. Finding it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wakanda Recovery

20 March finding it

Bucky sits on the lab chair, playing with one of the pens on the table. Shuri is busy with running the last diagnostics on a prototype arm.

"I'm so glad you're okay with me doing this." Shuri says for the umpteenth time that day. Bucky smiles at her. She has been nagging him for quite a while now, and he knew at some point that he needs another arm. Sooner or later, he will have to fight or do something that requires both arms. He just knows it.

"Can't say no to you, now can I?" Bucky replies.

Shuri shrugs with a smug look pointing at him.

"No, you can't."

Bucky looks back at the arm on the table, it was vibrabium, black with gold streaks. It was beautiful, the plates smaller allowing for more movement. The fingers look more agile as well, and it looks so much easier to put on.

"Shuri..."

Shuri turns to him.

"Thank you. You do know I appreciate it."

"I do, now take of your shirt, let's try it on."

Shuri waits patiently as he removes the shirt, it's a bit difficult with only one arm, but he is getting the hang of it. Putting the shirt on the table he stands in front of her.

"Glad to see our sun is making a difference."

Bucky blushes slightly causing Shuri to laugh again. Picking up the arm, she turns to the socket in his shoulder.

"Okay, so I inserted specific designed magnets that connects to the sides of the socket, it provides extra comfort and stability. You basically just plug it in, the magnetics will align itself and then you should hear a soft swish noise as it locks."

They both listen as she locks the arm in place and the soft swish sounds of the hydraulics and magnets can be heard.

Bucky frowns.

"That's it?"

"That's it... Come on give it a try."

Bucky looks towards his fingers and slowly makes a fist and turns his wrist sideways.

"Whoah."

"So how are you finding it?"

Bucky's eyes match the shine in Shuri's.

"It's... Incredible. So light.... So silent, so easy to manoeuvre."

"And your shoulder, shoulder blades, your back?"

"No pressure... No pain... It's... Wow.... Thank you.... Again....."

"Your welcome. So want to wear it for a day, tell me if you want anything else from it, some upgrades....some tinkering..."

"Yeah... Okay... Just until tomorrow..."

"Till tomorrow..." Shuri repeats and Bucky looks to her, he hasn't stop looking at the arm or stop moving it. Shuri knows, he doesn’t really want another arm, who can blame him, but the way he looks at it, is a bit conflicted, in the end, his convictions stood.

"Have to... This..." Is great power, and he isn’t ready for it. She understands, she will put it back and save if for the day it is needed, or when he feels different.

"For emergencies." Bucky nods and sighs.

"Yes. For emergencies."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think, Shuri must have made prototypes for him to try on. There's no way, they just rock up one day with a fully functional arm. That's my opinion at least. I also think Bucky tried them but, but declined on wearing it.


	81. Cutter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wakanda Recovery

21 March cutter

Bucky walks along the small footpath next to the lake.

"You okay there?" Shuri asks as she walks up front, behind him is T'Challa.

"Yes, thank you." Bucky answers looking towards the lake. He was so preoccupied with the view that it wasn't until T'Challa reached for his arm to stop him that he looked around.

"Wha..." Bucky tried but then he saw T’Challa pointing to his sister. She stopped and turned around; her arms folded. If T’Challa didn't stop him, he would have walk into her.

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"It's fine, you really like the view, don't you?" Shuri asks and shared a look with her brother. Bucky didn't notice as his eyes went back to the lake.

"Yes. Very much. It's so.... Calm.... Peaceful..."

The two siblings share a smile and a nod.

"Then you will love the surprise we have for you." T'Challa replies and held out his arm towards something in the distance.

Shuri is half jumping where she stands, moving from heel to toe and back again.

"For me?"

"No, our other whiteboi, yes you. Come on." Shuri exclaims before grabbing Bucky's hand and leads him the last bit towards what he now can see as a hut.

They walk until they were in front of the hut before Shuri hands him a key. Or what looks like one, it is cut from wood, about as big as his hand with the end in the form of a 'B' and then welcome written in a neat font across it.

"As you can see it's not a real key, but I was bored and have a laser cutter in my lab... Plus I thought it would make a great dramatic impact as I hand it to you and say 'Welcome home'."

Bucky looks up from the key towards the hut.

"Home? Mine?" the siblings nod.

"You are welcome in Wakanda, part of us now. Here you can stay make it your own, at the palace you will still be welcome anytime with your own rooms, but this hut, is yours, all yours. Your home to do as you please, to live and to heal." T'Challa answers.

Bucky looks around the place, it was so quiet, so peaceful, and the view....he looks back at the hut and then down as his eyes fills with tears.

"Thank you."

"You are welcome."

"Yeah, come on. See what's inside!" Shuri exclaims and push Bucky ahead into the hut.


	82. 1987

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky as the Soldier.... Back in time 
> 
> This one was so difficult.... I knew I had to make it about the 'asset' not Bucky...  
> Especially when I Googled it, maybe a memory or something... And then I found out it's the year Reagan signed the treaty that led to the end of the Cold War and the Soviet reign.

22 March 1987

The room is cold, so cold but Bucky can't feel it. The Asset doesn't feel. He sits still on the chair that is designed for him. The gun in front of him, next to his handler. 

He is about to be send on a mission. He doesn't know who he will be ordered to kill next, but he doesn't care. He never does, he points and shoots, no questions asked and no answers to be given. 

He barely moves as the door opens and several agents and one of the colonels came in. 

"Is the Asset ready for his debriefing Melnikov?" 

"Yes sir."

Ivan Melnikov, the Asset's latest handler, is still young, experienced but still too idealistic for the cause. He will not last long. The Asset is sure of it, not to mention his secret meetings with the colonel's daughter. The colonel will not like that when he finds out. The previous man was killed by the Asset. 

"Good. Here's the file, he will be going with the Gorbachev Company to Washington to sign the I. N. F treaty. Protect the man, make sure all came back in one piece."

"Yes sir." Ivan answers. 

The Asset heard rumours of this treaty between Gorbachev and the president of the United States, Reagan. With this it will be the beginning of the end of the Cold War. The Asset doesn't care, the Asset will fulfil his mission. 

"Do you think this is a good idea Colonel. This treaty?"

"Personally no, it will set us back for a couple of years, but Hydra will prevail, she always has and always will. 1987 will the year we are setback, but not brought down. One day... We will rule, as we we're meant to. And this Asset, he will make sure it happens."

The Asset watch both men smile. The Asset doesn't move a muscle.


	83. Go forth and....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right after being rescued

23 March go forth and...

Bucky is sitting on some blown up debris from the factory that they were just rescued from. His hands are still shaking from the adrenaline, this is his second cigarette hanging out of his mouth. Everyone is running around and taking stock of the provisions they have and the weapons. Some are looking after the injured. Steve - Captain America - sorry, is giving out orders and taking charge of everything.

Bucky puts out the cigarette bud into the piece of junk next to him, his hands is still shaking.

Steve _made_ that jump.

Steve is _bigger_.

Steve is _stronger_

Steve is _healthy_

Steve is in the _army_

Steve is in the _war_

Steve is _fightin_ g

Steve....

Steve is not little Stevie anymore.

What does it mean for _him_?

What does it mean for their friendship?

What does it all mean?

The shield is a prop, the helmet too, Bucky can see it a mile away. He will be able to dent it with his fingers; he just knows it.

He also knows that he can't say anything, not here, not now. Right now, he must pretend everything is fine, until he and Steve can have a moment alone. Also, when he isn't so angry at everything and anything and everyone. His emotions are so over the place right now.

"Buck, you okay to carry a weapon?"

Bucky looks up to see Steve and Dumdum in front of him, Dumdum is holding a rifle, it is not his trusted one, but it will do.

"Sure. Give me."

With two wide smiles from two blondes he takes the rifle.

"We should get a move on." Steve says.

"Well go forth and lead us." Dumdum replies and Bucky smiles widely.

"Okay, let's get everyone together."

Bucky starts to walk before he sees something sticking out of Steve's Jacket.

"Hey, want to throw that broken radio away, it will only be excess luggage?"

Bucky will forever deny that the look in Steve's eyes made him scared. Terrified.

"No, it's fine. I don't mind. Let's go."

Bucky doesn't reply, he can't think of anything to say. He just wishes he understood what's going on and when he can go home.


	84. Don't you dare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid Bucky

24 March don't you dare

"James Buchanan Barnes."

Bucky stops in his tracks, the school bag falling down his small shoulders.

His big names, Ma used his big names, he is in so much trouble, and she is talking softly but stern. Slowly he turns around.

Yup, so much trouble. His mom is standing with her arms on her hips, her one foot tapping on the floor.

Bucky swallows

"Hi Ma."

"Go to your room, right now. We need to talk."

Bucky's eyes widen in surprise. He didn't expect that, but he gave a nod and starts to climb the stairs to his room, his mom following behind.

Once inside Bucky sits on the bed waiting for whatever is about to happen.

His mom came in and close the door behind her.

"Bucky...I need you to know that I love you, nothing will ever change that. Nothing."

Bucky nods.

"I was cleaning your room and found a picture, something you draw...."

Bucky's eyes filled with tears. He knows what she is talking about.

"I'm sorry Ma!"

She grabs him by his shoulders.

"Don't you dare apologize for what you feel, never James. Your feelings are valid." Bucky stops crying but the breaths were still shallow.

"Ma don't hate me for feeling like that..."

"James, we can't help who we fall in love with. The reason we need to talk is that you need to be more careful in the future about your emotions, and where you hide your secrets. If your father found this..."

"I know, Ma, I don't know what to do?"

"I'm sorry James, I don't have the answers for you. However I do know you are one of the smartest boys I know, and I have full confidence in you that you will get through this."

"I'm with him every day Ma."

"Then right now, you love him every day but hide it, hide it so deep, maybe one day...."

"Ma think so?"

"I pray so, my dear boy, come here."

Bucky nearly pushes his mom over the edge as he hugs her close. She wraps her arms around him and caress his hair.

"Stay strong my boy. Keep believing."

Bucky just hugs her closer, the picture in his hand. Two boys holding hands and a heart with _B loves S._


	85. State your name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before CA 1st avenger

25 March State your name

Bucky walks towards the offices, his feet heavy, his heart beating fast and without rhythm. His whole body feels as if he is on fire or being a conductor for electricity.

The letter came a few days ago, his name over the radio that evening.

Drafted.

He needs to quit his job at the docks and become a soldier.

He doesn't want to.

Steve wants to, but he isn't drafted.

He is trying to sign up willingly.

Around him, there were others, one more scared than the other. The atmosphere is somber. No is laughing or joking around. They all have a twitch in their hands and fingers. Probably wishing for a cigarette, or a way out of here.

"Next!"

The yell came and the boy, no man, in front of Bucky enters the office with his letter. Bucky can't find it in himself to sit down on one of the chairs. He looks around to see a young man, in the corner trying to wipe his eyes and hoping no one would see. Bucky looks away.

His entire life is about to change. He will go to basic training, they will give him a uniform and then a weapon. They will expect him to go to a country he has never been to and kill people he has never met before.

Strangers.

Strangers killing strangers.

For the greater good.

That's what they are being told.

"Next!"

Bucky swallows and open the door.

Two officers are sitting in front of him, and one is standing at the door towards his left. Where the men go in and come out as soldiers.

"State your name?"

"Barnes James Buchanan. Sir.” He answers and watch as they make a tick next to his name. He has a feeling that he is more than just _stating_ his name, somehow he is making his name _state owned_. He has a vague suspicion, he is signing his life away, his free life. 

He showed up, he wonders how many didn't.

He wonders how many of those names will get to live through the war.


	86. Mortified

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two years in hiding before Civil War

26 March mortified

Bucky slowly made his way through the crowds to someplace that was quiet. He is in Berlin and knows of an old Hydra hide out. He needs to destroy what's left of it and get some supplies as well. The pockets of cash will also be handy. He has opened up a savings account offshore and stores all the money in there. Why, he doesn't know, maybe one day he can use it for something good. Now, he takes enough to survive paper trail free and stores the rest.

This crowd, however isn't something he bargained for. It was some music festival that he can make out, although he isn't really used to music like this. Or the people.

He has never seen so many colours together, and in such a blend, not to mention some people's hair. It was rainbow coloured or spike up nearly a foot in the air.

Bucky was to one side, and the crowd was heavy, he can't even imagine how it was deeper to where the music is coming from. Noticing a gap in an alleyway he jumps for the chance before starting to climb up to the roof of the building. He can travel much faster like this.

Once at the roof he looks down to the cacophony of colours and sounds. He can't help the smile that spreads across his face. It is a remarkable sight. He also knows that if his mother or anyone back in his time were to see it, they would be mortified. It was unheard of.

Bucky stares for a couple minutes, he knows he needs to get away. To get back at the safe house, but for now, he will just appreciate this, and have a small wish that one day, he might be so carefree.


	87. Stranger things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid Bucky

27 March stranger things 

Bucky is helping Steve and his mom out in their apartment's little rooftop garden. A few of the tenants on Steve's floor wants to start a little garden. The landlord gave his permission on the condition they look after it and not 'make a mess'. Sarah volunteered to help the Saturday morning before shift, with a few of the elderly ladies. Sarah, Steve and Bucky are sorting the little seeds they have gathered to be planted.   
"Do you think this will work ma'am?"   
"I hope so Bucky, this people can really do with some extra food." Sarah didn't have to say them included, it isn't necessarily. Bucky knows. He also doesn't say anything about it. Instead he agrees.  
"Me too, I have never planted something before that grew up, Ma says I should stick to those desert plants..."  
"Cactus." Sarah provides with a smile, Bucky nods.   
"Yeah, those, she says it's strange cause I'm swell with people..."  
"Yeah, just looked at me." Steve retorts and Sarah and Bucky shares a look.   
"Aah Steve, you wanna be my cactus?"   
"I'm not a plant jerk." Steve bits out, huffing and rolling his eyes at Bucky   
Bucky smiles broadly, his eyes shining with mischief.  
"You're certainly prickly enough for one." Sarah chokes back a laugh that came out as a cough.   
Bucky kept smiling as Steve stares him down.   
Bucky had all but two seconds to swerve out as a handful of soil aimed for his face.   
"Plant that your jerk." Steve replies and picks up another hand as Bucky stood still, his hands up in surrender.   
Sarah watches as they play instead of working but can't and won't say anything to them. Her son is a different child since Bucky entered their lives.   
"Ma?" Sarah turns to Steve who was looking at her with some soil streaks across his cheek, Bucky had more on his. These two...   
"Yes?"  
"Bucky says that even though that building they are building over will be the highest ever, one day there will be even higher buildings that reach to the clouds. Do you think so?"   
Sarah looks at the building under construction.   
"I don't know Steve, but I bet there if it possible, we will find a way to do it. I bet there’s stranger things like that in those books you and Bucky reads.  
Bucky nods and walks closer.   
"Oh yes! There's aliens and different planets and huge flying machines..."  
"That sounds like quite a world." Sarah answers and can't help but to think that the world she is living in now, with Steve and Bucky, and his parents that are so kind to them, is a better world.


	88. Abduction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame Sam & Bucky

28 March abduction

Bucky is sitting outside the house, on the wood railing, with his legs dangling of. He is holding a cup of steaming hot chocolate. It is still early in the morning, the sun just starting to make the shadows lighter and shorter.

The door opens and Bucky smiles as he listens to Sam as he walks out.

"Dude, you do realize you're way up before we're supposed to, right?"

Bucky laughs smiles softly as Sam leans against the pole next to him, holding his own cup of hot chocolate.

"I know, but it's a beautiful morning isn't?"

"Yes, it is. This hot chocolate is also very good, did you make it from scratch?"

"My mom's recipe, she would make it for us, when we couldn't sleep, Becca and I faked it on more than one occasion, just to get it." Sam snorts softly and shakes his head.

"Me and my sister too, my mom would make us this drink, malt chocolate with a tiny hint of nutmeg. We would beg for it."

The two men share a nostalgic smile as they drink their drinks. Sam took a breath.

"You didn't fake not being able to sleep, did you?"

Bucky looks down into his mug.

"No." He replies, shaking his head slightly.

"May I ask?"

"I think...not everything is completely back, you know, but most is. Last night when we were watching the news, about that child abduction it triggered something."

"About your abduction back in Italy?"

"No...I think I was part of a group that abducted someone many years ago."

"Someone? Do you remember anything else?"

"It's hazy, I think it was three people, scientists.... Hydra needed them for something, can't remember what, exactly. It was usually for experiments and technology anyway." Bucky answers, with a shrug, but his left fist clench tight and his right-hand wraps around the mug. Sam watches him closely.

"Were the experiments regarding... You...?" He asks quietly. Bucky looks down.

"Yeah, usually was."

"Barnes..."

"I know... I'm okay with it Sam, really I am. I just...it caught me of guard you know, been a while since I had Hydra nightmares, usually it is...well. Not Hydra."

"I'm with you there, man."

They continued to stay there until the sun wasn't touching the horizon anymore.

Sam looks at Bucky.

"Let's go make some breakfast, I'm starving."


	89. Left field

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on that deleted scene when Bucky and the 107th were captured.

29 March left field

Bucky shoots as fast as he can, covering his team from the onslaught, but it doesn't look good.

He had a bad feeling since he woke up that day and should have learned to trust that feeling.

He makes his way over the ditch that DumDum and Gabe is taking shelter in. He makes it by the skin of his teeth and falls down, clutching his rifle.

Taking a breath, he sneaks a peek to see they are pretty much surrounded. No way out, and no real hope of getting out of here alive. Bucky sits back and looks to the other three. He should make a plan, they should find a way out of here, but he needs a moment to think. To recoup.

Somehow, he didn't have to wait long as suddenly he, DumDum and Gabe share a look. They can feel the difference in the air. Something is about to happen. They trust that feeling. The air shift when something is about to happen. It always is. Bucky looks over the ditch to see tanks in the distance. It's not theirs, but it does not belong not the men shooting at them either. This is something else. Their coming from the left field and they are shooting at the enemy. Bucky isn't sure whose enemy.

He does know one thing; they are worse off now. That tank and those men appearing are not shooting ordinary weapons. Bucky doesn't know about blue light weapons.

That's for sure, and from the look of two men next to them, neither to do they.

Bucky doesn't need a moment to think of a plan out of there, however, the does take a moment to be thankful he finished those last letters for his family and Steve. They may be the last one's he will get to send.


	90. Stop fighting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame

30 March stop fighting

It's been two weeks since Steve went back and came back old. Two weeks of absolute hell, for everyone else, except him. The world is trying to make sense of it all, but he already knows, he is enjoying his retirement, apparently.

Bucky left that afternoon and hasn't been back since. He picked up a bag and took an unplanned and undetermined length road trip. He bought an old van, which one of Scott's friends was able to help him with and took off. Sam went back to his family.

Steve has been trying to get hold of Bucky, but Bucky isn't answering any calls or emails or texts. Sam's yes, but Steve.... no.

Bucky is taking some twisted glee in the fact that Steve is practically begging him to reply. He missed Bucky so much and is desperate to hear his voice. To see him in the flesh....

Bucky can't.

Bucky shifts his body, his butt getting numb from sitting on the ground so long. The fire is crackling and snapping as it burns the wood to ash and charcoal. The night is not too dark, the full moon illuminating the world just enough. With the fire, and the moonlight, Bucky hardly needs additional light to see as he writes down in his journal.

Since the road trip he is starting to write everything down again. It is a great way to cope and make sense of everything that has happened to him.

Sighing he leans back and takes a sip of his beer. He looks at the page, to the last paragraph.

_I asked Steve once if would ever stop fighting, and he laughed saying as long as there is injustice in the world, he will keep defending those who can't defend himself. Yet....he did stop and for seventy years he didn't defend anyone against any bully. Does that make him a bully?_

Bucky closed the book with a bit too much force than necessary. Sipping his beer, he stares at the fire. What is he going to do now? He can't face Steve, and he can't drive around forever or until he runs out of road. He just knows, he can't fathom why Steve would become the very thing he hated.


	91. Leaving soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TFA. Bucky's last night

31 March leaving soon

Bucky heard the key in the door and sighs. It's just passed eleven, he needs to get up early in the morning, and the ship leaves the docks at six. It's not that the time is bothering him, he won't be able to sleep no matter how hard he tries. He already greeted his folks. His eyes are still a little bit red from that ordeal. He tried to put on a brave face for his folks, but they saw right through it. Becca... Oh...

The door opens and Bucky watches as Steve didn't even try to be quiet as he enters the little flat. He thinks Bucky is going to stay out late.

Bucky wanted to, he wanted to dance the night away. He wanted to spend his last night without worrying about what they want him to do. Over the ocean in a different country. He wanted to hold something in his hands that isn't a weapon.

But then Steve tried to enlist, again... Hardly a few hours later. Twice in one day, probably a record.

Bucky watches as Steve’s put on the small gas-lamp before taking his shoes off and starting to undress as he makes his way to his room. Something is different. Something happened while Bucky was away and left Steve, but he didn't know what. He just knows it leaves him with a weird ache in his stomach. Steve is... _different_..

His gut is saying something is wrong, but he has no proof. Plus, he can't do anything about it as to cause another row with his best friend. And he doesn't want to spend his last night fighting, he will be doing that a lot from tomorrow.

Bucky couldn't resist as Steve walked past.

"Do you always undress from the kitchen when I'm not here?"

Steve nearly drops the lamp as he jumps.

"Buck!" Steve yells and points the lamp to the small sofa against the wall.

Bucky waves his hand and smiles at him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you so badly."

"Jerk." Steve utters and sits on the sofa next to Bucky.

"Thought you wanted to go dancing?"

"Bucky shrugs, the lie falling easy.

"Yeah, but then the gals saw a few lads who was definitely interested in them, and since I will be leaving soon, stepped back."

"Oh. I'm sorry." Steve offers.

"Not your fault."

They sit in the quiet for a while.

"Shouldn't you try to get some sleep?"

Steve asks and Bucky drops the smile.

"I couldn't, I tried...guess I'm too full of those nerves."

Steve looks at Bucky and offers a smile.

"Shall I tell you a story, draw something?

Bucky nods.

"Yes please."

Steve stood up.

"Now make us something to drink and I will go and change and get my stuff."


	92. Easter eggs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wakanda Pre Infinity War

All the lovely banners were made by kocuria, find her on [Tumblr!](https://kocuria.tumblr.com)  
You can find me as well at [Tumblr!](https://acrushedrosestillwins.tumblr.com/)  


* * *

* * *

1 April Easter eggs  
Wakanda Pre Infinity War

Bucky hop from one foot to the next waiting for Steve. Steve sent him a message saying he landed and is on his way to the hut. Bucky didn't meet him as he had to lock the goats for the evening and feed them.  
Finally he noticed the tall figure walking over the hill down the footpath towards the hut.  
Bucky went in and took out two fresh beers from the fridge. The table is set, the food in the oven, keeping warm.  
"Hey!" Bucky greets as Steve walks up to him, already opening his arms to hug Bucky close.  
Bucky met him halfway, his arm wide open. The hug was long, and tight with Steve holding him close before easing up and patting him on the back.  
"Heya Buck. Something smells nice."  
"Yeah, come on I made dinner, the beers are also ready."  
"Ah...thank you."  
Together they walk into the hut, Steve putting his bag down on the wardrobe next to the bed, before kicking off his shoes and jacket.  
"Want to have a quick shower first or dinner?" Bucky asks handing him a beer. Steve takes it and downs half in one go before answering.  
"Dinner, I'm starving."

After dinner Bucky held out his hand.  
"Come on, where is it..."  
Steve rolls his eyes and opens one of the bags before taking out a plastic bag.  
"Don't know how many you wanted so I took everyone in the shop."  
"Oh! That's awesome. Thank you."  
"What's the big deal of them anyhow?"  
"Stevie! You never had Cadbury caramel Easter eggs before? The horror, here have a few." Bucky rolls a couple of the foil wrapped Easter eggs over the table and Steve catches it before it can roll of the table.  
"It's just chocolate right?"  
"Oh....thee of little faith. Bite it in half."  
Bucky orders but quickly held out his hand before Steve could bite.  
"Wait...let me get my phone to record it, want to save it."  
Steve sighs, but dutiful waits until Bucky is sitting down with his phone on video. Pulling a face at Bucky, Steve bit down the chocolate egg in half. The caramel bursts out and run down his mouth, dropping on the table. Steve's eyes were wide and focused on Bucky as he tasted it.  
"Oh...magshh hod." Steve mumble and Bucky started to laugh.  
"I know right....it's quite an experience"  
Bucky continues to smile as Steve enjoys the chocolate, eating the rest, and licking his fingers. Bucky put the phone down and open one for himself.  
"Discovered these a few months before I made my way to Bucharest. I stood in front of the aisle, looking at this wide variety of sweets and chocolates and there was a special on these. Four for the price of two or something so I took it. Went back the next day and bought them all."  
"They are really good." Steve agrees and smiles at Bucky. It's not everyday Bucky opens up about his past or when he was on the run, and this is more than a good story. It's rebuilding a friendship, a bond. It's connecting and Steve will treasure it.  
They sat there, finishing the whole bag that Steve bought, laughing and sharing stories. Their laughter could be heard, even outside the hut and it was beautiful.


	93. over exaggerates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2

  1. April over exaggerates



In every team there is that one person. That one that when he tells you a story, you should remove the excess salt and then you will have the truth. Everything else is a bit of an exaggeration.

Now, Steve didn't know this. Luckily Bucky took it on himself to inform him who that person in this new dynamic group is.

What Steve didn't know, is that the particular story that was being told, there was no exaggeration. It was the absolute truth.

Bucky was taking first watch when he heard the footsteps. He wanted to tell Steve to not walk so loud when he turned around and saw Steve was a few meters away and that he wasn't, isn't supposed to hear that. But he kept quiet.

"Buck."

Steve states and Bucky frown deepens, Steve clearly has something on his mind.

"Hey, my watch isn't over for another 30 minutes."

"Did you, or didn't you jump out of a tank and run into a minefield to save a life?"

Oh.

He did. Myron Anderson, he was new on the team. Too young for the war, a blonde with blue eyes. Bucky couldn't help himself, he immediately felt something for the young man. He wanted to protect him at any cost. He would do it for all his men, but Myron..

"You should take DumDum with some salt, Steve he tends to over exaggerates."

"I thought so too, then I went to Gabe, and Dernier...and their stories match."

"I didn't jump out of a tank, I was on top of it, not inside, and the minefield was cleared.

"Buck..."

"It worked out well, besides I'm not the one who jumped on a grenade, which I'm very pissed about by the way."

Steve's face turns red a she blushes and tries to hide the embarrassment."

"I didn't think you knew that."

"Well I did."

They stared at each other for a while, each with their own thoughts and feelings. Both wants to ask more but didn't.

Instead they look at each other and sighs.

"Want a smoke?" Bucky offers and Steve nods. He sits down next to Bucky as they both smoked.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you myself about the grenade." Steve offers. Bucky shrugs.

"Do you think this war is..." Bucky trails off, unsure how to finish that. He isn't sure if it's the serum in Steve, the war, or that Steve finally got everything he ever wanted, but things feels different. Every day, it's like they are....drifting.

"Buck?"

Steve asks and Bucky puts a smile on his face.

"Do you think the war will still be for a long time?" He offers instead. Steve's eyes narrow at Bucky, he does not think that was the question he wanted to ask in the beginning.

"I don't know. I hope not."

"Me too, Steve. Me too."


	94. Three choices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During Civil WAR

3\. April three choices 

People always tell you that you are free to make your own choices. In a way it is true, but there are certain things, certain situations that leaves you without the freedom to choose. Instead, you get pushed into a certain choice.  
Bucky is running for his life, some weird man in a cat costume is chasing him, and he is enhanced. There is no way he could keep up with Bucky like that.  
He also knows behind the man in the cat suit is Steve, also able to keep pace.  
Bucky didn't care, he kept on running, it's his instinct, his survival mode 'run, they're coming for you'.

Somehow something happened and the next moment, they are surrounded. Tact teams and a man in a flying metal suit that is not Tony Stark. Steve is standing next to Bucky, his arms open.  
Bucky realizes he has three choices.  
A. Keep fighting and get shot dead. That's preferable, in his honest opinion, he is tired of running and isn't keen to know what these men want with him. Nothing good, plus they think he is an international terrorist. So yeah, a few quick bullets is much better than what he previously had to deal with. It will be a mercy.  
B. Surrender and let Steve handle this. Not really preferable, because not even Steve will be able to save him from these men. He already did too much and is in trouble because of today. But. He can still get out of it. Bucky, no more.  
C. Pretend to surrender and wait for the first opportunity to get away. He doesn't kill anymore, but he can still fight his way out.  
Not preferable at all, too many risks and too many factors that could influence him. The best is 'a'.   
Yes. ‘A’ it is, sorry Stevie, but I'm tired of all this.  
Bucky makes a move to take a step closer, to make them shoot him, when he heard Steve's whisper, so soft, so broken.  
"Buck, please don't" It was said like a prayer, a broken wish. Steve didn't want anyone to hear, but he forgot about Bucky's super hearing. Bucky can't say no to that. Not to a broken prayer. Someone should answer that prayer and Bucky decides it will be him.  
He lifts his hand and kneels down to be arrested.


	95. All spice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ww2

4 April all spice 

Bucky is looking at the small bag with his rations in it. He looks up to the others and notice they were also looking at their food with a small grimace in one corner of their mouths. No one will say anything, too happy and glad that they are able to get food. They might as well had nothing except what they could find in the woods and with this weather..... No the rations were wonderful thank you.  
Bucky opens his and takes a bite. He is use to it, but after the fourth day in the row, he is starting to miss the food back at the base. He won't even think about his mom's cooking, that is a pipe dream in this place. Close to blasphemy.  
"Is your food also so amazing Sarge?" Bucky looks sideways to see Gabe eating his with a wide and fake smile. Bucky chuckles.  
"Oh yeah, best ever, need a bit of parsley but otherwise it's so good..."  
Bucky jokes back.  
The others started to laugh too. Denier decided to add his two cents as well.   
"Hell, at this point any and all spice would do."  
"Hear hear." The others cheered softly before continuing to eat. Bucky glance back at Gabe.   
"Why the wide smile?" The others stop to wait for his answer.   
He shrugs.   
"Smiling suppreses the gag reflex." He answers and continue to eat as if that is the most obvious thing to say.   
Bucky looks to the others before they all burst out laughing.   
"Good one Gabe." DumDum agreed.   
Bucky shakes his head as his laughter fades away. That is a good one, he should remember that.


	96. Planning ahead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, another beat up Steve for his bad ass decisions.. (I love these...soo cathartic)

5 April planning ahead

It hit Bucky like a punch in the gut. The whole day things have been mulling over his head, but no it straight on collided with him.

He suspected that Steve will go back to the past, the moment he heard about the possibility. He knew, then Steve would disappear during the day and at first Bucky and Sam and everyone thought he needed some time, but know Bucky knows....

Putting the cloth back down on the table with the plate he was drying he walks out to the living room. Sam and Steve is sitting in the living room, having a coffee while Sam is asking questions about the shield. How to maximize it and so forth. Steve is giving him pointers. Bucky opted to dry the dishes, anything to keep his hands and mind busy. He can't look Steve in the eyes.

Bucky went and stand in front of Steve, his arms on his hips.

"You were planning ahead weren't you?"

Steve looks confused.

"Sorry Buck?"

"Oh yes, decades has passed for you, you need reminding." Bucky spat out and Sam stood up, holding his hand out to Bucky to try and calm him down.

"Buck..." Steve tries, but Bucky is having none of it.

"Don't call me that! Never ever call me 'Buck' again."

"Barnes, calm down, what is going on?"

Bucky looks to Sam.

"You know how he would disappear during the days before he went back? When we all thought he needed some time, what do you think he was doing?"

Sam stares at Bucky before glancing towards Steve who was looking away. A heavy feeling in his stomach.

"Steve.... Tell me Bucky is wrong...."

"Listen..."

"She lived a life, a happy life, you saw that video, I saw that video. You needed to plan your return in such a way that she never stood a chance with the other guy."

"You took her from her other family? You couldn't gone back after they were born, when her husband died? He did die somewhere in the early seventies, Sharon told us that." Sam replies and Bucky snorted.

"Oh no no...The entitlement is too strong for Steve, no by then she was what, no use to you? You wanted it all or nothing. She was already a bit older by then, wouldn't be able to give you kids, the picket fence, so you needed to go back before that. You are so arrogant that if she didn't had a family with you, she couldn't have it with anyone else. You wanted her young and fertile, not middle age with you playing step dad."

The atmosphere was thick and silent. Steve was looking down at his lap, at the ring on his finger. Sam was trying to understand it all.

"Oh God. This...whoa....dude....I don't.... I can't..." Sam stammered before sitting down.

Bucky's chest was heaving with the emotions, trying to keep himself from doing something rash.

He look down at Steve, who was sitting still, a few tears running down his face.

"Do you have anything to say?" Sam asks his voice hard.

Steve shook his head before looking up.

"I was tired Sam, Buck...y... So tired, I just wanted to rest. Have something normal."

"What about me, don't you think I was tired too, still am....my entire life..." Bucky stops to breathe, the lump in his throat heavy and constricting. He push on.

"My entire life, I have been fighting...you know what, you don't deserve to know how I feel. Just this. My entire life I've looked up to you. I've been trying nonstop to be a person you can be proud of, trying to be worthy like you, but now... I never want to be like you. I never want to be able to willingly destroy a life like you did. To replace it with my version, with my entitlement like you did. You ruined everything she stood for. Everything _you_ stood for. Now, I can't barely look at you without thinking you've become exactly what you've spent your life fighting against. A bully and I for one won't nothing to do with you. I'm out."

With that Bucky walks over to the front door. Steve jumped up.

"Please...I waited years to see you again, to be with you, both of you."

Bucky snarls.

"You can wait a few decades more."

"Bucky!" Sam calls and Bucky looks at Sam.

Sam looks back at Steve with disgust before looking back at Bucky.

"Want some company?"

Bucky gives a sharp nod and Sam walks to the door not even looking back.

"Sam! Bucky!" Steve tells but they walked out, slamming the door behind them.


	97. Blog posts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two years on the run, pre Civil War

6 April blog posts

Bucky packs all the extra clothes he could find that would fit into the two bags, clothes that would fit him in one, the rest in the other. That one he would donate to the homeless shelter along with the extra food. He only needs two bags, the duffel bag with clothes and the backpack with the cash and food.

He needs to travel light. Besides, America is full of with safe houses and they are filled with clothes and cash and food.

Bucky usually tries to spend as little time as possible in these houses but sometimes he is too tired and too weak to go on. Then he spends about a week in one house, using the internet and to plan his next few moves and trips. Always on the run. Can't afford to stay in one place for too long.

Bucky is leaving tonight. It's still light outside and there are children playing in the street outside the house. It's a Sunday afternoon so even the parents is outside doing housework. He can't risk leaving in the daylight.

Once he is done packing he goes to the kitchen where he had a few cans of soup in a source pan, and a few crackers. Dishing it up he makes his way to the computer.

It is safe and secure so he can research any and everything.

The risk of looking up Steve and his whereabouts is tempting, so is the temptation to research himself. Instead he researches history and tips for traveling light and which places are the most quiet and isolated in certain times of the year.

That leads him to several blog posts and Bucky enjoys that more than the others. Blog posts is about personal experience, not advertising a town or its good points. He learns more about a town in the blogs. That has saved him from an almost potential situation with local cops.

Bucky opens up a social media site and logs on.

Typing in his username and password he goes down to his mentions and messages.

"Five replies to my questions about Maine...."

Bucky mumbles as he takes another bite of his cracker and swallowing it down with a sip of his soup.

"You need to....." Bucky starts to read. He spends the next couple minutes reading the replies.

"Okay, next stop, Maine it is....."


	98. Sender unknown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Winter Soldier. Two year on the run

7 April sender unknown

Bucky looks at the object again. He is taking a huge risk but can't help it. He found it on an auction on the internet. Never in life did he thought he would pay so much for a comic book. Back in Brooklyn he and Steve would read it secretly in the shops or the library, when it became available.

These days...

The first original comic book of Captain America and his Bucky. He is portrayed as a kid, he was so upset with that. The Howlies thought it was hilarious. Bucky can finally laugh at it too. If only he could be a kid again.

He has read the comic twice now, it actually helped with bringing some memories back.

Glancing around he placed the comic in the protective envelope and sealed it tight, before placing it in another box with added protection.

He made a sticker with the address on, so he doesn't have to write down anything. Sticking it on with his metal hand, he made sure there is no fingerprints or any marks.

He can't take the risk, but at the same time, he wants Steve to know. He misses him fiercely, but he can't go back, not after what he has become.

Paying the postal fees, he handed the package over to the attendee.

"Thank you, have a great day!"

Bucky smiles sharply and replies with a quick "Thanks. You too." before walking out.

His ride to Croatia is waiting, they just don't know it yet.

Steve received the package on a Monday morning, it was delivered to Stark Tower more than a week ago, but he wasn't there. The box had a few bumps and bruises and Jarvis confirmed that it was safe.

_"All scans indicate a magazine sir."_

Steve turns the box around to see where it came from.

"Sender unknown."

Nothing filled in. Just a sticker. Like the address.

Steve starts to hyperventilate. He knows. He doesn't know how he knows, he just knows.

He opens it with shaking fingers.

He stares at it.

He lets out a laugh disguised as a broken sob. Tony bid on it a few months back, he lost....but Steve won.


	99. Clay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howlies years

8 April clay

Bucky is overlooking the area, there is absolutely nothing going on. They were supposed to meet a company of Hydra here, but of course, they didn't show up.

Everyone is waiting close by, all in position. Bucky is laying on the moss and certain parts is mud and clay. He hates it.

Then he got an idea, with his fingers he scrape some of the clay and started to roll it in his hands. One, it is an effort to keep warm, and two, he is bored. It's not as if anyone is going to find out. He will just squish the clay back into the ground when he leaves.

He started with one little stick figure, and then it became two, and then three...

By the time he heard a soft rumble behind him he had the whole Howlies line up. One was holding a little round disc.

"Hi Steve, what's the word?" Bucky asks once Steve appears from the tree, Bucky still hasn't turned around.

"How do you know it was me?"

Bucky looks at him and raise an eyebrow.

"Really?"

"Yeah, okay...." Seeing the clay figures Steve lays down next to Bucky

"Are these....us?"

"Uh huh." Bucky replies with a smile and Steve couldn't keep his smile hidden.

All the figures looked kind of the same beside for small changes, one had a little ball on its head, DumDum, and one had a little Stick and was laying down, Bucky...

"Is this me, with the bowl?"

"It’s a shield punk."

"It looks like a bowl. My shield is not so deep."

"This one does so I can keep your dumb head in it..."

"Jerk." Steve shot back without feel. He was still smiling at the little clay man with the bowl or shield....

"Why you're here? Our positions compromised?"

"No, we got word, the company got stuck, will be here in the next hour."

"Good, I'm about to start building a plane and sending these little fellas back home...." Bucky jokes pointing to the clay figures.

Steve pushes himself up.

"Considering your shield, maybe build a boat..."

"Screw you Rogers."

Steve laughed as he makes his way to his position. Bucky put down the clay he was busy with and digs a hole to hide the clay men when he cussed softly.

The little Steve and Bucky clay figures is gone...


	100. Grade Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid Bucky

9 April grade five

Steve opens the back door and walks out into the little garden. The Barnes family had a bigger house than Steve and his Ma lives in. Mrs Barnes even has a little garden, she tries to grow some vegetables that she usually uses and shares with the Rogers.

Steve is looking for Bucky, who is sitting on a few bricks in one corner, his hands playing with the small garden fork his Ma uses for the garden.

"Buck...?"

Bucky spun around his eyes a bit red and swollen but he smiles it away.

"Steve, hey, sorry....I didn’t realize the time, I was on my way to the library..."

"Buck. What’s wrong?" Steve asks as he walks closer to Bucky who is standing now.

"Why do you think something is wrong?"

Bucky tries but Steve just stares him down.

"It’s nothing Steve."

"Doesn’t look like nothing, tell me."

Bucky sighs and sits back down, on the grass so Steve could sit on the makeshift seat.

"It’s just....I overhead Ma and Pa last night, and they’re going to struggle in a few years to keep all of us in school you know.....

Four kids...."

"They want you to quit school?" Steve asks with shock.

Bucky nods.

Yeah, but maybe in grade seven or eight, I’m in grade five now....the twins will go in two years, then I’ll be in eight... And most kids leave then to work...."

Steve leans closer.

"But you want to finish school, you said so yourself, you’ve got plans..."

"I know...but Steve, if my folks ain’t got the money what do I do?"

Bucky sounds so sad and Steve didn’t know what to say, what to do to make him feel better.

"Maybe you should talk to your folks, tell him, maybe they make a plan. They should know that you know. Talk to you about it."

Bucky nods and leans back on his arms staring at the sky.

"Maybe, but sometimes I wish I can build us a spaceship like in those books and then we can see the galaxy, no school, no worries...."

Steve laughs and sits down on the grass next to Bucky.

"Sounds awesome Buck, tell me more." Steve asks softly and they both lay down on the grass as Bucky starts his hands pointing to the sky.

"We’ll start there...our spaceship will be called _’the adventurer...."_


	101. Insubordination

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just after the Azzano Rescue

10 April insubordination

Bucky is sitting patiently in the waiting area. Well impatiently actually. He was tapping his leg constantly and would wring his hands together, take a deep breath and let go while looking around. He is next on the list to be checked out by the nurses. He let the badly injured go in first. They arrived back at the base a few hours ago, or minutes, already feels like forever sitting here and with no word on Steve. He disobeyed direct orders.....he can be court martial. What he did, is insubordination on every level.

_Why did he do it though?_

_For me?_

_To prove he can?_

_To what?_

_Who was that woman?_

_Why didn't he tell me about her, we hiked back for what, three days?_

_Is it permanent?_

_Am I permanent?_

_What Zola did....to me... Will they be able to tell?_

_What happened to that man's face?_

Bucky is hurt and confused, a thousand questions and even more different emotions running through his head.

On their way back he tried to make sense of it all, but it just confused him more.

He really hopes Steve won't get into too much trouble, but he doubt it. The way Colonel Phillips looks at him, not to mention that woman, they both look like cats who got the cream. Both for different reasons too, he bet.

"Sergeant Barnes...?"

Bucky startles back to his surroundings, and stands up. That was Steve. He looks outside and saw Steve walking towards the infirmary, he asks someone about his whereabouts. Bucky suddenly got scared. He doesn't want to be looked over, he doesn't want Steve to see the scars and the bruises underneath his clothes.

Looking back to the nurse's station he makes up his mind and put on a wide smile as he walks out, right in front of Steve.

"Steve."

"Buck, I was on my way to see you, you're all done?"

"All done. A few bruises, nothing a good meal and a good night's rest won't cure."

"That's good."

"Good, what about you, doesn't look like you are too much trouble."

"Nah, slap on to wrist in essence, but he will keep an eye on me."

"Yeah, the teachers tried that, didn't work, and let’s go get some food."

Bucky keeps the smile on his face as he steers Steve away from the infirmary towards the mess hall.

Back in the infirmary one for the nurse's came out.

"Sergeant Barnes?"

There was no one.


	102. Lockdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Civil War

11 April lockdown

Bucky watches as Sam and Steve talk, they are trying to make plans to get out of the city, to go after Zemo. Bucky told them everything, except the finer details. He didn't tell them how the soldiers screamed and fought. How they would attack each other, how they attacked him. He was beaten to a pulp several times, nearly to death. No one did a thing to help. No one cared.

In the end, he was the only one they could control, and apparently still can. Words are mightier than the sword, that's the saying right?

Bucky looks back to Steve and Sam, he doesn't know Sam, but he did his research these past few years, and Sam...Sam is one of the truly good guys. He trust him, but he won't admit it. Sam is weary of him, and he has every right to be.

A small part of him is a little bit jealous that Steve has such a friend in his corner, it was a part he used to fill. Not anymore though.

Which is good, he is not worthy to be anyone's friend, not even a colleague.

"Buck...?"

Bucky looks at Steve who is standing in front of him, he walked back and Bucky missed it, well he still has a major headache.

"Buck..."

"Sorry...yeah...I'm here..."

"You okay there?"

Bucky saw Sam's worried face as he looked at him. He isn't sure if he was worried about Steve or for him, or what he can do to Steve. That specific memory is still very fresh.

"I'm...I'm okay..."

"It looks as if you were remembering something you rather not." Sam offered and Steve throws him a look.

"You can say that."

"Buck..."

"Don't worry about it Steve, it's a long time ago." Steve crouched down to look Bucky in the eyes.

"You know you can tell me right? Bucky smiles at that and nods.

"I know Steve, it's just, they were in cryo because they were unable to be handled, they were too unpredictable. They couldn't be controlled, unlike me..." Bucky spits the last part, looking away. Steve clench his jaw and Sam finally relax his shoulders. He takes a step closer.

"You thirsty? Got some water if you want."

"Yes please. Thanks." Bucky answers as Sam hands him a bottle of water with a chocolate bar.

Taking a few sips he looks out towards the sound of helicopters in the distance.

"I take it this city is the closest to lockdown?"

"Yeah, but don't worry Buck, we got a plan." Steve answers with a smile that Sam shares. Bucky didn't.


	103. Who? She asked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Civil War

12 April who? She asked

Sam and Bucky stands together as Steve dials, they are halfway out the city and need help. Sam apparently, already called someone's help, but didn't elaborate. Steve just shrugged. Bucky wanted to ask questions. Who is this guy? Can he be trusted? Will he be able to handle himself? That's just to start, yet he did not say anything.

He just bit down on his tongue and stare ahead. Steve knows what he is doing, and he knows he can count on Sam. Bucky isn't sure what Steve thinks of him though, if he trust him though.

Nothing he can do about that. Although he is going back to the place he was locked in and tortured for years and years. To fight winter soldiers because Steve wants to. Steve didn't even ask if Bucky wanted to. As if Bucky can say no. He is still a punk, and Bucky is still an idiot who will follow him any and everywhere.

Steve isn't standing too far off, so Bucky can hear it all. Steve is talking to a Sharon person and asking for their suits. Even tactical gear for Bucky.

"Who?" She asked and Bucky wants to smile. Yeah, not every day you hear Captain America asking for tactical gear and weapons for the former Winter Soldier.

"For Bucky."

"Is he okay?" She asked again and Bucky frowns slightly. She is genuinely concerned for him? Why?

"Yes, he is fine, a bit of a headache I imagine."

"Me too, so Hydra succeeded in duplicating the serum, that's not good."

"No it isn't."

"Okay, I will see what I can do, I'll text you the coordinates. Say hi to Sam, and to Bucky."

"Will do. Thanks Sharon."

"You're welcome."

Bucky watches as Steve hangs up the phone and turns back to them, Bucky looks away so it isn't obvious he could hear it all. Sam takes a step closer.

"Sharon agreed?"

"Yes. She will text us the location to meet. We should find a car."

"Where are you going to find us a car?" Sam asks and Steve and Bucky shares a look. Bucky groans.

"Oh no..."

Steve clap his hands together.

"Oh yes. Be good, I will be back shortly."


	104. water crisis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Civil War

13 April water crisis

Bucky and Steve eye T'Challa with weariness, and apprehension. This man just tried to kill them, or Bucky's at least, a few hours ago in an airport. Now he is sitting on some rock waiting for them? It looks like that as far as Bucky can tell.

His body is calm but his eyes betray the emotions. Whatever happened out here while he and Steve was fighting inside, seems to have had a significant impact on the Wakanda King.

Bucky's arm was still slung around Steve and Steve was still resting against Bucky or vice versa. He isn't sure. He just knows they both were keeping each other up.

The King stands up and both Steve and Bucky takes a step back, or tries to.

"I mean no harm." He says, his arms out in surrender. Bucky and Steve glance at each other before turning back to him.

Bucky tries to shrug, he really can't be bothered, his mind is an other things.

"Where's....Ze. Mo...?" He wheezes.

"Tied up and over there, the authorities will find him soon. May I be of assistance to you?"

"Assist with what?" Steve asks his voice soft but strong.

"Whatever you need." T'Challa states.

"How about water to start with." Bucky mumbles and T'Challa breaks into a smile.

"Of course." Came the reply then both watches he bends down behind the rock and picks up a small bag with a few bottles of water.

"May I also suggest these if you are willing to trust me?"

He holds out two small syringes wrapped in a medical paper.

"What is it?"

"It's a concoction my sister invented, it fights of infection, while providing pain relief and keep dehydration at bay. I use them a lot when I am out. It looks like you two need some pain relief."

Both look too sceptic and T'Challa offers a smile as he puts it down.

"Maybe later, but I will take mine now." Bucky and Steve watch as he injects himself. Bucky takes a step closer to the water and T'Challa hands him one.

Steve is hesitant to ease Bucky's arm from his neck and takes the bottle on his behalf. The king tries to keep his face neutral as Bucky gives Steve a fond look. Steve takes the first step while eyeing T'Challa as if to make sure nothing is in it.

"Come on Steve, if he wants to beat us, he can, we are in no position to fight, I doubt he will use a water crisis to lure as in."

"Quite perspective, but I bet you have to be to survive this long."

Bucky nods and remove his arm as Steve finally relents. Both share the bottle and empties it in a few gulps.

"Now what?" Steve asks.

T'Challa looks at them.

"Gentlemen, I have a proposition for you."


	105. 13 Buttons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

14 April 13 buttons

He should pay attention, he knows he should but Bucky couldn't. For the life of him, he couldn't.

They were in a pub, the mission was a success, and the Howlies were celebrating. Even Agent Carter came down from London to bring the latest news and advancements. The Howlies invited her over for a drink. We'll, they had to if they wanted their Captain there as well.

God, it was a sight to see Steve flustered and blushing as the men made fun of him. Bucky wanted to join in, he wanted to share the joy, but he couldn't. He could pretend, so he did. He would plaster on that smile and he would throw a wink. He would smile a certain way, give a comment here or there, but other than that, he was numb.

The worst of it all is that he has no right to feel like that. To be jealous. Insanely jealous. Bucky had a string of girlfriends back in the day, in Brooklyn. He had no right to feel so.....empty... The fact is that Steve is now the one who gets the girls. Any girl, he walks into a room and has everyone's attention.

Once he had none, now he has it all.

He glance back at the table where several of the Howlies were, laughing and making jokes. A few played darts.

Bucky said they were impairing his game so he was going to the counter for a while. Steve gave a frown but didn't say anything.

Bucky looks down to his drink, it is his fifth or sixth, he isn't sure. He looks back up as his eyes caught something.

"Hey what's that?" He asks the bartender pointing to a jar full of random pieces of crap and what looks like buttons.

"It's all the pieces of clothing that gets lost or ripped off when there is a brawl. Guess how many buttons there are?" The bartender replies and smirks at the question. He is not expecting a response from Bucky so Bucky stares at the jar before sitting upright. He held out his glass.

"I answer, you give me a freebie."

"You're on!" The bartender replies and put the jar on the table. Bucky looks at it and then glance back to the bartender.

"13 Buttons."

The bartender opens the jar and counts it quickly. His mouth fell open.

"Well, I'll be darned."

Bucky holds out his glass.

"Another please." Shaking his head the bartender refills Bucky's glass. Bucky downs it in one shot as he tries to forget how he was able to work that out.

Putting the glass down he looks up and saw a pair of eyes staring at him. Bucky stares back.

He knows the drill by now. He knows the sign, he knows the routine.

Glancing back to the table he sees they are still having the time of their lives. They won't miss Bucky, and he can do with some distraction. Looking back to the eyes he sees they are gone, but the legs carrying that eyes is walking out towards the back door. Bucky gets up and follows him.


	106. the world is turning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kid Bucky

15 April the world is turning

Bucky walks as fast as he could back to Steve's room with the small bowl of water. His face is etched in worry.

"Here Ms. Rogers..." Bucky says as he hands the bowl to Sarah who in turn put it on the small wooden chair next to the bed.

"Thanks Bucky." She softly replies and dips the cloth into the water before wiping the small boy in the bed's forehead.

"Is he any better?" Sarah glances at Bucky who was looking sick with worry. He and Steve were supposed to be studying together, but Steve got sick in the early morning. Luckily Sarah's shift wasn't until the evening, but even then, she needs to look after Steve. She's not sure when she will be able to rest.

"No, not really anyhow. He isn't thrashing so much as before, but his fever won't break." Bucky nods as if he understood exactly what she was talking about and what it meant. Looking at the brown hair boy she thinks that maybe he does. This is the first time since they have become friends that Steve got so sick, so fast and so bad. She really thought Bucky will take one look and turn around running the other way.

He didn't. Instead, when she opened the door and explained the situation he walked in and asked her how he can help. Flabbergasted she asks if he could carry a bowl with cold water to wash his face and he nodded. Before he walked into the kitchen, and took a bowl and fills it with water. He looked at her and said. "Go on up ma'am, I will be there right now."

"That's good." They continued to sit next to his bed, watching him, Sarah would hold her boy's hand and pray silently. Bucky would occasionally refill the bowl, but he didn't leave Steve's side.

"Ma'am..?"

"Yes Bucky?"

"You are tired, you need to rest before your shift, why don't you take a nap, I will sit with him."

"Bucky, I can't let you do that." Bucky looks at her with confusion.

"Why not? I know what to do, you can even rest here, and the bed is big enough..... I will wake you if I need help. Promise." He said it with such conviction, and she was tired, so tired. With a nod and eyes filled with unshed tears of gratitude she lays down next to Steve. The last thing she heard before falling asleep was Bucky's voice.

"Now, listen here you little punk, there are other ways to skip studying, I will show you all of them...till then I'm going to read you my new book. I know you hate the science stuff but tough you just need to get better and tell me to shut it... So listen... Chapter one.... The world is turning and it was the year when all space ships decided on an intergalactic race. Morti from the plant Sahaki....."


	107. Cinema graphics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 year on the run before Civil War

16 April cinema graphics

Bucky follows the noise down the small alleyway unsure of what the cause was.

It feels familiar, walking down an alleyway.

His memories are coming back to him sporadically. The noise is coming from a dumpster and he looks into to see a small wet kitten. It was drenched and cradled against an old ragged cloth for warmth.

The only reason he was able to hear the cat was because of his enhanced hearing.

Bucky looks around and sees it was empty, no one in sight the closest people was in the building behind him. He could hear the noises and what sounded like a small cinema.

The kitten meowed again, a pitiful sound. Bucky quickly climb up and leans down to pick it up with his metal arm.

The kitten didn't even try to fight him.

"Hey little one..." Bucky whispers and cradle the animal close to his chest. Slowly he makes his way to the door opposite the dumpster. The door opens under his left hand as if it was nothing. The noise is louder in here. A movie was playing. At least he thinks it was. He makes his way down the passages and finds the storage room. Digging in he finds a couple towels and starts to dry the kitten.

Next up walks to the kitchen to find some food. It's a very old cinema house, the ones with personality instead of industrial.

Pouring some water, he leaves the kitten to look at the place.

The cinema barely had twenty people in there, but Bucky was momentarily taken aback by the cinema graphics. It came such a long way from what he knew. He was familiar with a lot less, and this is such a shock.

The kitten starts to meow loudly, and Bucky turns around to go back when he ducks behind a wall.

An old man heard the sound too and was walking into the kitchen.

Bucky listens as the man was first surprised by the kitten and then started to fret over it and making noises. From what he hears, the man is alone and the caretaker of the small building. He talks to the kitten if they have been friends for a while now. Bucky can't help but smile.

Bucky slowly retraced his steps to the cinema and sits in the back. The perfect hiding place. He will leave when it is safe. The cat will be looked after, that man will take care of him. He knows it.


	108. Glitter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky reflecting and remembering Two year on the run

17 April glitter

March 2015

I remember him. I remember more of him than I do about myself. What does it say about him?

What does it say about me?

I remember he would always get under my skin, deeper than my veins.

To be brutally honest, deeper than the electric currents of that chair.

I should probably confess, I'm in New York City at the moment. In fact, I'm sitting at the Cafe next to the building he lives in now. The big Avengers building. Stark's building. It sure is ugly.

Steve isn't always here though.

He is out there, looking for me.

I don't think I'm ready to be found.

I'm trying to remember what it felt like, falling down the ravine and the only thing that comes to mind is his face. Pulled tight with fear, getting smaller and smaller before the wind and snow covered ate him up.

I say ate, because that is what it felt like, the war and the surroundings, eating us all up and spitting us out in parts.

I'm always falling for him. The last time was in that helicarriers, falling into the river and spitting debris all over town. I save his life, I tried to kill him, and then I saved him. I remember him in that moment. I didn't remember everything, I just remembered 'Steve' as if he was the greatest trigger of them all. None of the other trigger words came close to the word Steve.

It's been a few months, and he is well, searching the world for me. I am well...and by well, I mean still more confused that egg salad in tumbler dryer, spinning round and round.

I do know one thing. One thing above everything else and that is...well...

I see him and it is like you throw a hand full of glitter into the morning sun and let it fall like an avalanche of colour and rainbow down to earth.

I miss him.

But I can't... I can't do that to him. Not for me.

There's a sudden gust of wind and I looked up, it was the Quinjet, touching down. They Avengers are back. Steve is in that plane, he is going into that building. If I pick up my pen, I can throw it against the window panes of the building. So close.....

So far...


	109. Dahlias

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before TFA

18 April dahlias

Bucky stands next to Steve, both with their best suits. Bucky's folks were standing in the other pew. A few rows back. Bucky stands with Steve in the first row. Just the two of them. Steve is the only family left.

"In the end, it's our time that determine our priorities and it's our priorities that will determine our legacy. Sarah Rogers's legacy is one of note. It will echo for years to come. Amen..."

"Amen." Bucky and Steve whispers with the other congregation. The hymn starts up again, but Bucky can't bring himself to sing, neither can Steve.

Both stands still, both is too lost in thought. Sarah was an amazing and remarkable woman. The preacher is right. Her legacy will a strong one, Bucky just have to look at the stubborn kid - boy - next to him to know that. How many times didn't she made a lasting impact on Bucky himself? Not just on Steve, but him too.

The last note plays, and Steve gets up to put a flower on the casket. A dahlia. Bucky managed two get two dahlias, and by managed, its best not to ask.

One for Steve and one for him.

It was Sarah’s favourite, even though it was one of the most expensive on the market, she would always stop and smell them as she walked by. Bucky thought it only fair that she takes one with her.

Bucky places his next to Steve and stood for a moment. Steve turned around to go back to his seat.

_"Bucky....I can't ask.... But I will..."_

_"Don't worry Ms Rogers, I will look after him, for as long as I can."_

_"You mean as long as he let you?"_

_Bucky snickers at that and holds the frail hand._

_"Even then....Steve...."_

_"I know Bucky... I know...that's why you're the only one I trust with him."_

_Bucky swallows the lump._

_He leans closer to the casket._

_"I promise."_

Straightening up he turns around to Steve is gone. Pulling a face he looks around. His mom meets him up front.

"Do you have any idea where he went, he can drive with us to the cemetery."

Bucky sighs.

"I know Ma, but I think you should go ahead. We'll meet you there."

"Okay, the poor boy. We'll help him, best we can. Tell him that Bucky. He is always welcome."

"I will Ma."

Bucky glance back at the two dahlias before leaving, he knows where he can find the young man.


	110. Genre requirements

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid Bucky

19 April genre requirements

It was a hot day, the windows were open, but the breeze itself was hot. Bucky and Steve were sitting at the kitchen table with their books open, each with a pencil in hand. Steve was doodling on the back page of his schoolbook. Bucky was trying to balance his pencil on his glass of water. 

“I’m bored.” Bucky wined after his pencil rolled and dropped off the glass. Steve stop drawing and looks at him from underneath his hair that keeps falling across his eyes. 

“You’re supposed to be doing homework.” 

Bucky looks up and points at the doodle on Steve’s page with his pencil.

“What is that? Kettle….?”

“Homework, pot…”

“That doesn’t look like literature Stevie…that looks like a drawing.”

“It’s for art.”

“In your prose book….” Bucky asks with a pointed look, head slightly tilted Steve just waved him away.

“Shuddup…”

Bucky opens his mouth to say something when the front door opens and both scramble to the right page, pencil in hand and pretending to work. A few minutes later Sarah walked through the door.

“Hey boys, what are you doing?”

“Homework Ma.”

“Yeah, English literature ma’am.” Bucky replied and looks down at the page before looking back up at Steve.

“So, question 5, what is the five basic genre requirements for a historical fiction?” Steve looks at Bucky.

“History for one.” 

“That’s true Stevie, can’t have a history book without history….”

Sarah rolls her eyes and started dinner. It is only a matter of time before she has to help anyhow.


	111. Hatstand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 before TFA

20 April Hatstand

Bucky stood at attention. His body rigid and straight. Colonel Phillips is sitting behind his desk, several forms around him.

“I appreciate you agreeing to this mission Sergeant.”

“Yes sir.”

Phillips look up and give Bucky a smile.

“At ease.”

Bucky’s whole posture relaxes.

“Thank you sir.”

“You know I’m going to be honest with you, Barnes, I have my doubts sending you on this mission, don’t get me wrong. You I completely trust, but the people out there...behind enemy lines…That’s a whole different ball game.”

“I understand sir.”

Phillips narrows his eyes as he looks at Bucky.

“You do, don’t you? Don’t’ answer that. Okay, I’m signing this off. You leave tomorrow morning at 0200, a Jeep will take you until here, point A, and then you will make your way here to point B. You will execute your mission and then the Jeep will Pick you up in two days’ time at 1300, and bring you back. Don’t make me repeat this. It’s a solo mission, and you keep both your eyes out. You understand. I want you back.”

“Yes sir.”

“Good. I don’t think you need me to tell you how important you are, and how much we rely on you completing this mission.”

“No sir.”

“Here you go, sign here and then you can go and get ready.” Bucky steps forward to the desk and bends down to sign he order forms before standing backup. 

“Dismissed Sergeant.”

“Thank you sir.” Bucky replies and turns around to walk out the office. He nearly walks into the hat stand on his way out. He isn’t really looking forward to this solo mission, to go deep into enemy lines and kill. Not without back up, but there is nothing he can do about it. Orders are orders and he is good what he does.


	112. Quote

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame

21 April quote

Bucky was sitting on his bed, the temporary bed, as he is effectively homeless. He didn’t want to impose of Pepper’s generosity any longer and after Steve ‘returned’ he packed up his little stuff and high tailed it out of there. Sam stayed behind, with Steve. They will come back tomorrow to the city and the old apartment Steve used to have.

Bucky won’t go there. He booked into the first motel he could find, also the most isolated. Around midnight he knew sleep won’t really be coming for him, so he bought a packet of cigarettes at the machine and made his way outside. Now he is sitting on an old garden chair next to the pool. The water is in desperate need of some attention. Bucky didn’t care, he is not going to swim.

Everything he knows and have known his entire life is a lie. Except Hydra, that is a truth that he wishes he could lie away.

A small beep alerted him to an incoming text. Taking out his phone he looked at the text.

_“How are you holding up? He wants to see you. His heart apparently skipped a beat when you left.”_

Bucky rolls his eyes.

He wants to reply, say he can have Bucky’s heart, but he has it hasn’t he? He always had it. Which explains why he is numb at the moment. His heart is tired, living two lives and he wasn’t present. He can’t say that. Not now.

He typed back.

_“Doubt it. Besides who wants a heart?”_

_“We all do. I don’t know exactly how you feel at the moment, but let’s talk tomorrow, okay?”_

Bucky snorts.

_*As if.*_

_“Do you know Wizard of Oz?”_

_“Yes, why?”_

_My favourite quote has always been: “I think you are wrong to want a heart. It makes most people unhappy. If you only knew it, you are in luck not to have a heart.” L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.” It’s the first one I could remember. I heard it just as I read about a mother losing her son in the war. It hit home_.”

The reply wasn’t quick. Bucky had an idea that without saying anything, he just revealed a lot. Sam is a very good man and even quicker study. Well too late now. It was one of the best quotes he ever heard, one he remembers first. But the connotation was different. He did read about the war, about families being torn. No, he remembers that, because that is the day Steve said, he will not stop until he is going too. That he is going to enlist.

There was another line, he can’t forget.

“During the year I stood there I had known was the loss of my heart. While I was in love I was the happiest man on earth.”

How long will he be happy? He certainly isn’t happy now.

The phone alerted him to another incoming text.

He looks at it.


	113. Wizards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame

22 April wizards

Sam and Bucky were sitting on the big couch at the newly rebuilt Avengers Compound. In front of them was stacks of food, from pizza to pretzels and all kinds of drinks, even a six-pack beer.

“So, you really have no idea about the teams out there, and how it works?” Sam asks.

Bucky shook his head.

“No, I remember me and… I remember a Dodgers game once…and hot dogs… But when the Stock market crashed, it had a major impact on the sports, many clubs and businesses closed down. The managers and owners couldn’t afford to pay their players. After that it didn’t had such a big impact, I got older, spend more time helping Ma, with the girls, and Steve was too sick most of the time. A few years later I started working at the docks and you know…. You make plans…”

“Yeah, and life happens. I know how it is.”

Bucky stares at his bottle of beer before putting on a wide smile and turn to Sam.

“So… who is playing today, and who are we rooting for?’

“The Wizards – Washington wizards – because we’re patriotic against the Knicks.” Sam answers but doesn’t expand on where the Knicks are from.

“The Knicks….?” Bucky asked frowning slightly.

“Yup.”

“And they are from where.”

“Some big old apple city… not important.”

“Samuel….” Bucky starts and Sam stares at him, with dramatic hand on his chest.

“Oh, full names…… they are from New York all right?”

Bucky bursts out laughing.

“Oh…okay….I will be rooting for them, cause you know, patriotism…”

“Piss off.” Sam replies smiling as Bucky looks back at the screen and picking up a huge slice of pizza.


	114. The Kardashians

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky with Hydra

23 April the Kardashians

April 2007

Bucky sits still at the table. His body still and unmoving. The gun was on the table, put of arm's reach. The handle away. Pearce is on the phone Brock and his team is sparring outside on the grass, a few is swimming in the pool. The others are watching the TV. Some new show is on, it revolves around a family. Pearce would look at the screen and his face would turn into a snarl.

Bucky didn't move.

"Nick....I agree with you a hundred percent. Absolutely..... Hey, you have the full support of SHIELD behind you."

Bucky mouth gave a slight twitch. Who's SHIELD? Isn't it Hydra? We are Hydra. Hail Hydra.

The moment passes as quickly as it came. It is of no concern to Bucky. He is just to point and shoot.

Pearce finishes the call and puts the phone down. He looks at Bucky.

"Can you believe the crap these men watch?"

Bucky doesn't understand the question. He doesn't flinch. Pearce shrugs and walks to the couches before switching the TV off.

"No more crap, what is it anyway?"

"Some new reality show, about the Kardashians."

"The what?"

"It’s a family..."

"Don't tell me, I don't care. We have a new mission go get the others, we need to discuss this. We need to prepare the Asset as well."

"Yes sir." The man answers before running outside to call the team together. Bucky could hear him mumble how the show wasn't crap, but he didn't report it to Pearce. It's not part of his mission.

PS…I don’t hate the Kardashians…I just ignore their existence.


	115. Coded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During the two year run before Civil War

24 April coded

Bucky has been on the run for quite a while now, and he is starting to feel as though he can find a place to stay longer than a few days. A place where he can blend in and try to find something that resembles stability.

So, Bucharest seems the best option, crowded enough but not in the limelight like New York, or Milan or London. Just a good place to lay low.

Before he does that though he needs to make sure Steve is still okay, that Steve is looking for him in another part of the world.

He can't let Steve find him, the things he has done...

He was always a few shades darker than Steve. A bit tainted, while Steve was pure and light since birth. He never knew what Steve saw in him, but he was grateful.

The thing now is... Bucky isn't just darker anymore. He isn't just tainted anymore. He is a black pit of dark slushing oil. There's no way he can put Steve through that. Everyone knows it takes one drop of mud to ruin a whole glass of water.

Logging on to a computer he uses the program on his USB to hack into Steve's file.

Steve stores all his stuff on a cloud, which Bucky can easily get into. It's a good security system, but Bucky is better. The coded system is nothing for him to crack.

Steve saves all his stuff in neat folders. A _rt, books, Bucky, documents, emails, files, games...home...intelligence._

Bucky is happy to see Steve is doing art again, he stopped for a while back in the war. The books are so wide in topics, Steve is reading practically everything since he crashed the plane. Except for the romance novels and candy sweet love stories. He would occasionally add a book or download own if the title seems interesting. He wonders if Steve even notice the add ons. However, the folder he is interested in, is _Bucky_.

_Bucky_ has a few sub folders too.

_Bucky before the war_

_Bucky art._

_Bucky during the war._

_Bucky with Hydra. That folder is also in sub folders according to year_

_Bucky during 50s_

_Bucky during 60s_

_Bucky during 70s_

_Bucky during 80s_

_Bucky during 90s_

_Bucky during 20s_

_Bucky during 21s_

_Bucky still missing_

In all these folders is everything Natasha dumped on the internet, everything they did to him and recorded it on paper or film is there. This is why Steve can never find Bucky.

Steve knows. He knows everything. He knows his Bucky was tortured and ripped apart. There are soundbites of his screams for hours as they tested something.

There are pictures of live operations.

It has everything.

There's another folder.

_"Buck."_ Just that. Bucky went into it and sees it's something like journal entries. Bucky can't read it. It's private. It's not for him, it may be _to_ him, but it is not _for_ him.

He logs out.

He can't spoil that light that is Steve, he will go away, a European country where blending in is much easier. He can't let Steve find him.


	116. Quality Produce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery in Wakanda

25 April quality produce

Bucky walks through the stalls, happy and content. The people know him now, and they longer stare at him like they did before. They never stared at the arm really, just this stranger among them.

Bucky is used to stares, but this isn't hostile, or fear like in the past. Its interest and curiosity. Like the kids that would wake him from his afternoon or morning sleep. They would burst out laughing and ran away. Bucky loves it.

Fresh vegetables grab his attention and he make his way over to that side.

The stall owner smiles at him.

"Fresh quality produce, very good."

Bucky smiles warmly back. He can smell the earth and the soil on the vegetables. They are indeed fresh.

Bucky wants to make a pot of Stew, fresh and soft with a wine sauce. Steve is coming to visit him tomorrow and this will be perfect.

“I want some potatoes, carrots, beans...the eggplant.....you know what sir, give me something of each."

The man's smile was broad as he packed the food into a box for Bucky.

He hates it when Steve goes away, but he can't say anything about it. He just has to accept it. Like always. You can't stop or influence Steve, you can only take the moments you get and save them.

"Thank you." Bucky greets before walking over to the next stall. This one was jars of honey. Bucky can't remember if he ever had honey, but he sure wants some now.


	117. Santa got lost

26 April Santa got lost

Steve and Sarah were over at the Barnes's house for Christmas. Bucky and his Ma insist they spent Christmas day with them. Even though money was tight they shared what they could. It was a bad year all around. Currently Sarah the grown-ups was in the living room, by the crackling fire relaxing and having quiet conversation. Sarah’s has the midnight shift at the hospital, so it is no use to get some sleep.

Steve and Bucky with his sisters were upstairs, the window closest to the chimney.

The twins were fast asleep. Only Becca and the boys still awake.

"Buckkeeee I don't seeee anythiinnggg"

Bucky and Steve share a look, she is getting tired and when tired she tends to whine. Then again, she is only four years old.

"Well, Brooklyn is big ya, so maybe...he got stuck somewhere.....asking for directions." Bucky tried, shrugging as Becca climb onto his lap. He just stretches out his legs so she could be more comfortable.

Steve snorted slightly and hid it behind a cough.

"Santa got lost? That's your excuse?"

Bucky stuck out his tongue.

"Where do you think he is?" Bucky retorts and Steve sighs.

"Maybe at the hospital, giving to the sick kids first, they can’t stay up too late, now can they?"

Becca nods, believing him. Bucky stayed quiet but he kept looking at Steve. Steve nearly spent his Christmas in hospital. It was only the medicine Bucky got him that kept him out. He still needs to take it easy and was wearing several more layers than the Barnes siblings. Bucky opened his arm seeing Steve yawn loudly. With his sister on one side and Steve on the other he continued to keep vigil watch. It wasn't long before both Becca and Steve fell asleep. Bucky is also tired, but he can't fall asleep. He needs to look after these two sleeping. He needs to keep watch. He is the oldest. He will stay awake.

By the time grown-ups looked for them, all three was fast asleep, on the floor, with Bucky in the middle and two kids using him as a pillow.


	118. For rent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before Civil War

27 April for rent

Bucky carries the shopping bags up the staircase. The elevator is out of order, again. But it is always put of order. Ever since he found the place for rent the elevator is out of order. The whole building is in desperate need of renovation, and Bucky loves it. He loves it how he would walk down the stairs and only every second light is working. He loves the eerie glow, it reminds him of the flat he shared with Steve in the 30's.

Opening the door, he doesn't even bother to switch the lights on. He can see quite well in the afternoon light. The curtains is slowly swaying in the light breeze entering through the windows.

Putting the bags down he opens the fridge and starts to unpack the little bit of groceries. All fresh fruits and vegetables. Some processed meats that can stay fresh for longer, and at the bottom, a small cake.

He quickly goes through the flat to make sure everything is still in order. His backpack under the floorboards. The concrete at the door. The door locked tightly.

Kicking off his shoes he puts the small radio on before taking a bottle of beer and the cake and sitting down on his old rickety sofa.

He looks around, a small smile on his face. He nods.

"Happy birthday Bucky." He whispers and takes a huge bite of the cake.


	119. With Wheels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

28 April with wheels

_My fingers go through my hair, again and I feel like clutching my hair and rip it out. This is utterly ridiculous and insane. No wait, that's Steve._

_I'm going to write to those people writing dictionaries. That's my next "what are you going to do when you get home Sarge", story. 'Why thank you for asking DumDum, I'm going to write to those folks making those dictionaries for school. And what are you going to tell them Sarge? Oh I’m going to tell them with the next edition. At the words reckless and insane and ridiculous, instead of descriptions they can have photos of our lovely Captain here.’ And then we can all laugh hahahafucking ha…_

“Sergeant?”

_Oh, he is talking to me, and I missed it._

“Bucky?”

“Sorry, yes?” _Play innocent…just play innocent._

“Did you hear the plan?”

“You are going in being reckless and insane, yeah, got it. You do realise you are going to need to go in with wheels right, not just a shield.”

_Oh, the bastard is smiling widely. Shit._

“I’m going in with Milady over there.”

I look at the motorbike standing under the tree. I swear she is trying to act innocent, all ‘it’s not my fault’ but I can see right through her. And right through this big lump of muscle.

“No…. that thing is too loud!” _Sorry Milady._

“Buck…that’s the point.”

Wait…what…

“What!?”

“It’s going to be brilliant Buck, like back when you were twelve and we wanted that two apples…. this is just bigger.”

_Is he…of course he is insane. God, what did I let myself into with this man…._


	120. Can't sing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2Era

29 April can't sing

Steve went down quicker than a hot potato in baby's hand. One moment he was up, the next, lying on the ground. Still, not moving.

Bucky felt his heart stop, the air around him dead quiet and he has never in his life killed so fast and so quick before he rushed over to Steve. He passed the shield lying a few steps from Steve, quiet in the group, splattered with mud. As next in command, Bucky yelled orders and commands as he came to a stop next to Steve's body. He skids on his knees grabbing on to Steve's form.

"Steve?" He prays.

Steve didn't move. There was two holes just under his arms, one pierced his lung.

"Oh God..."

Bucky didn't know how they got back to the tents and who carried Steve. He just remembered that he and Dumdum and some of the others struggled late into the night to get Steve stable. To get him to a point where it wasn't touch and go anymore, just touch. The morning with will bring clarity.

Bucky didn't leave his sight. The others took turns to sit with Bucky. Some brought him clothes, others water, some a bowl of water to wash the blood out of his hands. Denier took his clothes to rinse in the stream, leaving Bucky in his underwear and undershirt with a small blanket around him.

"Come on Stevie, you got to fight ya hear. That old stubborn streak..."

"Bu....ck..." The whisper was soft. It was enough.

"Hey, you punk, you scared me."

"Sor....ry....hu..ts.."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I can't give you anything else, we gave you everything we have. I guess you burn through it too quickly."

"'s okay... Just.... like... old... Tim... es.. My... Lun.. Gs... Kepin..you.. Up." Steve jokes his face contorting in a weak attempt at a smile.

"Damn straight." Bucky tries, his voice shaky.

"You need to get some rest Steve, let your body heal."

"Too.... Loud.... Ou...side...sing...f...me...pls..e"

"You know I can't sing, you told me that since I was seven."

"Lied...."

"Fine...but you can't keep the song against me.... It's the only one I know...."

"Ok.....ay..."

Bucky looked around to make sure they are alone before clears his throat. The lyrics was soft, soothing and had an instant effect on Steve.

_"Till the end of the line,_

_long as stars are in blue,_

_long as there's a spring,_

_a bird to sing I'll go on loving you."_

The men outside drew quiet, they heard Bucky's voice, talking to Steve. They shared a long-suffering sigh that their Captain will be all right. Until they heard Bucky's voice. That man can't hide his feelings in the way his voice cracks with the words. They all kept quiet, and will keep staying quiet, not just tonight, but for tomorrow and the day after that.

They stare at the fire, listening to Bucky singing his heart to a sleeping captain.

_"till the end of the line,_

_long as roses bloom in May,_

_My love for you will grow deeper_

_With every passing day_

_Till the wells run dry_

_And each mountain disappears_

_I'll be there for you, to care for you_

_Through laughter and through tears_

_So take my heart in sweet surrender_

_And tenderly say that I'm_

_The one you love and live for_

_Till the end of time_

_Till the wells run dry_

_And each mountain disappears_

_I'll be there for you, to care for you_

_Through laughter and through tears_

_So take my heart in sweet surrender_

_And tenderly say that I'm_

_The one you love and live for_

_Till the end of time"_

Perry Como, Russell Case

Songwriters: Buddy Kaye / Ted Mossman

Till The End Of Time lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner Chappell Music, Inc


	121. Screw driver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery in Wakanda

30 April Screwdriver

The sun was already high up in the Wakanda sky. Bucky and Steve were without a shirt, in shorts and barefoot.

"You sure you know what you're doing Buck?"

"Yeah, I mean, I built that cupboard for your Ma for her birthday once."

"Yeah, but that already set out with the planks and shelves and screws, you just had to assemble it." Steve replies, staring at the wooden poles and mesh wire.

"Just like what we're doing here, now." Bucky answers, not a care in the world. He wants to build a goat pen, and Steve's doing most of the work as Bucky still refuses a new arm. Both know Shuri has several in her lab, ready for him to try, but Bucky refuses. He doesn't want anything like that on him. So, in the meantime he goes ahead with only the one arm, and Steve's muscle....

"Yeah... But.... Have you ever made a goat pen?

"No, but I have made traps, and I imagined making some kind of pen for you while growing up. State of the art, only your Ma and I having the key. Keep you out of trouble." Bucky's voice was soft, and Steve can see the mischief in those eyes. It warms him up.

"No, you didn't."

"Did too. You had your paper and pencils, and your inhaler, a few books, and some blankets.... Had it all plan out. As always, your stubbornness didn't allow it." Bucky raises his eyes to Steve's level the corners of his mouth threatening to rise up.

"Yeah....was there place for you?" Steve asks staring back at Bucky, his face open and a smile on his lips.

"Of course, wasn't going to leave you alone, now was I?"

They continued to look at each other before giggling like teenagers. They are happy and carefree, glad that even the circumstances weren't ideal, it was enough to be together. Bucky took a breath and points to the tools.

"Hand me that screwdriver, please."


	122. Style

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

All the lovely banners were made by kocuria, find her on [Tumblr!](https://kocuria.tumblr.com)  
You can find me as well at [Tumblr!](https://acrushedrosestillwins.tumblr.com/)  


* * *

* * *

1 may style

It's not every day that Sam and Bucky have to be in the same room, or building. Whenever Steve comes to visit Sam usually goes home or stay at the castle. He would come to the hut, but it wouldn't be often.

Sam and Bucky are still trying to get used to each other. Still trying to figure out this new dynamic with each other and with Steve in the middle.

Both agree on a few points. Steve is too stubborn for his own good. Steve is too reckless for his own good. Steve needs to be taken care of, since he doesn't do it himself. They need to have Steve's back.

Basically Steve. They have Steve in common

Bucky was remembering his feelings long before that day in Bucharest, but he will never say anything. He can't. Steve must never know. And if Sam may have feelings for him, he can't stay in the way. Then again. Steve is straight. He remembers those looks between him and Peggy all too well. Way to well, in fact. So maybe he and Sam has that also in common.

Bucky watch as Steve came out of the hut with a phone in his hand, smiling at Sam.

"Sam, it's that girl from Italy." Sam claps his hands together and smile at Bucky.

"Yes! Rachelle, if the two of your old men excuse me, the young ones is going to have a talk...." Steve rolls his eyes and hands him the phone, taking Sam's place on the log next to the lake.

"This Rachelle...."

"She and Sam have been texting for a while now, calls every now and then. We met her while we were on a mission in Italy, I had to be his wingman...."

"Is it serious?" Bucky asks, trying to determine what his feelings is about Steve being someone else's wingman. They used to be that for each other.

"Honestly... I don't know. Our current life isn't exactly allowing relationships and I know he has a crush on Natasha... But we're all just trying to make the best of it as we go along. What about you, any girls here you're interested in?"

Bucky splutters his drink over his shirt.

"Thanks for that asshole. No... I'm...well...you know.... Besides I should ask you that, seeing as you travel the world so to speak..."

Steve's face turns beetroot red.

"No Buck, no one like that."

"What about, that blonde, back in Germany...Carter's niece?"

Bucky hated that moment more than the actual fight. Carter's niece.... Way to keep it in the family but he can't say that. Needs to keep quiet.

"Oh that.... That shouldn't have happened."

Bucky sees the emotions in Steve's eyes.

"For what it's worth... You may have style, but you're not doing too bad in this world."

"Is that so?"

"Could've been worse."

"How can it?" Steve replies, staring at Bucky. Bucky shrugs and put on his best jesting face.

"You could still be eating boiling food."

Steve bursts out laugh.

"Yeah...thank goodness I'm not. You couldn’t boil an egg!"

"Hey it was once... Mr ‘I didn't know beans had to be soaked first Buck’."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not suggesting Sam is in love with Steve, I'm trying to see it from Bucky's pov, that Sam is like Steve, that Sam admires Steve, and Bucky is not use to it. The 'captain' yeah, but Steve Steve... not so much.


	123. Cap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two years on the run before Civil War

2 may cap

The clothes is unfamiliar, yet comfortable, is that the word...comfortable...? What is comfort? It fits. I like the way it frames around my...body.  
I can walk in it just fine, no place for weapons and grenades, but I can handle it, for now. I have weapons close by.  
This place is big, and so shiny. I don't.....know it...  
The pamphlet said it has an exhibition about World War 2, about Captain America.... About him....  
I know him my whole life.... That's what he said.  
He is wrong.  
He is not wrong.  
He comes back to me.  
I close my eyes I see him, small. I don't understand.  
So here I am. The cap is low on my head, I have no idea who might recognize me, I don't want to go back to Hydra. I don't want to go back to the machine again. I won't. I'd put a bullet in myself first or cut my own throat. I'm here cause he is.  
I follow the rest of the people, they are all so slow, so.....happy.... Loud and laughing.... It makes my head hurt. I lift up my collar a bit and try to push them out, I start to walk a bit slower, create some distance.  
I can hear the man over the speakers talk about the Howling Commandos.  
Howlies, a voice in my head provides. I frown.  
I enter the exhibition and stop. My body malfunctions as my legs can't move. The noise disappears and it's quiet.  
The sounds come one by one.  
"Frenchie, blow it up!"  
"Ai ai Cap..."  
"Come on Sarge...."  
"Now now... Gabe...."  
"And I throw up...."  
"Steve!"  
"Bucky!"  
As if shocked my body starts moving again and I walk closer. I can see the plastic human forms, dressed in what looks like uniforms.... his in the middle up front. Next to him.... His left... Was....Is that my face?  
No... But.... I.... Am made. I am a fist. I am an Asset.  
No, he said... Your name is James Buchanan Barnes. You're my friend.  
The pictures on the wall...that's me.... That's someone who looks like me. I slowly walk closer....  
I see, I see it all. My program no... My mind... It is clouded. I go into the first quiet room, it's dark, with a black and white film playing.... it’s me, again and him.... We're laughing.... I can laugh?  
I touch my lips, but it is cold, it is dry... Did he make me laugh?  
I leave and then I see it.  
It's so big.  
Huge wall of glass with my face...  
My eyes turn to the words.  
"James Buchanan Barnes"  
Born in 1917, Barnes grew up the oldest of four.... There were others? I can hear laughter, women... No girls.... I see pig tails and ribbons....a name.... Becca....  
Was he right about me?


	124. Trolls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 Era

3 may trolls

Snow. That is awesome. Bucky really thought their next mission would be somewhere with no snow. Not that he wants a desert or Tropical Island, but something dry would really be helpful.

Everyone is getting sick and tired of the snow. Denier is cussing more prominently under his breath and Gabe would just widen his eyes. When Bucky asks what he said, Gabe replied. "I just learned another way to insult the enemy's mother Sarge."

Bucky and Steve tried to keep their faces neutral. Dumdum burst out laughing and clap Montgomery on the back.

"That's sportsmanship!" he exclaimed and continued with his work.

That was yesterday.

Today the atmosphere wasn’t as jubilant as before but they still tried to make the best of the situation.

It was late afternoon when Steve called halt to their day and give the order to set up camp.

Bucky is the first to light up a cigarette, Dumdum the second with one of his cigars.

"Another long night hey?"

"Hopefully quiet." Steve answers standing next to them and stealing Bucky’s cigarette.

Bucky didn't even try to protest anymore. The others laugh and calls him a mother hen. He doesn't mind, but they don't understand that sudden fear, that sudden panic when Steve does something that usually would mean an asthma attack, or a trip to the hospital. He doesn't think he will ever get over it.

"Well, this place does look creepy, as it can hide dragons and medieval knights."

"I'll take that Sarge, it's the trolls we have to worry about."

Steve and Bucky smiles.

"You do know trolls don't exist?" Steve asks, blowing out smoke and handing the cigarette back to Bucky.

Dumdum nodds.

"Aye, but look at these woods and tell me there's not things that can make you believe in them?" He replies back and walks over his pack, probably looking for his flask.

Steve shakes his head and walk away.

Bucky stares at the woods and the fading sun.

"It makes me believe Dumdum." He whispers.


	125. gold star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

4 may gold star

Bucky excused himself early in the evening from the group. The rest were still drinking and having a good time. They just had another successful mission.

They started asking Steve all kinds of questions about his 'dancing monkey days' and the more Steve answered, the more upset and furious Bucky got. The last straw was when he mentioned something about a gold star and the girls half naked, not caring if he sees or not. With some stupid excuse he got up and walked to the bar. Ordering two straight shots of whiskey, he down it one go before making his way outside.

He needs some space. If he stays any longer in that bar, he will do something rash.

He found a bench close by, under a small streetlamp and sits down, his head resting on his hands.

"Buck?"

Bucky startles and look up to see Steve standing in front of him.

"Hey Steve." Bucky answers with weary.

"What's wrong?"

"What makes you think that something is wrong?"

"I know you Buck; something is really bothering you."

"It’s...Nothing Steve. It's the past."

"Buck, is it me?" Steve tries before sitting down, his body coiled up.

"No...it’s just... The stories you tell about...your stage days... I just.... It makes me angry Steve."

"Why?"

"Because.... It must have been so humiliating and you just wanted to fight, you got there in the end... But Steve, this isn't the life I wanted for you. Not like this."

"What do you mean 'not like this?' I can't fight being small and sickly...I like this body. I like being able to run and not worry about asthma. I like walking in the street and not worry about picking up a cold..."

"I do too Steve..."

"I don't understand Buck."

Bucky shakes his head.

"You wouldn't. I'm not sure I know how to explain it Steve. I guess I'm just tired of killing the whole day. It makes me gloomy."

Unconvinced Steve puts his arm around Bucky.

"I'm still me Buck, I'm always going to be too stubborn to walk away from a fight."

"I know."

Bucky didn't want to say that he didn't want Steve to be tainted by war and blood and killing. There's a difference between back alley fights and killing people for a living. He wanted something, someone, to go home to. He wanted to say, that the only reason he didn't went AWOL was for the hope to see Steve when he came back. That he didn't go to the war to fight for something he wanted, but he went because he fought for who he left behind.


	126. Hilti

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

5 may hilti 

Bucky is playing with a knife tossing and turning it from one hand to the other. Steve is looking on mesmerized at the display of skill and confidence.  
"Like what you see Steve?"  
"That's very good. You are getting faster with that knife."  
"Have to be, if I want to stay alive."  
"Yeah..." Steve didn't finish his sentence as Howard walks in, all smiles and cheerful.  
"You guys ready, I got great toys today." Bucky puts the knife down and gives his attention to Howard, Steve standing next to him. Bucky is quiet, he didn't say much. Ever since he found out that Howard had most of his fingers in the 'Steve's transformation' pie, he didn't seem so eager about the scientist anymore. Steve can't figure out why, or what it is that's eating at him. He focus back on Howard  
"Those grenades you gave us last time is spectacular, Falsworth in particular was very happy."   
Bucky watch the smile broaden even more.  
They Howlies were crazy, but Howard....he is something else altogether. He had a sort of manic to his work.  
"Oh yes, that's what I want to hear, take that Hilti boys..."  
Bucky and Steve share a look of confusion, Bucky shrugs. He didn't know and he doesn't want to know. Steve didn't share that thought.  
"Who"  
"Oh the Hilti company founded by Martin and Eugene Hilti...."   
Steve and Bucky is even more confused.   
"They started a mechanical workshop in Schaan, Liechtenstein a few years back, like four or something..."  
"What's that got to do with grenades?" Bucky asks.   
"Oh nothing Sergeant. I just like to know all the potential competitors out there...."  
"Riiight..." Bucky replied kept quiet. Howard didn't mind. He opened a big metal drawer and took out new and fancier weapons for the Howlies. Bucky really wish he never gets that excited about weapons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I googled Hilti to get some ideas and found out it was founded during the time of Bucky, and where quite close to the kind of work Howard was doing. Trying to make inventions.   
> So this was born


	127. Closing time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre war

6 may closing time

Bucky follows the girl out to the back alley, Steve is at home, busy with a few commissions for the local grocer and Bucky wanted, no needed, to get out.

Today was...well a day Bucky rather not think about.

"Come on, just through here" Sandra whispers as she led him to the back corner behind some crates.

Bucky just put on his million-dollar smile. This is fine, he wants to do this. He needs to do this. The alternative..... No.... He can't think like that.

"Here we are..." Sandra seductively whispers pulling Bucky close to her, her hands digging under the shirt to his back. Her lips close to his hear before she licks close to his hear. Bucky puts his hands around her, nibbling her earlobe.

This he can do, he should think of the softness of her skin, the curves of her body, not the hard planes he saw on one of the boys at the docks. He was changing shirts and Bucky saw the white pale chest and felt something inside.

Sandra didn't wait on her as she moves her hands to the front of his trousers.

"What if we get caught?" Bucky whispers, slightly pulling away.

"Oh, its closing time anyway, no one will come around here. We are completely alone."

Bucky wants to say something back, but then her hands slip between his underwear and skin. He should focus on this, not..... He can never tell anyone. He can't tell Steve...

He is James Bucky Barnes, he likes girls, he likes dames with flowy dresses and lipstick kisses. He can't like anything else, he must not like anything else.


	128. May Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

7 May May Day

Bucky is staring at his reflection in the metal wall at the destroyed Hydra base. He is in desperate need of a good and thorough shower. His hair needs a trim, and his eyes, is being supported by two plump bags. At least they packed for the trip.

Letting out a snort with that image he quickly looks around to see if anyone sees him. They would think he lost his marbles laughing at his own mental jokes out there in the rubble. Not to mention the dead bodies around. They didn't kill all of them, the cyanide teeth did most of it.

His eyes look sad and dull, a few shades before empty and numb. He didn't choose it. The war did it. The death and the cold, the hardness, the struggle to keep all his marbles intact. He is different. He is not that carefree and social Bucky that everyone knew once upon a time.

It's May Day. Although not really celebrated in New York, like other parts of the country and even the world, he still remembers the old stories. The day of fun and celebration. Of dancing and people coming together. Together to be happy, not to rage a war in soot and blood.

They might get some leave time after this mission. Agent Carter made it clear to their Captain that once this mission is done, they can have some time. 'They might get to dance' she added with a smile that every man knew meant more than dancing.

Bucky wonders if she looked at Steve like that before the serum, he heard the rumours, she admired him and had respect for him. That he was different from the start. Bucky could have told her that.

He could tell her a lot of things, but she's not really interested in what he has to say, unless it's about the war or his skills, or Zola.... And he has nothing to say about Zola.

Maybe it's him, he isn't as social as he used to be. He hardly talks to the guys when they get out.

"Buck?"

Bucky turns to see Steve walking towards him, a soft smile on his lips.

"Hey, looks like another successful op."

"Yes, the guys did well, you did well."

Bucky's face relaxes under the compliment.

"Thanks, you weren't so bad yourself."

That cause Steve to burst out laughing.

"Jerk."

Steve replies and to Bucky's shock he pulls Bucky into a hug. Without thinking Bucky hugs back.

"What's this for?"

"To say thank you, for being the one thing in my life I can count on and for being here with me. I also took the liberty of arranging a set up for us when we go on our R & R."

"You what?"

"Hope you don't mind, I've arranged for all of us to get a week of, but you and me, are going away for a few days together. We're all going into Paris, but I arrange for us a trip to the Louvre and a trip to the countryside.... there’s a belated festival or May Day celebration, I thought you might want to see some happiness and fun instead of this gloom."

Without thinking Bucky threw his arms around Steve.

"Thank you Steve. Thank you."


	129. I don't agree

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it didn't took long..  
> Another pissed off at Steve   
> After Endgame

8 may I don't agree

Bucky watches as Sam walks with Steve back to his car and helps him to get in. Steve is old, and he lived his life. Bucky still has his in front of him. Without him. He was always so scared that Steve would die of his heart, or asthma and Bucky would be left alone.

_Ha._

_How ironic._

Steve told them they could live in his old apartment; he would sign the deeds to put it in their name. It's close to where the new Compound would be rebuilt.

Sam seems happy with the idea. Bucky hates it. More than anything he could think of. Yes, even Hydra.

Steve came to visit today, to catch up.... Bucky left, faking a therapy session. Steve is surprised he goes to a therapist. Bucky asked him, “why”...

He is still traumatized by Hydra, and then found out he missed another chunk of his life. Steve didn't know how to reply to that, and Bucky didn't stay to find out.

He made sure he stayed the whole day away. From where Bucky was hiding, he could see Steve would occasionally look out the balcony to see if he can spot Bucky coming back. Bucky just snorted and kept waiting.

It was late afternoon when Steve had to go, that Bucky coincidentally walked down the pavement. Just in time to say goodbye.

Sam gave him a look that Bucky ignored. It won't be long now.

Steve gave one last look the where Bucky is standing in the doorstep watching them.

"I'll call ahead next time Buck; I really have so much to tell you."

_As if..._

Bucky puts on his fake smile.

"Sure, can't wait. Sorry about today hey."

Steve's smile didn't reach his eyes, if he was still as smart as he was, he would know Bucky didn't mean a word of it.

"Sure Buck."

_Clearly not. Still has all the fucking stupid._

Sam waits until the car is in the distance before he walks over Bucky. They started to walk up the stairs to their apartment.

"What was that!?"

"Sam stop, he is gone, you don't have to pretend anymore."

"Pretend what?" Sam asked, clearly confused as they entered the apartment, Sam closing the door behind him. Bucky stood in the living room. His hands on his hips.

"That we're friends. We weren't friends before, just acquaintances with one thing in common. Steve. We worked together and we tried to stay out of each other's way as much as possible, let's not pretend we are best buddies okay." Bucky answers. Sam took a breath, folding his arms. Already looking the part of the Captain.

"Even so, we are partners now, with this new Avengers thing..."

"Which I'm not going to do." Bucky interrupts.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

"Steve would want..."

"I don't give a fuck what he wants, he didn't give a fuck what you wanted, or what I wanted before he fucked off to the past. May I remind you where civil rights were non-existent, he wouldn't be allowed to be friends with you because of being black. And yes, he is Steve Rogers, but he wasn’t when he went back, so he had to choose, and we weren't it, you weren't it Sam. You didn't fit in with the picket fence and 2.0 life. Neither did I. We weren’t enough. We were not worthy. I was not worthy enough." That was the crux of it all, wasn't it?

"I don't agree." Sam force out, his jaw tight. Bucky can see the lie.

"Yes, you do, you just don't want to admit it."

Looking away, Sam took a breath before looking back at Bucky.

"If you're not going to help me with the Avengers what are you going to do?"

"Fuck knows, I'm just not going to do it here. I hate this apartment; I hate this life and I hate New York!"

"Bucky... We may have started off on the wrong foot, but I think we can make this work."

"Maybe we can, maybe not. I just know that I am going to make my own decisions, and right now, that is to walk away."

"Where are you going?"

"Don't know, don't care, as long as it is not New York or anything with an English accent."

Sam can see the hurt, the pain, but he also knows nothing he can say will change his mind.

"What about.... If he asks about you...."

"Tell him the truth Sam."

Bucky took a step closer.

"Don't lie to him, tell him why I left, tell him I don't want to have anything to do with him, ever. That I don't even want to hear his name."

"That's harsh." Sam answers back as Bucky walks down to the bedroom on the right, it was his, or would be, if he stayed.

Bucky picks up his bag, he never unpacked and looked at the drawing against the wall one last time. Steve did it, it was of them. Bucky reached out and rips his part of the drawing off the wall before he scrunches it up and throws it in the dustbin.

He walks out, Sam is still standing in the living room, looking upset.

"Sam, life is harsh. Although you make it a bit better."

"Bucky...."

"See you around Sam. You are going to be an amazing Captain, you hear, don't let anyone tell you different."

Bucky holds out his hand and Sam gives him a look before grasping it and shaking it.

"Don't be too much of a stranger okay?"

"I'll send postcards."

Sam could only watch as Bucky left the apartment, he knows it would be a very long time before he will see Barnes again, if ever.

Sighing he looks around the apartment, it's his now. He should make the best of it. Making a quick supper he decides to watch some TV before going to bed.

The phone rang just after nine.

Steve.

Sam picks it up with dread.

"Hi Sam... Is Bucky there?

"No...Steve...... There's something I should tell you....."


	130. 30 seconds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

9 may 30 seconds

Gabe and Frenchie have been muttering under their breath for close to ten minutes now. They would occasionally glance at Bucky, mutters something and then glance at Peggy where she is sitting next to Steve. Bucky is sitting opposite Steve and Peggy. More like Bucky, Peggy and Steve, along with Gabe and Frenchie forming some triangle.

It's when DumDum gets up to get another round that Bucky can make out a word.

“le même”

It means 'the same' in English.

Taking another sip of his whiskey he frowns. He and Peggy are nowhere the same. He hates the war, she thrives on it, like Steve. Military is in their blood, and military is side by side with war and fighting. Bucky wants to go home, Peggy and Steve is 'lifers' that is clear as day.

He tries to compare the two of them, when it hits him. It only took 30 seconds to get it. That Frenchie at one point pointed to his jaw, made it clearer.

They are the same. Both brunettes, both have sharp cheekbones or strong jaw lines...both quite pale... Both similar eyes just the colour that's different. Both practically worships the ground Steve walks on... Both madly in love with S....

Only one has the royal flush in this poker game. Bucky may have a full house, but Peggy.... Peggy has it all. She can give Steve what Bucky never can. Not to mention one is illegal and shameful, straight way to hell, the other, have pearly gates part of the package. All expenses paid inclusive.

Bucky froze as he realizes what Gabe and Frenchie picked up on. He wonders how long it took Steve to see the similarities, if he did....

Bucky would bet his entire Army's wages Steve haven't thought of it like that.

The bar just shrunk a couple of sizes and Bucky can feel the hot flush spreading through his limbs. The whiskey is turning in his stomach. He needs to get out. Now.

Throwing a random excuse of men's room Bucky nearly run to the back door. He skipped the bathroom and made it straight out into the alley behind the bar.

The cold air hit him like a punch, and he gasped for air as he fell to the ground. One hand steadying his fall against the wall.

His breath came in gasps as cold silent tears runs down his eyes.

"Pathetic Barnes. So fucking pathetic." Bucky groans between cold sobs and painful moans.

Suddenly two set of arms surrounds him, holding him up.

"Come on Sarge...we need to go.... The Cap is looking for you."

"No no no ...he can't...." Bucky tries but the touch is gentle.

"I know, let us help you." Bucky registers its Gabe and Frenchie and he relaxes a bit as they half carry him to the street where a cab was waiting.

Together they helped him in and sat on each side, holding him up.

Bucky could hear Dumdum’s voice as he starts explaining to Steve that Bucky got sick, and they have decided to take him to his room, to sleep it off. Dumdum complained about how drinking on an empty stomach is a rookie mistake and Barnes should know better.

Bucky knows he owes the guys big time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is based on a Tumblr post about how similar Bucky and Peggy is. Well I couldn't resist a story where Bucky saw it too


	131. Measuring tape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery in Wakanda

10 May Measuring tape

Bucky and Steve story were sitting by the campfire outside his hut. The sun has been gone for a few hours now, but the moon is bright, as well as the few lamps Bucky has around his place. The goats are calm, sleeping for the night.

They already had dinner, they were just enjoying the calm of the outdoors, the small fire and a bottle of beer each.

Bucky isn't as quiet as he used to be, those first couple of times Steve would come and visit. They would Skype a lot, but when Steve is actually there, they were quiet together, sometimes talking without words. Steve was patient, he understood that Bucky may not be who he used to be, but the Bucky now, was just as amazing as the old one. Steve nearly cried the first time Bucky told him a joke; it was so lame. Apparently, Bucky now has a soft spot for lame jokes, the lamer the better.

Steve loves it.

"Hi Steve..." Bucky breaks the silence, but it was comfortable, it was like back home.

"Yeah Buck?"

"What did the broccoli say to the other broccoli when the cauliflower walked by?"

Steve's mouth already quirks up into a smile.

"What did the broccoli say?"

"Look, a ghost." Bucky deadpans but his eyes, they were alit with the old Bucky, with mischief and fun.

Steve burst out laughing in the dark, causing a few birds to take flight.

Bucky decides to join in, and they laugh more softly now.

"That's a good one Buck."

"It's an old one..." Bucky answers, suddenly soft and wistful.

"I never heard of it."

"Becca told it at dinner once, I nearly fell of the chair laughing, Ma, tried to keep a straight face, and Pa tried his best to be stern."

Steve turns to look at Bucky, he watches as the memory replays in his eyes. His eyes becoming shinier.

"That's a good memory Buck."

Bucky glance back at Steve.

"Yeah, you know now, that I remember most of my life, I realize every memory is a good one, even the bad ones. They were all good."

"Buck..." Steve starts but trails off, kicking his foot against a log. Bucky finish his beer and put the bottle down before placing his hand on Steve's shoulder.

"Ask Steve, I will tell you."

"It's, I have been curious...which of your memories came back first, the war, or Brooklyn? Or..."

"You." Steve's eyes widen at that.

"What?"

"My memories of you. You are the one who broke through the brainwashing, you came back first. The small little punk, who once hid his mom's measuring tape, because he thought if he hid it, he wouldn't have to worry about growing up anymore."

Steve nearly fell as he starts laughing again, loud and out the deep of his belly, Bucky laugh too, watching Steve with a smile on his face.

"I haven't thought about that in years!" Steve finally manages between breaths.

"Yeah, you were what, six?"

"About. Didn't work, I still grew up."

"Yeah, but I doubt you'll need a measuring tape now..."


	132. Punched in the gut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Young Bucky and Steve

11 May Punched in the gut

Bucky is sitting outside the hospital room, the hallway was half in the dark, it was already late in the evening. Only a handful of lamps were on, one at the nurse's station one in middle of the hallway and one at the end. Sarah’s room was halfway between the end and middle. Steve is currently inside with her.

Bucky could see the nurses would occasionally glance at Bucky and then at the clock. They don't mind him being there, they are just surprised that Steve have not yet come out to declare the inevitable. Sarah Rogers is on her last breath. It's a matter of minutes, not even hours anymore.

Bucky, if he is honest must admit that he is a bit anxious, Sarah is sick, and Steve... Well he isn't known for his strong immune system.

Making his mind up he walks to the door and opens it. Inside Sarah is so small and pale in the bed. Steve is sitting next to her bed, holding her hand, fast asleep. He has been sitting there for a few hours now.

Bucky can't find it in him, to wake him up so he just walks closer and sits next to him. Taking off his jacket he puts it around Steve's small form.

Steve stirred but continues to sleep.

Bucky drifted off as well, when he is jostled awake.

"Ma?!" Steve frantically calls out and Bucky can hear laboured breathing. He leans forward and knows....

Steve clutches his mom's hand and it feels like getting punched in the gut for Bucky. Tears running down the man's face, trying to keep his mom alive just for a while longer.

Bucky didn't dare to touch him, he just stayed close.

The laboured breathing suddenly stops and it deadly quiet in the room. The silence broken by a sob and then Steve turns to Bucky.

"Buck... She's.... Sh.....g...."

"I know Steve. I'm so sorry." Bucky whispers and puts his arms around Steve who tried to bury him in Bucky’s chest as he cried.

Sarah Rogers died, on a Wednesday morning, in the cold hours of New York morning.


	133. Subject Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame

12 May Subject five

Bucky is sitting in the meeting, the other Avengers around him. They are still weary after the huge war, which most miraculously survived. Besides Sam and Bucky, Wanda and Hill are on the permanent basis of the Avengers. Scott and Hope will be 'in emergencies only.' That is completely understandable, they have a family, and they want to get started on being a family again. To be together. Hank and Janet is also there, Bucky read their files, they will be a huge asset to this new initiative. They would have been from the start, if Howard didn't get to greedy or proud and learned to play well with others.  
Then again, since Hank left, he never became part of most of the missions that lead to Howard being assassination. Hank didn't know about Hydra, so he fell off their radar.  
'Good for him.' That’s probably why he can be here today with his family.  
Bucky turns back to Fury as he turns a page.  
"Okay, subject five. Hand and Janet offered their services as consultants with the stipulation that we help the girl we know as Ava Starr, going by the name of Ghost."  
Everyone knows her, or about her.  
"Is she doing okay?" Wanda asks.  
"Yes, she is doing well, she was part of the one's who was snapped, she is currently in the specific designed room that can help her. We need more quantum particles to help her, but she is much better." Janet answers. Bucky would love to help her, but he isn't sure about the quantum aspects of it all. The less he has to do with that, the better.  
"That's good, I have no problem with that condition, I don't know about the others." Sam replies and everyone nods to that. No one has a problem with that.  
"Okay, that is decided then, I will give this information to Commander Rogers to add to the file. Moving on..."  
Oh yes, Bucky completely forgot about Steve. Well he didn't forget; he just ignores it and pretend it doesn't exist. Steve is joining them all, being a Commander, helping the new Avengers to set up.  
Bucky knows it won't matter what he says, if he doesn't like it, then he will be the one to leave. Everyone wants Steve back. They don't know about Bucky; they don't really care about him and he can't blame them. Which is why he already asked for a transfer, either back to Wakanda, like a liaison, or to the New Asgard. The new queen expressed her interest in working with them, along with Thor whenever he is back in this part of the universe. He knows he has skills that the New Asgard would benefit from.  
"Subject seven, Sergeant James Barnes requested a transfer....."


	134. Mineral content

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Civil War Wakanda

13 May Mineral content

The first thing Bucky is aware of when he wakes up is soft music playing. The next thing, is the voice of a young female singing along, her voice hardly louder than a whisper.

"Sergeant Barnes, how are you feeling? Are you thirsty? I have ordered some food and drinks, not sure what you would prefer."

Opening his eyes Bucky sits up on the bed. He is still in the lab, the same one, he was when he went into cryo. Princess Shuri is standing in front of the monitors, a smile on her face as she watches him. Music is playing from the overhead speakers. It's softer now.

"How long was I under for?"

"Long enough to remove all the triggers. You are fine now Sergeant."

"Bucky, please...."

Shuri keeps on smiling as a trolley was brought in, with an arrangement of food and drinks. Bucky finds himself ravenous and quite willing to try all the food.

"Knew you'd like it." Bucky turns to Shuri who was looking smug, she has been watching him, and clearly his willingness to eat showed on his face.

"Are you sure, about the words...?"

Shuri moved from her table to stand next to the trolley, he was still sitting, but pulled the trolley a bit forward. Unconsciously still trying to keep a barrier between him and others. Shuri narrowed her eyes and moved around the trolley to sit on to bed.

"Yes, I am fully confident, but tell you what, eat something, have something to drink and then we can discuss it in detail. Sounds good?"

Bucky nods. He has so many questions. How long was he under for? Where is Steve? Are the words really out? Does Steve know?

The princess is right though, is she's right, there is plenty of time to ask. He looks at the food and drinks and decides on something small, a glass of juice.

"I've chosen all these foods especially for its mineral content and vitamins as well as protein and all that. It should be enough for your metabolism. If not, let me know, so I can get more."

"Thank you. I really...thank you."

"You're welcome."

Shuri watches as he starts with the sweet food first, the puddings and ice-cream. He clearly has a sweet tooth....


	135. It's not funny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kid Bucky

14 May It’s not funny

It's not as if Bucky wants to laugh or doing it on purpose but he couldn't help it.

"It's not funny!" Becca yells as loud as she could, her eyes blazing with anger that makes Bucky realize his little five-year-old sister, has an anger streak that could rival Steve's...

"I'm sorry Becca, but it is a little funny...." Bucky tries but instantly regrets it when a shoe is thrown his way. He ducks out of the way and runs out the room.

He keeps laughing as he picks up his school bag and runs out the house with just a "Bye Ma!" He usually runs to Steve's home and together they walk to school.

He is still giggling when he arrives at the Roger's house.

Steve is waiting outside for him.

"What's so funny?" Steve asks instead of greeting him.

Bucky looks around to make sure there won't be any shoes flying in his direction.

"Ma, has been saying she needs to take Becca to get her hair cut so Becca....." Bucky starts laughing loudly again, wiping his eye'.

"Buck.."

"Sorry....so she.... Took Ma's sowing scissors and cut her fringe, it's off Steve, there's nothing, just a short tuff of bristles..." Bucky burst out laughing and even Steve joins in.

"What did your Ma do?"

"She was livid Steve, absolutely livid, she is taking her to the hairdresser to see if they can't salvage what's left."

"Oh my word, she's lucky she isn't in school yet, they wouldn't stop teasing her."

Bucky nods, finally able to stop laughing enough to talk.

"Yeah, Ma is already planning to buy a hat for Sunday's church service."

"Poor Becca, bet she won't do it ever again."

"Yeah, I think she learned her lesson too, but I can tell you one thing Steve, she has great aim...."


	136. Rudimentary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kid Bucky

15 May Rudimentary

Bucky is wearing a pair of fake glasses they picked up at the garbage bin outside in the alley. In his hand is a piece of paper and a short pencil.  
Steve is dressed in one of Bucky's coats, way too big for him, but the sleeves rolled up, so his hands weren't covered. He was holding a broken piece of glass tied to a stick to give the illusion of a makeshift magnetic glass.  
"What's you got there Holmes?" Bucky asks trying to make an accent, but failing miserably.  
Steve is looking down at a piece of gum wrapper on the ground.  
"Well, it looks like the same wrapper at the crime scene my dear Watson, we are close to finding the culprit." Steve replies also with a fake accent, although he does it better than Bucky.  
"Marvellous my dear fellow, quite marvellous..." Bucky answers back and pretends to write something down in his 'notebook'.  
"Are you taking notes Watson?"  
"But if course my dear Holmes, but of course."  
"That's good, the public may learn something my dear Watson."  
"How can they not, my dear fellow?"  
Bucky and Steve continue to play in the backyard the whole afternoon. Solving crimes and getting the bad guys when Sarah came home and watch the two from the kitchen window. It was just 'my dear' this and 'my dear' that... She couldn't keep herself from laughing softly as she makes a small but tasty dinner. She knew when Steve asks Bucky to read to him the new Sherlock Holmes book, when he was sick last month, it would lead to this.  
It was getting late when she finally had to call them in, there was a slight breeze in the air too. She didn't want to take any chances.  
At the table she asks them all about the adventures and crimes they solved.  
Bucky and Steve share a look after Sarah asks how they manage to figure out the clues, they answered the same time.  
"It’s rudimentary my dear."  
"Elementary.” She automatically corrected. Bucky frowns and replies.  
"Maybe there ma'am but in America it's rudimentary, cause Sherlock said the Americans are rude, I’m just authentic.”  
“I did not!” Steve yelled. Bucky glance to him.  
“Of course not my Holmes, I meant the other Holmes, over the pond.”   
Sarah couldn't help the burst of laughter at that answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a huge Doyle fan


	137. Long list

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two years while Bucky was on the run  
> Quite a small drabble, but I still love it.

16 may Long list

Bucky is sitting at his kitchen table, his notebook open in front of him, a packed of chocolate digestive biscuits next to the book. Already half empty.

Bucky has no problem to eat a whole packet in one sitting.

The radio is on, playing some soft melody. Bucky is paging through the pages; this book is his pre Hydra days. Ever since his memory had been coming back more and more, he tries to sort his memories in different notebooks.

Hydra itself has about three books as he tries to put his missions in one, his handlers in another and the techniques they used on him in another.

Then there is the pre-Hydra that is also about three books, the Howlies in one, his family in the other and then Steve....

Steve is the one that he fills up the quickest. Steve and Hydra.

Right now he is writing down memories in his childhood days, where he and Steve made plans to see the world. They found an atlas once and dreamed about all the places they wanted to see 'one day'.

Once done, Bucky looks at the list and makes a tick at each place. It was a long list, and because of Hydra, he has seen all these places. He killed there.... With Steve it was a dream. With Hydra, it became a nightmare.

Bucky slams the book close and gets up. He is done for the day.

With the rest of his biscuits he goes out to the balcony and looks over the city. He has been here before, many years ago, but it is also the place where he feels the most blended in. It may not last for long, but right now, it is his little corner of the world.


	138. Greenery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 before Steve joined.

17 may Greenery

One of the first things Bucky had to get accustomed to was the way that Europe was so different from New York. Even the old farm in Shelbyville where they visited when he was a small boy. This was so much different. The greenery was not exactly foreign, but it wasn't home, it was not what he was used to. He was used to buildings and traffic, to noise and people in the streets. This was....quiet, old.... And have a history that was hundreds of years old. Bucky would swear up and down that he can feel it in the air. All those legends in the books...suddenly they were real. Just like the sound of gunfire and cannons.

"They say winter is coming early this year."

Bucky takes another drag from this cigarette and turns to Falsworth next to him.

"Is this supposed to be summer?" Bucky asks before he could stop himself. He went to bed cold every night since he came here. It's wet and raining half the time. This can't be summer.

"Late summer, early autumn, it's a bit drier than last year." Falsworth answers also smoking his cigarette, the smoke slowly rising above them.

"You know, I don't know if you're serious Falsworth or shitting me." Bucky replies after a moment. Falsworth smiles around his cigarette and winks at Bucky.

"Yeah, that's the point, is it not?" Falsworth answers and flicks his cigarette away before walking back to the camp. Bucky frowns and gives him a look before flicking his own cigarette. Is it not, no it is not, it's ain't it... Bucky turns around and yells back.

"It's ain't!"

"No, it is not, my good Sergeant." Falsworth comments back before disappearing under the flap of his tent.

"Yes it is!"

Bucky looks back to the treeline and notice the white specks in the distance. Great, snow too.... He hates it here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know 'aint it' is not right, but come on.... i'm giving this one to Bucky


	139. Foam party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's two year alone before Civil War

18 may foam party

The pamphlet is waiting for Bucky as he opens the door and looks down. Closing the door behind him, he puts his few grocery bags on the small table before picking it up.

It was an invitation, more like a 'everyone's invited' to the local block foam party.

Bucky knows what a foam party is, and he has no desire to go to on. Or to be in a motel where one will be held. That is high risk, which is asking for trouble. He had enough trouble to last him a lifetime, thank you very much.

Bucky looks at the date. Its two weeks from now. He just has to make sure he is gone by then.

Sighing he throws the pamphlet away and starts to unpack. San Francisco is so nice this time of the year and now he needs to move on.

Then again, he has been on this side of the country for a while now, probably time to move on.

Well, that's next week's problem.

Taking a microwave dinner, he pierce the plastic film and put it in the microwave.

Next he pours himself a glass of soda and puts the TV on.

With the meal ready he takes it with the soda to the small sofa and sits down.

"Tonight, on the news. the Avengers are at another public meeting in downtown New York. This even is led by Tony Stark is revealing another milestone in technology. The Avengers are here to support the new initiative that would help thousands of children's lives, with the new breakthrough in hospital procedures. This new machine, enables ten times more accurate surgeries to be made....." Bucky quickly shuts the TV off, with the remote when they started to show the Avengers. The widow he recognized immediately, but the moment the camera tilted to Steve, he couldn't watch anymore. He can't.... Seeing Steve... He sees him enough in his dreams and every time a memory comes back. He can't....

The pain... The longing.....

He can’t....

Steve is better off without him. Look how well he is doing. Bucky can't....


	140. Judiciary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame   
> angry at Steve, still

19 May Judiciary

Two weeks. It took two weeks for the world to remember that technically Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes also known as the Winter Soldier was alive. Again and in the states. On top of that, the Accords were still on the table, but that wasn't what interests the authorities or the Judiciary System of America.   
No.   
He was still a fugitive and wanted for war crimes.

Fury is the one who had some kindness in him left and he called Bucky, he warned him.   
Fury said that if Bucky can meet him at midnight at a designated location, he can Bucky an untraceable phone and help him to get to a safe and secure place. He wants to help Bucky clear his name.   
Bucky is not an idiot, he knows Fury wants to help him, he knows if he can get Bucky back, which he will, sooner or later, Bucky will join his team.   
Until then, he needs to lay down.   
So, he accepts the offer, he will be gone by tomorrow. No one will know. Fury asked him if he should tell anyone, is there anyone he trusts....   
No. He trusts Shuri and T'Challa to keep the secret, but he will not place them in a position to lie on his behalf. He can't do that to them.   
Then there is Sam. They're just finding an equilibrium in their relationship, some sort of common ground and now, Bucky has to leave again. Sam has enough on his plate, he can't add more. He won't.   
Then there is Steve....   
The less Bucky says about that, the better. 

He takes his bag, one bag, that is all he has... He has one bag, and Steve have a house with furniture, a legacy, kids and grandkids, a hell lot more than a bag.   
That's okay... That doesn't matter. Not anymore.   
With his bag he walks down the stairs to leave the house. He has no one to say goodbye to. Once downstairs he hears two voices. Sam and Steve are back from their walk. Shit.   
Well...   
Turns out he does have someone to say goodbye to.   
"Buck, going somewhere?"   
Steve asks with a soft old age smile and Bucky wants to take his vibranium arm and rips it off his face.   
He shuffles the bag then look Steve straight in the eye.   
"Well, since you conveniently forgot, your old pal, your buddy is still a wanted man, for several war crimes. Not to mention the Accords. Tell me, when you went back, did you ever think about what would happen to me when all is said and done? Did you even give a fuck?" Both Sam and Steve's eyes widen in shock.  
"Buck..."  
"Don't Buck me. You know, you have probably forgot all about that jet ride, when I told you I didn't think I was worth this...well...turns out I was right. I was worth nothing to you, our friendship was worth nothing to you."  
"That's not true."  
"The fuck it is!" Bucky yells loudly.   
Bucky takes a deep breath.   
"Doesn't matter, I need to disappear, there is a warrant for my arrest. Doubt I will see you guys soon, so take care. Whatever."  
"Buck, don't go, please. Not like this." Steve begs but Bucky just stares at him.   
"Like what? Should I wait here so they can arrest me? Offer them tea and biscuits and swap out stories about our wonderful lives, and children and grandchildren.... No wait... That's you. You can do it...remember, extra sugar so you don't become bitter like me..." Bucky mocked in a tone that surprised both men. Steve looks like he wants to cry.   
"Where are you going, is there anyone that can help you?" Sam asks softly, he didn't try to stop him. He won't be able to. He knows Fury is the one who contacted Bucky to warn him.   
"No. There is one person that knows. He will make sure I get a fighting chance leaving the country. The rest is all on me, but don't you worry Sam, turns out I have always been on my own." Without waiting he walks past them out the door. Steve tried to reach out to him, but he was too old, too slow and his hands too fragile to grab. Sam watch the figures walking down the street before disappearing between the groups of people. Steve is still standing in the hallway, tears in his eyes and hands that didn't stop shaking.


	141. graveyards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two year before Civil War   
> Bucky remembers  
> SAD

20 may Graveyards

Bucky have been responsible for putting a lot of people in these places. Graveyards.

Tombstones upon tombstones that fails to sum up an entire life in a few words on a stone slab. A name, a number, a date. In the end, that is all we are.

The stories, the mannerism is left for loved ones staying behind until they forgot, and they die.

By then, hardly anyone will know how your laugh used to sound early in the morning or how you would talk to yourself as you made your first cup of coffee.

Ever since Bucky started to remember he would find where his victims were buried, the innocent ones. He would stand in front of the tombstone and he would apologize. He will write down the name, and something he remembers about them. Maybe the colour tie they were wearing and wondering if it was their favourite. The shoes the women would have one, and wonder if they hurt her toes.

Not today though.

Today he didn't need to write down the name.

He knows it. It was parent's grave. He knew his Pa would love to tell them stories in the evenings after dinner. He knows his mom's one hand had a few callouses on her hands from doing hard work in home. Her nails short as she would bake bread.

Bucky looks around and puts down the small bouquet.

"Hey Ma, PA, know it's been a while since I visited. Did some traveling.... Anyway, I'm here now... I remember much more than before... Do you remember the day I came home from school and forgot my shoes at school...."

Bucky may have a strong dislike in graveyards, yet they are the places he can be vulnerable and open, and no one would see or care.


	142. unexpected surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two year recovery in Wakanda  
> a happy one....

21 may unexpected surprise

The day was hot. Wakanda is experiencing a heat wave and Bucky decided to take a break from his chores and went to the smaller lake about three kilometres from his hut. It was more secluded than the other one, and more difficult to get access too. Which is perfect for Bucky.

He does not mind the people coming to swim but sometimes the kids can get a bit busy, trying to get his attention. He gives it, but today, he just wants to swim in peace.

At the lake he finds a rock and kicked off his shoes and trousers. Looking around he makes sure he is completely alone before taking the rest of his clothes off. Super hearing is good for some things.

Making sure his clothes is out of the way, he takes a deep breath before diving into the cool water. It is heavenly. Even with one arm, Bucky is able to swim with good strong strokes around the lake. Closing his eyes, he spread his arm out and floats on the water. The water softly splashing against his skin. It is so relaxing.

Bucky must have been floating for a while when he felt something different in the air. His body tensed up and he sunk into the water. Kicking his legs, he makes sure to keep head above water. He was quiet, the water hardly rippled.

He slowly starts from one side then slowly turns around to see what is different.

It is at the rock where his clothes are.

Bucky sighs.

A big lump of muscle with blonde hair and a wide smile, staring at Bucky.

“You are such a punk!” Bucky calls out and Steve bursts out laughing.

“Sorry, didn’t meant to scare you.” Steve replies as Bucky swims closer, smiling at his friend.

“How long have you been here?” Bucky asks resting his arm on the rock, looking up at Steve who is sitting cross legged on the rock.

“About five minutes. Just enough to sit down and pretend I’ve been here for hours.”

“Oh… I didn’t know you were coming; didn’t expect you till next week. Everything okay?” Bucky asks while studying Steve a bit closer. He looks tired, but not injured. Steve opens his arms so Bucky can get study him properly.

“Yeah… there was a sudden change of plans, we got done a bit earlier. So, I thought to come and surprise you.” Satisfied Bucky’s body relaxed, and he nods.

“It’s an unexpected surprise, thank you. You can help me feed the goats then tonight.”

“Work for my dinner you mean?”

“Absolutely, I will even teach you how to milk them.”

“Jerk.” Steve answers and watch with fondness as Bucky laughs softly. He still made no attempt to get out of the water.

“Aren’t you coming out?” Steve asks.

“Aren’t’ you coming in?” Bucky retorts. Steve rolls his eyes and after a few seconds of staring at each other Steve got up and starts to undress.

Bucky makes a huge show of swimming to one side and putting his hand over his eyes.

“You’re. Still. The. Biggest. Jerk.” Steve emphasizes with each clothing that he removes. Bucky just shrugs and keeps on laughing.

They only made it back to the hut in the late afternoon, swimming the rest of the day. Oh yes, Steve did manage to milk one goat.


	143. change it up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

22 may change it up

The mess hall was noisy and filled with laughter. Bucky and the rest were sitting together with big plates of food. They can't remember the last time they had so much food. They were imprisoned for weeks, then trekked through the forests for three days back to the base. The hope of being safe and the joy of being free was enough to was enough to keep them up. Once back, all bets were off. The cooks worked hard to feed a few troops.

Bucky is one of them. He is sitting at the table with the rest, DumDum and Gabe, Falsworth....everyone. They were laughing and eating the food. It is the best meal ever.

Occasionally they would glance at the entrance waiting for their Captain to join them, even though he isn't their official leader, yet.

DumDum is the first to notice him and made a big noise. Everyone joined in and Bucky saw the blush on Steve's face a mile away. His ears must be two flaming fires.

"Hey guys." He greets and sit down at the space they made for him, suddenly there is a opening next to Bucky and a plate with food.

Steve looks at the plate and glance at Bucky. Bucky saw the statement. _'we've never had such a big plate of food back home_ '. Bucky gives him a soft push with his arm.

 _'I know Steve, eat up_.' Steve smiles shyly before picking up his fork and started to eat.

DumDum who is watching the two, gave them two minutes to eat before bombarding them with questions.

Steve tries his best to answer all of them, what happened in the meeting with him and Philips and Agent Carter. Steve tells them about his plan to start his own team. With the men they just rescued, with them all sitting around that table. Bucky and everyone look around, and knows it was a tall order, but if anyone can do it, it's probably Steve.

"Well, Cap, if anyone can change it up around here, it's you."

Steve blushes again and Bucky wants to tell him, he should work on it, if he continues to blush so easily, the boys will have a field day with him.

"I hope so Dugan, I hope so."

"DumDum Cap, we're friends now." DumDum replies with vigour that Steve just accepted.

Bucky knew that this moment, this moment is where history is about to change. Steve is going to ask them if they are willing to follow him, and they are going to say yes. It's obvious, but Steve will have doubts. He will have doubts because he isn't used to people following him, or even accepting him. He is going to talk to Bucky, and Bucky will try to convince him, Bucky is the one that will have to make Steve believe in not only these men, but also himself. After all, Bucky has believed in him since he was a boy.


	144. MEME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During Civil war

23 may Meme

Bucky was sitting in the glass cell, there was no other word for it. It was a glass cell. A glorified jail. He already heard the rumours; they were going to take him to the raft and make sure the key gets thrown away. He knows about the raft. He has been on the raft, once. A few years ago, and with a handler, Pearce. His last handler.

He surrendered in that street; he shouldn't have. But Steve.....

Always Steve.

He knew the moment he threw his cards in with Steve's he would end up either dead, or in jail.

Turns out he was right, even decades later.

If it was jail because of fighting, he expected Steve to be with him.

Steve is, though, but he was on the outside. He was out looking in, not a scratch on him.

Just as well.

The other side of the jail was that if Bucky was alone, that would have meant someone found out about his feelings for Steve. It was illegal back then, and jail was the better option of what could happen.

Bucky spent many nights in his life terrified that he wasn't as subtle as he would have liked. That someone saw something, or worse Steve found out and called the cops himself, disgust in his eyes as he looked at Bucky.

That didn't happen either.

Now decades later he was in jail. For dozens of murders and treason and what else. The list is long.

Bucky close his eyes and opens it again. His eyes caught the guard and the man practically covers in fear. Just like everyone else who sees him, except Steve, and Sam.

There's a meme in there somewhere, he knows there is. He has spent enough time in this new world, and on the internet to know every moment is a potential for a meme. The warehouse door opens and Steve walks through with a bunch of other SHIELD agents. And UN, and so many more. Even the window is there.

Yeah. He is not only screwed, he is going to be made into an example, of what he isn't sure yet. But he should have run away before today. He knew he shouldn't have got comfortable in that flat. He should have run the moment he noticed Steve in his flat. He had the plans and routes memorized, but still, he stood still. He waited till Steve turned around, desperate to see those eyes that face. And what's it going to cost him?

A few seconds of blue eyes and a lifetime of jail. Bucky locks eyes with Steve over the floor and between all the men.

Bucky sighs. He knew he was a goner on that man. Even now. It was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to repost, posted a different chapter, sorry


	145. 17 entries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two year on the run

24 may 17 entries

Bucky push the trolley with the loaded food towards the till. The cashier gave him a slanted look that he ignored as he unpacks the boxes of food. It was all bulk.

"Hey man, are you planning a trip in some remote area with no shops?"

"It isn't for me." Bucky answers back as the cashier puts it through the scanner.

"Ah, let me guess, some Bible camp or sponsorship."

"Something like that."

"Say no more man, say no more, you're in luck though."

Bucky frowns, he hasn't been in any type of luck for nearly 80 years.

"Excuse me?"

"The competition. With every hundred dollars you get an entry into the big prize! It's awesome man!"

"Oh, that's great, what is the prize?"

"That's the secret, it's a secret draw, worth ten thousand dollars."

"Right."

Bucky answers as the cashier - Tobias - according to the name tag rings it all up.

"That would be $1789, 69 please. Man, that's like 17 entries. That's your lucky number man, I can feel it."

Bucky froze a moment and wants to laugh, 17 is not a lucky number for him. Pushing it down he hands him the cash; Hydra bases is full of stacks of cash and Bucky will use it wisely.

"Keep the change."

"Thanks, oh, if you can write your name and number on this paper for the draw please." with a smile Bucky takes the slip and writes down quickly before folding it up and placing it in the basket. With one last smile he walks out with the trolley full of food. He pushes it down to the end of the street and goes down the alleyway.

Waking up the first homeless man, sleeping under a box in one corner he points to the trolley.

"Use it wisely. Feed all." Without waiting for an answer, he walks away, nibbling on a chocolate bar.

Three weeks later in New York Steve gets a call.

"Mr. Rogers, congratulations you've won our secret prize, you've entered some time ago. Your message on the slip is quite interesting.

"Hey punk, give it to Tobias in till 7." What on earth is the meaning?"


	146. Friends of...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery in Wakanda

25 may Friends of…

This is his idea. Bucky suggested it. Why? Fuck knows, because Bucky doesn't. He doesn't have a clue what went through his mind to suggest it.

Clearly, he is still a few ingredients short of a baked cake. Clearly.

Bucky looks around the hut, to make sure everything is fine. She's coming too, and she can snoop, she is a master in it. But....she won't, not tonight. She will respect Steve and won't do anything that will make him upset. She sees Steve as a confidant, a partner, a sort of trusted handler, he knows, because she once thought of him like that. Many years ago. She was still so so young.

There are extra towels in the bathroom, he even went to the market to get those small bottles of hand wash and hand cream.

He likes the summer breeze okay... He is allowed to.

The place is spotless.

But still....

It's friends of Steve.

Not Bucky. The last time he saw them, he tried to kill them, well, not the Falcon, they fought side by side. But the Fal... No Sam... Is Steve's best friend, his partner on missions, his wingman on nights out, he is who Bucky once was.

Bucky can't believe he actually invited them to come with Steve, to have dinner with them. Sitting around the fire, sharing a beer, talk about... About what?

Shit.. He shouldn't have.

He isn't ready.

What if...

Bucky stops as he tilts his head, he heard something in the distance.

It's Sam.

He is nagging Steve as if he was serious that Bucky invited them. Natasha speaks as well and Bucky can hear she's nervous too. Steve is trying his best to make them as relaxed as possible. Bucky sighs.

Maybe he is ready, maybe it will be okay. Straightening his back, he makes sure his arm is still covered with the pinned shirt. He makes his way outside. It will be fine.


	147. seasonal growth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Winter Soldier  
> Bucky's thoughts

26 may Seasonal growth

This is what I've been reduced to, notes and letters, memories and strange words in notebooks. Trying somehow to rebuild the pieces in my mind. To come to terms with what happened to me, with what was done to me and trying to find a way forward.

Memories of you keep breaking through my mind like sledgehammers. I try to remember my sister or my folks, and I would grasp them with my fingertips. I would be so close to make out the colour of my mother's eyes and then, wham, your eyes would stare back at me.

I would hold my sister’s hand as we walk across the street, hear her laughter but when I look to my side, I would be looking at you.

I've decided there's only one thing to do, and that is too completely surrender to the memories of you. Maybe then, once I remember you fully, I will be permitted to remember the rest.

After all, you remember your heart, first don't you?

Looking back, throughout my memories my feelings for you, came developed like nature and the seasonal growth they surrender to.

Like I surrendered to you.

I did not fall in love with instantly, I grew up loving you.

One day, your hand wasn't just another hand that patted me on the back or handed me my coffee. It became the hands that wrapped around me, and demanded my full attention.

Your laughter didn't just become another joyful sound of someone happy, it became my way to discern between real joy, and false laughter.

I know now, that it has always been you, and once I remembered that memory, the rest came back.

Now, I remember it all, everything with you, was the key to everything else.

Isn't that the most tragic of them all? You're the memory that counts, but it's a memory that doesn't ease the debt.


	148. A late night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2   
> Bucky hiding things from Steve and Peggy

27 may A late night

Bucky has been sitting on his bed for a while now. Everyone is outside doing stuff, some talking with others, DumDum is playing a poker game down at the armoury. Gabe is practicing a new melody on his harmonica. Everyone has something to do, except Bucky. Well he has, there is something he can do, and he is a few days behind on his letters home. His socks need to be mended as soon as possible. His jersey over his shirt needs a good wash down, many things. He doesn't want to any of that.

What he really wants to do is to talk to Steve, talk to him like back in Brooklyn. Just the two of them heart to heart. Bucky has a few cobwebs in his mind and Steve always knew the best way to get some clearance about stuff. Bucky can always talk to him.

He wants to tell him about the experiments, he wants to tell him about the things Zola said. The thing is, something is different about him. He can feel it. It scares him.

He also knows he can't just talk about it to anyone, but if there is someone he can talk to, it is Steve. Steve will understand and make sense of it. Steve will keep his mouth shut.

Jumping up he leaves the tent to make his way to the offices he knows Steve will be in. He said he is working late tonight. They will have privacy there.

The offices are silent, everyone is gone, except the room at the back. One light is on, Steve's...

Bucky walks down the hallway and stops in the doorway, looking in. Steve is sitting hunch over some maps and books, occasionally jotting something down.

He is truly beautiful Bucky thinks. Once so small, now he can take on several men his size and still win.

"Are you going to stare at me the whole night?" Bucky jumps slightly, he didn't realize he was in thought as Steve been watching him for a while apparently.

"A late night?"

Steve smiles and closes the books.

"Yeah, I've been trying to think of a strategy we can use for the next mission, it's more secluded, I want to keep the elements of surprise you know."

"Yeah, you and your plans." Bucky answers and steps in as Steve waves him in.

"Shall we go get some coffee; I know that look."

"What look?" Bucky tries to look innocent but fails.

"You know what look, let's go get some coffee and find a place to be quiet."

"Yeah, okay..." Bucky replies and turns around. As the walk down the hallway Peggy came walking in, carrying a flask of some alcohol.

"Gentlemen." She greets and the greet her back. Bucky glance at Steve and sighs, he just lost Steve's attention.

"Am I interrupting?"

"Oh, me and Bucky was just...." Steve started but Bucky interrupted him

"Talking about getting some extra rations for the upcoming mission. The base is more secluded so I don't think it would be wise to try and catch something in the wild. Steve agrees as we need the element of surprise, anyway. I was just going. You two have a good night." Bucky replies and tries his best to keep his face neutral and his smile as real as possible.

Peggy narrows her eyes looking from one to the other. Steve looks momentarily confuse before looking back at Bucky then at Peggy, his brow furrowing deep.

"Are you sure? I can always come back later?"

"No no... It's late already, I have to be up early, on duty.... Anyhow... Good night Agent Carter, Captain..."

"Buck..." Steve tries to grab Bucky by the arm, but he was too quick slipping past Peggy and out the door.

"Is Sergeant Barnes all right?" Peggy asks as they watch him walk back to his tent. Steve offered him to share a room with him, but Bucky declined. Steve hates sleeping in his big room alone while the other sleep in tents. He much prefers them together in the field, sleeping in tents or under the stars with the rest of them.

Bucky didn't hear his answer as he was too far gone and already hearing the men in their tent. One of the things he is worried about Amis how good his hearing is, these days.


	149. Blank space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> not a good one.

28 may Blank space

Bucky is sitting on the edge of the building, his feet dangling off. The big city is around him, tall skyscrapers and building around him. In the far distance is Central Park, a bit of green in the otherwise metal jungle.

He has no idea what he is doing here, probably looking for some semblance of the old. Some answers to the absolute heartbreak inside of him. This was once his home. This was once the only place he felt safe. Down those streets he would run and walk, talk to people with Steve by his side. The small and sick boy, who would wrap Bucky around his finger and have complete control over him.

Somewhere it all went horribly wrong.

Somewhere that small and wonderful boy, turned into Collage of muscles and selfishness. Something happened to that boy who captured Bucky's heart and replaced it with some version Bucky couldn't stand to see.

He hasn't seen Steve since he walked away that day by the lake. It's been a several weeks, almost four months.

Sam sees Steve daily, or at least a couple of times a week. Every time Bucky talks to Sam it's the same. _'He asks about you. He wants to see you. He misses you. He wants to hear your voice. He couldn't wait to see you again.'_

And every time Bucky would answer the same.

"I don't care. I don't want to see him. He survived more than half of his life without my voice and face for decades, he can survive the rest too." Sam would then get that sad look. The look Bucky nearly hates as much as Steve these days. That looks that says, 'I know you are hurt. I know you feel betrayed, but I also think he learned his lesson by now.'

Bucky ignores the looks and go on with his life.

That is, until tonight, earlier the day, Sam sent him a message.

_'Steve had a heart attack, he is in hospital, and it doesn't look good. You should come."_

Bucky wants to cry, he wants to yell, but he is too empty. He can't. He spent so much time in therapy telling him, he can make his own decisions, he can make his own choices and live with it. The question now is, can he live with it, if Steve dies tonight or tomorrow or soon and Bucky didn't give in and saw him one last time? Bucky looks down to his hands.

The truthful answer?

He does not know. Maybe, maybe not. If he can great, he has enough other things to keep him awake at night.

If not, great, he has enough of other things to keep him awake at night, one more thing won't hurt.

Besides, it's not as if he has decades to live. He won't grow old, not like Steve. He won't get the family life. He is made into a machine, a weapon, now he can choose who tells him to point and shoot. There is a reason they say, live by the sword, die by the sword.

The message tone beeps again.

Sam.

_"They told the family to come. COME."_

Oh...

He isn't family.

Maybe once. But not anymore.

If Steve dies tonight, no one will ever see him again. Not Sam, not Fury, no one. He has spent the past few months getting his stuff in order. He will disappear. Permanently.

With or without seeing him one last time.

There will be a blank space where Bucky once was.

Another message. It was a voice note.

"Buck....please... I don't have.... Long.... Please.... What....ever.... I've... Done.... Please.... I... Miss... You... So... Much.... God.... I've.... Been waiting for you.... To see... You... For years.."

Bucky swallows but the lump won't go down. The view is blurry as tears run down his face.

Standing up he looks at the phone one last time before letting it slip out his hands falling down the several stories before it shatters on the ground.

Looking up he takes in the view one last time before he turns around and walks into the night.

Never to be found again.


	150. WIFI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after Winter Soldier  
> small tidbit. not much happening, but still an insight in Bucky's habits.

29 May Wi-fi

One of the best things that Bucky enjoys about the new world, and being free in it, is the WIFI.   
He has to admit that he is quite the internet junkie and tech savvy. Well he had to he, before. Hacking and doing Hydra's dirty work. It was not always point and shoot. It was sometimes infiltration as well.  
He was good, still is. Even if he has to say so himself.  
The first thing he would do if he enters a town is to check where the best free and strongest WIFI is, and then finds a place nearby. For some reason, it is always either at the nightclubs, or the local hangout for the gamers.  
Breaking the password is quick and takes him about four minutes to get in, and set up his own firewall and IP blockers. He is truly untraceable.  
Next up is hacking into the news and agencies to see what the latest information is they have on him.  
Nothing more than what the widow dumped back in DC, all those months ago...  
Besides an occasional sighting here and there, Bucky can rest assured that he is still in the wind so to speak.   
The clothes cover him good, and the gloves work perfectly.  
After he has spent an hour or so, looking for which agency and what polices station has what on him, he moves on.   
Hacking into the Stark server is near impossible, but not completely impossible. He just has to work for it.   
Tony is in his lab, working on another suit, Dr. Banner is researching the gamma rays and how Steve's serum, differs from his. Besides the obvious. Bucky wants to tell him to stop, that it is futile. There is so many variations of the serum attempted, he should just be glad, he isn't a monster full time, like he is.   
His hand shakes as he goes to find Steve. He is in his room, reading a book, music is playing. The book art throughout the century. Bucky can already smell the charcoal and the pencil shavings. Steve should paint now; he has colour now. He will be so good at it. Bucky wishes he could tell him. Instead he just logs out and puts his equipment away, before leaving the room to find something to eat.


	151. choir practice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid Bucky

30 may choir practice

Bucky knew this latest development would make Steve’s day. He has been in bed for nearly a week now, due to the latest bout of cold, flu, or whatever it is this season. According to old aunt Milly in church, every season has its own dreaded disease, worse than the previous year. No one pays her attention anymore. She’s a real doomsayer according to his folks. One would wonder why she goes to church, probably the latest gossip.

Bucky gets to the small apartment building Steve and his Ma stays and skips every second step as he makes his way up. Sarah is on her shift at the hospital, and Bucky promised her, he would come to Steve straight after church. He even slipped out during the last hymn to be earlier than normal.

He knows where the key is, so he let himself in.

“Steve!” He yells as he closes the door behind him, locking it again.

“Here, same place as yesterday…” Steve replies with a hint of bitterness. Bucky sighs, Steve is so fed up with being cooped up in this place for so long. Walking towards Steve’s bedroom he notices that Steve looks much better already. He is still pale, but the fever has finally broken last night. Now, it is just to regain his lost strength. Next to the bed is a glass of water, almost empty and a bowl with the last dregs of some oatmeal.

“How are you feeling? You look much better. Did you finish that drawing?” Bucky asks right after the other as he sits down. Steve rolls his eyes but hands him his sketchpad.

“Yeah, about an hour ago, thought I will make it a series, like those in the museum.”

“Oh, those that is all part of one painting, or one…thing?” Bucky asks pulling a face, he can’t remember so good, he wasn’t paying as much attention as Steve.

“Something like that Buck. You should pay more attention.”

“Can’t, besides, I have you.” Bucky retorts with a smile and handing the sketch pad bag before standing up and taking the empty bowl and glass.

“Want refills? Let’s see what we can make to eat.”

“I want to come too, I’m sick and tired of this bed.”

Bucky looks at Steve.

“You better wrap up tightly in the blanket ya hear, only want to see your eyes and nose.” Bucky orders as he walks to the kitchen. Steve pulled a face but did as Bucky asks, mumbling under his breath.

Once in the kitchen, Bucky warms some broth for both to eat, with a slice of bread for each.

“How was church?” Steve asks once he had a hot bowl in his hands, sitting at the table, and as promised, only his face and now hands were out.

“Bleh, the same, oh…. Sister Helen asked my Ma if she ever considered letting me join the choir. She wants me to come to choir practice to audition.”

As he suspected Steve burst out laughing, nearly choking on his broth.

“You…singing!”

“Hey, I got an angelic voice, I have you know.”

“Sure Buck. May I suggest you don’t practice for your audition now, I just got better.”

“Eat your broth and shush it.” Bucky admonished but he couldn’t keep the smile of his face, he knew it would make Steve smile.


	152. Worker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 Era

31 may worker

Today is the day, Bucky is going to hit someone on his own team, and it looks like it will be either Steve, or Agent Carter. Actually, anyone that is going to be stupid enough to cross his path.   
The mission was simple, supposedly. ‘Infallible’ according to Agent Carter. The rest had their doubts. Hydra is everything but infallible, is not one of them.   
They siege the factory, but it was empty of soldiers, only the last workers remaining. But still, their allegiance is to Hydra. That makes all the difference. Bucky had his doubts, so did a few of the other men. Some men were taken against their will. They were taken from their families and expected to work, just like the 107th were, back in Azzano. Agent Carter and Steve and Phillips, don’t forget the good old Colonel, still felt the need that they should be imprisoned and taken back to camp for interrogation. It was the first time there was trouble among the Howlies, that the well-oiled machine wasn’t running as smoothly as they usually do. 

As Sergeant, Bucky was in the middle, he was the link between the captain and the rest of the troops. He has so tried so many times to talk to both groups, to explain the situation, but how can he, when he himself doesn’t understand it all. The men didn't like the idea of the worker being a prisoner, and Steve and Carter were adamant. The 'prisoner' is coming with.   
It all came to one big blow-up the morning when Bucky went to check up on the worker, the prisoner, and found him dead. He managed to kill himself during the night, he bit his own wrists and bled out.   
Bucky was furious. He was beyond angry as he marched up to where the men was having breakfast, Carter was standing next to Steve, both with a map in their hands.   
“Are you happy now?” Bucky yells and the whole camp froze. Steve and Peggy turned to him.   
“I beg your pardon.” Carter replies.   
Bucky practically snarled at her.  
“The worker is dead.”

That seems to get everyone’s attention.  
“He was fine last night Sergeant. I personally checked on him.” Peggy replies her hands on her hips.   
“Well, he is dead. He killed himself!”   
Steve was visibly upset by the news, walking towards Bucky who took a step back from them. His eyes burned into Steve’s.  
“You know, you two are so desperate for war and fighting, we tried to tell you, he was innocent.”   
“Not that innocent if you took a cyanide pill.” Peggy growls out.  
“He didn’t. He bit through his own wrist, he bled to death and you know what, that’s on you, and Phillips, and Steve here. We told you he was taken from his family, just like us. Forced to work, but now…what do we grunts now right…” Bucky snarls at her. Steve flinches and Bucky could see the men were shocked at his outburst. He didn’t care.   
“Sergeant, may I remind you of your place.” Peggy pushes past Steve to stand in front of him.   
“Oh yes, point and shoot like some machine, I get it.”   
Steve takes a step closer.  
“Buck…listen..”  
“Sergeant, please Captain, let’s not forget our place, or rank.” Bucky bits out and Steve took a step back as if punched.   
“Don’t be childish, as unfortunate as it is, we still need to do our jobs.” Peggy answers and the men looked away. It was clear they were on Bucky’s side with this. Bucky deflates as he stares at her.   
“Just know, that man was innocent, and neither of you bothered to care, to listen, but it’s okay right. Every war has its casualties right.”   
“That’s right. He was Hydra, he was working in a Hydra factory, if he was really so innocent, he would have talked, told us everything he know. May I remind you just how dangerous and bad Hydra and Hitler is?”  
Bucky clenches his fist.  
“You don’t have to remind me about anything about Hydra.”   
“Good. Now as tragic as this is, we do have a job to do, and we do have to win this war. The fate of millions depends on it.”   
“So, what’s one man, right?” Bucky asks, his voice soft, half defeated.   
“In the great scheme of things, yes. This is war, thousands of innocents have been killed already in concentrations camps, in gas chambers. This is a really horrible war.”   
Bucky turns around to walk away before he looks over his shoulder.  
“Oh, I know, don’t worry, I will certainly remember my place in it. Point and shoot right. Point and shoot.” With that he turns around and walks away. Steve tries to follow him, but DumDum stood up.   
“Give him some time Captain.” Steve looks at DumDum and could see the anger in his eyes. He was angry at Steve and Peggy, he looks to the other men, and they weren’t meeting his eyes. They were with Bucky.   
Steve steps aside and bends to pick up a shovel.  
“Where are you going?” Peggy ask as Steve walks into the direction of the dead man.   
“I’m going to bury the prisoner.”   
“Worker.” Jones mumbles under his breath as he turns around and walks back to his tent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I should just say, that I am not willingly being mean to Steve and Peggy. As a Sergeant, Bucky would be in the middle many times. He would be the middle man between the soldiers and the higher ups and sometimes their finish objective will differ. This is to show that. things were not always easy going. Sometimes people thought, it is not about their personal character but duty. Peggy and Steve would understand the pressure from higher up to get things done. To see each situation as a potential threat. Bucky and the others would be the opposite, they would still see the humanity.


	153. 6 months

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wakanda recovery

All the lovely banners were made by kocuria, find her on [Tumblr!](https://kocuria.tumblr.com)  
You can find me as well at [Tumblr!](https://acrushedrosestillwins.tumblr.com/)  


* * *

* * *

1 june 6 months

Bucky enters the lab with soft but steady steps. As always there is soft music playing over the speakers while the scientists work. Shuri is moving her hips and feet with the rhythm but her upper body is still as she types and moves things around on her screen.  
"Whitewolf! Just in time." She calls out as Bucky walks over to the chair next to her desk.  
"Princess, how are you doing today?" Bucky greets back, his smile wide and relaxed.  
Shuri stops typing and give him all her attention.  
"Good, T'Challa is in some conference for a week so I am free of his annoying presence...don't tell him I said that." She quickly adds with her finger pointing at him.  
"Of course not, you want to do that yourself."  
He answers and laughs as Shuri claps her hands together and whoops loudly.  
"Yes, that's right. Okay... Today is your day... Bucky Barnes, shall we get started?"  
Still laughing Bucky nods.  
"Okay, you know the drill, lay down, the scans will do the rest."  
Standing up Bucky makes his way over to the bed in the corner, where several machines are surrounding it. All of these take different scans and will render a full 3D of his body on Shuri's screens. The one Bucky is the most interested in, his brain. The words are out, but he can't help but to be paranoid about it.  
Quietly he lays down trying his best to be as relaxed as possible.  
Shuri continues to work and fiddles with the machines with her usual enthusiasm.  
The procedure takes about 5 minutes.  
"Okay all done, let's see what's the latest updates on the Barnes front..." Shuri jokes as Bucky just shakes his head and sits on the chair again. Shuri is reading the scans, turning something here, twisting something there. Bucky's eyes were glued to his brain scans.  
"Look at this, it's remarkable isn't?" Shuri exclaims as she puts seven brain scans next to each other. There is a difference in all of them.  
"I know that it's my Brian, but what am I looking for?"  
Bucky asks standing up and moves so he is next to Shuri.  
"This is the first scan, when you arrived, this is the scan after cryo, and then the months after that. See how the colours change, you have healed remarkably well, and this part, your memories, is so much better than the first one. I bet nearly all your memories are back?"  
Bucky gives her a shy nod.  
"I still have problems with my early childhood, and some memories of the war, but mostly it's all there, I still write it all down too."  
"That's good."  
Bucky looks back at the screens.  
"The words..."  
"Still gone Bucky, I promise."  
Bucky's smile shivers slightly as his eyes fill with tears...  
"I'm still scared, you know... I know it's probably irrational..."  
"It's not. I understand." Shuri answers softly and turning so she is facing him. She place her hands on his arm, pulling lightly so he turns to look at her.  
"Bucky, on your insistence we do this once a month. It's been 6 months and the only thing that is happening, is you healing, getting better. Look at the scans, you're doing amazing. It's natural to be worried, to be scared. I promised you then, and I promise you know, I will do everything in my power to make sure that those scans won't turn for worse."  
Bucky lips quiver slightly but he keeps the smile.  
"I know and I believe you. Thank you. For everything."  
"You're welcome. Go and have a good drink on your progress, celebrate it with some cake or a beer, or whatever it is you want to do. You deserve it."  
"I'm going to call Steve, he asked that I call him after my appointment with you. I promised."  
"Now go... And then have some cake or whatever. Have a fun day."  
"I will. Thank you." Bucky greets again before wiping his eyes and looks at the screen one more time before turning around and leaving.


	154. Baloo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid bucky

2 june Baloo

It was raining cats and dogs according to Sarah, Bucky personally thinks it's the second flood happening. It's been 2 days, nonstop. The worst is that it is a school break. 

Bucky and Steve had plans.

Plans. Now it is ruined. 

They can't go out, because it is raining. Swimming is out, fishing is out... Showering? Well if it wasn't illegal to be naked in public they could have saved some bath water...

They did improvise though. They built a fort. They did an adventure journey throughout the old apartment, the top flat is empty. The people moved away, and Bucky and Steve knew a secret way to get inside.

Now they are making paper planes out of old magazines and newspapers Mr McGinley gave them for helping him to take out the trash.

Sarah is making them dinner, some soup and fresh bread.

"Boys, do you still have enough books to read for the week, or should I go to the library tomorrow and get some new ones?" Bucky and Steve look at each other before turning to Sarah.

"We're okay Ma, although we will need to go maybe the day after tomorrow for new ones."

Steve answers and Bucky nods.

"Yeah, this rain is sure as well improving my reading skills. Haven't read so much in weeks." Sarah bits down on her tongue from laughing.

"Well, it may clear up by the end of the week, then you boys still have next week to all the stuff you've wanted to this holiday."

"I hope so, I spent enough time in bed as it is, don't really want to spend more time inside due to the rain." Steve comments with annoyance. Bucky and Sarah share a look. They know how Steve can get.

"We'll do loads of stuff next week Stevie, we will make it up."

"As long as you two don't do too many wild things, I don't want to get complaints from the neighbourhood."

"We won't Ma." Steve answers and Bucky pulls a face at Steve.

"Yeah, says the stubborn little guy who wants to take on every bully."

"It’s not that bad Buck." Steve protests but Bucky sighs dramatically.

"I feel like that bear in that book, with the naughty boy."

"Baloo?" Steve asks and Bucky nods.

"Are you saying I'm Mowgli?" Steve asks again.

Bucky picks up his paper plane and points it at Steve.

"You said it Stevie"


	155. Lift off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wakanda recovery

3 June Lift off

Bucky has been waiting for a while now to talk to Steve about that day....  
There's several days he wants to talk about but he will take it slow.  
Every time he wants to say something, something happens. Or Steve is such a good and relaxed mood, that he doesn't want to be the one to spoil it.  
He doesn't see Steve as much as he likes or wants to. So the moments he does, he wants them to be a bit happier. A bit more comfortable than the rush of the everyday, of being wanted and in hiding.  
Take now for an example, they just had dinner, they are in bed, sharing one, it's easier with the nightmares...  
The moon is shining through the windows casting soft light streaks. The night sounds are comfortable, crickets in the field, an owl somewhere in the trees. How is he supposed to talk about things that hurt, that is uncomfortable.  
Bucky looks towards Steve lying next to him. He is reading a book on his tablet, the screen's soft glow illuminating his face. Bucky loves his face. He loved it when it was small and he loves it now big. It's Steve...the eyes the same.   
"Why are you staring at me?" Steve said asks softly breaking the silence.  
"I want to say something, but I'm scared I'm going to ruin your good mood, you're calm."  
Steve instantly shuts the tablet off and puts it on the bedside table before turning to Bucky.  
"Buck, if it's on your mind, I rather us talk about it, and move on, instead of you carrying it alone."  
"It’s about that day, with Zemo, when he said those words....."  
"Steve bits down on his jaw, and Bucky can see in the moonlight the tension in his face.  
"Buck..."  
"I want to thank you, for risking it all to make sure I didn't manage to leave with the chopper. For once again saving me. I don't know where I would have ended up, but I doubt it's here in Wakanda, with the words out and being free."  
Steve swallowed before he talks. Trying to open his mouth to say something but closing it quickly. Finally he reached out grabs Bucky's shirt, clenching it tight.  
"The only thing I could think of, the only words running through my head was 'don't let him lift off with the chopper. Don't let him lift off' Buck... You have saved my life so many times, and the one time I had to hold on, I couldn't. I wasn't going to let go, not again. You mean way too much to me."  
Bucky's eyes filled with tears as he reach out and grabs Steve's hand in his shirt, their fingers intertwine tightly.  
"It wasn't your fault. I never blamed you. You don't have to blame yourself. We both can let go of the past Steve, things could have been a lot more difficult and different. I'm just so glad and thankful that at the end of the day, we are still together, and however strange that is, to be alive after so long. I can't help but to be thankful for what we have now. To be healthy, sane.... Me not you, you will always be a stubborn punk..." Bucky jokes and they both chortle at that, both hearing the unshed tears in the laugh. The hands tighten more. Steve leans forward so their foreheads were touching.  
"I'm so glad to have you in my life Buck, you make it make sense."  
"You too Stevie." Bucky whispers as the look at each other for a while before they both drift off into sleep.


	156. You had no right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> I tried something new.

4 june You have no right

  
  


Your voice still rings in my mind.   
I keep answering, but the line is dead.

The line is dead, the line is dead  
Searching for a signal that's left behind. 

  
  


I whisper your name on every breeze   
Hoping it would carry my name to you. 

But the line is cold, the wind still. 

And I? I'm still a contaminated disease 

  
  


My heart once screamed your name   
Burn out of me, strike out of me  
But the line is cut, my heart now mute

Yet, I will go burn with the ash and flame. 

  
  


You had no right, you had the right 

I watched you walk away, kept the silence  
The line tried to yell, I held it down.  
I watched you go, without a fight. 

  
  


It wasn't supposed to end like this, 

One here, one there times apart.   
Our line, the draw between the scales  
Not like I imagined, pain versus bliss 

  
  


Time and time, the pendulum swing 

To and fro, one step near two steps back 

The line is left behind, the line is dead  
Turns you were the arrow, I, the bowstring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a thing for poems, and have been trying to write one for Bucky for a while now. Hope I succeeded. :)


	157. Paper or plastic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame

  1. Paper or plastic



Bucky takes a sip of his coffee as he walks outside the door towards the patio and sitting down on one of the low chairs. His feet resting up on the railing. Yesterday's newspaper is still on the table, several pages folded at the corners, the picture on the front still trying to instill some debate on the person seeing it. It looks like a meme, a photoshop picture of William Shakespeare with modern objects. One one hand of the page, several credit cards and on the other side several notes of money with a big question mark in the middle. His one eye is manipulated to look like he is winking. The heading reads 'to plastic or to paper' the big question. 

Bucky hasn't read the article yesterday, and he isn't planning on reading it today either. Sam gave him the gist of it. It's the great debate of paper or plastic, what's better? That these days it is all about recycling and saving the planet. Thanos didn't care about either plastic or paper to be honest... And a little bit sarcastic... But Bucky didn't say that. He just replied with a 'oh' and moved on.

He is doing that a lot lately. Just replying with a "Oh" or three syllables answers at the most and then moving on.

He isn't in the mood for anything these days. He is just... Just there...

What else is he supposed to do?

The fight is over, Steve is in his old well-lived-in home these past few decades. The world is trying to finds it balance again, and Bucky is not really an expert on the 'balance' thing.

Until he has things figured out, he will just continue to hide here in this cabin that he shares with Sam. The coffee is good, the silence calm and relaxed.

The door opens and Sam walks out, holding a similar cup with steaming coffee. He sits on the other side of the table. His feet on the railing.

"Are you going to go with me to see him?"

Bucky settles back in the chair, his mug between his hands.

"Nope. Don't feel like doing anything."

Sam narrows his eyes but Bucky ignores him. Bucky refuses to see him, no matter how much Steve asks.

"What excuse shall I tell him today?"

Bucky looks towards the lake.

"Tell him... Tell.. Him..” Bucky looks to the small lake on the distance and leans back. A hard smile around his mouth.

“Tell him I'm busy fishing..."


	158. Desktop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame...  
> another middle finger to Steve, this time with Fury in the mix.

6 june Desktop

It was agreed, between Bucky and Fury. No one else.

Several government officials and agencies members have arranged for a meeting to discuss a plan to move forward.

Now that the snap is reversed and everyone is back, they desperately need to make a plan of action for the foreseeable future. Rations need to be implemented; resources shared...

One of the items on the agenda is the Accords and of course Bucky’s fate.

Fury asked Bucky to be there, to help him vet the attendees. To make sure everyone is who they say they are and stand for who they say they are. He doesn't want Hydra, or anything like that in this new dynamic. Bucky knows most of Hydra and its signals, handshakes and what have you not. He can quickly suss the rotten fruit out.

The plan is simple, Bucky will wear a body suit, it will increase his height by two inches, broaden his shoulders by three inches. Make his arm look normal, just full of tattoos.

He is a body builder turned professional wrestler, turned security. One of the new guys on Fury's team.

He will wear a blonde wig, and a face masks, giving him an entire new face. Plus a scar on his forehead, into his hairline.

So far the plan is working great, he just follows Fury, keeps quiet and stands in the corner. Just like the Winter Soldier used to.

One thing they he didn't count on, and from Fury's face neither did he.

Steve was here. 

General Ross, personally invited him and so far the reason is unknown.

Steve walked over and shakes Fury's hand.

"Director. It's good to see you."

"Captain, you too. Must admit this is a surprise."

"For me too. I have no idea what I'm doing here, it's not like I can be of any help."

"Then we will find out together. How's the family?"

Bucky watch the interaction, Steve isn't even glancing in Bucky’s direction. He is calm, steady and relaxed. His eyes is soft as he speaks to Fury, full of love as he speaks about his family.

"How's Barnes doing?" Fury asks and Bucky almost gives himself away. He concentrates on Steve's face.

The eyes turn sad, wistful.

"I haven't seen him since the day at the cabin. He won't take my calls. He doesn't want to see me. I don't know why."

Bucky wants to roll his eyes.

Fury tilts his head.

"Really?"

Steve frowns but before he can say anything the meeting starts.

Steve is mostly ignored, only given curious stares and contemplating looks. It's unclear why is invited in the first place.

Until after the lunch break.

Most of the agenda is complete, until Ross spoke up. He turns to Steve who is sitting a few chairs from Fury.

"Captain Rogers, or these days ‘mister’ thank you for accepting my invitation."

"Thank you General although I am not sure why I am here."

Fury is moving his finger on a small pad, the cursor moving across the desktop to a small block in the corner. It changes colour as he moves. He and Bucky have decided on a colour code to communicate. Certain colours mean certain things.

The colour change to a sunset orange. 'beware' Bucky stands still, but focus more on his surroundings, on Ross.

"To inform you about two decisions."

"Why?"

"Because they were still open before the snap, and concerned you. One. The Accords...."

"I thought you scrapped that. It's no longer a viable option or solution. The Avengers will protect earth from any invasion."

"Who will protect the earth from the Avengers?" Ross interrupted.

Fury starts to rise to say anything but Ross held his hand up.

"The Avengers will continue as they do know now, it will just have better security and systems in check. Due to the war, everyone is of course cleared that went against the Accords all those years ago. Lang, Maximoff, Wilson, Barton, all of them are cleared and will be free, as long as they work for Avengers in some capacity."

"What about Bucky, you missed his name." Steve asks and Bucky felt his stomach drop. He won't get off so easily.

"He is still a highly dangerous man and will be apprehended as soon as I release a warrant for his arrest. Which bring me to the second item."

Steve clench his fists on the table.

"You can't do that! He is free, he did his duty. He is safe!" Bucky wants to laugh. Did Steve really think, one fight and all is forgiven? That he goes and live happily ever after for decades, come back and everything is suddenly better?

Ross clearly had the same thought as Bucky as he walks over to Steve.

"Did you honestly think that he gets off that easily? That you can play and mess with time, to suit your needs and come back and everyone is once again bowing to the great Captain? Make no mistake. I waited years for this, he will be found, he will be held accountable, and he will be executed for murder and treason and there is nothing you can do. Should have hide him in the past..."

Steve is shocked as he stares at Ross. Fury stands up.

"May I ask whose decision was this, yours or the council?"

Ross looks at him.

"It was mutual. We need to show the world, now more than ever that we will not take an attack on us without a fight. We lost too much and we need to move forward with the whole world's respect. With our allies in space. No matter the person, justice will be assured."

"But Bucky helped to save the world, you can't do this to him. He doesn't deserve it."

Ross looks to Steve.

"He did help, and that's the only reason why he will get a trail, and not be executed on the spot." Seeing the upset look on Steve's face he held out his hand.

"Why are you so perplexed?"

"Because you want to kill someone who doesn't deserve it! Someone who was tortured and manipulated for decades."

"But you let it happen, and by the way, I brought you here to inform you, so you can warn your friend at the next Bingo class, or whatever it is you two do. A fair warning might not help, but it is at least something.

"I will not let you go ahead with this. I will stop you." Steve replies his voice tight. Fury sits back down, his head in his hand. He moves the cursor.

White...

'We need to talk.'

Bucky didn't pay attention as he looks back to Ross.

"You don't honestly want me to believe that, do you? You did nothing for nearly 80 decades, why would you do something now, besides you're older than me. What can you do?"

Several members laughed at that before they moved on. The meeting came to a close quickly after that. Steve was staring down at his hands.

Bucky needs to plan, he needs to get away, first he needs to know what Fury wants to talk about. They can talk once back at the office.

Fury and Bucky was one of the last to leave. As Fury passed Steve, Steve grabs him by his arm.

"We need to talk."

"Captain..."

"We need to stop this."

"I will try everything in my power to help Sergeant Barnes, I will not let him go without a fight. Trust me on this."

Bucky keeps his face neutral, he is sure Fury already has several plans in mind.

Steve looks upset, and as if in pain.

His frail hands grips Fury's jacket before he let go, his hands falling next to his sides, tired and done.

"I failed him didn't I, that's why he doesn't want to see me. Ross said what all of you think, didn't he?"

Fury looks away.

"For what it's worth, I don't think you did it intentionally."

 _"I still did it."_ Bucky saw the look in Steve's eyes, both remembering when Bucky was the one to say that. Bucky wasn't worth it in the end. Steve looks away.

Fury glance in Bucky’s direction before turning to Steve.

"Why did you do nothing for all those years when you were living a happy life, while he was being tortured?"

Bucky bites down, he wants know too.

Guess that's the question isn't it? What everyone wants to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wouldn't provide an answer because I still don't know. to this day, I can't condone it, can't accept it.


	159. Rubles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two year on the run.

7 June Rubles

He needs some money, not a lot, just enough to get him to the border tomorrow evening. Then he will be at another old Hydra safe house where stacks of cash is waiting. Not to mention some clean clothes and a warm bath. Until then, he needs some money, some food and a taxi cab to get him to the border a bit quicker.

Looking around the alley he realize he has two options.

  1. He can pick some stranger for his wallet or
  2. Scam it. He can hear the laughter and joy of a bar nearby, there's always a drunken fool to scam. Pool, darts... There are a few ways.



Tilting his head he narrows his eyes.

A possible option C has entered the equation.

He starts to walk across the street following a young man, who in turn is following an elderly lady. She is walking home with a few groceries in her hands.

They walk for a few hundred yards when the lady stops at an old apartment block. She puts the bags down and starts to go through her purse for the key.

Bucky quickens his steps as the man pulls out what looks like small wooden stick. He raises the stick just as the lady finds the key and looks up. Something must have set her off and she looks around to see the man.

As he brings the stick down Bucky shot out his arm. The stick slammed against his hand and he closes his fist, the stick in his hand.

The man tries to pull it back but it is futile as Bucky held on. With his right arm he grabs the man by the throat and pulls him close.

"Drop any weapon you have on you, right now." Bucky growls, holding tight.

The man shakes with fear as he stare at Bucky.

"Now." Bucky asks again, a bit softer, but meaner. The man let go of the stick and empties his pocket. A few coins fell out, some scrunch up paper and two knives. Bucky leans closer.

"When I let go, do the smart thing. Run. Don't look back."

Shaking of fear the man the man nods.

Bucky smiles the smile he knows instil fear.

"Good." With that, he lets go and the man run as if a fire was set underneath him.

Bucky watch him for a few seconds before turning to the old lady.

"You okay ma'am?"

"Yes, thank you." She answers in a small and shaky voice. Bucky waits until she has unlocked the door and was safely inside with the bags before he talks again.

"Ma'am, if it's not too much trouble, what you've seen tonight, my arm...."

"I've never seen a thing my dear boy, you know our old folks, no glasses... hearing things... I don't even know if you have long hair or short..." She answers with a wink, pointing to one of his locks.

Bucky smiles softly.

"Thank you ma'am."

"Ma'am, you're a real charmer young man, now pick up the evidence and go before I blush more."

Bucky smiles again and nods.

"Yes ma'am." He quickly picks up the two knives and paper, it was money, not random paper. With one last look he walks away into the dark night. He only stop as he heard the door lock before he pulls out the money.

It was two 50 notes and the coins are about 5 rubles. Not bad.

It might just be enough to get him to the safe house, and he got two knives too. Not the best quality, but still.... Functional enough.


	160. Pantone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame.  
> Sad, sorry...

8 June Pantone

Bucky stares at the blue eyes in front of him. No Pantone colour palette will ever match the shades in them. He has tried. Back in Wakanda he and Shuri once played with a colour palette, playing an online decorating game.  
The eyes look confused and puzzled. Surrounded by old frail skin, wrinkles and a few age spots. ‘Crow's feet’, is the term.  
The nose still a bit crooked, the once small and smooth mouth, now old. The skin tired.

Bucky suddenly remembers a small boy, frail and thin, a crooked back and lungs that worked overtime for every breath. He remembers another boy bigger and stronger but so weak and vulnerable when the small boy was sick. He remembers the desperate prayers, the fearful begging for this small boy to survive. To live. To please God let him live.  
God listened. Someone did. Because he did. He lived more than Bucky could ever hope for.  
"Buck...?"  
Please God, I beg of you once more, stop hurting me like this. I've been hurt enough haven't I? I can't take this anymore....  
I can't. There's nothing left of my heart. Nothing.  
"Buck, did you hear me?"  
"I heard you Steve."  
Bucky takes a breath and looks away before he looks down, the sun catch the gold band, and his heart, his lungs, his whole body shatters anew.   
Death would be so much kinder.  
Cryo would be so much kinder.  
Instead, he gets this.  
He tried to avoid Steve as much as possible, and now Steve cornered him, finally after several weeks and several unanswered calls.  
"Buck, listen..."  
"I can't. Please." Bucky finally begs. His eyes tear up.  
"I don't understand..." Steve tries and Bucky swallow.  
"You wouldn't. How could you?"  
Bucky's voice is sad, deflated. The eyes swimming in unshed tears.   
He looks at Steve, and knows he has to come clean. He will be honest; he will confess and then he will walk away. It will be the hardest thing to do, but he will do it.   
"I will answer you truly and honestly and maybe it will be the first time since I admitted I didn't like Mary-Allen in our 9th grade art group. "  
"You never told me who you did like in our art group." Steve tried and smiled. It broke Bucky but he keeps his promise.   
"You."  
"What?"  
"I liked you. Always have, always will.”   
Steve looks confused and Bucky bit down the lump before he continued. He held out his hands.  
“You had a secret gay, queer, fairy or whatever the term is, friend. I was never straight, just pretended. Did a great job too, don't you think?" It came out as a question, but meant as a self-deprecated insult.  
"I don't... Buck... what are you saying?"  
"Steve, I know I was never anything else to you except your friend, that I never was the love of your life. But.... The thing is.... You were mine. The love of my life. And now... Now I have to live a life without you, for the next 10 or 59 or even 80 years. I need to find a way to live a life without you as easily as you were able to live without me. So no, I didn't want to see you, I don't want to call you, because I can't hurt myself like this anymore. I need to mourn you, like you had to mourn your wife's death. It's excruciating painful, and I can't do that and still see you."  
Steve stood as if frozen, his eyes suddenly filled with grief.  
"Buck..."  
Bucky shakes his head.  
"I have to let you go, but, know this, the only comfort I have is that you were happy. That you were able to get the chance to life a life, with the love of your life, it's a chance so few get. At least one of my prayers were answered. Goodbye Steven Grant Rogers." Bucky looks once more into those blue eyes, the eyes that has haunted him for more than a hundred years. Squaring his jaw, swallowing his tears he turns around and walks away. He can hear Steve calling him, but he ignored it. He can’t be pulled back, he can’t do it to himself.


	161. Replicate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wakanda recovery

9 June Replicate

Steve and Bucky were sitting around the campfire, each with a bottle of beer. The sounds of the lake and animals were soothing in the background.

Steve is visiting Bucky and so far, it is the longest he has stayed. Bucky is enjoying every minute of the time he gets to spend with Steve, it is a gift he will not take for granted. A small part is scared, worried that it won't last. He's used to things that don't last. Few things in his life did. Good things that is.

He glances at Steve and notice that there is something on his mind. There is something that bothers him. He would glance at Bucky and then look down.

"Steve, what's bothering you?"

Steve looks down before he looks back at Bucky.

"Can't hide much from you, can I?"

"I think you can, but this... whatever it is, is something you discovered lately, and it is to do with me... Can't be what they did, you read the file, Natasha spilled it all over the net, yet this bothers you."

"I made a connection; I can't believe I never did before." Steve replied and Bucky frowns.

"That sounds ominous."

"Buck... They were able to save me, because of you, weren't they?"

Bucky frowns again.

How did he...

"You haven't made the connection either..."

Steve answers a sad smile around his lips.

"No. What connection Steve?" Bucky admits, shaking his head.

"They were able to wake me from cryo successfully, because Hydra was in SHIELD, and have been doing it to you for years. They knew what to do with me, because of you. They just replicate it."

Bucky's eyes widen as the implications sunk in. He stares at Steve who looks as if he wanted to cry.

"I.... Uhm...Steve...."

"Without realizing it, you saved my life. Somehow you always save my life, and the one time I needed to save yours...." Bucky didn't give Steve a chance to continue as he pushed forward and put his hand against Steve's mouth. He nearly fell as he didn't have his other hand to balance him, but Steve's hands shot out and he held Bucky up. Close to him. Their faces inches away.

"Steve.... Stop blaming yourself. I don't. I never did, I never will. And if the only good thing that came out of this whole ordeal, besides the absolute joy of being with you here and now, is that I was able to save your life..." Bucky stares into the blue eyes, locked on his own. "...Then it would be enough for me. It was worth it."

"How can you say it?"

"Because if you died.... I would never have been freed... So you did save me. You saved me from a fate worse than death."

"But I was the reason you ended up there..."

"You weren't. I promise you. I was always going to end up there. From the moment I was drafted, the moment Zola pushed that first needle, my fate was sealed."

"I was naive to think the war would be quick, go in, take down the bullies and go home."

"Yeah, well.... You were always a stubborn punk." Bucky answers with a smile. Steve mirrored it.


	162. Just hang on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame

10 june Just hang on

Bucky walks down the familiar, yet unfamiliar streets of New York. He remembers cars making it big, people bustling around. He remembers old Lucy's bakery on the corner that is hosting now a cell phone shop. The latest sleek phone on every window. It used to be bread and buns and Chelsea buns, pretzels and everything else that would make a young boy's mouth water. Bucky pushes the nostalgia down as a fleeting memory appears in his mind.

That's long gone now.

He wonders if Steve saw the change, the day a bakery shop gave way to a slick and sleek smartphone. Did he remember Bucky bought them once a custard slice to share? Did he ever wondered where Bucky got the money from, as it was a few days before payday and all their savings was spent on medicine?

Bucky looks across the street and it is all so familiar and strange at the same time. The energy is stronger, the rush quicker, but the underlying current, it's the same. The plot of the story is the same, the actors different. Mom's rushing to work and home, kids running from school and back. People chasing the next best thing.

Bucky is tired.

He tired. Bone achingly tired.

The rest they say sleep won't fix.

Depends on the sleep though.

He continues to walk and passes a restaurant, a group is celebrating a birthday party. He never had one.

How many did Steve got when he went back?

Everyone is telling him to hold on. 'Just hang on'

To what exactly?

He asked Sam that when he told Bucky to hold on when they were sparring, and someone made a comment about Steve.

Somehow Hydra had a few words for him to turn into the soldier. Suddenly it all changed. The name-bearer of his new trigger word got him out of his old trigger words.

Whenever he hears the name Steve, he freezes. He shuts down. His eyes become empty. He knows it. He allows it. He can't cope with the onslaught of emotions coming from his abandonment. He will go on. He will 'hang on' the emptiness is a great rope.

For now.


	163. Make a reservation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> (another f@#k you to Steve...)

11 june Make a reservation

Bucky looks at his phone. The text still shining in the dark room.

_"Where are you man? The waitress is bringing our drinks."_

Bucky looks away. He doesn't care about dinner, or about drinks or about anything that has to do with Steve.

The more time passes, the more he realizes just what Steve did, what his leaving meant for Bucky.

The implications of being left behind.

Steve didn't let him go, Steve left. Left.

Cast off, deserted, disowned, friendless, left in the lurch, lonely, marooned, outcast, solitary, thrown over. A few synonymous he can quickly add. A few hits home a bit more accurately.

Outcast.

He is one now. He was one the moment he got his memories back. The moment Steve told him 'finish it, cause I'm with you till the end of the line...'

Deserted.

That is also one he can identify with. He is the man out of time. He is the odd one out. He has seen how some of the people left behind looks at him. Like some wild animal they come across in the wild, and the only thing they can remember about survival is 'stay still, stay calm and don't look at it in the eye.'

He can’t remember the last time someone really looked at him. Someone other than Sam that is. Probably Banner and Steve and Ms. Stark at the funeral. Fury looked at him as if he was summarizing for a test....

The screen pops back to life with another message.

_He has made reservations; it is one of the best restaurants in the city! Do you know what he had to do to get this reservation?_

Bucky snorted. He remembers Steve's voice over the answering machine. "Hey guys, I really want to see you guys, it's been a few weeks. How about I make a reservation for Saturday? I'll send you the details, you would love the place."

Sam did, when he read where. He gave a low whistle. "Man, the list is months long, he has some serious pull..."

Bucky starts to type back. Once he hit send, he puts the phone away and takes out his two knives. Putting the mask back on his face he looks to the warehouse. A human trafficking ring. He's wearing something similar to his Winter outfit. His hair in a bun. Tonight, the Winter Soldier is making a comeback. He glances to the CCTV cameras. Tomorrow they will know. He is back and one the right side of the law, this time.

Back in New York Sam looks at the incoming message. The third spot empty and making a dent in the atmosphere. Steve is looking all snazzy in his suit; Sam is wearing a suit. It's a five-star place. Top of the line, biggest chef names in history.

He sighs.

"Sam."

"You made this reservation, seven months ago, two months before the snap was reversed. Why?"

Steve gives a smile.

"It was meant to be a surprise. I own this restaurant, when I went back, I had most of the knowledge. I used it to build quite a nest egg and are can rival Stark's financial status. I want to share that with you. Make you and Bucky partners."

Sam stares and his eyes start to harden.

"You went back and instead of saving people, you made yourself rich?"

"Sam, it's not like that."

"It's exactly like that. You think Bucky and I want this? Money and fame and the high life? We want our friend back, the one who had a decent bone in his body. You disgust me. No wonder Bucky hates you can't stand the sight of you. He knew what you've become. God... I was so blind."

Steve stares back in shock.

"Sam... What do you mean he hates me...?"

"That's what you get out of this. Screw this. I owe you nothing, certainly not an explanation. Don't call me. Ever again."


	164. Proven process

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> Trying something new again, poor poor Bucky

12 June Proven process

Bucky pulls at his hair, the sharp points of pain is not helping him, instead it is soothing him. He needs another way to ground himself. A way to stay with this reality.

It's hard, so hard. Everything in him wants to disassociate. He recognized the signs.

The problem is, usually it is something Steve related that would get him to stand ground. To stand up against his mind. A phrase, a look, a piece of clothing or a pamphlet but he doesn't have anything. The words are gone, they turned to lies. The clothing is gone the smell and material tells him its occupant left them all behind. Discarded like old worn clothes. Steve left it all, he left his life behind, his possessions, just like Bucky. His mind screaming at him 'you're no better than these old clothes!'

The pamphlets are gone, the museum pieces of a nation's hero. It belongs to someone else now. The shield, the suit, it's Sam's now. Sam is not Steve. Sam and Bucky do not have a history, a bond like Steve and Bucky.

_'what bond?'_

_'what line?'_

Bucky growls loudly and his fingers tears the linen on his bed. He is kneeling in front of the bed. His temporary room in a hotel.

Five years.

He has no home; he has no friends. He has... Nothing.

“Just like what you are, but it's okay we'll make you into something. We'll make you a fist. A machine. A soldier!”

Bucky falls flat as he spun around in the room. Zola is standing in the corner. Smiling at Bucky, his teeth white, the glasses clean as his eyes sparkle.

"How did you get here?!" Bucky yells.

Zola smiles his sweetest smile.

"Oh Sergeant, he may abandon you, but I... I will never let you go. Our bond is stronger than the one you have with him. Ours stood the test of time."

"No! You lie!"

"Barnes? You okay in there. Who are you talking to?"

Bucky's wide fearful eyes turn to the door. It's him, the new Captain... St...нет... S... Sam.

"Run!" Bucky yells, Zola can't have him.

Zola smiles and shakes his head walking closer to Bucky who tries to crawl away in fear.

"No... Stay back... Nein.... No... Het.... Nein!"

"Oh my dear boy you and me, we will always be together." Zola reaches out his hand and place his hand against Bucky's cheek.

"You're not real. You're not real!" Bucky yells and the pounding at the door grows louder.

"Barnes! Bucky!"

"Of course, I'm real. Feel there my hand against your cheek... I'm real. Right now, I'm the only thing in your life that's real. Certainly not that old man..." Zola burst out laughing right as the door breaks open and Sam barges in. He looks around before holding his arms out at Bucky who is staring straight ahead.

"Listen... Whatever you are seeing, it's not real. Focus on me okay... Focus on me." Bucky looks from Zola to Sam. Both standing next to each other.

"We have been through this remember, back in the factory, then in the Alps again in Siberia... It's a proven process... You see him, saving you but he isn't there. He's not real. I am. And I'm back. We have much to do Soldier."

"No! I'm not going back. I'm not going back! You had me for decades. I'm me now! _I'm me now!"_

Sam slowly lowers himself.

"Yes. You are James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky Barnes. You are you. Shuri made sure of that. Whatever you are seeing, it's not real. It's not true, whatever they are saying."

Bucky's eyes fill with tears as he looks at Sam.

"But it is. It's Zola, he says our relationship lasted longer than my relationship with Steve. It's more real."

"It’s not Bucky. Bucky. What you had with Zola was not a relationship. Bucky. They tortured you. They mess with your mind. Steve rescued you, remember In DC?"

"Then why am I here with you, and your precious Steve left you with us, for all those years. Where is he now, with his smug smile and life lived? With a family. Where is he? See Soldier. I'm here with you. _I care_. He _left_ you with m _e."_

Sam stares at Bucky as he looks at something, or someone on his left side. He leans to his left to be in Bucky's eyeline.

" Bucky..."

"Zola is right." Bucky answers. His voice flat.

"What?"

"He left me. He left me with Zola. He didn't care. Zola does. He's here now with me. Where's Steve?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think that Steve's leaving, had a huge impact on Bucky's mind. He must have struggled with a few things.


	165. Unrealistic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame

13 June Unrealistic

In the end, it's all unrealistic isn't it? Wasn't it?

The idea that someone like me could have a chance of redemption. That someone like me could walk away and be left alone.

That I stood a chance.

_Ha ha fucking ha._

Good luck with that.

It's been a few weeks since that day, the 'Day day'. When he left. He has always been a conundrum that man. It's why I loved him so much. He wasn't like anyone I have ever met, in all my years. He defied the odds at every corner. He was good. He was one of the last one standing in the world that could claim to be good.

And then he left. And so somehow, it was all alright. No one blinked. The sky didn't fall. There was no brimstone and fire from the sky, in fact, it was a beautiful day. The birds in the sky, the gentle breeze through the trees, fluffy white clouds...

And me... Broken and shattered but still standing.

There is a song, I remember it, it made me sad. I heard it on the small radio in Bucharest. There are a few lines, and it haunted me back then, it haunts me still today.

_I died in my dreams_

_What's that supposed to mean?_

_Got lost in the fire_

_I died in my dreams_

_Reaching out for your hand_

_My fatal desire_

_I've failed you again_

I'm always failing him, I try so hard to keep it together, but I'm always out of reach.

I'm in hiding. I heard Ross is after me. I had to make myself disappear. Telling you, the temptation to do it for real is kind of strong.

I don't have contact with anyone. Not Sam, or Shuri... Certainly not him. I don't think I ever want to hear from him again. If Ross finds me and the option is the raft or him... I do well with things floating in water. I don't get seasick at all.

I'm tired of running, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being tired. The constant battle to keep going, it’s... Hard, and getting harder day by day.

I think it's time I admit to myself I'm not in a good place right now.

Well, it is an old warehouse, I'm leaving in a few hours for South America. I always wanted to see the ancient city of Macha Picchu.

I can hear a car in the distance.

It's coming fast.

Time to leave.

Luckily, I only have my backpack.

The fire can stay, the objects isn't done burning. Although the fire is too low, it's the thought that counts right.

Right?

Let's go.

"Is he here?" Sam turns to the voice, the old man getting out of the car and making his way to where Sam is standing, next to a small fire.

"We must have missed him by minutes, the fire is still warm and there is no insect activity close to the granola bar, the seeds that dropped is still fine."

"We need to find him Sam."

"He doesn't want to be found Steve; don't know why you insist on looking for him." Sam bites back. He and Steve has had several quarrels about this.

Steve ignores him and walks to the fire; he kicks the objects out of the ash. Sam looks down.

"Is that...?"

Steve's hands shake as he picks it up with a glove. Two dog tags. One chain. _Steven G Rogers and James B. Barnes._

Sam looks away and leave Steve staring at it. It's clear what it means. The implications are without a doubt. Steve stares as his eyes fills with tears. He knows what this means. He knows what he did for Bucky to do this. He also knows, he won't ever be able to make it right.

_Songwriters: Aki Hakala / Eero Heinonen / Lauri Yloenen / Pauli Rantasalmi_

_Funeral Song lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC_

_The Rasmus_


	166. Jellyfish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 Era

14 June Jellyfish

Bucky is sitting down on the edge of the camp. His rifle over his shoulder and sharpening his knife. It is the second one he managed to 'acquire' since the war and next to his rifle, his favourite weapon of choice. The cigarette is low, almost on its last dregs. It is his last one.

Bucky sighs and takes one deep breath before he takes the cigarette and pushes it into the mud next to him.

"aaaw fuck..."

"Yeah... Same here Sarge." Bucky looks up to see Dumdum walking closer holding two cigar.

"One better be for me."

"Course."

Sharing a laugh Dumdum sits down next to Bucky looking over the camp.

"Jellyfish bombs... This is something out of a science fiction book." Dumdum utters with a defeated sigh.

Bucky looks down.

"You know, I used to love science, the idea that put there is marvels and wonders out there. Things to change the world for the better, yet every change we have seen so far, makes it worse."

Dumdum looks at Bucky.

"Couldn't have put it better even if I tried."

Bucky shrugs.

"Saying as it is, that's all."

"Saying it might fine Sarge. I got to go. See you at dinner."

"Yeah, later Dumdum."

Bucky watches as he walks away back into the camp, talking to other men and making jokes. Bucky looks back into the trees and unknown.

"I bet being a writer wouldn't get me into this mess...."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During WW2 the Japanese found new ways to drop bombs on America, one was jellyfish balloon bombs. They used the air currents to tie bombs to 'balloons' and the wind would take it over the ocean and wherever it fell, exploded.


	167. Jam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgma   
> (stjohn27 and I had tumblr chat a while back, and I mentioned that I want to do a specific drabble, this one is it.)

15 June Jam

I should go back. To the cabin. 'Pepper' as she wants to be called arrange for several plates of food for all the people gathered today. Jam tarts and sandwiches, coffee, tea and cream cakes... Savoury and sweet, salt and spices all on the table. Just like today's funeral. Diverse in its attendees.   
I can't. I don't belong there, even though she assured me, but I know, I can see the pain in her eyes. The inner turmoil and struggle to keep it together. To stand alone in the home they've spent 5 years to create now empty of him.  
The man who saved us all, who was better than us all. I can be honest to myself, even better than Steve. Steve wouldn't hesitate to die for us, to save us. But afterwards, a momentarily decision somehow wiped the slate of his accomplishments into a rubble.  
I don't think I can make peace with that, I can't absolve him of that, even though I have no right to pass any sort of opinion on it. I'm the monster, created by hands not my own. Even Frankenstein's monster had absolution for being created, me... None.  
There is no coming back from that, just moving on and making the best of it.  
He is standing up, Sam is still smiling, holding the shield. My heart breaks for him. I'm so proud of Sam, he will be fantastic, the perfect choice, but the shield comes with its own curse so to speak. A pressure and mould that was created by the government and it will change Sam. It will be a shield in his hands, but a yoke around his neck.  
Steve is smiling at me, waiting for me to smile back, I can see it in his eyes. He is waiting for me, to walk over, to clap him on the shoulder, to hug him, to do all the things I used to do. I'm not that man anymore. I tried to. I tried to be that man for two years as my memory fixed itself, but it wasn't good enough.  
I know now.  
I lost my heart at a Stark Expo in the 21st century and I lost my heart again at a Stark funeral in the 22nd century.  
His smile is slipping, Sam is frowning, looking between the two of us. His mouth is moving.   
"Bucky?"   
I look into those blue eyes and I allow myself this brief moment to show every feeling, every bit of love and heartache. He sees it, I know he does, the blue gives it all away. I can see the recognition, the realization. He wants to say something, but nothing comes out.   
It's better this way.   
There is anything he can say that would make it better.   
I close myself up, hiding my emotions and pain behind another layer of bricks.   
Sam steps closer but I take a step back.   
Once started I take another step back, followed by another. My eyes on Steve. I can see the pain in his eyes, the fear but I don't care. I walked back about then steps before I turn around and walked away, leaving him behind me.


	168. Sweet sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre-war Bucky

16 June Sweet sixteen

Some things you know, you know it like the air you breathe keeps you alive. You know it like you know the sun comes up in the morning and sets in the evening, long after a person dies. It survived the past thousands of millennia it will survive without you.

Today was one of those moments.

A moment in time that would echo into every universe and galaxy.

How do I know it, I just do.

I'm seventeen. Been seventeen for a few months now. Even though everyone tells me I'm a young man now and have been working for longer than I have been seventeen. There are still things that makes me terrified. It used to be monsters under my bed, my folks dying and leaving me alone. It used to be a Steve, sick and struggling for every bit of breath. In a way it still is, it will always be.

Now, however, it is Steve finding out, it is the world finding out my biggest secret. _I'm different._

I like Steve, like, like him, like _that_... Like how I'm supposed to like Dorothy down the road, who gave me my first real grown up kiss.

No one can know that. Never.

Steve is celebrating his birthday today. Sweet sixteen, I know it.

I wish I could live in a world where I could take that 'sweet' away.

But this is not that world. I can't do that.

What I can do is hug him and wish him a happy birthday. Later I will take him out to nice cozy place for a celebratory drink and watch his face as he smiles and blushes at the well wishes. The fact that he is sixteen is a miracle. His mom will hug him tight and we will have dinner, after the drink, I saved up and bought a cake, his mom knows. The three of us will share it and be extra thankful that we still have him by our side.

Right now, however I need to leave this bathroom and pretend everything is fine.

My reflection laughs at me, my eyes shake their head in despair, and I sincerely hope they lose that pain before Steve sees.

"Smile brighter Bucky."

"Buck.... Did you say anything?"

I turn to the voice and put on my brightest smile.

"Nah Stevie, just humming a song, practicing for serenading you on this day..."

"Oh Buck, you don't have to..."

"Ah but I do...." I walk out of the bathroom and see him standing there, his cheeks already flushed, the smile lopsided. I’m so gone for this man.

“I really do Stevie, I really do."

"Here goes...... HAPPY BIRTHDAY....."


	169. Croissant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame

17 June Croissant

It's been weeks. Sam looks out of the window Steve is sitting outside on the porch waiting...

Bucky left the same night, he has yet to return. Steve asks Sam every day when Bucky will come back, when will he see his best friend again. Sam didn't know what to say. He knows Bucky won't come back. He and Bucky text, but Steve doesn't know.

The letter came the morning after breakfast. Steve was excited, Sam was scared.

Steve went to his room to read it. Sam texted Bucky to say the letter arrived.

Bucky replied.

_"It's not going to be good, but it will be true."_

Steve opens the letter. His smile fell with the first sentence.

_Dear Steve._

_It's been a few weeks since you appeared on that bench. I was standing a few feet behind, my hands in pockets, it was the only way I could hide the shivers._

_For seventy I was broken down and rebuild. Every new piece of construction on my mind and body, I learned to see more. I learned to recognize certain looks in my tormentors._

_I knew what would classify as a good day and a bad day and one where I would beg every single God and deity, I have ever heard to let me die. None answered._

_I can honestly tell you now, that day, that look in your eyes.... It was a day I prayed to all the old deities and gods, and even the new ones I learned. None answered._

_Here I am..._

_Still breathing._

_I never could understand why you use to say every breath was like smoke and fire as a kid._

_I get it now._

_Oxygen really hurts when it is loaded up with pain and betrayal doesn't it?_

_You keep asking when I will come to visit..._

_I'm not._

_I can't see you again Steve, never again._

_My body is broken and put together with metal and plates. My lungs are filled with shattered rocks and glass, every breath a slashing ache. My heart is so torn and mangled, it can give the rocks that shredded my arm a run for his money._

_Steve._

_I need to live the rest of my days without you, like you lived without me. I need to find some piece of peace, like you were able to. I don't deserve much, I know, but I'm still hoping for a little bit of undeserved mercy._

_I'm somewhere in the world and in front of me is cup of coffee, the best I ever had. On my plate is a fresh and soft croissant, filled with chocolate and dusted with powdered sugar. My first thought is, my first response is to look to my side and say "look at that Steve... Isn't that amazing, food so easily available... Coffee so good..."_

_My side is empty._

_My words are silent._

_You had seventy years to experience how the world was reborn after the war. To see coffee, develop into this rich taste, to see croissants filling the pastry shelves while I was tortured and screaming to die._

_You want me to visit you and ask all about your life, but I can't? How to ask your best friend how he laughed and smiled while you cried and died..._

_One day I can maybe look at your face, old and wrinkly, with age spots on the hands I use to cradle in mine to keep warm, and not feel this absolute betrayal._

_I'm happy you got your happy ending Steve, I just didn't know it would be without me._

_Now I have to go find mine, without you._

_I once said in front of rundown apartment after a funeral, "you don't have to, cause I'm with you till the end of the line." you cut the line the day you walked away. You said it will be okay._

_It will never be okay._

_It was for you._

_It won't be for me._

_Tell me Steve._

_When will it be okay?_

Bucky climbs off his motorcycle and walks to the edge of the cliff. The view is amazing. He takes out his camera and snaps a few pictures before looking around and smiling.

The Canyon is a masterpiece.


	170. Giants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> Trigger: SAD Death.  
> I tried something new again. I'm sorry

18 June Giants

(The Old Shield HQ was damaged, but the wall of valor, with all the agents who died in the service was still intact. Steve, Bucky and Sam are at the HQ showing Bucky that his name was also on that. That is when this story happens.)

Ants...

The whole lot of them. Just like ants or bees in a beehive. Living in the same houses, eating the same food, buying the same clothes... copy... Paste...

Thanos was right, the world is corrupt and needs someone to step in. We have been trying for years and years, but the good old goody two shoes _Captain_ got in the way. Now, they have the audacity to elect a new one. Ha... As if that _wannabe_ with his wings will ever stop us.

They even took our Asset from us, our biggest fist. The one that made everyone tremble in fear. Made them quiver like wet dogs in the cold. Five years, and another five years that we had to do without him. No more. It may not be his fault he was taken in the Blip, but he is back, and doing good, apparently. He is even sharing a joke with the new wannabe shield bearer. The old one, the original one is looking at the Asset with fondness when he isn't looking. Ridiculous grandpa, you left him. You abandoned him and he knows... The Asset knows what that means. Quite tragic he never told you how he felt about you. But, that is okay, your abandonment created the perfect opportunity for us to remove the Asset once and for all.

Oh, how we have debated, getting him back, starting all over. Then again, he was always a loose cannon, a program you always had to reset. A glitch. Nothing more than a glitch in the system. We will start again, already have a new candidate in mind.

The only thing that is left, is to get rid of the old. Out with the old, in with the new.

Oh, look at him. Touching that little gold plaque with his name, that emotion in his eyes. So weak.

Wannabe and fossil looks on fondly. It's sickening.

Murmuring his name, as if that would take us away. ‘Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes.’

No. It's the Winter Soldier. The Asset.. Our fist. But not for long..

Come on... Take a step closer....

What...

Oh...

You feel me looking at you...

_Clever boy._

You may be part of the old giants, but today you're still an ant...

Still got your training hey?

Wannabe steps closer, he wants to know what you see, what you sense.

You look at him then up at me.

There's no escape Asset, not from Hydra.

I can only smile as he pushes the other two down and covering them with his body. It's futile, I'm here for him, not them.

Wannabe yells for him, the old one looks terrified.

Didn't expect action so soon did you... Not after what, 80 years of rest...

I pull the first trigger and watch it disappear into the Asset's back. His body froze as he looks down.

"Bucky!" The once Captain yells as the Asset's knees give out.

I pull the trigger once more, a little to the left, right where the heart is. He falls forward into the old man's arms. There is blood everywhere. Wannabe is pulling him from his arms, trying to help him. He presses down on the holes. It's no use. 

The Asset is gone.

And I will be promoted.

I leave as I can hear loud crying. The old one is begging 'Bucky' to live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been playing around for a while with the idea that Hydra goes after Bucky, especially now since the world is in such a mess.   
> This was one of the best ways I could do it, and let Steve outlive Bucky, again.


	171. Knights and knaves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wakanda recovery

19 June Knights and knaves

Shuri can only watch in amazement. She received the tip from the library about an hour ago. She logged into the cameras and was blessed with a beautiful sight.

Steve is visiting Bucky and they are making the most of it. Every day they tackle something new. Something of this new world that neither has seen, experienced or heard of and do it together.

 _'Inseparable'_ that is what the history books call these two, and she can see it. She is bent on hacking into the net and update their relationship characterization and add, two silly boys even in their nearly hundreds.

And they are.

Two days ago they played outside, like literally with the children. They blew bubbles and played in the lake, they played volleyball and did outside games. Yesterday they went to the market and ate nearly everything they could see and get their hands on, their shopping... Well it would put a restaurant to shame.

Today it is the library, they both 'signed up' for library cards and is browsing the what section... do you want to know?

The card and board games section.

Oh yes. They only knew a few of the old games, and Shuri rolls her eyes at their excitement to know it not only withstood the test of time, but there is several variations of it. Then, oh boy, the new ones. _Cluedo, Who wants to be a millionaire, pictionary_ \- _'oh Steve this is perfect for you'_ \- Bucky would cry out and Shuri watch and shakes her head as Steve would blush. They went down row after row, one particular one that drew their attention is the logical games. _Trivial pursuit_ and _Knights and knaves_ to name but a few.

Shuri watch them for a few minutes longer, her heart aching and her eyes welling up with tears to see the once broken man, laughing and making jokes. The one stoic and serious Captain, blushing and his eyes sparkling as he gazes at his 'best friend'.

Both were lost in their own way, but together they are found, in the same way. With one last glance she closes the feed. These moments are for them, and them alone.


	172. 44 years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 Era

20 June 44 years

The 107th is still recovering. Although the casualties were hefty, many more still made it back. They made it back because of Captain America, or Steve Rogers, depending on who you asked.

The news also came through the ranks, every man that made it back had two options: Stay or go home. Honorary discharge. They get to go home with pride and honour. If they stayed, they continued to fight. To most it was a choice between, go home and live with your family, or stay and die. Praying and hoping you might make it back one day.

The discussion went on, long after the sun has set. and Loud talks became hopeful whispers around the barracks, the mess hall and the showers. The hope was in every soldier's eyes. That silent plea. _'I want to go home. I have a gal waiting. I have a wife waiting. My son is hardly five, he needs his Da...'_ Everyone had that reason to go home. None had that reason to stay. Honour? duty? That seems small comparing to the safety of home.

Some didn't have that choice, it was taken away, along with a limb or limbs. It was taken away as they succumbed to their injuries. Infections and gangrene are a war on its own.

Doesn't matter if you're a new-wet-behind-the-ears soldier or have been doing this for 44 years or longer. Out here a strong immune system is a myth.

Bucky could see the ones that had made up their minds, they are going home.

To their gal, wife, children and family and everything else. They are already seeing that meeting in their mind's eye. They can already taste the warm home cooked meal and feel the soft mattress, the hug that makes a house a home from that one specific person.

They try to hide that small sparkle of light in their eyes, try to put on that morbid look of their surroundings, but some fail.

Bucky watches them all with a burning ache in his stomach, an ache in his heart.

He wants to be part of that group.

The ones already writing that letter that says, _"I'm coming home sweetheart!"_

Taking another drag of his cigarette he pretends the tobacco is his mom's stew with fresh bread. He looks at the smoke twirl and imagine his sister's hair, always twirling the wrong way around. He closes his eyes as he feels their hug squashing him as he steps inside their house. He can feel his mom's hands on his face, he can hear her " _look at you, so thin, come to the kitchen my dear boy."_ He can already hear little Steve's...

Bucky's smile fell from his mouth, his eyes open and he looks down from the tank towards Phillip's office. Steve is in there, bigger than him, a Captain now. Not little Stevie, not the artist. The soldier. He misses the artist if he is honest.

He sighs.

He can’t go home.

Home came to the war, to him.


	173. No 12 looks like

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> Sad

21 June No 12 looks like

Bucky steps into the apartment, Sam is behind him, both are feeling the weight of the day's events. In Sam's case it's is exhilaration, excitement and joy. The shield is back in its case, but tight in Sam's arms. The smile went down from wide and sparkling to soft and sweet. Nostalgic with a hint of wistfulness. The 'captain' not just any captain, the Captain. Captain America. Steve found him worthy of the mantle.

In Bucky's case...

Well, he won't use those adjectives. He would use the negative ones.

He has spent the last few hours keeping his face neutral and positive. Kept the smile on his face, his hands in his jacket. That way he could hide the small tremors.

He knew Steve was going back, and he knew he would never see him again, he mentally prepared for that and then... Lo and behold, the bastard appeared on that bench, that smug smile on his lips.

They hardly exchanged a few words, Steve wanted to. He desperately tried to find any moment free to talk to Bucky, but Bucky kept him at bay. Pushed anyone he could in front of him, Scott was ecstatic and had a thousand questions. So did Hope, but she hid it better. Wanda kept staring at him, trying to determine exactly what her feelings were.

By afternoon Bucky had enough and made his excuses and goodbyes before leaving. Sam went with him, since they arrived together. His adrenaline slowly dwindling leaving him tired.

"I'm going to make something to drink, want anything?"

Bucky turns to Sam who stood in the kitchen doorway. Bucky nodded. He can drink.

Steve offered them his old apartment, he has his old home, the one he shared with...

_Not Bucky._

He went back in time, to a world in turmoil to be with _'not Bucky'._

That is how he is classifying it. Bucky and _Not Bucky_.

His legs carry him to the room at the end, Steve's old room. Sam can have that room. The Captain's room, for a Captain. Bucky will take the side room, the 'side kick' never gets a master room. He walks in, he doesn't want to, his heart screams to go out. _Out!_

He can't. The smell of Steve lingers in the air, his old leather jacket hanging on the wardrobe door handle. His fingers touch it and a new wave of Steve hits him between the eyes, his eyes watering up. Breathing deep he walks to the desk, a sketchbook is open, a half-drawn picture of Bucky. He feels empty, not half.

Something caught his eyes and he lifts a notepad up; it was one of Bucky’s notebooks.

One of those that was taken from him, back in Bucharest. How did Steve get it?

Bucky looks around and finds all twelve notebooks, a few in the desk, the rest in his bedside table drawer.

Bucky's breath hitch as he sags down on the bed. He read it.

He read it. He read it. He read it.

No... No... Please no... He remembers what he has wrote. He wrote it all.

The torture, the pain, the begging to die. The things they did to him and made him do. He wrote what he did to the victims... The women, children, men... All innocent.

Is that...

Is that why Steve left him?

Is that why Steve barely looked at him that morning. Hardly talked to him since after the fight?

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God...

He picks up the last notebook. There are wet spots in the paper, tear drops... It isn't Bucky's.

"I'm so sorry Steve. I'm so sorry..."

"Barnes?"

Bucky looks up at the door to see Sam holding two mugs.

"Number 12 looks like the final nail in the coffin."

"What?"

"He read it. That's why... He is disgusted with me, that's why he barely looked at me, since we came back..."

"What are you talking about?"

"I wasn't worth it Sam, I'm not worth anything."

"That's not true, listen, come let's go to the living room, let's talk."

Bucky jumps up, shaking his head. He can't stay in this apartment. He is not worth it, to stay anywhere near Steve or his things.

"I got... I have to leave..."

"Barnes wait...."

"I'll call you... Don't worry... Don't stay up..."

Before Sam could do anything, Bucky was out the window and down the building in record time. He will never catch up. Sighing he sits down and opens the fallen notebook.


	174. a handmade gift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> recovery in wakanda

22 June A handmade gift

Bucky has spent the whole day with Shuri. Walking down the market and discovering the rest of Wakanda when he spotted the old book. He stopped at once and his hand reach out on its own accord and picked it up. Shuri turns around and immediately noticed the difference in his posture.

"Bucky?"

Bucky keeps looking at the book in his hand, a slight tremor running through.

"What's wrong? Do you remember something?"

Bucky nods.

"I want this book. Can I have this book. Please?" He silently begs.

Shuri nods.

"Of course. Of course." Taking out a few coins she gives it to the man and steer Bucky towards a side alley, allowing them some private.

Shuri look at the book a little more closely, it's old, very old. Like nearly ancient...

Okay not that old.

But Bucky's time old.

"This book, it stirred a memory?"

Bucky nods. He looks up at Shuri. His eyes bright with unshed tears.

"Becks. My sister... This book came was published in 1924, I was 7 years old, Becks was 4. This is the first book I read on my own and Becks never left me alone for a minute. She made me tell her and Steve the whole story then we had to act it out in the backyard." Shuri watch the emotions and feels her heart breaking for him.

"When it was her birthday, her 5th, Steve and I built her a little boxcar out of old boxes and painted it green, with her name on it. Even though it was just a handmade gift, she played with it the whole summer. By the time I was drafted, she still had the little part with her name on." Bucky's voice trails off as he loses himself in the memory, a lone tear running down his face. The books still tight in his hand, against his chest. Shuri reads the title 'the boxcar children'. Without thinking she wraps her arms around him, pulling him close. Bucky buries his head in her neck, holding her close.

"I miss her. I miss my family." He whispers. Shuri just pulls him tighter, the only comfort she can give.

_Author’s note_

_The boxcar children were published in 1924 and since then, had several stories and even a film adaption._


	175. Common knowledge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> (A bit AU)  
> A what if...

23 June Common knowledge

_(Author's note. This follows the idea that Steve still left but he came back and realized that it wasn't 5 seconds but about 2 years later.)_

Bucky is not in the mood for company, he is done with people. Done. The less he sees them, the better. He even stopped paying attention to the guards bringing him his meals. He has stopped eating. No food, no strength and maybe he can die of starvation or dehydration or whatever. If he had his metal arm, he would choke himself with it. It's not that he wants to kill himself, he is just tired of living. He bit down on his nails the other day, rip the side skin off so it bleeds. He was surprised to see the blood flowing, thought it was all coagulated and dead by now.

Once a month he is allowed one visitor and every month it is the same man: Sam.

Bucky doesn't understand why, it's not like he owes Bucky anything. He is the Captain now, since... Since that day.

Bucky is the Winter Soldier, the traitor. Highest treason. Locked up and he is pretty convinced they forgot his cell code, or whatever the new version is of throwing away the key.

He isn't even going to get up, sitting against the wall is perfect. Besides it's been a few days since he ate properly and can feel his strength weakening.

The overhead noise increases, the guards are coming down with his visitor.

Bucky doesn't even look up. He really isn't in the mood for Sam, not today.

Bucky keeps looking down but could feel Sam's eyes on him.

"I'm not going to stand Wilson, say what you usually do and go home, I'm sure this trip has wasted enough of your time already."

There was no answer. Bucky shrugged and leans his head back, his eyes closed.

It was quiet.

Then the silence broke

By a sob.

Bucky frowns, why on earth would Sam cry.

"Wilson it's been years, you can't pos....si.." Bucky replies turning his head to look at Sam, but it wasn't Sam.

"No… It's not possible...."

It was Steve.

Steve who left.

Steve who made Sam the new Captain, hugged Bucky and fucked off the past.

Steve who left two years, 4 months, 3 weeks and 5 days ago.

Steve who turned his back on everyone. Who left them all broken while he made himself whole in another life? Steve who proved to Bucky he wasn't worth it.

He is standing there, alone, the guards gone, his eyes red.

"Hi Buck."

Bucky's eyes hardened as he slowly stands.

He wants to scream at Steve, he wants to know what is going on, instead he didn't say a thing.

Steve shuffle from one foot to the other.

"You're probably wondering what's going on?"

Bucky blinks but stays quiet.

"Well, it's a long story... And Uhm... I owe you an explanation... Short version is... I came back, a few days ago... Thought it was only going to be 5 seconds... Imagine my surprise finding out a few years has passed...

Wanted to see you... But... Sam... We talked... Long.. Told me everything... Buck why did you allow yourself to be incarcerated? Why would you allow yourself to be thrown in here on the raft? Why would you give up your arm? "

Bucky didn't say a word.

Steve is starting to look uncomfortable.

"I'm going to get you out, it's common knowledge that you are innocent, you don't belong here."

"You don't belong here." Bucky growl out. Steve’s eyes widen.

"Buck..."

"Why did you come back? What happened to your 'one and only chance, your precious Peggy and the white picket fence, and the 2.0 kids....?

Steve stares at Bucky, his voice was so detached, empty.

"Buck... I know I messed up... We have so much to talk about."

"Did you change anything when you went back?"

"What?"

"Did you change anything, saved me, saved SHIELD?"

"No."

"How long where you back there?"

Steve looks away before looking at Bucky with painful eyes.

"Buck..."

"How long?"

"Four years."

"And you did nothing."

"Buck.."

"Leave. I don't want to see you."

"Buck, please... Just give me a chance."

Bucky took a step back and another until he stood against the opposite wall before he turns around his back to Steve.

"Bucky!"

"Please... Just... I'm sorry..."

Steve tried for a while, but Bucky kept on ignoring him.

Steve close his eyes as he looks down. Tears running down his face. Sam warned him. Sam told him not to come, that he should come first, explain the situation. Steve didn't listen, he was too stubborn. Steve looks up at Bucky’s back. He will find out what happened in the time he was gone, why they allowed this. He will get to the bottom of this and then get Bucky out of this place.

"Buck, I know you don't want to see me, that you don't want to hear my explanation. But I'm not giving up. I'm coming back next month. And the month after that. Please... Please... I beg you... Give me a chance to explain."

Bucky didn't move a muscle.

"See you next month Buck." Bucky waited till he could no longer feel Steve before turning around and making sure he was gone before he allowed his body to react seeing Steve. _How dare he… where is Sam? Why… What…_


	176. Good housekeeping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid Bucky

24 June Good housekeeping

Bucky sits on top of the stairs as he watches his mom work. Her belly bigger than normal, he is going to get a brother or sister soon. That's what his Ma and Pa says. He smiles at that. He is going to be a big brother, that means he will be a big kid. He is excited to be a big brother.

Ma says he is brilliant boy and she is very proud of him and will lean on him more than before.

"Bucky, is this okay from up there, no open spots?"

Bucky looks at the small ornaments on the small round table with a vase of new flowers. Mrs Mary from next door brought the vase with flowers earlier the morning, congratulating Winifred on her pregnancy.

"No Ma, it looks pretty."

"Good, now that the neighborhood knows, I'm sure we will get more visits, the church is also coming to visit this month."

"Why?" Bucky asks walking down the stairs to stand next to his Ma.

"It is a routine; home visits give them a chance to visit every member and build a personal relationship with the congregation."

"Oh, is Pa going to be here too?"

Bucky hears the deep sigh.

"I don't know, he is with so many people off sick, he has to put in the extra hours at work."

"Oh. I'll be here Ma." Bucky offers.

Winifred smiles at that.

"And I appreciate it, come on, let's go make some tea, part of good housekeeping is knowing when to make a cup of tea." Bucky smiles and takes her hand.

"With some cookies?"

Winifred laughs out loud.

"Yeah, with some cookies."


	177. Stay hydrated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era  
> (a bit sad)

25 June Stay hydrated

Another successful mission, another celebration at the local bar. It has become the Howlies custom. If possible, they go an celebrate successful missions. Steve usually joins in later. Dumdum was the first to see it, to realize something was wrong so to speak. Their dear Sergeant and make no mistake he were very dear to them. Never gives an order, he won't do himself. He will always go the extra mile for them. Still young, one of the youngest around, but a very good head on his shoulders. Not to mention handsome, the nurses and every other girl thinks he's attractive.

Still, he spends most of his time with his team. He drinks with them, jokes with them, plays cards with them, everything. Later on, Steve would join, after the mission debriefing, or mission planning and Bucky would stay. However, this is where the change comes in. He is more reserved. Quieter, switches from the big glasses of beer to small glasses with whiskey. He would drink slower, be more contemplating and always glance at Steve more than the others.

He would stay for about two drinks before making an excuse to go to the bar counter under the excuse of the 'a man needs to stay hydrated with a team like this'. Steve would just shake his head and Dumdum wants to shake Steve, because how can he not see?

He who is supposed to know their Sergeant their whole lives?

Can't he see the broken smiles?

Can't he see the broken attempts at being normal?

"Gentleman." Dumdum looks up at agent Carter sitting down in the Sergeant's chair smiling at their Captain.

Oh yeah, that's why Steve doesn't see.

Dumdum looks down and shakes his head slightly. It's always a woman.

Steve gets up with the promise of another round and the guys cheer him on. Agent Carter smiles.

Dumdum looks to the side glancing at where Steve is standing next to the chair Bucky sits. They exchanged a few words, a few smiles and then Steve claps Bucky on his shoulder before taking the tray and walking back. Dumdum gets up, excusing himself to go to the bathroom. He passes Bucky who is staring into his glass.

“Oh son, there are no answers there.” Dumdum whispers and to his astonishment, Bucky looks up, their eyes locking.

It's only because they Dumdum knows the words that he can read Bucky's lips.

"Where else can I look?"


	178. Comrades marathon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two year on the run

26 June Comrades marathon

The crowd was wild, shouts of joy and excitement running through the streets. Pretty soon, hundreds of people will be running the streets. Bucky watches it with a detached sort of interest. He can't really be participating; he is wanted after all. Still, the positivity is somehow infectious. It makes him feel happy, make him smile as he listens to it.

Walking down a different street that is a bit calmer he notices the billboards.

His smile falls, he is older than the Comrades marathon, it started in 1921, he was four years. Four...

Bucky stops closes his eyes.

_"Whaoh, did you read about this Buck?"_

_"No, what Steve?"_

_"There's a guy in South Africa and he started this race a couple years ago, when we were still children."_

_"We're still kids Steve."_

_"Shut up and listen... He did it to honour soldiers during the world War with a massive race of over 80 kilometres, that's almost 50 miles!"_

_"No way!"_

_"True as toast. Look here..."_

_"Whao, don't know if it's impressive or crazy."_

_"I wish I could run 50 miles."_

_"Yeah, I would settle for ten."_

_"But you can do it, I can't even do 1..."_

_"It’s okay Stevie, running is overrated."_

Bucky's eyes open and he looks around, it was so vivid, so clear, he can still taste the air, see the old streets in front of him.

Now, they can both do 50 miles, in a matter of minutes. Less than one hour, and what did it cost?

He is on the run, if anyone finds him...

Squaring his shoulders, he readjust his backpack.

"Running is overrated." He mumbles as the sound alert that the marathon is about to start and the crowd cheers.

"Running is overrated."


	179. New moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre-War

27 June New moon

Bucky looks out at the small stall, towards the big posters and back to the people with him. Margie looks happy and all smiling, Steve looks like Bucky, eyebrows raised and sceptical. Denise is excited and staring at the stall, the way Bucky stares at his mom's roast.

"I don't think so..." Bucky tried pulling on Margie's hand. She pulls back.

"Come on, it will be fun!"

Bucky and Steve share a look. This does not look like fun. ‘ _Crystal ball reading'_.

Margie and Denise want to have their fortunes told. Bucky and Steve don’t. They want to go get a beer...

In the end, they went. The girls went first, then Steve, Bucky will go last.

Steve came out and Bucky wants to bend over from laughter but instead spend the energy keeping his face neutral. He knows that look. Steve is not impressed.

While Denise and Margie still have an in-depth discussion about their future Bucky pulls Steve do the side.

"What's wrong?"

"That was a total waste of time."

"Why?"

"Oh, your life will change just like a new moon, for the better. Great things in your future, terrible but great. You will change lives and see things most will only imagine. _A great destiny_.... Blah blah..."

"Steve..."

"As if... Things one only reads in novels will come to pass and I will live it... Oh please..."

"Like what? Robinson Crusoe or Jane Austin?"

"Sci-fi stuff...."

Before Bucky can ask more the girls tell him it's his turn and to hurry up, they want to go dancing...and Bucky and Steve want their beer.

Bucky goes in and the women smiles sweetly at him.

Taking a breath he sits down and waited as she did her thing before staring into the crystal ball. Her eyes widen and fills with fear. Bucky was starting to get scared too, everyone came out laughing, Steve was pissed... Bucky is scared.

"Oh... My... Dear... Boy... My dear boy...." She kept muttering and Bucky is getting more restyle.

"What do you see?"

The woman looks up and grabs Bucky's hands.

"Terror, absolute terror. My dear boy, the things you will go through! Horrible things!" Her voice was getting louder and Bucky could hear Steve's voice from outside calling to him.

The woman had tears running down her face. She looks back to the entrance where Steve was.

"He will find you, and lead you to yourself again... But the cost... The time...."

Bucky pulls his hands out for hers as if burned. His face pale.

"What do you mean? What's going to happen to me?"

The woman puts her hands against her mouth.

"Everything."

The curtain is pushed back and Steve steps in, looking determined.

"Buck? You okay?"

Bucky looks at Steve then back to the woman.

"Let's get out of here." Bucky utters and without saying anything stands up and walks out with Steve. The woman looks after them, her eyes filled with sorrow and pain.

"Oh dear boy, so pure... The things they'll put you through..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have anything against seers and so on, please don't see this as me making fun of it.


	180. Why they died…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> Sad - very SAD!  
> A f#$% you to Steve, again...sorrynotsorry

28 June Why they died…

The wind is blowing through the trees, the soft rustle calming Bucky as he stands at the graves. His parent's. It's been a long time since he came to see them, to visit. The last time he was here he planted a small rose tree, it is still standing. Bucky plucks off the dead leaves and the dead parts. His Ma taught him how to prune certain plants. At least the knife he always carries is handy.

Once done he stands back at the foot of the grave, his own was a few yards away.

Bucky became aware of the figure slowly walking up to him and he purse his lips.

"What are you doing here? You didn't bury your wife in this cemetery."

Bucky asks and turns around to see Steve standing there, looking every bit his old age. He eyes were tired, sad.

Bucky didn't care.

"And your Ma is a few yards in the other direction. If you're lost, I can draw you a map." Steve's face turns sadder.

"I came to see you. You've been refusing to see me for weeks now, and I don't know why?"

Bucky snorts but then his shoulders sag and the fight left him.

"You haven't spoken to me in more than 70 years, why on earth would you suddenly have a need to speak to me?"

"Buck..."

"Tell me something." Bucky interrupted, his voice soft, his eyes still on the graves.

"What?"

"Tell me why they died not knowing I was alive. Tell me why they mourned me while you dance the night away, smiling and making plans for the bright future? Tell me what did our family, what the Barnes family did to receive your betrayal? Because I remember... I remember my Ma inviting your Ma for dinner multiple times. I remember running to your house, my arms full of 'extra' food. I remember spending nights by your side, promising your Ma you wouldn't die on my watch. I remember everything my parents did for yours, so why did you betray them, me?"

Here Bucky finally looks up to Steve, to see the tears running down Steve's face.

"Was it because of me, of the monster I've become?"

Steve's eyes widen.

"No Buck, never... You were always good to me; I would've been dead ten times over if it wasn't for you and your family."

"Then why Steve? Why didn't you do anything? Why didn't you tell them? Why did you allow them to fall apart, me being ripped apart again and again, while you made plans for dinner parties and pretending everything was fine? Was I the price to pay for your happiness? You could've told me; I would have paid it gladly. But... Not like this."

"Buck, I'm so sorry..."

"Doesn't make it right."

It was silent, both with pain in their hearts, and tears in their eyes. Bucky looks away, to the direction of his grave.

"Come with me..." He orders and Steve slowly starts to follow him, the small bouquet of flowers in his hands.

They came to a stop at another grave and Steve eyes filled with new tears. Bucky looks at the stone, his face hard.

 _His_ grave, _his_ name, _his_ dates...

He points to the marble stone.

"You were there when I died. You weren't at my funeral, and I tell you today Steven Rogers, you will not be at my second one. Whenever I die, tomorrow or next week, or years from now. You were at your wife's, twice. You carried her casket twice at the same time, but you will not be at mine, and I promise you today, I won't be at yours. I was at your first one, when the real Steve. My Stevie, died, on a platform, holding a hammer and a case, but I won't be at your second one. Leave your flowers at my grave, because I remember. I remember them all, just like I remember you leaving. They are one and the same."

Steve starts to cry, his shoulders starting to shake.

"Buck... Please."

"Please what? You said 'it will be okay Buck' but for whom? Certainly not for me."

"Please don't walk away, please give me a chance..."

"After this, you will never see me again. But don't worry Steve. It's going to be okay."

Bucky replied and then he turned around and walked away. 


	181. Good posture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre war Bucky

29 June Good posture

The book fell with a loud dud and Bucky looks up for the umpteenth time.

"What are you doing?"

"It helps with good posture." Becky replies picking up the book and placing it back on her head and then trying to walk upright balancing the book.

Bucky watch her fondly rolling his eyes with every step she takes.

"You look silly doing that."

Becky gives a loud puff but continues to walk around the kitchen with the book on her head.

"You say silly, but Frank said I look lovely and he wants to take me to the dance next Saturday." Bucky stops what he is doing and face his sister.

"Frank? Franky Houston from 5 blocks over?"

"Uh huh... He also said that I'm the finest dame this side of New York."

Bucky pulls a face seeing the ridiculous smile on his sister's face.

"I bet he did, he just wants one thing Becky, you shouldn't fall for the first guy calling you pretty. Besides how does he know what the dames look on the other side of Brooklyn? Anyway, aren't you a little young for going on dates? Did you ask Ma?"

Becky glares at her brother, dropping the book again.

"Ma says it's fine, we are a group going out, and I am sixteen, same age as you were when you went out dancing with Steve."

"Yeah, but you're a dame."

"Meaning I can't go out? How old were the girls you took out."

"That's different."

"Oh, how come?"

"They weren't my little sister." Bucky answers and Becky raised her eyes, looking at him.

He is so overprotective of her, and the others. Making sure all of them was fine and want for nothing, even Steve. He was like a second brother, where Bucky is overprotective, Steve was like a second in command.

"It's just dancing Bucky."

"But it's with a boy."

"Do you prefer me dancing with girls?"

Becky asks smiling at her brother.

He glares at her.

"Yes."

"Too bad, maybe the Saturday after next." She offers with smile and got up, practicing walking with the book once more. Bucky sighs. He knows he is overprotective, but it is his sister, but, she is growing up. She is not a little girl anymore but a young woman, and pretty soon, the boys will come knocking. Well, they must get by him first, and Steve. Bucky smiles broadly, he should go to Steve's. They should go dancing Saturday, he needs to check up on his sister, makes sure 'Frank' treats her right.


	182. gifts galore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two year before Civil War

30 June Gifts galore

Bucky is sitting in the internet Cafe a paper cup with a steaming hot drink. Salted caramel latte. It was on special, but one gets a pastry for half price. Bucky didn't really care about the price, but it did sound good. The custard filled pastry long gone. Bucky already knows he will buy it again once he leaves. It is very good.

The shop is quiet, each person with his own thoughts and things to do. The loudest sounds are the typing. 

Bucky loves it. It's quiet, yet noisy, filled with people, but still isolated.

He is only passing through the town before heading back to countryside. He is on his way to see the Grand Canyon. Even on the run, he is planning to make a quick stop there. He got the skills to blend in, and to get lost if needed. He has never been there, and he remembers something vaguely about always wanting to go there.

Clicking away on the web pages his eye caught the little corner with the date and time. June... It's the end of June, Steve's birthday is approaching. He doesn't remember much, but he does remember that Steve's birthday is in July and Bucky would always try to make it special. 'you never knew if it was going to be his last.' A little voice provided in his mind. He frowns... Why... Oh yes. He was small and ill. That takes a bit of getting used to. His memories is so intertwined with Steve, small and big, but still Steve.

Now that his memories are coming back, he wonders if he should buy him a gift. He can't give it to him, but maybe he can send it?

But what?

What can he possibly get for Steve?

He still has a few minutes to spend in the Cafe, his coffee is almost finish. Opening a new search engine, he starts to type gift for birthdays in. Once the results show up his eyes widen at the thousands of results showing up. That is incredible. Even shops especially made for gifts. There is a few shops called 'gift galore' and from the looks of it, have everything a person can possibly want to buy.

He is not sure, what do get Steve.

Socks?

Paint?

Pencils?

Without rhyme or reason he starts looking at vintage gifts and things when he saw it...

A Bucky bear...

He can buy one, but will Steve know what he wants to say? Will the message come across even if Bucky can't be there to explain?

He has to try right?

One day he will see Steve again, and maybe he can explain more that day, but in the meantime... This can work.


	183. ETA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> No Steve 😉

All the lovely banners were made by kocuria, find her on [Tumblr!](https://kocuria.tumblr.com)  
You can find me as well at [Tumblr!](https://acrushedrosestillwins.tumblr.com/)  


* * *

* * *

1 July ETA

Sam reads the note and shake his head.

_Gone 4 run. ETA 8._

Ever since Bucky and Sam moved into the house in the woods, Bucky has decided to go for early morning runs. Sam knows it is a way for him to get rid of extra energy, but he also knows it's more than that. It's a way for Bucky to clear his head, to figure things out and to make peace with several things. Steve leaving and coming back old, is the biggest one. Sam can see the amount of effort it took Bucky to smile that day, to pretend everything is fine. That he is okay, even more so, that he is happy. To Sam it is clear as daylight that Bucky is everything but fine. It seeps out of him and this note is pretty much the longest sentence he got out of Bucky. These past few weeks he has learned to become quite fluent in Bucky speak. He knows what the one eyebrow raise mean. He knows what the small frown means, not to mention the death Winter Soldier stare when the name 'Steve' is mentioned.

He glances at his watch. 7:57.

Putting the kettle on he takes out two mugs and the container with cookies. Turns out Bucky can bake as well...

Taking it outside he puts it on the small table exactly at 8, with a bottle of water. Sitting down he watch as Bucky came walking up the small cabin steps. His breath was even. He wasn't even sweaty. Sam narrows his eyes.

It's one of those days. Bucky went out very early running until he no longer could then sit somewhere alone with his thoughts before walking back.

"Good morning."

Bucky puts the cap back on the water bottle before picking up his coffee.

"Morning."

"Good run?"

"Yes."

Two words, quite the feat.

"I need to go into town for a meeting, want to come along?"

Bucky shakes his head.

He never does. He did once, the first day when Fury had a meeting with them, about the new plans and moving on, and what's ahead and so on. Bucky didn't mind that, he was looking forward to it. He and Fury got along, they talked, and everything was civil. Then it all went up shit creek. As they left Steve appeared and agreed to 'help out' and it all went downhill. Steve is still blissfully ignorant, happy with his choice and has no idea the pain he left behind.

Since that day, Bucky refuse to go to the meetings with Sam, Sam knows Bucky doesn't want to run into Steve. He is still trying to reconcile with his new life, his new place in the world.

"I'll bring some dinner anything you feel like?"

Bucky looks down. Sam watching him closely, he is still so fragile, so scared to voice his opinions, his requests as if it will be taken away from him. It wasn't like this when he was in Wakanda, he was getting better, confident, and now...

He looks at Sam and Sam wish he could put that previous confidence back in Bucky's eyes.

"That steak pie... We had some time ago, I liked that."

"Cool man, steak pie it is, with some oven baked fries?"

Bucky gives him a shy smile.

"Yes."

"Okay, sounds good, but we will have some tomato slices too, some inkling of a salad...

Then, to Sam's amazement Bucky burst out laughing. His face lost he tightness and the wrinkles around his eyes fold together as he laughs.

"Maybe add some cucumber too, for colour."

"Smartass." Sam answers and stands up reaching for the tray.

"Don't. I'll clean up."

"Thanks."

Sam waited till he was in his room before raising his fist into the air. Almost a full conversation. 

Progress.

A little bit of the weight falls off his shoulders and he know, they will be okay, given time.


	184. a short story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> Remember that non existent conversations between Bucky and Steve...about his decision to stay...

2 July a short story

Bucky stood to the side watching as Steve got dressed in his suit to return the stones. His heart is breaking, and he finally knows the truth: he isn't worthy for Steve to stay. He isn't worthy of anything really.

He looks down to his clothes, he didn't think he would be welcome at the funeral, so he didn't bother with a suit, then Pepper said he is more than welcome. Just as he is. At least she sees a bit of worth in him.

So, here is, in his black jeans and leather jacket.

He looks at Steve's silhouette in the mirror, it's the last time he will ever see this man again, this beautiful man and so so good. His eyes are haunted and who can blame him after all this time, after everything he has seen.

A small part can't help it, but he needs Steve to know, but he also can't tell him, not in this lifetime or timeline.

"Steve..."

Steve stops what he is doing and turns to Bucky. The question in his eyes. Bucky takes a step forward.

"Out there I will play my part I won't say anything but in here, it's just the two of us, so I'll come clean. I need to ask you two favours please, when you go back, I know you're staying, so please, allow me my two requests."

Steve opens his mouth to reply, to deny it but Bucky shakes his head.

"Come on Steve, don't underestimate me like this." Steve close his mouth and looks down.

"One, I don't know to what time you will go back too, but go see my Ma, tell her I died a good death, that I had no pain... Two, when you have a chance, there is a letter, in a small metal box at the foot of the Brooklyn Bridge... That one hide-out we used to hide from that group of boys... Behind the.... 9th or 10th stone is the box. It's for you. I never wanted you know, but hey, after today I may never see you again, so what the hell..."

"Buck..."

"Read it and forget it. Lastly, don't hate me okay... If you do, take solace that I will receive many decades worth of torment, but don’t hate me, your hate would complete break me."

Steve frowns and wants to say something when there was a knock on the door and it opened, it was the professor.

"Steve, you ready?"

"Yeah, he is ready." Bucky answers and passes Bruce out putting an end to the conversation. He already said to much.

Steve never did get a chance to say anything more as they were surrounded by Sam and Bruce. They did the hugs, the see you so soon... And then Steve was gone.

Bucky didn't wait for that five seconds, the moment Steve disappeared, Bucky took off. Leaving Sam and Bruce behind.

1949

Steve is still wiping his eyes as he makes his way to the side of the bridge where he and Bucky hid. He just got back from the Barnes house, two requests, one down…

He finds the hide-out easy; they were stuck in that small space nearly an hour. Steve ducks down into the space, it is so much smaller, wasn't when he was stuck in here back then.

The stone was loose, and Steve had no trouble finding it.

The metal box was small, and Steve sits down with the box. It's been a while since he went back, and he and Peggy are engaged and have already set a date. He is happy or as happy as one can be.

The box was a bit rusted, but he had no problem opening it with his strength. Inside was a small wooden heart. One of the of Becky's toys. He remembers she made them look everywhere in the end, Bucky's mom had to offer a red button as substitute. He smiles, can't believe Bucky took it and pretended he had no idea what happened to it.

He opens the letter.

_Stevie..._

_If you read this... Well, I have no idea since I'm hiding it in a brick wall never for anyone to see. It's time I came clean. I lied._

_I didn't enlist, I was drafted. I felt ashamed to tell you the truth because the thing is, I don't want to go to war. I never ever wanted to go to a place and be in a position that I point a weapon to another human being and take his life. How am I supposed to live with myself knowing I played god?_

_Oh well... That's a story for another day._

_This letter is for you. A short story so to speak._

_Once there was a boy, just some idiot jerk of a boy who fell I love with the wrong person, and the wrong gender. I read in the library that thousands of years ago, in ancient Greece that it was okay, it was normal for boys to like boys and girls to like girls. (If I only had a time machine.)_

_You see, I only love five people in this entire world, and that's my Ma, my sisters and you. Yes, you. With your eyes like open blue skies, the only freedom I knew. I would read those poems and stories in books and I would say to myself, this author clearly had a Stevie too. Other boys would laugh and scorn at the literature trash, but I... I understood, I know how that person felt, when he wrote those sonnets and poems and songs. I would know, because that's what I feel when I look at you. Stevie, I'm a dead scared man. Of going to war, because I know, I may not come back, and if I do, it's for you. Only you. (maybe my Ma and sisters too, but mostly you.)_

_I know one thing though, if I make it back, I'm going to hug your little body for two days straight. As long as I have you, I don't need anything else. I promise you; I will even stand back and watch you marry some dame, and wish you luck, and be your best man, teasing you about your nerves. I will teach you how to dance that first dance, so you don't step on her toes. Just promise me this, don't ever name your kid after me okay, that might break me for real. Give them good names, like Samuel or Sebastian, or Anthony or Joseph after your Da. That's good names. Not mine. I can take it all, watch you from the side lines, heaven knows, I've been doing it for years, but I can't take that, alright Stevie. Not even if I don't come back. I hope I come back. I hope I get to see your eyes once again. And your smile, the purest thing ever._

_I have to go; you will be home soon. Got to pretend I'm happy for enlisting while I make us some dinner. Sorry Stevie, it's oatmeal again._

_Oh... The heart..._

_Well, it's symbolic, since you will always have mine._

_Always._

Steve sat against the brick wall frozen stiff with tears running down his eyes. He was so so blind. All that time. Natasha joked about it, Sam made a comment, and he wished it was real, and now.... He has no particles left. He can't go back, he will never see Bucky again, never tell him it wasn't one sided.

And Bucky...

He knew.

_"Read it and forget it. Lastly, don't hate me okay..."_

"Oh God, what have I done."


	185. temptations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 Era

3 July temptations

The atmosphere is light and the crowd rowdy and noisy. Bucky is quiet as he washes the mud and grime from his body. Four new bruises. Every day is an adventure in this new. He touches a particular sore spot underneath his ribs on the right. At least he is still alive. He will take bruises any day, that means he isn't dead yet. They almost lost a few out there.

As the water runs down the drain Bucky takes the time to quickly wash and get out before the water turns cold. The others are still joking around and making plans. Bucky is quiet, although he talks when someone talks back, it will be a while before he is rowdy like the others. After all these months he still isn't used to how little life means out there and how quickly it can change.

The war took away the shock of seeing blood and body parts, that's for sure, you had to adapt or lose your mind. But it doesn't mean that Bucky didn't feel it, that he didn't took a while longer before he could joke around with the other guys.

Dressing quickly, he made his way to the barracks.

Dumdum was getting ready to go out when Bucky got in.

"Hey Sarge, are you coming with us to the pub? First round is on me."

He shouldn't, he wants to be alone, just for a while, but then again, who knows how long before they get the chance again.

"Yeah, just need to pack away my stuff."

"Good man, I'll wait for you."

"Thanks."

"No problem, besides our boys need to stick together, who knows what temptations waits for us. I heard that the ranks plan to bring us a USO show this year!"

Bucky smiles. He has heard about these USO shows and although he isn't the greatest fan of them, he appreciates the gesture nonetheless. As for tonight however, somehow there is always a girl or two at these pubs, and always willing to make soldier forget about the horror of war. 

Bucky has never met a girl who can take that away, although he has a friend... A friend too pure for this kind of world, even if the idiot thinks he should be here.

Bucky puts on a huge smile and push his thoughts away.

"Aww, that's great, I better sign you up for the first dance then..."


	186. Bitcoin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre Civil war

4 July bitcoin

After Bucky hits the first safe house, he knew he had to hide the stacks of cash. The problem is, many of them can't or should not be tracked or traced back to him. He needs to hide it, but also a place where he can find it quickly enough and without a trace back to him. There were not only stacks of cash he could use, but also stashed in several bank accounts.

First thing first.

He will use the safe house as long as possible, to regroup and making plans for the foreseeable future. There is enough food to last a long time, enough technology, until it gets cut off or whatever will happen now that Hydra doesn't exist. There is enough clothes that he can use for months and enough passports to pick and choose.

He picks 3 and gets started.

Matthew Cooke uses 20 000 and invest it in offshore markets.

Cory Lindsay decides to invest in crypto currency. 10 000 in bitcoin, 10 000 in Ethereum and a few hundred in the rest.

Tracy Womack decides to spend the remainder of the thousands by donating it to various charities and organizations. When he is done, the account is empty, and he closes it with a few clicks. It won't be traced back. Hydra knew how to stop that, since they did most of the tracking themselves. If he ever needs money, he can withdraw it and it will be with new bills, and new codes and numbers. But he won't, there is too many safe houses and too many stacks of cash to withdraw. He will go to every safe house and transfer the money elsewhere.

The microwave dings alerting him, his lunch is ready. Bucky gets up and switch the PC off. Taking his lunch, he goes upstairs to the balcony and sits down against the wall, overlooking the ocean.

It's a sunny day, and people are running around, walking down the street, some are on the beach, others swimming and some surfing. Bucky watches them and with every bite, his body relaxes a bit more, and his eyes lose the intensity. He still has a long way to go before being even remotely okay, but this moment here, is enough, for now.


	187. watch your language

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

5 July watch your language

It wasn't easy to get out of the barracks without being noticed, but Bucky was able to do it. Steve was having another meeting with the Colonel and Agent Carter. Most of the survivors of the 107th are either released from the med bay or celebrating the fact that they were going home.

Bucky wasn't, and it isn't because he didn't want to. He did. Everything in him is telling him to pack it up and go.

Which is why it was so hard to stay, so hard to meet the person at the pre-arranged time.

It was a spot only they knew, found it a while back, a small cave, if even that about a mile from the camp.

Bucky knows that tonight is going to be their last, probably forever. His heart ache with the thought but still his legs carry him towards the spot. He can hear him, making a small fire, the crackling reaching his ears from a couple of yards. He clenches his teeth, he isn't supposed to hear it, but ever since Steve pulled him from that table...

Pushing that aside he walks closer.

"Myron?"

The man turns around and his smile widens.

"Bucky." He opens his arms and Bucky walks straight into them, wrapping his arms around him. Myron does the same.

"I've been waiting the whole day." Myron whispers as he starts to kiss Bucky's neck. Bucky raises his head to give him more access.

"Yeah? Me too."

"Today has just been a fucked-up day straight from a horse's ass..."

"Hey, what's your language." Bucky scolds but it came out half-heartedly.

Myron looks up.

"Oh, excuse me, says mister, I know how to cuss you in three languages and the seas won't wash you clean."

"Two and half...actually... It's not so much the language, I'm just thinking you can use that mouth a little more productive."

Bucky answers with a look that can make anyone's knees buckle.

It worked as Myron pulls him towards the small cave, undoing the buttons on his shirt.

Once inside the find a spot more comfortable.

"Bucky?" Myron suddenly turned serious. Bucky places his hands on Myron's face.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm going to miss you, so much. I wish we could go home together; I wish we stood a chance."

Bucky looks into Myron's eyes, his own filling with sadness.

"Me too. I'm so sorry My..."

"Me too. Tonight, is our last, and I want it to be happy, a happy memory."

Bucky pulls him closer hugging him close. He turns so his mouth is next to Myron's ear.

"Me too. Just know, every memory of you, is a good memory, for now and always. Every memory I will treasure."

Myron hugged him tight.

"I'll treasure your memory Bucky Barnes."

"Please, I have a feeling I will need it."


	188. To the bone

6 July to the bone

What if...

(Remember that part in Civil War, when Bucky was down, holding his arm out and Tony shot him, but Steve was just in time with the shield and protected him.... What if Steve was a second too late and Tony shot Bucky?)

Bucky held out his flesh hand, in hopeless attempt to protect himself, but he knows its futile. He can see Steve coming to try and intervene, but he won't be on time. Bucky watches as Tony's suit hover a few feet away from him, his arm outstretched. He knows this is it. This is the moment he is going to die.

It happens in slow motion, Steve's mouth falls open as a cry comes out, the blast from Tony's suit the exact same time. Bucky's hand is still outstretched trying to stop an impossible blast.

The impact hits him in the chest, more to the right. His mouth falls open, but the scream falls out in a soft whimper. Bucky blinks trying to determine the damage and if his healing can do something.

It can't.

Bucky falls back, the metallic taste of blood in his mouth. His eyes try to focus but it can't, until a face pops in his line of vision.

"Buck... Oh God...please... Please.... Nonononono.... No... Buck...."

Bucky smiles or tries to.

"Ste... Vie..."

"Hold on, please just hold on..."

Steve looks around trying to find something to stem the blood, but there is nothing. Metal upon metal, everything around him is metal. What he can see is damage to the bone, for a brief moment he can see metal around some bone too, between the ribs. He saves it for reflection later one. Steve rips off his suit top, to the t-shirt underneath before he rips it off him and presses it down on Bucky's wounds. The shirt is soaked immediately.

Bucky groans.

"Steve...I lied... At the ao.. Aprment... I remember...not just... Read about you. I remember... Everything... My punk... My Steve..."

"Hold on, please..."

Suddenly someone shows up at his right and he tries to push t them away growling, thinking it is Tony. It's T'Challa.

"I can help! Captain let me help."

Steve has tears running down his face and he move to the side, both ignoring Tony watching from a distance.

"Bucky... Please... I just found you... I just found you. Please... Don't... Leave... Not again... Please... Steve begs as he leans down his face inches from Bucky's.

Bucky tries to lift his metal hand, but he fails. His eyes focused on Steve.

T'Challa in the meantime has pulled out a few syringes and was injecting it into Bucky and were using technology and equipment Steve had never seen before, but he didn't care, as long as it's helping.

"Steve...you... Need... To... Know..."

"Shh, save your strength...."

"You're my strength Steve. You’re... My eve...everything."

"Captain help me, lift him up, we need to get him to my jet, right now..." T'Challa ordered and Steve pushed him away and to everyone's surprise he lifted Bucky up bridal style, holding him close.

"Lead the way." He ordered his voice frantic and T'Challa got up, leading the way outside.

Steve kept whispering.

"You're going to be okay, hang on... Please... I'm lost without you, please... I just got you back, please Buck... Please Buck...this is not the end, please..."

Tony could only stare as Steve cried and begged Bucky to live, after Bucky just basically declared his love... He looks down, to see the blood on the floor, next to Steve's shield, discarded as if it meant nothing.


	189. Donut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wakanda recovery

7 July donut

Bucky wakes up to the smell of a smell drifting through the hut, it was amazing. He smiles immediately and reach across the bed to feel it empty, but not cold. He likes that. Steve is visiting him in Wakanda and it happens that if falls right on Bucky's birthday.

A sudden curse from the kitchen area makes Bucky snort out loudly before he gets up and makes his way to the table.

Steve is busy making breakfast, but it isn't normal breakfast. Oh no, he just loaded a tray with fresh baked croissants, okay, pre-made and frozen, but still, Steve did all the work by putting it in the oven. However, they were filled with sweet things, a few with soft pale-yellow custard, some with fluffy white cream, and some with chocolate mousse. Next to it was the most colourful covered donuts he hasn't seen since his time on the run. Round donut with bright pink icing, blue, green and red with different decorative pieces.

"Are we opening a pastry shop?" He asks watching all the delights

Steve blushes as he shakes his head.

"Uhm... I saw the pastries yesterday at the market and ordered them, they delivered it early this morning, I asked Shuri for help."

"The croissants?"

"Made them myself." Steve replied looking very proud of himself.

"Steve, why so many sweet pastries?"

Steve looks down before looking back at Bucky, his face shy.

"For all the birthdays I missed and the ones we shared but were too poor to buy more than just a flatbread. We can eat this, it won't affect us like others, and I wanted to make it special."

Bucky swallows the lump before he walks around the table, he still isn't used to much physical touch, but with Steve he is starved so he pulls him into a hug.

"Thank you, Steve. It means a lot, but the fact that I can be here with you, still means it's the best birthday ever."

"Same Buck. You and me."

"You and me pal."

They let go, both with red-rimmed eyes. Steve clears his throat.

"I was planning on bringing it to bed, with coffee, you weren't supposed to wake so early."

"I can go back and pretend to sleep?"

"Jerk. Let's eat."

"Thanks Steve, for everything."

"Happy birthday Buck."

They sit down each with a mug of steaming coffee and the tray with pastries in front of them. Steve took a blue donut, while Bucky went straight to the custard croissant.

The talked about their childhood, about the Howlies, about their plans, having the best breakfast ever.


	190. alteration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

8 July alteration

Bucky is sitting on his bed, or more accurately, his cot. He was lucky, or more precisely, bargained to get the one in the corner.

It felt safer, but it isn't, not really, if someone shoots or blows the barracks, he would be one of the first to go. It felt safer, mentally, like he wasn't surrounded.

Now, it felt isolated. He might bargain for a new spot, right in the middle, between the men. Between Dumdum and Jones if he can. Both have a calming presence on him. He won't admit it out loud, though, but they do. Maybe because they're a bit older, a bit wiser or something, Bucky isn't sure.

He should get ready; they all have the night off and have booked a table the pub. Steve is going to be there as well. It will be the first time he and Bucky will be together in months. The last time was at the Expo.

Bucky looks at his uniform and suddenly doesn't want to wear it. It's been weeks, and he just came back from a factory where uniforms meant nothing.

Sighing deeply, he stands up and puts on his jacket, watching himself in the small mirror as close the buttons.

The jacket is... Smaller.

It fitted perfectly before he went out and got captured. They were starved and tortured at that factory and now his uniform is too big for him.

He hates it. He will either need to find a way to get the lost pounds back or make a few alternations to the clothes. If it was a small alteration, he could do it himself, his Ma taught him how to do buttons and a seam... But this... It's a few sizes smaller. He is not that talented.

Squaring his shoulders, he stares at his image.

He can also pretend it doesn't bother him, put on a wide smile and distract anyone from noticing. He is good with distracting people.

He is also good at pretending everything is fine.

He smiles widely and the smile turns into a grimace.

He will practice on the way to the pub.

Easy as pie.


	191. Waiting for a lift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

9 July waiting for a lift

Bucky tries to take a deep breath, but it comes out in shallow gasps with a metallic taste. He tries to open his eyes but it's cold, and tears are running down the sides.

He tries to move but only a painful moan escapes, but his body didn't move.

His eyes fall close again, and he sleeps.

His eyes open and it's cold. He tries to warm his hands but his arms don’t move, the people and cars drive by. The snow and sleek splashing against his legs. He jumps onto the curve and walks to the small man standing under an arch. His arms tight against his body, the scarf old and thin, basically useless against his neck. Bucky struggles to lift his arms and pulls his scarf off.

"Dammit Steve, what are standing here for, you're going to catch a cold."

"I'm waiting for a lift the bus is late. my back hurts too much to walk all the way back to the apartment."

"Looks more like you're waiting for the grim reaper." Bucky answers as he puts his scarf around Steve and tries to his body to block the worst wind.

"It's not so bad, what are you doing here, the way home from the dock is the other way."

"Yeah, Ma asked me to drop off a package at the church after work, saw you across the street, come on, let's go home."

Steve starts to follow Bucky before he stops and turns to Bucky, suddenly his face was bigger his eyes scared.

"Bucky what happened to your arm?"

"What?"

"Buck, why is blood running down your nose?

Bucky looks down before he gasps, he isn't wearing his old ragged brown coat anymore, and where his left arm use to be, is nothing, just red ice. Red ice...

Blood, snow.... He looks up to Steve, but Steve is gone. Bucky’s whole perspective changes, he isn't standing anymore but laying down.

He coughs up it doesn't help, he can feel the blood bubbling out of his mouth the warm a stark contrast against his cold face.

“St... St.... "

He can hear a soft crunching sound, footsteps... He wants to smile... Steve... Steve is coming...

No...He fell.... Steve is up.... There.... The train... So... Who...

He tries to move, but it only causes another coughing fit and more blood bubbling out.

He can see the dark silhouettes approaching, it's not Steve. He close his eyes and tries to open it again, but it won't.

He keeps it close and hopes the pain stops soon.


	192. Alice said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2

10 July Alice said

Bucky is standing in front of the mirror, his shirt open. His eyes are haunted but with a hint of panic and fear. Half the injuries he received have healed. The bruises minimal compared to a few days ago.  
He knows something is wrong, it's not supposed to be like this. His ears were bleeding a few days ago, electricity running through his body, and his hearing is excellent, he noticed on the walk back, he would hear something before anyone else, well, after Steve, but only by a few seconds... Not minutes...  
Everything feels different, even the material, and it's his usual outfit.  
Taking a breath, he turns around in front of the mirror, just as the tent flap opens and his small 5'4 friend, now 6'2 walks in.  
"Buck..."  
"Hi Steve, everything okay?"  
"I should ask you."  
"Oh, nothing a night out in town won't help, and a proper bed..."  
"It's just..."  
"What? I'm okay, if you're still worried about that, the nurse said I'm well underway to be my old self. With a few memories, I'd rather not have, but still... I'm here, well and good, thanks to you."  
"Alice said..."  
"Who's Alice?"  
"The nurse, I overheard her talking to another nurse as they worked. She noticed something strange about your bruises..."  
Bucky feels his body freeze. He tried so hard to hide it, so hard, he put on every charm and smile he used back in Brooklyn, he even winked and offered to take her dancing.  
"She did?"  
"Yeah, she said she has never seen bruises like that before, and not in that state of healing after so soon of to.. You know... Inf...liction.."  
"Torture. You can say it. I know what happened I was there!" Bucky offered, his voice getting louder. Why should they not say it, he and Steve have never walked on eggshells before.  
Steve flinches slightly.  
"I'm sorry..."  
"Don't be, you actually prevented another bout of torture, so thanks for that."  
"Buck..."  
"Its fine. She shouldn't have said anything I'm fine. The torture was more internal that's why, she didn't ask, and I didn't offer it up. Besides, I don't think she is an expert on scientists and their methods, blown up soldiers and amputating limbs... Sure... " Bucky tries, trying to make light of it, but he knew it fell flat and from Steve's expression, gave him mental images, he can do without. He is an artist first and foremost, he sees it in his mind’s eye.  
"Sorry, put you off your dinner?"  
"No... No... It's fine, shall we go ahead to the mess hall?" Bucky looks down before he looks up again, he will go later tonight to the medbay, see if she has written anything down about her observations... No one must get suspicious, until then, he must pretend everything is fine.  
" Yeah, let me get my jacket first."


	193. check table cloth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre war  
> Something silly and sweet

11 July check tablecloth

Becca watch the two boys trying her best to keep from laughing. Bucky and Steve have moved into their own apartment, now that they are 'grown-ups". Still, weekends are for visiting, a fancy word to say, they still do laundry at mom's house, and have dinner...

But... It is called _'visiting'_.

Bucky and Steve have three piles of clothes on the floor. Their trousers, the shirts and then the socks and ' _gentleman delicates'_ behind a box, so Becca can't see it. As if she didn't help their Ma to wash laundry for years...even when Bucky was still living in the house, a few weeks ago.

"Do you two need help?" Becca asks, arranging the utensils on the check tablecloth. Ma is getting guests over tomorrow after church and needs all the kitchen cutlery to be spotless.

"No, we are fine thank you." Bucky replies as he looks at the machine, a frown on his face. Becca bit her lips.

"Trousers first, right?" Bucky asks Steve pointing to the piles.

"I think shirts..." Steve answers with a shrug.

Becca sighs loudly and rolls her eyes.

"The undergarments, or in your case _'secret delicates'_."

Both stare at her, Steve's cheeks red as he blushes.

"Not in front of you." Bucky replies with indignation and both step in front of the box with their underwear and socks.

"Oh my... The two of you are beyond ridiculous, you both know that last month, I helped Ma with the washing, and the weekend before that, and the one before that..."

"Yeah, and..."

"And my dear brother and adopted brother one, I know exactly what your undergarments are, and I have wash it before, so you have two choices, either accept my help, and still have garments, or do it yourself in an attempt of being all manly and independent or be ready to buy new ones as you certainly will have nothing left... "

Bucky and Steve stare at her before turning to each other.

"Tell you what, I will turn around, put the garments in here... And I will tell you what to do..."

"Yeah, okay..."

"Men... Okay put it in here... Add one cup of that powered soap bar and fill it with water."

The men stood still. Becca put her hands on her hips.

"What?"

Bucky steps forward.

"You haven't turned around yet."

Becca narrows her eyes and threw her hands up before turning around. Once her back was to them, she could hear them shuffling around, doing what she said.

"You two owe me... Got it?"

"Yeah, thanks sis."

"Thank you Becca."


	194. Hurricane Edith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre Civil War  
> Bucky trying to remember

12 July hurricane Edith

The pen shake in Bucky's hand, the small tremors running through his body. He hasn't had a proper meal in two days, living off of scraps and cookies and crisps and water. It keeps him alive and fed, but he is craving or more his body needs a good proper meal. The old Hydra safe house is in front of him, a few yards away, but it is in a good family orientated neighbourhood. He can only go in after dark, so he is waiting under the tree in the small park for the sun to set. The bushes nearby is hiding him from the people walking by or driving by.

To keep busy, he tries to make sense of the latest memory that came back. It's from Hydra, from the names he is able to search on his phone it was somewhere in the 70's.

He writes '70'? On the top corner.

Only glimpses came back meaning he won't be able to write a full report or account, just words.

Was it a failed mission, or an aborted one...

He makes a small round dot and writes _aborted...._

_‘Why?’_

Something happened, something they couldn't control.

_‘Weather?’_

Oh yes...

 _‘Natural disaster...’_ He writes down below ‘weather’ all bullet points

The soldiers and handlers laugh at how 'pathetic America' was and how they had no idea about 'real disasters'.

Bucky narrow his eyes trying to remember when he remembered a word.

_"Edith."_

What? Opening a new browser tab, he types in Edith and 1970'

"Oh... Yeah... I remember..."

Browsing through a few articles he puts his phone down and picks up the pen. His hand is still shaking, he needs to eat, something with substance. Pulling his backpack closer he takes out a bottle of water and his last granola bar. A few sips and a few bites later the tremors ease a bit.

It will hold until he can eat, the sun will set in three hours, it will be fine. Picking up the pen he starts again.

  * Hurricane Edith. 71.
  * Aborted mission,
  * a diplomary and his wife.
  * Was put in training.
  * Got beat up.
  * Placed back in cryo.
  * Severe head injury.
  * Heard a voice.
  * Hold on Buck.
  * ??
  * ?




	195. tippex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> no Steve

13 July tippex

Sam and Bucky are sitting at the newly rebuild office at the Compound. The New Avengers is up and running, although currently small it will expand in the coming months. Even the Academy is in the stages to reopen. Maria is running a bit late and Fury will be joining via satellite link.

Both have a file open in front of the, reading about a few interesting cases they might have to look into.

Bucky looks up at Sam.

"Do you have a pen on you, or a highlighter?"

"Don't you have one? Didn't you prepare for this meeting?"

"Of course." I showered and even put on aftershave..." Bucky shoots back look a serious, but his eyes gave him away, the mirth was evident. Sam shakes his head and passed a pen.

"Seeing something interesting?"

"Yea, this sounds familiar _'1,1,1-trichloroethane'_ I remember a few experiments from Hydra about this, it was many years ago, it's probably nothing..."

"No..no...mark it... It does sound familiar, isn't that the main thinning ingredient in 'white out' or was until a couple of years ago?"

"White out?"

"That white correction fluid, if you make a mistake you use that? Never seen it before?"

Bucky thought a bit before he nods.

"Oh yeah, back in Europe though, they call it Tipp-ex. It contained that chemical?"

"Yeah and it became dangerous as some started getting addicted to it, it is type of chloroform right, so people would use it to get a high or something. They stopped using it in 2000 or thereabouts."

"That's insane."

"What's insane?"

Maria came walking in carrying more files, Bucky instantly watch the change in Sam, sitting up right, smile...

_Ooooh someone's got a crush..._

"Barnes noticed something about a possible case we should track or bookmark."

Maria smiled at Bucky.

"Great we can build up a whole new base, that is good, once done we can review some of the applications for the Academy, a few old ones are coming back, some moved on."

As she speaks, she moved the files to the middle of the table.

"Us three?" Bucky asks a little perplexed. Maria nodded.

"I think we all are more than qualified, we can discuss it together, make three piles, ‘yes’, ‘no’ and a ‘maybe’..."

"Sounds good." Sam agreed and gave her wide smile, Bucky wants to tease him, say something but he keeps quiet. It's not who he is anymore, besides he will say something to Sam, maybe in private, a comment or two, but not like he would do with...

"Yeah, we can do that." He opted instead.

"Good, Fury will be with us shortly then we can get started."


	196. Wide berth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> Not a good one!  
> Be warned  
> may be OOC

14 July wide berth

_(I had this idea, for more than a year, and finally wrote it. It may not be to your liking, it may be not who Bucky is, a bit OOC, but I had to get it off my chest. )_

Bucky looks up at the full moon, it was a clear night, no clouds, but clean. The stars bright. It's not everyday that the sky is so clean but after the Snap and half the world gone, pollution was drastically reduced. Half the neighbourhoods didn't even had power. The hospital is bright in the area, the lights illuminating the streets and the parking below.

Bucky is sitting on the roof of the hospital. Steve is a few floors below, Ill and apparently dying. Most likely tonight

His last request is to see Bucky.

It's been a year since that day, that day Steve walked away, from Bucky, from himself. Bucky is still trying to figure out how a man who never backed down from a fight, walked away from 70 years’ worth of fights. He looks down to his phone. He has several messages from Steve, a whole year and Bucky replied, to some of them. Steve is desperate to see Bucky again, to hear his voice. He has missed that for so long.

Bucky refused.

He has a general wallpaper of either guns, and knives as wallpaper or even a nature scenery, nothing personal, not one part of his body, his status is even plain and simple.

_Whitewolf (Bucky)_

He scrolls around the messages on the chat platform.

_"Buck, why are you giving the wide birth? I really want to see you. That few moments at the lake hardly counts. You didn't even talk. I miss your voice."_

_"Buck, Sam says you need some time. I don't understand why, you knew what I was going to do?"_

_"Buck, it's been two months, and I miss you, no one knows where you are, just that you are traveling. Come home."_

Bucky actually replied.

_"I have no home. Didn't had one since 1945. Traveling is fine thank you."_

That sparked a couple of messages of Steve not understanding.

Steve, the stubborn bastard that he is, didn't give up, Bucky gave the minimum responses that somehow fuelled Steve. He would send messages once a week.

Until a month ago.

Bucky finally replied.

_“I’m going to sent you a bunch of replies, and then it is over, nothing more. “_

_“I remember my last day as a free man hoping to spend it with the only person I loved and cared for, who I told we were going to the 'future'. I wished I knew he would abandon me in the future and go to the past, where I was not.”_

_"I remember a boy to scared to run from a fight, I said I would follow him. I wish I knew he would betray himself as he left me running after him. He run to the past and left me alone without friends or family, without a home. Without anyone who knew me."_

_"I remember making a promise to the end of the line, but I wish I knew that he carried scissors in his hands when he cut me out of his life."_

_"I remember a man who one the same day he discovered he was worthy like the gods, showed me I wasn't worth it at all."_

_“I remember a boy, who turned into a man, but ended up a shell of what he stood for. He ended up becoming what he spent his entire life fighting, a bully and a villain. Guess it's true what they say, you die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain."_

_“I remember a small sickly boy stealing my heart, my loyalty and my love, but I remember a strong warrior man, turning it to nothing but dead leaves under his feet."_

_"You want to see me, desperately you say. Why? What can you possibly say and do to erase what you did, what you proved to me?”_

_“You want to hear my voice, why? What should I say or tell you, that will ease my pain and sooth your need?”_

_“You want your 'Bucky' back. He died a long time ago in a ravine, lying on his back, his arm ripped and torn off by jagged rocks. With blood freezing into pink icicles in the snow, with his lips blue, his eyes wet and a 'Stevie, help' on his tongue.”_

_“You know what I want?”_

_“I want to go home from the war, with both my arms and hug my mom, and be an uncle to my sister's kids.”_

_“I want to walk down the street and be seen as an old vet, not the man who killed hundreds, now being hated and despised by many.”_

_“I want to look in the mirror and be happy with the man who look back, not hate what he has become.”_

_“I want to be a man who can look at his friend, someone who knew him and ask if a memory is real. Who should I ask now?”_

_“Most of all. What I want, is my little punk Stevie. The small boy who never backed down from a fight. I want to see the man who I looked up to and sworn my allegiance to, since I was a small boy.”_

_“Guess we're both disappointed hey Steve?”_

_“You waited 70 years to see me, or hear my voice? Too bad. You will never hear my voice again. You will never see me clearly again, maybe a silhouette of me.”_

_“Maybe if you're capable of understanding that pain, you can understand my pain, my heartbreak, and you won't send me you requests again."_

Bucky is swallowing as he tries to keep his tears at bay, but it isn't working. The tears still come.

After he send it, he didn't get another message again.

He heard from Sam that Steve asked a bunch of questions about him and his feelings. If Sam knew about how he felt, and _apparently_ , he didn't like the answer. Sam confirmed it, and not only did he confirmed it, he also discovered that half the Avengers and Wakandians thought it was mutual. Shuri had a pool going on how long it would take admit their feelings. Sam told Bucky the other day, after what Steve did, she donated the whole pot money to a disabled veteran society. It was a couple hundred dollars.

Steve had his first 'heart attack' when he heard about the pot and what Shuri did.

It weakened his system and he hasn't left the hospital since he was admitted. His family would visit, but apparently 'Steve just isn't the same anymore'.

Steve is getting weaker and weaker and they called all the friends and family today.

Bucky got up and walks down the staircases to Steve's floor. He will keep his promise, Steve will never hear Bucky's voice or see him clearly. But a silhouette... It's the only thing they are left. Steve a silhouette of who he used to be before he left, and Bucky a silhouette left since Steve left.

The family is all crying and standing in the hallway. Bucky activates his face mask, similar to what Natasha wore in Washington. He is dressed in scrubs, looking like a nurse. He goes into Steve's room. He looks weak, pale his lips blue.

He is sleeping.

But it isn't restful.

His eyes open as Bucky walks in.

"Oh... I thought... I hoped..."

The face mask also gives him the ability to disguise his voice.

"Hope is a distant wish, and wishes are for fishes."

Steve looks at the man with sad eyes.

"You should never lose hope, my son."

"I'm not your son, I can call him if you want?"

Steve shakes his head.

They can hear a noise at the window. Steve looks hopeful.

"You won't see him, ever again, you know that." Steve's eyes widen as he looks at Bucky.

"How... I have to believe."

"You we're promised a silhouette. You'll get that. A man out of his time, with half his identity and half his memories, a silhouette... That's what he is left."

Steve started crying and the machines started to shrill. Bucky looked at him one last time before he walks out, he turns back and held out his arm, the light catching the metal. The machines scream louder, and Bucky removes the face mask, and remove the tie in his hair, letting it fall to his shoulders. From where Steve is laying, his arms reaching out, he could see the perfect silhouette of Bucky.

Bucky walks away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly. I have been struggling with this idea since last year, where Bucky refused to see Steve, even on his death bed. I know many would say, it is cruel, and ooc, and he should do it for closure, but the fact is, he doesn't. If can let go and have closure without seeing Steve, without that last request, kudus to him. Steve didn't care for closure and last request for decades...  
> Secondly. I might do another one, as this one is still not a hundred percent what I had in mind.


	197. natural hair growth

15 July natural hair growth

_An alternative to Endgame._

_(only took me more than 196 chapters...)_

Bucky kept his hands in his pockets trying to hide the shaking. This is it, this is the moment he dreaded since he was a kid, although not like this though.

For a long time, he thought that he would outlive Steve, as he will have died by his 7th birthday, or 8th or 9th or 10th... And all of them afterwards. When it was clear that his little stubborn punk of a friend will actually survive longer than predicted, he was scared that he would lose him to some woman.

And here it is...

He is losing Steve, to time, to the past... And obviously to the girl. Always a girl...

He tried his best to memorize the way the sun hits those blue eyes, the long lashes, the crooked nose. The soft lips that he would clean up after being split open and open by other's fists. This is the last time he will see that face, and he has many many years ahead of him, unless he gets killed... Point is, he has many years to imagine that face, that voice, this man so he needs to get it right.

He watches as Steve picks up the hammer and the suitcase and then, just like in a magic show, 'poof' he is gone.

Sighing deeply, he turns around, there is nothing for him here anymore. He starts to walk back to the house, he will say his goodbyes and leave, not willing to abuse more of Pepper's generosity.

As he walks away, he doesn't count down. He doesn't hear when the five seconds were up, he doesn't hear Sam's frantic worry as he asks where Steve _is._ He doesn't hear Bruce as he tries to figure out what is going on with the machine. He misses it all.

He is already halfway to the house, the platform a few hundred yards back into the woods, and he misses the "Oh thank God!" and the "You had us worried man!" he most certainly missed the "Where's Bucky?"

Bucky reach the soft grass, only a few steps before the wooden steps when he felt a hand on his shoulder pulling him. He reacted on instinct, two knives in each hand ready to fight.

"Whoaah shit. I'm sorry... I didn’t... I'm sorry. I'm sorry... Buck..."

Bucky stares at the figure in front of him, the blond hair almost the same length as Bucky's, even the bun, with strands falling out.

"Steve?"

"Yeah, sorry, I should have... Sorry... It's just... You weren't there at the platform and Sam and Bruce didn't realize you left... And they didn't know where you went..."

"You came _back_?" Bucky replied, his voice soft, scared.

Steve frowns.

"Of course, I did, why wouldn't I?"

"I thought... You said.... I thought..."

Bucky pulls his arms in, the knives still in his hands. Steve took a step closer, slowly pushing Bucky's hands down with the knives pointing down.

"You thought I was going to stay? Didn't you?"

Bucky can only nod as he kept staring at the man in front of him.

"Buck, I would never do that to you, I just got you back. I just got a chance to spend time with you properly for the first time since I saw you in Washington... Why would I give that up?"

"For a life... With her...."

"Her... Oh... Oh... Buck... Nooo. No.. She had her life Buck, she was happy, and it wasn't with me, besides how the heck am I supposed to live happily ever after, knowing what happens to you in the same time? Do you expect me to _do nothing?"_

"I... Did...." Bucky admits looking down in shame as his eyes filled with tears. Steve closed his eyes and slowly intertwined his fingers with Bucky's, causing the knives to fall to the ground.

"I'm so sorry Buck, I didn't know... I would have been clearer when I left."

"How long was it anyway?"

"11 months 3 weeks and 2 days... Long enough."

"Like the hair, although it needs a trim and a wash." Bucky jokes trying to get his composure back, but it he only had half success, as Steve can still feel the slight tremors in his hands.

"All-natural hair growth, it's a pain in the ass, though... Need a cut."

Bucky looks up, a smile on his face, he lifts one hand to touch the bun, Steve uses his free hand and place it Bucky's cheek.

"Buck...?"

"Yeah?" replies still holding on to Steve.

Steve squeezes their intertwined hands.

"Don't you think the time is right for us, to have a serious talk, about.... Us?"

"Bucky smiles as his eyes fill with new tears.

"Yeah, Stevie, I think it's time we do."


	198. The palace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> Sorry Steve
> 
> (StJohn27, remember what you said, about Steve finding out, I tried but instead of Bucky overhearing someone telling Steve, Steve overhears.)

16 July the palace

Bucky makes his way to the garden area where he was told Steve would be. After P... His wife's death he stayed on in their house for a couple of years before finally moving into a retirement village. For some it is a room in a big house, for others a bed in a ward, and for those lucky enough, a small cottage with a small garden to give the impression of independence. Steve stayed in one of those. In front of his little place was huge garden where the rest could hang out, playing chess or whatever games they would be interested in. Sam told Steve that Bucky may come to see him soon, he hasn't seen or really talked to Bucky since that day at the lake and was looking forward to seeing him. Steve is sitting on a small bench waiting for Bucky, his eye on the pathway, he will see him immediately.

There he comes!

He looks...

Oh...

He cut his hair.

It's short and looks so soft.

"B-Buc...ky?"

Steve frowns at the old man sitting under the tree close to him, in a wheelchair, he was holding a book, but nothing else. Steve doesn't know him, he knows he was a vet, and that's about it. He glances back at Bucky to see his reaction. Bucky had stopped and was staring at the man, and to his surprise his eyes filled with tears and Bucky wiped his eyes before rushing to the man and falling on his knees.

"Myron?"

The man reaches with his hand and placed it on Bucky's cheek.

"Still as handsome as I remember."

Bucky tries to suppress a sob, but it comes out anyway.

Steve feels like he is witnessing something he has no right to, that this isn't for him, but it's Bucky and a _man_ , who clearly knew Bucky, back then...

He can't see Bucky's face, but he can see the tenderness and affection in the man.

"How long have you been staying here? Do you have a family? Are they treating you well? Are you alone”?

Bucky asks the man, still holding his hand.

"About twenty years give or take, it's not a palace of a fairy tale, but it is home, and it is good."

"Family?"

He shakes his head, sad but nostalgic as he smiles at Bucky.

"We both now, men like us... You hid it better; I was able to blame the war... Men like us... Today yes... Back then..."

Bucky nods and looks down.

"I wish it was different for us My."

"Me too, but that is life, no second chances, no do-overs." Bucky snort loudly.

Steve felt the ice cold in his veins _. He_ got a second chance; _he_ got a do over.

"Myron... If I know then, what I know now... I promise you; I would have left with you. When Phillips gave the option _, I should’ve left with you_. I'm sorry... We could have been so happy."

What?

Steve could only stare as he heard it, they still had no idea Steve was near, that he could hear, the hedge keeping him from view.

"I know, my sweet man, I did love you, and I knew you loved me, but not like him... You _stayed_ for him, did you ever told him how you felt?"

Steve could feel his lungs constricting, what this man is saying... Phillips, the rescue... The 107th....

A loud sob broke through the air and Steve watch as Bucky bows his head and cries, his shoulders shaking. He could make out the negative reply, _he didn't..._

"Oh Bucky... I'm sorry. I wish at least one of us got the happy ending."

Bucky looks up.

"He did. He got his. He got a do-over, he got a second chance. Do you think it's because of who we are?"

"What on earth do you mean?"

"Queers, gay, homosexuals, the runt of humanity, we don't get happy endings, only the heroes do."

Myron grabs Bucky's cheeks, his eyes bright.

"Now you listen to me Sargent, you are the best of us, you were the best and it certainly wasn't because you like men! You were, still are, a formidable man, a strong man, a man anyone can look up to with pride. Who you love and don't love got nothing to do with it! I was awarded for killing men, for fighting for this soil we are standing on, it had nothing to do, with who kept my sleeping bag warm back then. You hear?"

Bucky could only nod.

"I wish we..."

"Shh....I know... Have to tell you though, seeing you like this.... Boy... If I was 10 years younger, I would flirt the socks of you."

Bucky burst out laughing.

"You took more than just my socks My."

"That's true, just like you took everything I gave..."

It was quiet for a while, both just smiling at each other. Steve was feeling confused and helpless, suddenly he knew why Bucky doesn't really want to see him anymore, how he begged for Bucky to visit.

"Hey Bucky, it's almost time for tea, can interest you in a cup?" Bucky looks towards the main building.

"Tell you what, how about I take you to that small Cafe down the street, I'll bring you back in while, can I do that?"

The man smiles.

"Oh please, they have this amazing little custard cakes...tell me though, don't you have another appointment or something?"

Bucky shakes his head.

"He didn't worry about seeing me for seventy years, he can wait some more.... Come on..."

Steve could only watch with shame and guilt as Bucky walks away with the old man. Suddenly everything makes sense, and suddenly he understood the pain he caused. Sam warned him, but he didn't listen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I said I wasn't done with Myron, I promise, this isn't what I had in mind...


	199. Thailand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> no steve
> 
> This is for 'Hi' who made a request. Hope it lives up to your standards.

17 July Thailand

Sam saw the missile coming and there wasn't a thing he could do, he watches as Lucky and the pilot jumped out, each with their own parachute.

The chopper blew up with a huge bang and a range of sparks. Sam made sure to follow the two chutes as it glides down towards earth.

He reached the pilot first who is okay and already setting up camp and calling it in.

Bucky, however, isn't responding.

Sam spreads out his wings and picks up the shield, rushing to where Bucky landed, a few hundred yards from the pilot.

"Whitewolf?"

No response.

"Barnes?"

He looks okay, but he isn't moving. He is close to what looks like some edge, of a cliff, staring ahead.

"Barnes?" Sam tries again, softer, his instincts on full alert. Bucky's left side is cradle against him, his right hand grasping a rock, as if he is holding on for his life.

Sam grouched down.

Bucky eyes is glazed as he stares.

"Bucky?"

"Nononono...please.... He will come.... Just breathe... Just breathe... It's just snow..."

Sam's eyes widen as realization hits, Bucky fell, he landed on snow, there is a cliff... He is having a flash back.

Sam looks around trying to find a way to get Bucky to snap out of it.

"Barnes, come on, you are safe, the snow is cold, let's go to camp, get warmed up..."

"Shhhh.... Don't move.... Don't let them hear.... Play dead....."

"Bucky...."

"No... No names.... Sergeant... 32557038...Barnes... Sergeant..."

"Sergeant, stop!"

Bucky stops immediately, his eyes staring straight ahead. Sam knows he needs to handle this carefully.

"Barnes.... Whitewolf?" He added softer, and it seems to be working, Bucky is recognizing Sam's presence, he blinks.

"S... Fal...Cap?"

"Yeah, it's me, Sam... Are you hurt?"

Bucky looks down at his torso before looking at his hands, moving his metal fingers. He frowns before he just shakes his head slightly.

"Okay, we're going to stand up, then we're going to walk to Johnson, he is setting up a temporary camp, for pick up. He called it in, can you walk?"

Sam kept his voice soft but strong as he talked, making sure his movements are steady.

Bucky nods and slowly rises up with Sam. He keeps from looking down the cliff.

"The... Suspect...."

"Knew we were coming, got away, we will get him, let's get sorted first." Sam didn't really care about the suspect right now; he can be halfway to Thailand for all he cares. His priority is Bucky, and what was very close to be a bad situation.

Bucky nods and slowly makes his way to the camp, keeping a few feet of distance between him and Sam, he was jittery and keeps looking around. Bucky is still not a hundred percent okay, and needs to be watched for a while, he already has plans to make Johnson setting up a perimeter so Bucky can be alone without worrying about repercussions.


	200. Don't make me laugh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

18 July don't make me laugh

This is one Bucky will never forget, not because he wants to, he really does, but because the Howlies will never let him forget it.

He can hear Dumdum’s boisterous laughter as he recounts as he tells it to Gabe at the campfire. Bucky looks up to see Steve's trying his best to keep the laughter from bubbling out of his big mouth.

"Don't you dare laugh at me Rogers. I'll smack you silly."

Steve bit down on his lips.

"I won't Buck."

Steve replies but is having a difficult time. Bucky frowns.

"You may be my CO, but I promise you Stevie..."

"You'll smack me silly; I know."

Steve answers and before anyone could say anything, they heard another bout of laughter from the campfire.

Bucky sighs and tries to stand up.

"Don't, let me take care of it first." Steve answers as he pulls up Bucky's shirt up to inspect the bruise.

"Ouch, it may leave a scar, but I don't think it's necessary for stitches. Looks like one hell of a fall though."

"Yeah, best sniper and I trip over a rock..." Bucky mumbles as Steve tries to keep from laughing as he rubs some ointment on the bruises and put on a bandage. Bucky finches but stay still.

Once done Steve pulls Bucky's shirt down.

"You had me worried there for a moment Buck." His voice was soft, without a hint of the humour he carried a moment ago. Bucky close his eyes as he remembers. It was close call, they expected a firefight, Dernier stepped on a branch and it broke, the sound extra loud to their already expected ears. Bucky tried to get to higher ground to offer cover, he tripped and fell down a small ditch landing on his back, a few rocks pressing into his back.

"Yeah... Me too Stevie..." Bucky answers just as tight. Steve moves around and sits next to Bucky. Both sighing. This war is taking its toll. Every sound is a potential gunfight, a potential casualty. They were promised a week off a month ago, they are still waiting.

"Come on, let's go get dinner, I heard it's something Montgomery caught. Might be deer." Steve tried, sounding hopeful, but both know the chances of that...

"Don't make me laugh Steve, it's probably rats... Or something equally disgusting."


	201. the white list

19 July the white list 

Bucky is sitting in the small Cafe his back in the corner, overlooking all the entrances. Bad habits die hard. He is nibbling on some food, a soft drink next to the plate, half empty. One thing he really loves about this new world is the variety and availability of food. It's everywhere.  
The door opens and his appointment walks in, fitting right in with the casual clothes everyone is wearing.  
Fury walks to the back table and sits at the side of the table. Also, able to see most of the exists. Bucky smiles.  
"Bad habits die hard." He offers as greeting.  
"Yeah, they do."  
Fury offers in reply.  
The world is different now, but still there is always those trying to seek power and dominance over the rest.  
Although it's only been a few months, Bucky and Fury had come to some sort of 'partnership' a way to overcome their initial distrust and wariness and actually are half co-workers. They understand the evil that's out there, that now more than ever the need to stay ahead is vital.  
"How's the new Captain?" Fury asks, as the waitress brings him his coffee.  
Bucky smile widens.  
"He hit himself with the Frisbee yesterday at practice, that's why he didn't come, don't want to explain the huge shiner..."  
Fury chortle at that and shake his head.  
"Now why do I get the idea that you have evidence."  
Because you know I'm a man with skills... Sorry..." Bucky's smile falters, he didn't mean it like that but yes, Fury knows he has skills, it nearly cost him his life.  
"Don't worry about its Barnes, I'm just glad you got your sense of humour back, heard it's quite an experience."  
Bucky shrugs.  
"Yeah, we'll see, one day at a time, right?"  
"That's right, so you say you thought of something?"  
"Remembered... Don't know if it is worth looking into.... but.."  
"Coming from you, you can bet your ass it's worth looking into."  
A slight blush appears on Bucky's cheeks at the praise. He takes out a notebook from the seat next to him  
"I wrote down as much as I could remember and found a few things on the net too, some maps... Documents... Hydra had several lists so to speak, to reach certain people. They coloured it, the white list, the green list black and so on..."  
"Do you know what they all represented?"  
"Some, I'm trying to remember the others, it's... Not so easy... Sam is helping me, to... You know... Not regress...." Bucky trails off and Fury felt the pang of sorrow for this man. Everyone gave up on him, except Steve, and then Steve just left him. Fury is thankful that he has Sam, that the world has a Sam Wilson. He is truly a remarkable man, a good soldier and a worthy man for the shield.  
"Day at a time, right?"  
"Right..." Bucky takes a few sips as Fury pages through the book, his eyes widening.  
"This... It's very... Informative..."  
"I will add more..."  
"This is good stuff Barnes, really, I'll get some feelers out see if we can build a database for this, add it to the one we have... This is good work."  
"Well, they messed with me long enough, think it's time to turn the tables a bit."  
"Yes, I couldn't agree more."


	202. How many times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre war

20 July how many times have I

Steve is trying his best not to make Bucky even more mad than what he already is. He had asked so nicely. He practically begged Steve and Steve....

_He did try._

He really did.

Just once.

That's what Bucky had asked.

_Just once._

What did Steve do....

That's right, he completely 'forgot' about the promise he made and as a result, here they were, two boys cramped in a bathroom instead of enjoying a couple of drinks and some dancing.

"Your shirt." Bucky ordered exasperated. Steve, as quickly as he could remove the shirt, Bucky seeing the struggle, helped him slide it off his shoulders.

"I'm real sorry Buck, she was new in town and didn't know about that alley..."

"Thank God you did."

Bucky responded and scrub the part of the shirt with soap to get the blood out of the cloth.

"How's your nose?"

"Stopped bleeding, but I think it will always have a crook now."

Bucky hand the shirt up and picked up the bandage before standing in front of Steve.

Placing his fingers under Steve's chin tilting his head. He scrunches his face, seeing the bruises and the now crooked nose.

"Dammit Steve, how many times have I told you to be careful, don't take on so many on your own."

"I know Buck, but I couldn't leave her there with them, and there was no one around."

"I know I know... It's just..."

"It's your birthday."

"Forget about that, that doesn't mean a thing, unlike.... just...ugh... I can't even say wait for me or help because you won't. Just... We got to work on your agility, you may not have strength, but you have your speed."

"And smallness..."

Steve mumbles and Bucky grabs his shoulders leaning in, so he was a few inches away.

"Not about size Steve, you're worth ten of them, even more. Just don't try to give me heart attack every time I have to go look for you, let me find you flirting or making dinner instead of fighting." Bucky jokes, trying to ease the tension.

"Dinner?" Steve asked one eyebrow raised.

"Well, boiling water at least., You can't cook squat..."

"Hey... That tea the other day was fine."

"It was coffee. Come on, I'm thirsty, let's go have a beer, the guy at the dock gave me a six pack and a pack of sugar babies, let's have that."

Steve nods but looks down, not saying anything as Bucky wraps his ribs.

"What's wrong?" Bucky, knowing something is up.

"I didn't get you a present and the only thing you wanted was a day where you didn't find me in an alleyway, I couldn't even match that."

Bucky ties the bandage before he rests his hands on Steve's hips., the part covered by the bandage, to make it look innocent.

"Steve... The beers, the candy it’s fine but I will give it up, just for... I don't mind things like that, it's the things that matter in life, the small things, and you are better than all of the candy in the world. Rather have you safe and sound."

Steve smiles shyly.

"I did draw you a comic though, it's about science."

"Awesome! Thanks, show me."

They started to walk out the bathroom to the kitchen when Steve frowns.

"What about the beer?"

"Huh?"

"You said I'm better than all the candy in the world, what about the beer."

"Don't push it Stevie." Bucky joke back ruffling through Steve's hair.

Yes, even the beer can go, if he can have Steve, but he can't admit that now can he?


	203. And then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> angsty  
> hurt steve  
> a what if... moment, what if Steve did ask Bucky to go with... but there was something keeping him back.

21 July and then

Bucky has seen enough, Steve is still sitting on that bench, happy with his life, happy that he was able to live his life with the woman of his dreams. The only thing, or person, missing was Bucky. There were not enough particles for him to go back with him as well, if there was...

Sam and Bucky are close by, keeping an eye on Steve if he needs help to get up, or go wherever he was before sitting here. Sam is still staring at the shield, feeling its weight, his eyes bright with excitement. Bucky wants to warn him, tell him that weight gets heavier and heavier, and not because it's a heavy metal. He doesn't. He hasn’t really said anything.

Bruce has gone back to the others, and by now, everyone has heard what Steve did.

Bucky watches the man, his heart in so many pieces, he could have gone with him, if only...

_It_ wasn't.

Hydra didn't share the _quality_ , so to speak...

"What the hell?" Sam asked and Bucky looks to the direction Sam is looking at, they can see Scott nearly running towards them. Sam steps closer as he runs, his eyes bright with anger.

"I don't... I didn't...HOW COULD YOU?"

Sam walks up to Scott, both he and Steve are looking confused at Scott.

"What's going on?"

"You left him here, knowing about the serum? Left him here, knowing... That's so selfish! How could you throw it back into his face like that, you who took on the UN for him, put me in house arrest for 2 years because I thought you were worth it. Turns out you weren't."

"Scott what are you talking about? I did ask Bucky to go with me, he didn't want to." Bucky closes his eyes and looks down; he really didn't expect the truth to come out so freaking quickly.

He steps closer.

"I didn't tell him Scott, I couldn't... He was so desperate to go... I couldn't do that to him." Bucky answers refusing to look at Steve, or Sam. Scott eyes widen, and he deflated.

"Oh...God...I'm sorry... I thought you told him."

"Tell me what?"

Steve asks but Bucky shakes his head, turning to walk away. He stops and look at Steve.

"I always knew..." Bucky started, his voice thick, a tear running down his eye.

"Knew what?"

"That I would never match up to you, you were too good, I was _tainted_ before I was drafted Steve. I was never going to be worth it, like you. I also always knew that one day, someone else would see just how amazing and brilliant you are, besides your mom and me. They would see, and I will lose you to them. That day, when we got back at camp, you pull out that broken radio, I knew my time had run out with you, everything else was just borrowed. I was angry, for a while that you chose her, I mean, she ignored me twice and you didn't seem to care, and then.... Then I knew my anger was futile, my emotions were futile, I was a soldier with a job, my feelings for you, unmatched." Bucky looks down, everything was quiet even the wind was still, the birds quiet. Everyone was looking at Bucky with mixed emotions. Bucky looked up to Scott.

"You can tell him, I can't, I promised myself I wouldn't tell him. You can, I don't know how you found out, but it's okay, maybe the time for secrets has passed."

With that he took a step back and slowly walked away.

"What is going on!" Sam asked watching the retreating form, conflicted about running after him and finding out what is going on.

Scott sighs.

"When the mission was mentioned, and Steve volunteered, Steve told Bucky he is thinking of staying, to rest, get the life he always wanted, he asks Bucky to go with. Bucky went to Hank, asking if he can, if there were enough particles."

"There wasn't." Steve answers. Scott shakes his head.

"There was, more than enough, we have a lot, we used it to help Ava."

"But..." Steve looks shocked, his legs unable to carry him, so he sat back down.

"He said..."

"Bucky told him to say that. You see Steve... Time travel is a heck of a thing, we _can't go forward_ , because we run the risk to pick up new diseases we aren't equipped to handle yet, new strains and so on. We can't go back, because we can take diseases and viruses _back_ to a time they aren't equipped to handle. You can wipe out civilizations, just like Columbus and his party did when they encountered the Aztec and Mayans."

"But... I went back..."

"Because of your serum, you are ideal, because your serum killed all viruses and bacteria before you even took of your helmet."

Sam's mouth fell open in shock, understanding in his eyes as he turned back to where they could still see the small form of Bucky in the distance.

"But... Bucky... He had the serum too! He could have gone with me then, I asked!"

Sam puts his hand on Steve's shoulder.

"He couldn't Steve, his serum was a knock off compared to yours. Hank told him that, didn't he, that he was a high risk, so he told Hank to lie..."

Scott nodded.

"I thought you knew, and would come back to him. Sorry."

"But why..." Steve still tried...

Scott and Sam shared a look.

"Because he loves you too much to stay for him, when you wanted to be with someone else so desperately."

Sam replies softly, removing his hand as he picks up the shield to follow Bucky. What Bucky did, the sacrifice... Sam really hopes he doesn't love someone so selfless and unconditionally like that, he gave up everything to let Steve go.

Scott watch as Steve shoulders started to shake with tears, the impact of what he did, and what Bucky did, registering.

"Scott..."

Sam softly says, pointing his head to the house, leaving Steve alone with his thoughts and tears. They'll stay close, but this, revelation, this sight, is not for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about this the other day, when I read an article about time travel, I also Discovered Josh Gates' Expedition Unknown. One episode was about Columbus, and it mentioned the many diseases he brought with him to the new world. That is the same time line... just different continents. Imagine different time periods... Bucky would never take that risk. Not after everything that happened to him, and what he was forced to do. He won't have more blood on his hands.


	204. No cigars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

22 july no cigars

Steve is busy helping the Howlies to collect firewood for camp. Because of his strength and ability, he can get the biggest logs and break it into pieces with minimal effort and energy. The rest love watching him, and Steve would blush at the open awe and admiration. Bucky watch it once and promised himself he won't watch it again. Ever since then Bucky made sure he was somewhere else, checking the perimeter, or helping with food, anything just not to watch Steve break logs and trees as if but toothpicks.

He is not jealous, don't get him wrong. He is just... Sad.

He can never admit that he missed his little Stevie that tried to smoke secretly and drink 'like the others' but would be wasted after one pint. _That Steve_ is now somewhere hidden beneath this Steve and although they are the same, they are still different. He will never miss the fear of winter coming and knowing that they don't have enough medicine, or the socks are all frayed up and basically useless. But the nights spending in front of the small fire, both young and still so naive about the big bad life outside, that he will treasure forever.

He hears another crack and a bout of laughter and sighs. He can't tell them, that the other day, as he made his way up to the vantage point, there was branch in his way and he, tried to push it to the side but instead he broke it like a toothpick. It was a thick as his thigh.

He reached into his pockets and take out a cigar, he won it, at a poker game last week. He was saving it for a special moment, but out of here, where any moment could be your last, every moment is special. Lighting it, he remembers a time where it always no cigars, hell even cigarettes were a risk....

"You better share that." Bucky looks up to see Steve staring down at him, his hands on his hips, a huge smile on his face and cheeks red with the cold.

"Yeah... Have no choice now do I... Exactly what is the range on your smell?"

"Too near to smell this, come on..." Steve smiled and Bucky shakes his head as he hands the cigar over. It's not like he can ever stop sharing with Steve, he doesn't know how to.


	205. clutter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kid Bucky

23 July clutter

Bucky knew the moment he stepped into the house; something was wrong. His mom wasn't in the kitchen, like every other day, and he can smell dinner cooking. He looks up the stairs.

"James... Get up here."

Yeah, he is in serious trouble. 'James' his mom called him James. That's bad. He can't remember the last time was called 'James' by his mom, his Dad never stopped, he doesn't like 'Bucky'

Bucky likes Bucky though.

"Coming Ma."

With heavy legs he walks up to stairs, every step heavier and heavier. His room is on the end, he walks in to see his mom sitting on the bed, her legs crossed at the ankles.

"How was school?"

"Fine, hate maths though..."

"But you're good at it!"

"Yeah, the sums are fine, the teacher is mean, he picks on people that struggle."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

Bucky nods but went to sit next to her on the bed.

"Do you know why I waited for you?"

Bucky shrugs before he shakes his head.

"No."

"Bucky, you need to clean up your room, it's clutter everywhere, your Dad is bringing some friends from work home, and you know how he gets when there is people coming over." Bucky sighs. Yes, he does.

His room will have to be spotless, cleaner than the kitchen table. Dad likes to take the people for a quick 'show' to show them what a happy and beautiful family they are.

"Yes Ma, can I invite Steve over. To help with homework, we can have dinner in my room, and Dad won't have to worry about us at the table?"

"I don't know Bucky, maybe tomorrow?"

Bucky's heart sunk and he looks down.

"Fine...tomorrow?"

"Yes, tomorrow."

"Promise?"

"Bucky, is everything okay with Steve and his mom?"

Bucky sighs.

"She's working double shifts; old Barney raised the rent."

"Oh...no..."

"Listen...I'll make some extra food tonight, then if you promise to be really quick you can run over and take them a bowl, but you have to be back before Dad gets home."

"Yes! I promise Ma. I'll be quick! Thank you, Ma."

Bucky exclaimed and hugged his mom close. She hugs him tight.

"Okay, but your room first, okay?"

"Right away."


	206. Tapeworm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kid bucky

24 July tape worm

Bucky is throwing small stones down the pathway waiting for the class to end. It's the end of year tests. Bucky's class finished first and was allowed to leave. Steve is still inside, their class will end in a couple minutes, until then, Bucky will wait here outside the building.

So far he managed to throw ten stones in the middle of the same brick without missing. He needs to show Steve, that is great aim.

The bell sounds and Bucky watches as the other kids come running out. Steve is last, his school bag over his shoulder. Bucky stands up, puts his over his shoulder and takes Steve's as well when they were close.

"How was it?"

"Ugh..." Steve replied as they started walking home.

"I forgot that one about the importance of cooking food, there were two questions about it."

"What was the question?"

"Why is it so important for all meats to be thoroughly cooked? I know it can make you sick, but there was a specific reason."

"You can get a tapeworm."

Steve stopped and rolled his eyes before stomping his foot.

"How did I forget that!"

"Ah Stevie, it's just the one question, right? Sure you will be fine."

"Yeah, but still... Can't believe I forgot that, how did you remember that?"

Bucky shrugs.

"I don't know, I forgot other stuff so it balances it out though."

Bucky answered as they walked down the street. It is still early, and although they said there might be rain tomorrow or the next, the sun was still warm.

"Hey, want to go to the park after we dropped off our bags, maybe play some ball, or you can draw something..."

Steve looks up at the sky before back at Bucky.

"Yeah, that will be fun."


	207. Glue Gun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 year recovery

25 july glue gun

Bucky walks through the aisles, picking up the things he needs for his trip, the road is long, and the safe houses are getting fewer in between meaning he needs to be more self-aware and reliant on enough food to keep him sustained. He doesn't want to go to shops and malls unless necessary. One thing he loves about this new time is the big shops, shops like Walmart and Costco is amazing. It's literally everything under one roof. He found a very nice and sturdy backpack, his old one is getting a bit frayed around the edges. There is a special on their notebooks, he found some shirts and socks, plus with the backpack he can even see how many he can fit in. Traveling light is his best bet. He finds a good water bottle as well. It's really a one stop shopping experience for him. As he goes to the counter, he sees the shoes.

He needs new boots, maybe not at this very moment, but still, he is planning on walking some distance, he will need some shoes.

There is quite a bit to choose from, looking at the styles he doesn't notice the little girl coming up to him.

"You should take the black and grey ones."

Startled Bucky looks down to her.

"What?"

"The black and grey ones, you should take those, my mom says they're the best colour to choose from as it goes with everything."

"Your mom sounds wise."

"She is. Are you alone here?" She asked, looking around his trolley.

"Yeah. Are you?"

She shakes her head.

"Nope, with my mom, we need pop tarts for my brother, and I need more glue sticks for my glue gun, mom is helping me, it's for school, I'm building a rocket."

Bucky had no idea how to reply to that.

"Oh... You like school?"

"It's okay, I have to go, I'm not supposed to be talking to strangers, so you know... Bye..." She waved before making her way down the aisle where her mom was loading more stuff into her trolley.

Bucky looks at the black and grey shoes and takes it. It does go with everything he owns.


	208. Chiffon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre war

26 july chiffon

Bucky and Steve were enjoying the soft rain falling down. It was a Saturday afternoon; they had no plans. Steve can't go out if it rains anyway. That is just asking for trouble, so Bucky claimed he was tired, it's been a long week and he just wants to take it easy.

Steve was sitting at the table drawing something for art class and Bucky was sitting on the small couch, reading a book.

The knock came unexpectedly, and both stopped doing what they were busy with.

Bucky gets up to open the door.

"Becca?" Becca stands in the doorway, dripping wet with a smile on her face and cradling her right hand. .

"Hey."

"What are you doing here? Is everything okay? What happened? Bucky asks immediately, still holding the door open looking at her hand, which was red and swollen, the knuckles bruised. Steve had gotten up and was walking over to them.

"I'm great, can I come in or should I sit here in the doorway?"

Bucky rolls his eyes and steps aside, to let his sister in. Once inside he grabs her hand to look at it.

"Hey Steve, how are you?"

"I'm good, clearly better than you, although my bruises are usually much worse. What happened?"

"That's what I want to know too, this looks like you punched someone."

"I did. It was great, no wonder you two like it so much."

Bucky and Steve share a look.

"We don't enjoy it."

They both had the audacity to look offensive.

"Sure, boxing champion and back alley brawler."

With a loud sigh, Bucky walks to the kit he keeps for dealing with Steve's injuries.

"Why don't you tell us what happened?"

Steve offered while pointing to the sofa for her to sit down, he sat next to her and Bucky on the small coffee table, reaching for her hand.

"Well, I was walking home this morning afternoon, me and Clara went to the library, and there were these boys...."

Bucky's eyes narrow and Steve sits up straighter. Becca smiles.

"... They kept following us, making remarks and saying we should go out with them.... We politely told them no. A couple of times then I just lost my patience and took them on."

"So, you punched them?"

Steve asks as Bucky inspects her hand.

"No... Told 'em straight. No means no. Then he tried to pull my chiffon ribbon, I pushed him and then I punched him."

"You can't just go and punch people Becca, what about Claire and his friends?"

"He asked for it!"

Becca defended.

"He did?" Bucky asks.

She nods.

"He did, I asked him to stop and he said, whatcha gonna do Lady punch me?"

Bucky and Steve share a look, from the smile on her face, that's exactly what she did.

They shake their heads.

"Well, you didn't break anything, some skin is aff at the knuckles but that's normal, it will be a bit sensitive for a few days though. What are you going to tell Ma?" Bucky asked.

Becca shrugs.

"Don't know yet, hey can I stay for dinner! I brought some fresh bread?"

"Yeah sure, but tell me first where did you learn to throw a punch like that anyhow?"

Becca rolls her eyes.

"From you two, where else?"


	209. An aside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pre war

27 July an aside

The door closes with a solid thud and Bucky looks up from the pot. Steve came walking in, his slow actions made worse by the big sketchpad he is carrying, and the bag filled with his art supplies.

"How was class?" Bucky asks, already knowing the answer. It was not good.

"Egh ughhhh." Steve replied with a grunt before sitting down at the table and dropping his head on his arms.

Bucky takes a breath and glances back at the pot of stew simmering.

"I'm so glad I understand Egh ugnbbn, it means 'not good' right?"

"Shuddup..."

"Oh, it means shut up, huh... Wouldn't have been able to have guessed that." Steve looks at Bucky with a narrowing of his eyes. Bucky smiles widely in return.

Sighing Steve runs his hand through his hair, before sitting back in the chair.

"I have to draw a picture imitating _an aside_."

"A what?"

"An aside..."

"Yeah, you went back to the other language and I got ‘shut up’ wrong...." Bucky smiles and Steve rolls his eyes, sighing loudly.

"That thing actors do in a play or movie, where they talk a bit the audience can hear them, but not the other actors?"

"Like a soliloquy?" Bucky asks and Steve stares at him.

"You don't know what an aside is, but you know soliloquy?"

Bucky shrugs.

"Apparently."

So, you need to draw it, can’t be too hard, right? I mean could be two people and one is looking away, mouth open to show he is talking or indicating with his hands.

"Example?"

"You and me... Here, you sitting at the table, me making dinner and talking to the audience..."

"Saying what exactly?"

Bucky picks up the wooden spoon and puts it in front of his mouth. His arm reaching out.

"Oh my... For thee punk, is picking fights again, I found thee in the alleyway.... Again.... Fighting, scuffle... Again..."

Steve bursts out laughing and Bucky joins in.

"See, not so hard, now bring me two bowls please, so we can have dinner."


	210. Three generations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after endgame

28 July three generations

Bucky watches the platform with dismay and a broken heart. Steve went back, somewhere Bucky couldn't follow, no matter how much he wanted to.

Steve spoke to him last night and told him his plans. Bucky didn't have it in him to ask him to stay, so he did what every good friend would do and wished him well.

This morning he was late to breakfast and found Sam and Steve outside, having a serious conversation.

Bucky didn't think much about it, Steve is probably saying goodbye. They did theirs last night. To Bucky at least, he doesn't think he can talk to Steve today, not much besides the general greeting and then.... The goodbye.

The final scene, the final chance he will ever have to see Steve, to take him in. To feel the presence, to see that bright eyes alive. He already has several videos and news accounts of Steve saved, but that is on a screen.... This...

He drops his plate.

It breaks in half.

"Sorry." He mumbles picking the two pieces up and taking it to the dustbin. No one says a thing. He doesn't know if it is because of the atmosphere or because it's him. He can't think about that now. He looks at the two broken pieces, he and Steve... Once whole, now apart. At least Steve won't be for long, he will go get his other half soon enough.

He doesn't eat, he can't handle it.

Sam and Steve come back in but Bucky is already in another room, keeping his distance.

Steve didn't even stand close to Bucky during the funeral, Bucky was desperate for that last sense of him...

They didn't get a chance again to be alone, Bucky made sure or Steve did as well because there were a couple of times where Bucky was standing alone and Steve watched him before going to someone else. He needs to say goodbye to everyone.

The seconds felt like eons... And then... That unmistakable quiet in the eye of the storm.

He was gone.

Bucky turned to move away when there was a flash.

"Buck!" The voice yelled and Bucky spun around.

It's Steve.

Bucky's eyes widened as Steve came walking to him, determined.

"I have to know Buck, I have to know. I couldn't... Not if there is a chance..."

Bucky kept staring.

"W... What? I don’t... Understand..."

"I have to know Buck, Sam said, and Natasha once said..."

"Know what?" Bucky asks, still too flabbergasted to say anything else, Sam was staring at them, looking confused but uncertain.

Steve walked till he was standing in front of Bucky, a few inches apart.

"That there is the smallest chance that you have feelings for me."

Bucky swallows as if he just lost air, eyes wide.

"You came back to ask me that?"

"Yes! I couldn’t. I wanted to ask before... But.. . I couldn't stay not knowing."

So you throw away your only chance to be happy?"

"BUCK!"

"Yes!" Bucky yells before he takes another step back, his eyes on Steve's. Tears pooling in his eyes.

He lowered his voice.

"Since I was a kid Stevie, always. I never stopped, not willingly, when the memories came back, everything came back."

"Why didn't you say something?"

"How can I? How could I? You're straight, you want to go back to her, to live a life with her... Which for some stupid reason you didn't stay, and now that's on my conscious too. You're one chance of happiness."

"I was going to stay, start a new timeline and everything, but then Sam and I talked this morning, and he said some things, it made me think... I couldn't stay not knowing..."

"Now you know, and you can't go back."

"I don't want to go back, knowing that you loved me."

"Steve..."

"I love you too. Always. Like I told Sam and Natasha went I found out about you, that afternoon. Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky. As long as I have you, I have everything."

Steve and Bucky kept staring at each other, and Sam rolled his eyes.

"When they ask three generations from now, the story of you two, I better get the credit, and the movie rights... I don't get paid enough for this shit. Now I'm leaving, talk, like you should have done before." Bucky and Steve watch him walk away towards Bruce, mumbling to himself.

Steve turns back to Bucky.

"Say it. I haven't heard you say it."

Bucky swallows the lump and reaches for Steve who grabbed his hands.

"You will stay for me?" Bucky askes still dumbfounded. Steve smiles.

"For us."

The tears slip from Bucky’s eyes and run down his cheeks.

He leans in and Steve wraps his arms around him.

Bucky turns his head close to Steve's ears.

"I thought I'd never see you again and it broke me. Steve... I love you. Always have, always will."

Steve holds him tight, also crying.

"Love you too Buck."


	211. High Ground

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2

29 july high ground

The hike was long and weary. The days mix together with cold and dreariness.

By the fifth day the tempers were running high, the cigarettes wet, and the overall feeling was of frustration.

They continued walking when they heard a low rumbling sound.

Dumdum sighs loudly.

"Well you don't need the good old Captain's hearing to know that is thunder."

The moans and groans were loud as it moved across the men. Bucky closed his eyes and clenched his fist. He really can't deal with thunder or lightning storms at the moment.

Steve looks around before turning back to the men.

"Okay, we need to find high ground, then try to build some sort of shelter, set up the tents and wait it out. Hopefully we can make a fire and just take it easy."

"An early night, won't that be something."

Jones replied already looking wistfully at the prospect.

Bucky can relate.

"Yeah, why not. I think it might do all of us some good."

"Aye aye Captain."

As one they started to spread out, a few looking for some dry wood, others for higher ground. Steve was helping with the wood and Bucky with searching for higher ground.

Bucky found it, but he couldn't tell them yet it would be too suspicious, so he softly pressed Dumdum in that direction so he could find it.

He did.

"Bloody Mary beans on toast and crackers.."

"What?" Bucky asks innocently.

"Look here, a bloody cave."

He points to the direction and Bucky follows. He looks down."Well, not bloody, muddy though..."Dumdum shot him a look and Bucky snickers.

"Yeah, great find Dumdum, let's go get the others, maybe we don't even need the tents.

"We do. There's bat's in there. I can tell."

"With a mustache like that I would also be concerned."

"Listen here you..." Bucky just started laughing as he pretends to stay out of his way. They walk back to the others.

"Listen here Sarge, we're all on edge, how come you're so calm?"

Bucky thinks about it, he is relatively calmer than the others, more relaxed and even still able to make a joke here and there.

"I don't know, I was also like this, calmer than the rest, not much I can do about the situation so changing my attitude won't change it, but I can adapt my attitude so it doesn't change me, I guess."

Dumdum stares at him without saying anything.

"What?"

Dumdum shakes his head and pats him on the shoulder.

"You're one of a kind, and I muddy love you."

"Bloody...."

Bucky corrected with a smile.


	212. Selfie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> no steve

30 July selfie

Bucky is enjoying his lunch. He and Sam had been working closely for the past couple of months. The burger is amazing, and he always orders it with extra cheese.

Sam would just shake his head and enjoy his food.

"He's not usually late, is he?" Bucky asks, dipping his fry in the ketchup.

"Not that I know, Fury is usually on time, or he looks like the type."

"I am, sorry for today, I was held up a little longer at the office than expected.

Bucky shrugs and adds some fries to his burger before taking a huge bite. Sam pulls his face before turning to Fury.

"That's okay, as you can see, we ordered lunch, anything we can get you?"

"No thank you. I already requested a coffee before sitting down. So how's things going, the reports have been great and very promising. Hill speaks highly of you both."

Bucky watches the change in Sam's posture, he still has a huge crush on her.

"She's a great confidant, and knows her story, I'm looking forward to working with her more."

"That's great to hear. I want to talk to you two about bringing in another person, you know her, she is top of her game and once already helped you guys out."

Bucky frowns before he connects the dots. So does Sam.

"Agent Carter."

Bucky knows what she did for them, he also remembers the kiss he was forced to witness back in Europe. He did his own research, she is very good at her job, she knows her stuff. Bucky just isn't sure he is ready for another Carter in his life. He also knows he can't judge her for her name or keep it against her.

"Is she willing to join?" Sam asks, Bucky had no intention of saying anything at this point in time. He is continuing to eat his very delicious meal.

"Yes, she is at the same moment gathering data, you know all that conspiracy theories about world dominion and selfies, right?"

Sam nods.

"It's not a conspiracy, Hydra helped plant the idea of a selfie doing the work for them."

"Aaah fuck.." Sam groans.

Fury looks at Bucky.

"I always suspected but couldn't confirm, do you know a lot about it?"

"Not much, but enough to maybe set up a baseline."

"Will you, you can send it to me, and I will send it to the necessary channels."

"To Sharon." Sam offers.

Fury nods.

"Yes. I want to bring her in, but only if you both give me the green light."

Sam and Bucky share a look. It's a sensitive subject for both of them.

They nod.

"Thanks man. Appreciate it." Sam replies.

"Thank you. Nick." Bucky replies. He and Fury share a look before the waitress brings their coffee.

"Then it's settled."

Fury looks at the two men, they have a mutual respect for each other, they have come far and are just beginning to form a close bond, needed to be in the field. He thinks back to his 'visitor' he really hopes the old Captain doesn't make waves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are so many conspiracy theories out there regarding selfies and the government keeping tabs, just like the whole Tiktok thing, and you know... I can believe it, at this stage, nothing would surprise me.


	213. 12th night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery in Wakanda

31 July 12th night

Outside the sun is low on the horizon. Steve is sitting outside, relaxing and enjoying the last heat of the day. Bucky comes walking out with two mugs holding it in his right hand.

"Here you go."

Steve took the two mugs as Bucky sits down, it was a bit getting used to, seeing him with one arm, but he is doing fine, and refuses a new arm at this stage.

Steve waited till he was comfortable before handing him his mug.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

They sit side by side on the low chairs, their legs spread out, each with a mug, looking at the sunset.

"It's so beautiful here, I never thought I'd see something like this again."

"The sunset?"

Bucky asked, his face relaxed. Steve loved it, he can't remember the last time he saw Bucky so happy and content, back in Brooklyn probably.

"Yeah. And you." He admits. Bucky snaps his head to Steve, who was looking at him fondly.

"Me?"

"I can't remember the last time I saw you this happy, this relaxed and the only image that comes up is back in Brooklyn, that one night after you won a championship at the boxing ring, you spent the prize money between us and your folks."

"That piece of ham was amazing, the butter on that bread, best sandwich ever." Bucky adds, his face smiling. Steve nods, it took a while before Bucky could talk back, but every day comes more healing and more happy memories.

"Yeah, it was. I miss those days." Steve admits.

"You're allowed to, you know, to miss those days, I do too."

"When I woke up in this world, there wasn't really a time to adapt, I tried to be strong but I think it was on the twelfth night or something that it just hit me... It was all gone, then two years... Two years and I can honestly tell you, that I have no certain idea what I actually did... I was alive... "

"Not living." Bucky finished for him. Steve nodded.

"Maybe... Maybe we can both start to live again." Bucky replied softly with his eyes on the setting sun. Steve turns to his, his face golden in the light. He missed his friend, so much.

"Yeah. That's a great idea."


	214. A kind gesture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Civil War

All the lovely banners were made by kocuria, find her on [Tumblr!](https://kocuria.tumblr.com)  
You can find me as well at [Tumblr!](https://acrushedrosestillwins.tumblr.com/)  


* * *

* * *

1 August A kind gesture

Bucky is sitting on the table, all around him is technology and things he can't even begin to understand, but somehow trusts.

He doesn't really like science anymore, he used to, before he became an experiment, a piece of equipment so to speak.

He promised himself, he will never willingly spend time with scientists and technology, look at him now.

Sitting in a lab, without an arm, and a cup of hot chocolate next to him. He is calm, he is safe and more importantly, he feels safe.

Steve is on his way here, he is talking with the new crowned king. T'challa as he likes to be called. Not king... Steve is still on the 'your majesty' bus, but Bucky took the offer for what it was. A kind gesture. A way to put him on even footing with them, for Bucky to feel calm and safe enough to trust him. It worked. Well, his sister Shuri had a lot of hand in that. She saw Bucky and went into over protective mode, claiming Bucky as 'her white boy' and no one is to mess with him.

Bucky felt a connection with her instantly. She was the one who brought him the hot chocolate, saying 'chocolate cures many things.'

He didn't understand, until that first warm sip in a cold looking lab. He gets it now, plus it is one of the most delicious things he has ever tasted.

Bucky picks up the mug and finishes the last bit. Shuri walks over.

"Didn't I tell you?"

Bucky smiles, soft and shy, but she counts it as a win, so far the only person who can get any real reaction out of him, is Steve. The 'second broken white boy' according to her.

"You did. Thank you. It's the best I ever had."

She lowered her voice

"Once I get those words out, and you can be awake, there is plenty more, I will take you to all the best shops, and you can drink as much as you want."

The blush is high, the sincere look of longing for those days evident.

"Thank you. For everything."

"You're welcome."


	215. Peonies and petunias

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre War

2 August Peonies and petunias

Bucky opens the door to the small radio playing throughout the little flat. He can smell the soup on the stove. Steve is back from art class; he usually gets home early on a Thursday.

Bucky is tired and dirty, it was a long day, he is very glad that it is almost the weekend, he is going to catch up on some much-needed sleep.

Walking into the kitchen he stops.

On the table was a small vase with flowers.

He looks at Steve who was stirring the soup, his back to Bucky.

"Aaw a nice romantic dinner with flowers, Stevie, you shouldn't have. Your face is pretty enough, these flowers don't compare at all."

Bucky jokes and comes to stand next to Steve, he will probably take over now that he is home.

Steve rolls his eyes and gives him a light jab with his elbow. Bucky hardly moved out of the way.

"Jerk."

Steve hands Bucky the wooden spoon.

"Something tastes off, it needs something...."

Bucky takes a small sip of the stew, Steve watching closely.

"I'd say..."

"It's not salt, but I can't put my finger on it."

"uhm...I'd say some marjoram, or sage, do we still have some?" Bucky asks as he stirred the soup. Steve opened a cupboard.

"Yeah, some marjoram, from the ones your mom gave us" Steve hands him the packet and Bucky pours some into the pot.

"So what's with the flowers?"

"It's for class, we need to pick an era and artist and try that style on the peonies and petunias."

"Like Van Gogh, or Monet, or whoever you've mentioned before?"

"Yes."

"Sounds interesting, who are you going to choose?"

"I don't know, I don't have enough paint for Monet, maybe Vermeer, I can use pencils for that."

"Well if you want to use paint, why not choose one of those who had a very blurry background that you can do with pencils and the flowers with paint, so it kind of blends in."

Steve tilts his head, thinking about it and shrugs.

"Maybe, I'll see after dinner."

"Good, let me go and wash my hands then we can eat."


	216. kindred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

3 Aug Kindred

The atmosphere is lively and exuberant all the men were relaxing and having some much-needed downtime.

Phillips was in his tent, doing what a colonel does, Bucky didn't care at this moment. As long as he doesn't have to go out into the field until it is called for, which is tomorrow afternoon, he is fine.

Dumdum and Jones somehow managed to get a few bottles of whiskey out here, again, Bucky doesn't care at the moment. They have their ways and their connections. He is just glad that he is able to get two full glasses of the beautiful liquid for himself.

Although it hardly did a thing to him, someone he actually does care about.

The loud laughter brings him back to the present. There was a huge fire in the middle and nearly everyone was sitting around it, making jokes and trying to forget where they actually were.

Bucky looks straight ahead, but he can feel Steve next to him, there is some space between them Bucky rather keeps from thinking that there never used to be a space between them if they sat next to each other.

Everything changes right?

Apparently, that problem doesn't exist between Agent Carter and Steve. She is sitting on the other side

They're kindred spirits Bucky thinks. Both of them, the same. Happy to be in a war. Desperate to win. Will stop at nothing to win. Bucky is the exact opposite, maybe that's why the space between him and Steve is growing while the space between Steve and her is getting shorter.

"Agent Carter, Sarge here has told us so many tales of the Captain, do you have one you'd like to share?"

Bucky feels Steve's eyes on him as Dernier asks his question, but Bucky didn't glance at Steve.

"Actually yes. It was in training, back at Camp Le high..."

Bucky found himself listening, working out that Steve was in training while he wrote letters asking about his art classes, he listened as she told the men about Steve's cleverness with the pole, feeling that pride blooming in his chest. Then she started telling them about the grenade.

That pride gave way to anger, he finally turned his head to Steve.

"He jumped on the fucking grenade?" Bucky asks not even caring about his language. Steve tried to shrink. Peggy looked at him, her head held high.

"Yes, he is utterly remarkable."

"He is a fucking stubborn ass punk, who is about to get his ass kicked."

The men laughed and Steve turned to Bucky.

"I need to start running right?" He asked, trying to put on his puppy eye look. Bucky is immune, okay he isn't not really, just too angry to fall for it.

"Yes you get a 5 second head start Rogers."

"Buck, come on, I still have whiskey left...."

"Five."

"He's not serious, is he?" Peggy asked.

"I'm right here, and yes I am. Four."

Steve swallows his whiskey in one sip and stands up, Bucky following. The men watch them with great joy.

"Listen... I didn't know it was a dummy."

"That's the fucking point. Dummy! Three." Bucky cries and Steve starts to take a few steps back, his hands held out.

"In my defence…."

"You don't get a defence, you stubborn arse punk! Two."

Steve sighs.

"I'm sorry Buck."

Bucky narrows his eyes and points to an open area.

"One."

Steve turns around and runs as Bucky follows him, all the while yelling, "Sorry Buck."

The men wiped tears as they laughed. Dumdum poured himself another drink.

"That's my Sarge!"

"Hear hear." The rest cheered. Peggy watches them with narrowed eyes and finishes her drink.


	217. self-published

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after endgame  
> no steve

4 Aug Self-published

Bucky browses through the bookstore, Sam is outside on a call and then they will go get some groceries before going back to the house.

They're trying to keep a low profile as much as possible these days, while the world still tries to get its balance back from the askew axle it rested the past five years.

Bucky already has a small heap of books that he intends on buying. None of them science fiction or related to the Blip. Or war... Or fighting.

Sam comes in and sees the title.

"I never took you for a romcom type."

Bucky smiles and shrugs.

"I never was. Guess it's a good time for a change, besides some good ending stories can be good right?"

Sam watches him and nods.

"Yeah, I guess so." He replies softly before starting to browse through the books.

"If I may ask, what was your type as a kid?"

Bucky adds the book to his pile before smirking.

"Science fiction, HG. Wells and comic books. Becca loved animal stories so I would read that to her..."

"Stars and galaxies and comic books... Did you enjoy the original Captain America comics?"

The smile falls from Bucky's mouth and he straightens his back.

"No. I hated it and everyone would joke about it."

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine, I'm going to that shelf, stay away from the back one over there unless you want Snap or Blip related." Bucky turns around and walks over to the shelf on his right, his pile under his metal arm, covered by his shirt. Sam briefly closed his eyes. He didn't think it would bring up bad memories, good ones yes.... He follows Bucky.

"I'm sorry if I seemed insensitive, I fell straight into the trap of just going by history books and what was written..."

"It's fine. No one knew, it became a running joke, if someone would ask, they would say I loved it, and even wanted the outfit. You know how it is, teammates messing with each other."

"Yeah... I do."

They were quiet a while Bucky picking up another book with a neon sticker.

"What does this mean?" He asked holding the book for Sam.

"Oh neon pink stickers are to indicate that the book was originally self-published before a company published it. To show that this isn't the original or first printed copy."

"Oh, thanks."

They walked to the counter and Bucky paid for his books. As they climbed into the car Bucky looked outside the window.

"I hated it because it wasn't who we were, not really. It showed Steve as the Captain first, instead of a man, a person, same with me and the others we were sources of entertainment, not persons. In the end, we weren’t persons after all, certainly not me.”

Sam swallows and sighs, how is he supposed to answer that, after everything now?


	218. brain dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> bucky and Fury

5 Aug Brain dead

The new HQ is fully rebuilt and functional, people running around, carrying files and tablets. Bucky walks past them, a quick nod or a smile between them is the only indication of a greeting.

Bucky walks straight to the office at the end of the hallway, it belongs to Fury.

The door is open, and he walks in, Fury is standing in front of the small counter where a coffee machine is and a water jug, and some snacks.

"I asked for this, because that way, I can actually get some decent coffee whenever I want. Do you want one?" Fury offered as he filled his cup.

Bucky thinks for a moment.

"Yes please." Nodding Fury puts in a pod and presses the necessary buttons.

Once done they walk to the office and sit down.

"You wanted to see me?"

Bucky nods and takes a sip. His eyes widened. Fury smiled, sitting back.

"Told you it's good."

"It is."

Putting the mug down Bucky looks at Fury.

"You said that, whenever I need...help, or want to know something you'd help."

"I did. Open door policy for you."

"Some...memories... Came back. About Hydra... About some operations, I was wondering if there is any way to see if it is still in operation, or if it is something, they gave up a long time ago."

"Of course, it's possible, we can find out. What was this specific operation."

"Organ harvesting and blood banks..."

Fury furrowed his eyes.

"I didn't know that they were into that, but it makes sense, what was the basis, how did they go about it."

"Sometimes their experiments... Didn't always have the desired results and those candid... Victims were sent to a specific facility, they were declared brain dead, but kept alive on machines. Their blood will be drawn and sold, as well as their organs, the ones...at least the ones that didn't suffer too much aftereffects. If the experiments did cause some damage, they would still find a way to clean the blood and sell that. It's horrible and gross, but it is something I've been thinking about, sometimes people were innocent and just..."

"Went through it to get rid of them, cover their tracks."

Bucky nods.

Fury clasps his hands together.

"It is a nauseating thought, but we can certainly look into it. Especially if they are continuing with experiments. Do you remember if they used a certain clinic or medical facility?"

"No... I will try, I'm sure if I see some names or places today, it will jog my memory."

"Okay, but only if you are ready to go down that line."

Bucky looks down and takes a deep breath.

"I think I can, won't be easy, but it might help so... Yeah."

"Okay, let's do it then."


	219. Look what you made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery in Wakanda  
> Steve visiting

6 aug Look what you made

It was a bad day, Bucky woke up from his nightmares and slipped from his bed to go outside. It was still reasonably dark outside, the soft glow of the sunrise in the far distance. Bucky walks till he was a few yards from the hut before sagging onto his knees and lowering his head to the ground. He clutches at some green weed growing and rips it out the ground. He wants to scream, he wants to cry but the only thing that comes out, is dry tears and shallow breaths.

He remembered another one, a young woman, she was innocent and wanted to help the world, but Hydra didn't want the world to be better.

Her brown eyes didn't waver, she stood bravely up to him, even if it was a short fight.

"It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault...." He tries to remind himself with every thought, closing his eyes as the dry tears finally start to become wet.

The salt burning down his cheek.

"Bucky! BUCK!!"

Bucky spun around as he heard the frantic yells of Steve.

Steve is standing in front of the hut, only his boxers, his hair disheveled and very worried.

"Steve, are you okay, what's wrong?"

Bucky got up, running to Steve, his hand outstretched to calm Steve. Seeing him Steve steps closer and instead of taking the hand, uses the opening to hug Bucky, throwing his arms around him holding tight.

"I woke up and you weren't there. I got worried."

Bucky sighs.

"I'm sorry... I'm okay... I'm here..."

Steve pulls away and frowns.

"You don't look okay, what's wrong?"

"Had a nightmare, remembered a mission, a young woman..."

Steve's heart wants to break for him, instead he hugs Bucky again who just sagged against him.

"I'm sorry Buck."

"Thank you. I know it's not me... But it is me... In a way... I just... Don't feel like I have any use you know, like I'm hiding away here... A coward too ashamed of his past. I can't even be there for you, watch your back."

Steve stepped back, but still in touching distance, which he implemented as he didn't let go of Bucky.

"Don't say that. Look what you have made here, a home... You're the only one who ever made me feel like living in a place is home. You are the strongest and bravest man I know. You have overcome so much, and I am proud and honoured to be your friend. You have seen me when no one else did, you saw me, and now I see you. And what I see is brave, strong, loyal and true. A good man. I know there will be bad days, but don't let it get to you, let me help to get over them, okay?"

Steve is looking so hopeful and genuine that Bucky started crying all over again, Steve pulled him back into a hug. They stayed like that for a while.

"Thanks Steve."

"You're welcome. Look at me, panicking because I woke up without seeing you... We all have our things that try to get us down."

"Looks like we're both a mess this morning, let's have some coffee hey."

Steve nods.

"Yeah, how about a day where we just eat ice cream and watch those movies Sam recommended?"

Bucky smiles and wipes his eyes, the sun is starting to rise over the horizon.

It's a new day, it may not be perfect, but it is new, and has its own opportunities. He looks at Steve.

"Sounds like a good idea, I also have some of those frozen pizzas you like."


	220. he picked his nose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kid Bucky

7 Aug He picked his nose

Bucky is watching the kids run past him, Steve dragging behind. His shirt was rumpled and he was carrying his bag, a slight limp in his leg as well. Bucky sighs.

"With whom did you pick a fight today?

"Stanley and his mates, took Lucas's lunch box."

Steve answered as they started to walk home. Bucky rolls his eyes, that has become his daily routine with Steve.

Ask Steve who he fought with, why they fought and roll his eyes. He is starting to wonder if that makes his eyes unique and like those people he has seen in that freaky shows they advertise. From the way he rolls his eyes at his best friend.

"It doesn't look like it was too rough, he is walking fine and you have a slight limp. And no blood..."

Steve narrows his eyes at Bucky who shrugs.

"Sorry... Truth though."

Steve pursed his lips.

"Mrs. Clemons stepped in, before it could get 'out of hand'". Bucky makes a mental note to say thank you or give her some kind of gift, he may be quiet and behave for a whole class as a thank you gesture that his friend wasn't beaten to a pulp.

"Did you get into trouble?"

"No... she did ask that I help her with cleaning the board tomorrow."

"And Stanley?

"He needs to clean the biology class; the frogs made a mess."

Both snicker at that. Steve got it easy.

"I'll help you with the board, two hands easy work and so on, besides you shouldn't let Stanley bother you, I heard Missy, his sister told Lucy, who told Becca he picks his nose..."

"Eew Buck..."

"Exactly..."

"Didn't Missy just make it up?"

"No...Becca said, Lucy said she swore it..."

Both Bucky and Steve pull a face as they walk home.


	221. Jolly green giant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid Bucky

8 Aug Jolly green giant

Bucky watches his little sister as she tries to hide her peas without anyone noticing.

She really doesn't like her peas, Bucky is not overly fond of it either, but he has learned that food is food and keeps the stomach cramps at bay. Hunger is not a match for peas. His parents do the best they can, and he knows they get by, Steve has it much worse.

"Rebecca, is something wrong with the food?"

Becca looks up to her mom who is looking expectantly at her.

"Uh no Ma everything is fine." To prove her point she took a bite of the mash and smiled.

Bucky wanted to roll his eyes.

"The peas are really good aren't they Becs?" Bucky asked with a straight face, his fork heaped with peas. Becca narrows her eyes at her brother who just smiled widely before putting it in his mouth.

"Yum.. You should try it.." Bucky answers and then tries to eat with his mouth open.

"Bucky...." Becca replies, her voice hard and strong. Bucky didn't care.

"Yeah sis...?"

"Don't try.."

"What's going on?" George asked from the head of the table. Both children turn to him.

"Nothing, Bucky is just being a real..."

"Not at the dinner table. Now eat your food."

Both look down at their plates.

"Sorry."

"Sorry."

They both mumbled and continued to eat.

Bucky continues to eat and keeps glancing at his sister and the face she makes as she looks at the peas.

Deciding she needs help he pretends to reach for his glass of water and accidentally pushes it so it falls. It was nearly empty anyway.

"Oh I'm sorry Ma!" he jumped up and started to wipe the spill with his napkin.

"Becca go get another napkin." Winifred orders as she helps Bucky to clean up.

Reluctantly Becca went to get another one and handed it to Bucky. Once the spill was cleaned up they sat down. Becca picks up her fork and sees half her peas are gone. Smiling, she turns to Bucky who just blinked at her before continuing to eat.

"Dinner is really good tonight Darling, did you buy that new brand of peas you wanted to try?"

"Yes, the Jolly green giant one, it's a new type of pea, apparently sweeter than the others..." She glanced at the kids.

"Bucky, Becca what do you think, is it better than the others I usually make?"

Both looked at their mother and smiled.

"Yes Ma, it's very good."

"That's good, we can buy them from now on, they're also cheaper so we can buy more than normal."

Bucky and Becca share a look, both demotivated.


	222. Table for 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 years on the run before Civil War

9 aug Table for 1?

"Do you want some milk?"

Bucky snarls as he reads the word he wrote down. He wondered if that was the first crack in the ice around his head. Pearce asked him for some milk.

He didn't understand what it meant

Was it a code? 

Was it a suggestion? 

Was it an order?

No. 

It was a joke, to mock him. Because he can't, couldn't say yes or no... He couldn't do anything and then Pearce just shot that poor woman... He didn't even flinch. 

Bucky crumbles the porcelain mug in his hand, the shards clinging over the plates as it falls to the floor, the dark coffee dripping down. He takes a breath.

He looks down and bows his head as tears start to form. 

"I'm sorry... Roberta... Berta? I don't... Even... Your name.... I'm sorry..." Bucky whimpers between his sobs as he cries. He has been crying a lot these days as the memories come back. He writes it down. He can't forget, not again. He won't. 

The minutes tick by as he sat at the small kitchen table and cried. 

The table also functions as a desk and living space along with the kitchen side... Where he would eat. The table isn't that big, but he is alone. 

A table for one so to speak and he uses every area, for his will. 

Clenching his fist he realized the coffee is dry and sticky, he needs to wash it. It's not very late, but he is tired and weary. Closing the book and putting it aside he picks up the broken pieces and mops the floor. 

Once done he makes sure everything is locked and secured before making his way to the bathroom. 

He will call it an early night. 


	223. Attractions, laws of...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery in Wakanda  
> Bucky and Shuri

10 Aug Attraction, laws of…

Shuri watches from the side of her eyes for Bucky. Ever since he was cleared of the words and trying to make peace with everything, he has shown his side for knowledge, specifically science.  
He was very hesitant to ask about it, and scared.

Honestly, she can't blame him. After everything he was put through it's a miracle in itself that he still has a small seed of interest left for science.  
In response she is trying everything from her side to bring it back, to make him feel comfortable and at peace with the idea of science and technology.  
She offered a table in the corner of her lab, next to the wide window if he wants to read or do research or just watch her work.

  
Now, two to three times a week he would come, first quiet and keeping to himself as he goes through book after book. If he didn't understand something, he would look it up on the internet and watch a video explaining it.  
He was dedicated. She would start with one video and an hour later be on some other dumb YouTube stuff...  
"What's it today Bucky?"  
Bucky looks up and smiles, his pen in hand making notes.  
"Attraction, the laws of attraction to be precise. It's very interesting..."  
"Yes, it is..." She answers and smiles as he buries his head back into the book.  
She shakes her head and makes a small fist bump in the air next to her before going on with her work.  
Bucky who was watching her reaction on the phone screen smiled softly before going on.  
She can have her win.


	224. Royal Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

11 Aug Royal blue

Howard wanted to see them at 8 in the morning, sharp he said. After Bucky found out the hand Howard had in Steve's transformation, he had to admit to himself that some of that hero worship he had for the mand dwindled. He still respects the man, is thankful that he helped Steve in the rescue but when it comes down to it. To the bottom line... Howard was halfway responsible for changing his little Stevie into this big muscular Steve.

He will admit, he loves the fact that Steve is no longer ill, that he no longer had to pray for him to make it through the night. That he can run to his heart content. Everything that comes with the serum.

But his Stevie, his artistic friend is.... Hiding, not really gone. Steve still draws, but he is gone. That little punk friend is now a big punk friend.

Bucky sighs and feels bad that he thinks like that. He has no right to be upset, to wish for a little bit of his old friend back.

"Aaw, you're here, that's good, we're doing suits today...."

Bucky watches as Howard pulls up one paper sheet after the other, multiple design and notes on them.

Steve is standing close by watching intently. He will, he is the one wearing the suit. The big royal blue and scarlet red and white suit that is visible a mile away.

"Buck...?"

Bucky looks up to see both men looking at him.

"Yes? Sorry... Did I zone out a bit?"

"Yeah? You okay Buck?" Steve asks the concern on his face. Bucky nods. He puts on a wide smile.

"Yeah, I was just thinking about your suit, the big colorful suit that is very visible, will you make some changes to that Mr. Stark?"

"Howard, please... And yes... We will... A little bit darker shades... But today's for your suit."

Bucky's eyes switch between the two, Steve with a wide smile.

"Mine?"

"Yes."

"I'm fine, I got my uniform..."

"Steve here drew a prototype suit for you, with reinforcements..."

"Reinforcements? What kind of reinforcements?"

"The same in my suit, some Kevlar, heat resistance against the cold...."

"Do I have a say in this?" Bucky asks the two men looking at him.

They smile. Howard pulls a sketch closer.

"Not really... How does a navy blue jacket sound?"


	225. S#!T@!!K

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

12 Aug S#!T@!!K

Bucky saw the man from afar, they were out on a mission Steve went ahead. On the bike, with the loud engine and the bright suit and he might as well have sent out invitations. Still. He looks through the scope to Steve's position. He was still standing with his back to them. The Howlies were doing their thing and Bucky was the lookout. And the sniper, of course. He picks up the small wave radio, one of Stark's inventions. It was good, perfect for the small range communications.

He looks through the scope and sees the soldier taking out his gun. He walks underneath the tree tops just as Bucky tries to get a shot in.

"Come on..."

"Fuck it Steve get out of the way... You're a walking target!" Bucky whispers but Steve went on, oblivious to the threat creeping up on him.

"Shit." Bucky cussed and then stood up, running as fast as he can to Steve's position. He can't make noise, he can't call him, because the soldier will see and Steve will be compromised.

The others were too far off to be able to warn Steve.

As he runs through the branches and trees he can see the soldier in the distance, very close to Steve's position.

Steve is still oblivious to what's going on. Bucky can't yell for anyone as it would compromise everyone.

"No....nono. Faster Barnes!" Bucky mumbles to himself running as fast as he can to Steve.

The soldier takes cover behind a tree, the gun in Steve's direction. It will be a kill shot. Underneath the helmet, above the neck.

Bucky jumps into the air and collides with Steve's body, just as the shot ran out.

Steve took a second to figure out what went wrong.

"Buck..."

"Eughs..." Steve jumped up to where the direction of the gunshot came and saw the soldier. He picked up his shield and saw the blood on his hands.

Bucky's.

Growling he swung the shield to the soldier, and it hit him straight on, as he tried to run away. He was dead, instantly.

Steve crouched down and tried to help Bucky who was laying down on his stomach, his fingers clenched in the snow. He was breathing rapidly.

"Buck!"

With shaking fingers, he turns him around.

The Howlies was all busy when they heard the shot then heard Steve's soft 'Buck'. They realized what happened and that the impact Bucky most likely switched the radios on. They rushed back to the site as they heard Steve's anguish and frightening words. The line is breaking up badly as they run and can hear only every second word.

"S#!T@!!K... Buck... Hold.... Why.... Dammit... Fuck.... Shit... Help...."

They share a look, did their Captain who hardly cussed ever is using profane language now? And somehow can't seem to stop.

Steve heard them coming but he was too busy to help Bucky, the bullet is still lodged inside but it missed the major organs which is a miracle. He is losing blood, and Steve's is pressing down the bandages.

"You're... going... Press... Banage....rig...thro..."

"Bucky groans as he leans against Steve. Steve placed Bucky so they faced each other, while pressing down on the wound.

"Shhh...need to stop... Bleeding... Shit.. Why... Buck.... Dammit.... Fucking fuck... Jones! I need more bandages!" Steve yelled once he saw the others. Jones kneeled and opened the kit.

Jones reached for Bucky but Steve held on.

"No... Can't lay down... Don't know his... Lungs... Don't.. I'm fine...." Steve kept uttering, it didn't make complete sense but they understood. Bucky was looking over Steve's shoulder, it hurt, but also... He can feel... Something in his body...

He can hear them talking, asking his position and the last thing he remembers before he passed out was Dernier's question.

"How did he get here so fast from way up there?"


	226. Stock exchange

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Direct after Winter Soldier

13 Aug Stock exchange

Bucky finds himself back at the bank vault. It is empty, everyone is gone. The scientists, the tact teams, everyone. The _chair_ , however, is right there.

Bucky heard people talking about what had happened as he made his way here. Shield is down. Shield was infiltrated by Hydra.

Shield is gone.

Hydra is gone.

Does that mean he is gone?

Pearce? Rumlow?

The winter soldier?

Bucky makes his way to the nearest clean and shining object and stares at himself in the reflection. It's not clear, a bit distorted but he can make the image out.

_"You're my friend."_

_"Bucky"_

_"Your name is James Buchanan Barnes."_

_"You're the fist"_

Bucky punches the image.

The distortion is worse and Bucky snarls turning to the desk. He needs to get away.

He needs to lay low.

He won't go back into the chair, he won't go back to Hydra or shield or whatever they are, were.

He needs to know if the man, if _Steve_ was right.

Grabbing a bag, he stuffs it full of things, some food, cash, a jacket... And water.

A ping alerts him and he grabs the first thing he can to fight. He turns around.

It's empty. There is no one.

Another ping.

It's the laptop. Bucky slowly walks closer and turns the screen.

It's a warning light. He leans in closer.

It's the market.

Hydra is always looking at the markets and the investments. Bucky is responsible for many companies turning to their favour.

There are red lights all over.

The stock exchange is in a shake down.

All Hydra's power is failing, and markets are crashing.

Bucky smiles and picking up the screen he throws it at the nearest wall.

It shatters.

Bucky doesn't care, taking the bag, he glances one more time at the chair before walking away.


	227. a trail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery in Wakanda

14 aug A trail

The sun is just coming up on the horizon, the grass tall and slowly moving from side to side as the wind blows between them. Bucky corrects the blanket around his shoulders before picking up the small bucket and walking back to the hut.

He can smell coffee and bacon and smiles.

Steve was visiting him and he finally somehow learned how to cook a proper breakfast.

Entering the hut he puts the bucket on the table, Steve turns around and smiles widely. Wearing his shorts and a t-shirt, Steve is at home here in Wakanda.

"Morning Buck."

"Morning Steve, here's more milk."

Steve eyes it.

"From..."

"The goats, don't be mean. You were fine with it so far."

"Yeah, but I don't think they like me." Steve answers with a smile.

Bucky starts to laugh as he walks around to pick up his mug of coffee.

"So what, you think they're going to jinx the milk, spit in it..."

"Asshole." Steve replies nonetheless eyeing the bucket with apprehension as he fills the bottles to put in the fridge. Bucky watches him as he drinks his coffee.

"Stop staring at the milk like they have personally offended you, I'm the one who had to milk the animals."

Steve throws his head back and laughs.

"Yeah, I still can't believe that one Buck, the city boy, now a country's master."

"Tomorrow I'm taking you with smart ass."

Bucky jokes back all smiling. Once done, Steve helps Bucky to set the table so they can have breakfast. Each with a plate with food Steve looks at Bucky.

"So today we're hiking again?"

"Yes, Shuri gave me a trail map to the small clearing on the other side, she said there is a waterfall, I've been meaning to go."

Awesome, I'll pack a picnic bag, and you can lead us and take some photos."

"Sounds like a good plan."

Smiling, they finish their breakfast, looking forward to the day.


	228. Stop it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery in Wakanda

15 aug Stop it

Bucky's recovery is slow, but it is going. He heals faster than most, but what really helps is Steve.

Steve's presence really makes a huge difference in his ability to remember his past, to deal with what had happened and to find his way into the new world and to move on. Since Shuri removed all the trigger words and Bucky was given a small place he could call his own, Steve's visits have also increased.

Steve woke up first and started to make breakfast. Occasionally he would glance to where Bucky is still sleeping his arm straight out, his fingers relaxed. The other arm is gone, and the stump is covered. Steve can't help to feel the wave of guilt as he looks at the stump. It takes some getting used to, to see Bucky going on with life with only one arm. He would struggle a bit, especially if they hike, but he adapted quickly. Steve had to stop himself multiple times not to reach out to help him.

One of the goats bleats loudly outside and Steve nearly jumps as he is startled. Bucky was instantly awake and took a moment to realize what it was before he pulled a face in the direction of the goat.

"Hey Buck."

"Morning. Been awake long?"

"Nah, about ten minutes. Here, do you want a glass of milk?" Steve asks, holding out the bottle.

Bucky froze his eyes staring ahead.

_"Do you want some milk?"_

Bucky didn't understand, he didn't know what was asked...

He remembers Pearce's face, standing at the fridge, looking smug. Bucky was sitting at the table, the gun in front of him, the barrel pointing to him.

"Buck..." Bucky blinks

"Sorry sir..." the housemaid came in, she forgot something, and Pearce shot her.

Steve knew something was wrong the moment the question left his mouth. Bucky's reaction was all he needed to know he was having a flashback, the worst is, he didn't know how a simple question about milk could trigger him. He walks closer, steady and and with his hands outstretched.

"Buck?"

Bucky blinks but then his eyes stare off into the distance again.

"Bucky... Snap out of it. You're safe. You're with me. You're in Wakanda. Please... Focus on me..."

Bucky blinks and his eyes finds Steve walking to him, trying to be unthreatening as possible.

"Steve?"

His mouth was dry, so he swallowed.

"Yeah, you're with me?"

Bucky nods.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry.. I didn't mean."

"Bucky, stop it, stop... You don't have to apologize okay. Not for anything. Is there something you need right now? Can I get you something?"

"Water, please." Steve grabs the bottle of water and hands it over. Bucky nearly empties it, before he offers a shaky smile.

"I had... I remembered something..."

"Want to tell me about it? If you want?"

"Pearce asked me if I wanted a glass of milk when I was in his house. He knew I couldn't answer, I wasn't.... Programmed... To understand a question like that. He did it to mock me. I did nothing. I watched him murder his housemaid for seeing me..."

Steve closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

"Can I sit on the bed, with you?"

Bucky nods and makes space for Steve.

Steve sits next to Bucky and puts his arm around him once Bucky gives his consent. He draws Bucky into a hug and Bucky goes willingly, in fact he holds tight onto Steve as to ground him.

"Tell me what to say to help you Buck?"

"You're doing it."

Steve just tightened his hold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I remembered that scene with the milk, a few scenarios came up, this is another take.


	229. Eloquent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2

16 Aug Eloquent  
Bucky watches with heavy heart as Steve, Howard and Agent Carter are talking about the latest mission. The rest of the boys are at the mess hall. Bucky wishes he could be there as well; he is quite hungry. Plus, he should enjoy the food while he can, out there in the field is rations only and that is on the top of his list for fun things.  
"I'm sure this will be better." Howard exclaimed and then started going on about his inventions.  
Once Bucky would have loved the opportunity to sit with Howard and listen about his inventions and his ideas, but Bucky couldn't, for the life of him pay attention.  
His attention was paid for by Steve and his interaction with Agent Carter.  
Bucky watches the three of them talk and moves a little further away, his eyes caught his reflection in something shiny against the wall.   
He is a little underfed, but most men here are. His hair is a bit dirty, but it is almost a requirement to be a foot soldier and a little bit on the wrong side of clean.  
Except for them.  
Those three.  
They look immaculate. All clean and strong and eloquent. Her hair is perfect, not a strand out of place, Steve's is clean and the blonde shining in the light hanging low. Howard looks like he just got out of a fashion magazine. And Bucky?  
He looks exactly like what he was, a soldier in the war. Far from base and civilization.  
His eyes look dark in the room, shadows under the eyes like some mismatched camouflage. He doesn't really recognize himself anymore, where he was the young boy who just wanted to live with his family, with Steve and go dancing on Saturdays.   
"Buck!"   
Startled Bucky turns back to them to see all three looking at him.   
"Sorry, what?"   
Steve's eyes narrow, the concern clear.  
"I asked what you thought about the plan."  
Bucky shrugged.   
"It doesn't matter what I think, I'm sure between the three of you you'll think of everything. I'm going to go get something to drink, it's a bit stuffy in here. Excuse me." without waiting Bucky left the room and walked away.   
It's not like he belongs there anyway. They're good, he is bad, he can feel it in his bones.


	230. unsure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2

17 Aug Unsure  
"Buck!"  
Bucky ignores the yell and zig zag between the tents and buildings to get away, the forest is about fifty yards and he sprints the last distance.  
He could hear a noise behind him, and he knew it was Steve.  
"Shit!" He forgot for a moment that Steve can keep up, that Steve is a super soldier and can most likely outrun Bucky.  
He can do everything better than Bucky now.  
"Buck! Wait! Come on!"  
Steve yells but Bucky keeps moving, finding a sturdy tree he jumps and to his surprise he makes it up to twelve feet with three movements, up the branches. He stops and takes a deep breath as he hears Steve running behind him. He looked down to see Steve had stopped and was looking around.  
"Buck, come on... Just talk to me please. I know you are upset, and have every right to be, but let me explain."  
"Explain what you asshole?" Bucky whispers but Steve tilts his head. He heard Bucky.  
Bucky tries to keep his breath even and slow. He forgot Steve has impeccable hearing now too.  
Steve has a lot that he didn't have before...  
Bucky swallows and he can feel his tears forming in his eyes. It was going so well. They had a night off, everyone was sitting around the campfire and then she had to show up and then she had to tell stories and then she had to tell that story. How brave and courageous Steve jumped on a dummy grenade.  
Bucky doesn't pretend to be a brave man, or courageous, or that he even wants to be here. Everyone knows he is here for Steve.  
He is unsure about a lot of things in his life, but if there is one sure thing in his life, it is Steve. Or supposed to be.  
And Steve...  
He always keeps going into the other direction. Bucky wants him safe, Steve does everything he can to be unsafe.  
"I didn't know it was a dummy, okay. I just reacted."  
Bucky blinks and the first tear falls down his eyes.  
"Why did you lie to me Stevie...?" He whispers and Steve goes quiet. He is listening but wants to pretend he isn't. Bucky closes his eyes and jumps down, he lands on his feet and rolls before standing up. It was already quite dark, the two men stared at each other.  
"What do you mean by that Buck?"  
"I wrote to you every week, telling you how horrible it is here and how I wish I could be with you back home. To see the summer rain, to sit on the balcony with you, while we drink beers, and you would write back. How everything is still the same. But you weren't there. You were out there, first an experiment, then on the road... You didn't tell me, not once."  
Bucky was crying by now and Steve looked so guilty as he stared at Bucky. He took a step closer.  
"Buck..."  
Bucky took a step back, holding his hand out.  
"The only thing that I ever wanted, was for you to be healthy and safe. The only thing that got me through this hell hole was the idea that if I made it by some miracle, I would get back home to you, to my mom, to my family. And the whole time you weren't even there! You were out there, tell me, if you did die, how long before I would have known? Or if I died, sending half my pay check so you could live, how long before you would have been informed?"  
Bucky's voice rose and then fell flat with the last part and somehow that made a bigger impact.  
Wiping his tears away he smiles. But it wasn't kind. It was defeated, it was tired.  
"It's fine, you had your reasons, it's over now. Don't worry about it anymore, I just..." Bucky looks away trying to find the word. They could hear the men laughing in the distance. He looks back to Steve.  
"This war changes a man, Steve, as much as I didn’t want that for you, I'm still happy to see you. Forgive my emotional outburst, I had no right. I'm going to bed, tell the others I'm fine. Enjoy your night and please be a gentleman and make sure Agent Carter gets to her quarters."  
Steve reaches out to Bucky to touch him but Bucky shifts away and without looking back he walks away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another take on Bucky finding out about the grenade, and this time is to upset and that silent fury. all he can do is walk away. So he does.


	231. tribulations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame  
> Bucky alone  
> Journal entry

18 aug Tribulations

18 August 2023

_Journal entry_

Can't believe this actually helps, well, it did before, a couple of years ago. 

I lost all those notebooks, and I can't even ask... Nope... Not going there.

Anyway.

The Compound is being rebuilt and until then we are staying at a cabin. I love it here, it's secluded and private. 

I don't really want to go back to live in the city. Sam is here with me. Wanda is coming this weekend, she said it's getting too claustrophobic where she is staying. 

We have the space.

Sam is practicing every day with the shield, I should join him, show him some of the ropes, but I can't.

Not yet.

I'm still...

I'm not entirely in the right place at the moment. I lost another chunk of time and _he left_.

I knew he was going to, but... I wished he stayed.

Fuck, _how bad am I that I wished that!!!_

No wonder he left.

I also know he didn't do a thing to save me, to rescue me. He let me...

He doesn't talk much, about the specifications, Bruce theorizes he went and stayed in another timeline. 

I hope to every god out there, he didn't. He stayed in this one. 

That way at least, only one Bucky was left to suffer, but if he went back... He let two 'Buckies' two of me suffer. I can't...

I don't know how to process that. It messes with my mind. 

God! The trials and tribulations I went through, the torture, the inhumanity... I can't believe...

I think a part of me was happy he went back, that small part was hanging onto some small hope that things would be better, that he would come for me. He didn't.

I can't forgive that betrayal.

I don't know what is in front of me, I just know it's fighting, the one thing I always hated to do, but can't seem to get reclamation from.

Then again, when did I ever get what I wanted?

If they want a fighter, that's what I shall be. If that is my only use, I should be useful until that use runs out.

I should go, Sam is calling me. He made breakfast; we're taking turns.


	232. Rubble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During Civil War

19 Aug Rubble

_'get up.'_

The voice in Bucky's head is trying its best to yell, to sound commanding but Bucky's body isn't listening. His whole body screams back to rest. To take it easy. To just lay still. His pain is unbearable. His arm is just blown off. Right off. The only thing left is wires, burning red hot and metal all folded and ripped with sharp edges.

_'get up.'_

The voice tries again but Bucky can only groan in response. It hurts so much. His body hasn't hurt this much in two years, when he was trapped on that helicarrier, and even then, it wasn't as bad as this. The metal is reinforced in his body and it hurts.

His lungs struggle to keep up, and he can feel his heart is struggling to pump against the sudden heat. It would take for him to recover.

He closes his eyes and tries to take deep and steady breaths while focusing on something else. That something else turns out to be the sounds of Steve and Tony fighting. I

"Get up" this time it wasn't a voice in his mind, it was a loud voice from himself. Steve is in trouble, help Steve.

It's an instinct and a habit that was years in the making. He opens his eyes and tries to move..

It hurts

God dammit, it hurts. So bad.

The sound is becoming louder and he can turn to see around him. All around him is rubble from the fight, from everything that had happened in this place, old and new.

He can hear Steve's yell and looks the other way. The fight is very close next to him, in fact Steve just fell next to him on his knees.

_'Get up!'_

He wants to, he wants to, but his body...

He blinks and Steve is gone, he is farther away and Tony is next to him.

"I can do this all day."

Nooo

Steve no.. _Not for me!_

He sees Tony's rising his hand and Bucky mustered all his strength and the only thing he could do was to slightly pull on Tony's leg.

But it was enough. He felt the sudden pain as the heavy metal boot made contact with his face. He could feel his nose breaking, his cheek bone fractured and he lost consciousness.

The last thought running through his mind was that he was able to give Steve a fighting chance.


	233. Top of mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before Civil War

20\. Aug Top of mind

Bucky walks into the apartment, it's scarcely decorated with the bare minimum. He needs to get some furniture. 

It can wait. 

He walks around the room, looking at its strengths and weaknesses. 

He has a mattress and some kitchenware. It's small but perfect for him. He walks to the door leading to the balcony and looks out. Several buildings surrounded this building and he did a quick calculation and bids. 

He can jump that. If need be, he can be down in less than twenty seconds, ten if he is in a rush. The highway is not far, and he will be able to get lost in the streets. He will need to work out a perfect route and practice it, during the evenings. 

People will notice someone jumps out of apartments and from rooftop to rooftop during broad daylight. Next is the kitchen.

He has two backpacks with him, one quite big, the other small, comfortable and easy to grab and go on the run with. 

He unzips the big one and takes out a dishcloth wrapped around some utensils. 

He found it today, a green spatula and a red mitten and some cutlery. He looks at his spatula and smiles. 

He packs away his things and looks around. Yes, this can work. 

He walks to the stove and hangs the flower pattern neatly. 

_"See Ma, I did learn."_ He whispers in the air, before trying to swallow the lump forming.

First things first, he can remember her later. When it is safe. 

He looks back to the room. Top of mind is security and safety. 

The windows need curtains that he has in his backpack. Outside is a mattress he bought from some pawn shop. That should go under the first window, it can be used to cover the windows if needed. There is nothing in its way. The one at the stove is different. 

The back door is fine. It has some newspaper and things stuck to it; he will cover it with something later. 

He looks at his smaller backpack. This is the most important one. 

This one contains all his notebooks and remnants of his memory. He looks down and sees one of the floorboards is loose. Crouching down he removes one of the nails and lifts it up. It fits perfectly. 

Once that is done, he sighs. It's not perfect but it is safe, and it is home, the closest he has to one. 


	234. you called, master

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kid bucky

21 Aug You called, master?

Bucky can count on one hand the moments he knew shit is about to go down.

In fact, he can use both hands and that's when he has to step in and make sure Steve doesn't get beaten to a pulp.

The day started like every other day. Bucky would wake up, go to Steve and then walk together to school. In that time, they would make plans and build fantasies and do all the things kids would do. In between Bucky would try to tell Steve to please try not to get involved in any fights. No matter how small.

Somehow Steve never listens, which is strange since he hears everything else. He heard when Bucky said he wants to be a boxing champion one day, he also heard when Bucky invited Steve and his mom for dinner, but he didn't hear _that._

Strange.

Which is how it happens that once again, during lunch Bucky has to step in between Steve and another boy, bigger than Steve. Steve is already laying on the floor, blood dripping from his nose.

"Out of the way Barnes, the little shit is mine."

"Ah Timmy, that's no way to talk about your mama..." Bucky taunted.

Timmy growled and raised his fist.

"Listen here, all he has to do is give up and be my servant for a day."

"Excuse me?"

"Was going to ask Jimmy but then this weasel had to interfere, so now he can take the part."

"As your servant?"

"Yeah, not so difficult, all he has to do is say ‘ _You called Master_ ,’ when I call him, give me his food and do whatever I say."

"Sounds rotten, he is too smart to follow a dumb slug like you." Bucky responded and knows; he was about to get punched in the face.

_ 'Oh Stevie... You better listen one of these days when I ask to stay out of trouble’ _ Bucky thinks and before Timmy could throw the first punch, Bucky offered his fist in return. 


	235. aromatic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

22 aug Aromatic

Bucky and Steve walk through the market, both with sunglasses and looking happy and relaxed. Sam is a few feet behind them, buying some things for his family to take home with.

Natasha took off and said she will find them when they have lunch. The men shrugged and watched her walk away. That was an hour ago.

Bucky and Steve already have a few bags filled with food and snacks and everything they fancied and wanted.

"Buck, look, a bookstore. Shall we go in?"

Bucky looked in the direction Steve pointed and smiled.

"Yeah, sounds great. I have a list of books I need to read; do you still have your list of catch up?"

Steve nods and takes out a small black notebook and page through the pages until he finds the one with the books.

"Here, there's about fifteen now, a few is rare and not yet available as an e-book, so I shall start with them."

Bucky glances at the page and feels his heart swells as he sees Steve's handwriting. He thought he would never see it again.

"Those that scratch out are one you already read right?"

"Yeah, I mark it off as I go along."

"The joys of the new world, right?"

"Yeah, do you also... How can I put it..." Steve tries but falters trying to think? Bucky frowns.

"Do I what?"

"Do you also get the feeling that no matter how life changed, and time changed, some things never changed at all... I mean tech and books and movies. And..."

"Yeah, I Do. Everything is different, yet everything is the same. The environment is different, the technology is better, things are more easily obtainable, yet in the core of people are the same, people and emotions and trying to get by. That hasn't changed." Steve smiles and visibly relaxed.

"So far you're the only one who got that... That gets what I'm trying to say."

Bucky looks down at that and smiles. He looks back at Steve.

"It's because I feel it too Steve."

They share a look, and both feel a little less alone.

"Hey, are you guys done, can we go have lunch, there's this place we passed, the aromatic smell... Guys... We need to try it." Sam asked walking up to them, they turned to him.

"Almost, we're just going in here first, if you want you can text Natasha so that she can meet us there in maybe 30 minutes?"

Steve answers and opens the door for Bucky to go in first.

"Yeah, thanks..." Sam replies, taking out his phone and enters after Bucky into the store. Steve smiles. It's a good day for the family. Although small. It's his. 


	236. Adoption

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame
> 
> no steve

23 Aug Adoption

The streets are relatively quiet, the traffic hasn't picked up yet now that everyone is back. The world is still trying to find its balance. Bucky can relate to that.

They are in the city the day full with meetings about the new Avengers, about rebuilding the compound and getting a new team up and running. Right now, they have all taken an hour lunch break, just to get some food and drinks and a break from the constant talking and planning. Sam, Maria and Sharon are at the cafeteria, Bucky decides to take his sandwich and go for a walk. He misses the fresh air and views of Wakanda. The city took and the world took a huge hit and can be clearly seen in the way the buildings and infrastructure decay and withered away without someone keeping it maintained.

The sound of barking grabs his attention and he walks down an alleyway to find a small animal shelter. There was a small number of dogs and cats. They looked well fed and nourished, although they were without a home.

A small cat grabs his attention. It was a multi-coloured cat in shades of brown and black, perfectly blending in with the scene around her, or him.

He walked the cat and crouched down.

"Hey little one, what's your name?"

He only got a long miaaw in return, but the cat was curious enough to lean in closer and smell the hand that was reaching out.

"Oh, are you always so friendly."

"No, she's not. She usually shies away from people, you must be special." Bucky looks up to see an old lady with cat food.

He blushes.

"I don't think so. Maybe just caught her on a good day."

"Hmf.. First good day in four years though."

"What's her name?"

"Shade, because she blends perfectly into the shade, you should see her in the yard, blends perfectly with nearly everything, gives me a fright more than once."

"She's beautiful."

"She's up for adoption you know. She clearly likes you. The first person I've ever seen she allows close to. Look here." The lady steps closer and she retreats back into the corner while everyone else gets closer, they know her, they can smell the food.

She fills her bowl and stands up.

"I don't know..."

"What have you got to lose, we all need someone, and pets are sometimes better than humans, they will never abandon you..." Bucky can see the bitter streak in her eyes, the hard lines in her face.

"These animals weren't a result of the snap where they were abandoned by their owners."

"Every single one of them. _"I got it for my kid, but she's gone...." "Oh times are tough, what am I supposed to do with an animal_?"

She shakes her head and Bucky understands exactly what she means. He knows all about people leaving...

"I'll take her." He blurts out and crouches down.

"Shade, want to go home with me? I'm Bucky?" Shade looks at his open hand and then walks right to him, rubbing against his hand purring loudly. Bucky knows he will make an excuse to miss the rest of the meetings, one is with Old Steve anyway and he doesn't really want to be there anyhow. He will make an excuse and go buy the necessary things for Shade before they will go back home to the cabin. He will take a taxi, or walk... 

He smiles.

"Yeah, let's go home. Shade."


	237. genetically modified

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During Civil War  
> a little piece about Bucky and Steve in the Quinjet

24 Aug Genetically modified

The quinjet will take a few hours to get to that place. That place that ripped me apart and apart till there were only glass shards left. Then they put that together while cutting and slicing in my mind.

I can't tell Steve about that, I can't let him know how much it takes to keep my head together and go back.

He wants to help, to stop Zemo and I do too. He needs to be stopped. If those soldiers get out, it will be a nightmare. It will be so bad.

So with him I go. I will always follow him, if I can.

"We'll be there in an hour and thirty minutes."

"Oh. Okay. Good."

Huh. So much for hours, the Quinjet must be something then. I'm not so updated on planes.

"How are you holding up?"

I want to say I'm okay, I also want to tell him how scared I am to go back, to see that chair. Here's the man, who broke me out of the chains, who broke Hydra's hold on me, with a few words. He saved me.

"They were strong, you know, like you, stronger than me. I once fought them; I nearly died a couple of times. They may be genetically modified, but they were rebellious to start with, that's why they were chosen, they didn't mind getting their hands dirty."

"We'll do whatever we can to stop them."

I can only nod. I can see him stepping closer until he is standing next to me before he crouches down.

"How are you Buck?"

How am I? I don't know. I'm heartbroken, I'm scared, I'm tired. I'm so many things.

I look into his eyes.

"I'm sorry you didn't find me sooner, I had... I've been trying to remember, to..."

"You don't need to explain Buck. I'm still here for you."

I can feel my vision blurring, I swallow it away.

"Thanks Steve." What more can I say? 


	238. Zoe and Zachary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame  
> no steve

25 Aug Zoe and Zachary 

Bucky and Wanda are walking through the path on the grounds where the compound is being rebuilt. It's been a few weeks since they all came back and have been trying to find their place in this new world and dynamic of things.

Bucky, although no stranger to losing time, did feel it stronger and heavier than the others. The other times he didn't have Steve in his life, this time he did, and this time... Steve is the one who left.

Since that day Bucky hasn't really seen Steve, and that may be due to the fact that he actively tries to miss him. So, he is doing all he can at the compound, helping out. He isn't really on good friend terms with the others, they still know who and what he was. The only small portion of people who really know him, left, or is in Wakanda. Sam is trying his best being the captain now, but he tries to be there for Bucky, as much as possible.

Because of this, Wanda and Bucky found some connection, both feeling left out, both trying to find their foothold in this world.

Today is one of those days.

They just need to be out of the compound, so they went for a walk.

Wanda has opened about her past towards Bucky, telling him about how life was for her and her brother before.

"Did I tell you about the time Pietro and me, tried to pretend we were American refugees to get a place in the orphanage?"

Bucky shakes his head.

"No, did it work?"

She laughs softly.

"No, we couldn't get the accents right, caught us flat out, we chose names we found in a magazine, Zoey and Zachary Smith. Boy, we were so ignorant back then."

"Not ignorant, maybe just a little desperate for a better life."

"A lot actually." Wanda replies with a sad smile.

Bucky feels so much more this girl, she had a hard life, from an early age, just like many kids he knew back then. The world was always against them, him and Steve included.

"I'm sorry Wanda, I wish life wasn't like that for you and your brother."

"Thank you. I just really miss him today."


	239. cucumber

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> No steve

26 Aug cucumber

Bucky follows Sam into the house, both hot and sweaty.

"That was some good training." Sam throws over his shoulder making his way to the kitchen, opening the fridge and takes two bottles of water.

"Yeah, this is the first time you didn't hit yourself with the shield right, that's progress right?"

Bucky replies with a smug look as he catches the bottle of water. 

"Asshole."

Bucky just chuckles at that as they drink their water.

"So, shower and some dinner, cold beers?" Sam asks.

"Yeah, sounds great, what's for dinner tonight, what do you feel like?"

Bucky wants to know as they put their empty water bottles in the recycling bin.

They open the fridge and stand in front of it.

"I feel like a salad and a jacket potato..." Bucky offers.

Sam nods.

"Yeah, sounds great, with a steak?"

"Perfect."

Sam takes the ingredients for the salad out and Bucky takes the rest.

"Well put the steak in some water to defrost, and we can put the potatoes in the microwave while we shower so that is done, we can bake them while we do the steak and make a salad."

"Great."

Both make their way to their respective rooms to take a shower.

By the time Bucky was done Sam just got started on the salad and a small bowl with something chunky was next to their plates.

"What's this?" Bucky asked as he started to help prepare dinner. 

"Cucumber dip, I think it will go well with the potatoes and steak."

"It looks good."

"One way to find out right?" Sam answers back.

"Yeah, I'm starving."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw this amazing Cucumber dip, it looked so creamy and tasty... haven't made it yet...


	240. Ingrown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 Era

27 aug Ingrown

Ten more minutes. Ten more minutes. Ten minutes and they are back at the temporary camp.

Half the men were walking with a slight limp, they weren't ambushed or fighting. They have been walking nonstop, or nearly nonstop for three days now, and the boots left their mark. Several men are complaining about blisters, Bucky himself can feel two on his feet, the other half have most surely ingrown nails. It is an unfortunate reality of war and infantry soldiers. All that walking, there is chafing and blisters and ingrown nails. Try to walk three days with tight boots and thick wool socks.

"Am I the only one counting the steps?" Bucky looks to the side to see Jefferson, one of the new ones looking around with a tightness around his mouth every time he steps on his right foot.

Bucky shakes his head.

"I'm counting minutes. We're on seven now..." He offers and a few other men groaned out loud.

"I don't remember seven minutes feeling like seven weeks." One of the others replied.

Dumdum chuckled softly.

"Yeah, and if it has to feel so long, I much rather spend it somewhere else..."

"Or with someone else than these stinking, filthy men."

Thomas offers as he looks around.

"I hope you're counting yourself in that mate!"

Jefferson quips back.

Thomas stops and turns to him.

"Where the hell did you think I got the idea from?"

The surrounding men burst out laughing and Bucky can only shake his head. It's not home, it's not safe, but it is not the worst either. He looks at his watch. Four minutes.

Maybe the company a man is with, does play a role in the passing of time.

With a slight limp he straightened his back and continued walking on.

There minutes to sweet rest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I googled ingrown, turns out, a lot of soldiers during the war, even today have problems with ingrown nails, blisters and chafing... Which makes sense. I walk in the mall, and get problems, especially with sandals that goes between the toes... I can only imagine tight boots nearly 24/7


	241. thoroughbred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before The First Avenger

28 Aug Thoroughbred

Bucky sighs loudly and Steve peeks at him from underneath his air at him.

"Something on your mind Buck?"

Bucky sighs again.

"I don't get it."

"Get what?"

"How people can spend so much money on gambling, you got to know your chances are slim, and if you're so desperate to give money away, give it to an orphanage or something."

Steve smiles and shakes his head as he continues to draw in his sketchbook. Bucky was sitting opposite him, at the kitchen table, the newspaper in front of him.

"Did someone win the jackpot?"

"No, but they lost a couple of dollars. Apparently, the blue eye Thoroughbred everyone has their eyes on, just didn't rise up to the occasion."

Bucky turns the page and continues reading.

Steve looks at Bucky, he is tired, got back about an hour ago from work, he hasn't cleaned up yet, they are waiting for the water to warm up. On the table are two empty plates, they hate some stew and bread for dinner. Not the best, but at least they won't go to bed hungry and with empty stomachs.

"It would be nice though, hey Buck, winning all that money?"

Bucky smiles and his eyes sparkle.

"Oh Stevie, if we win it, I'm taking you on that road trip we always dreamed about, we'll go to the grand canyon and stand on top and yell and we will throw our hands in the air and let the wind blow by us, and we'll pretend we can fly!"

Steve laughed as Bucky did that, throwing his hands out, but in their dim lit kitchen, there was no wind.

"Sounds good."

"Good...just wait and see Stevie... One day... We'll go... Promise."

"Buck..."

"No no no... No negativity..."

"Okay Bucky. One day we'll go."

That's the spirit.


	242. Under pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame

29 aug Under pressure

The phone pings again. Bucky looks down at it.

It's from Steve.

Still, again, either way, Bucky isn't sure how to answer the question.

_"Are you still there?"_

Bucky scrolls to the question on top of that one, the one Steve sent first, the one he doesn't know how to answer.

_"Why won't you see me?"_

Ever since Steve came back as an old man, they haven't seen each other again. Bucky hardly talked to him while he was sitting on the bench, they walked back to the cabin and that was it. Bucky made his excuses, and left Steve to stay with Sam "catching up". Probably on Steve's life, Sam didn't have much to tell for those five seconds.

Since that day, Bucky made no attempt to see Steve, and Steve did, he wanted to. Bucky didn't care.

They have been chatting though, Bucky doesn't want to, but he does it. He answers in short syllables, only saying what he needs to. He never starts the conversations either, it's always Steve. _Good morning and how are you.... Hey. Fine.._

Steve is slowly trying to push for them to meet. In the beginning it was just, hey, we should try to meet and catch up... Now, it's. Can we meet? How about next week...

Bucky is starting to feel under pressure and knows he needs to do something about it. He just isn't sure what. 

It's not like he can be completely honest with Steve. That ship has come and sailed and sank. 

Ping 

_"Buck... Why are you avoiding me?"_

Bucky sits down. 

Now is just as good as any. The quicker the better.

He starts to type. 

_"Ask me what my biggest regret is."_

_"What?"_

Bucky didn't reply, Steve is smart enough. 

It took five minutes. 

_"What's your biggest regret?"_

_"Staying and following the one person who I trusted more than life itself. Who I thought would never leave or hurt me. To give him every part of my heart and soul. To stay and not take my papers and go home because in the end, it didn't mean a thing."_


	243. Working

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

30 aug Working

The first day as an official soldier In Europe is nothing that Bucky would ever have imagined. He wasn't sure what he imagined. He was trained and taught. He knows the drill; he knows the routine. But being trained is nothing compared to actually being in a war zone, seeing people that were affected, seeing people being shipped home, just as you arrived. Half the ones that are being shipped home is in a wooden box.

Yesterday when he entered the tent and walked over to the cot he will be using one of the other soldiers told him with a sneer.

"This was Miller's bed, he went home in three pieces, don't get too comfortable with a pretty face."

Bucky just swallowed and tried to be as silent as possible as he unpacks.

He is no Steve, he knows when to let something go, also not too take it personally.

It is what it is.

Plus, it's not the first time he is being insulted by his looks. As if his looks play a part in how well he can shoot. If it did... Maybe that explains why he is already a Sergeant and one of the 'best shots' they have ever seen.

He would sacrifice his looks and his 'skills' if it means he can go home.

Instead.

The first day is spending on base, reinforcing the protection around the camp. They need to clean up the ditches and refill the sandbags.

So much fun.

Bucky wipes the sweat from his brow and takes another sip of the water. Their ten-minute break is almost over.

He looks towards the other men, all tired and dirty and already longing for home.

The lieutenant walks over.

"Alright boys, break is over, let's get back to work!"

"Yes sir."

They all replied and started to work.

Bucky wonders what Steve is doing, maybe he is also working, he did say he may get a few commissions. At least that is much better than being stuck in a war, he may never be able to leave.


	244. incarcerated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> No steve

31 aug Incarcerated

_(Author’s note Going for a complete and utter random one…)_

Fury called Sam and Bucky two weeks after Steve returned the stones and things have slowed down. The instant fear and confusion of the Snap or Blip or whatever people call it have been reversed. They were staying at a cabin, trying to get their life and everything else in order when Fury called. 

"We need to talk. It's important." That's how he opened the call. Bucky and Sam shared a look and made the trip the next day. 

Originally they thought it was about Steve, about the decision he made to stay behind. 

Turns out, it was something they never expected. 

The atmosphere is somber, the tension slowly rising. 

"Did no one check to make sure he is still incarcerated?" 

"They did a head count once a month to see that everyone that stayed behind was still there. A lot of prisoners were taken, disappeared...however you want to call the shit show... When we all returned and the fight continued... Somewhere, something went wrong. Inside sources say he has been planning it for years, that in the event of the snap being reversed, his plan will be executed." Fury answers. Bucky clenched his fists. 

Sam sighs loudly.

"And we all know how good he is with plans, don't we?" 

Yes, they all know exactly how good Zemo is with plans and tactics. 

"Okay, I'll go after him, I think we can safely say, I'm the best qualified in dealing with him." 

Sam and Fury turned to Bucky. 

"Barnes."

He held up his hand.

"We all know it, I'm not saying I'm going in without a plan, I will have one, we will do this right."

"I'm going with you."

(Okay, this didn't turn out the way I thought it would.... Then I again, I can try again, many prompts to go.... )


	245. Labour Law

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pre war

All the lovely banners were made by kocuria, find her on [Tumblr!](https://kocuria.tumblr.com)  
You can find me as well at [Tumblr!](https://acrushedrosestillwins.tumblr.com/)  


* * *

* * *

1 sept Labour law

The door opens with a creak that makes Bucky cringe. It's late, half the people are already sleeping. Steve would be sleeping, should be, if he's smart...

So maybe...

Bucky hopes he is. It's starting to get cold so he shouldn't take unnecessary risks.

Damn, Bucky feels the exhaustion into his bones.

"You're late, five hours late."

Bucky sighs in the dark, turns out Steve wasn't smart.

"You should be sleeping."

Bucky opted as a reply and turns around to see Steve sitting on the small couch with their thickest blanket wrapped around him

Okay, a little smart.

Steve narrows his eyes.

"What happened?"

He asked and stood up, walking to the small kitchen and opening the small oven pulls out a plate.

"The boss caught Kennedy. He's underage... Got fired." Bucky slumps into the chair and starts to eat.

"It's cold, and not much..."

"It's perfect Stevie, thank you. I'm sorry if you worried about me. We had to work late, to cover his shift."

"Will he be replaced? "

"Dunno... Maybe... But not right away, with the new labor law they will take extra precautions to make sure they don't hire underage kids again. Until then we will cover his shift."

"But it's long hours Buck, when will you rest?"

"It will only be for a few days or weeks, a month tops... Besides Steve, it's overtime, we can use the money to stock up, winter is almost here."

Steve watched as Bucky ate his small cold dinner. He knows the money is a welcome addition, but at what cost? Bucky is already working himself to the bone, he can see how tired he is.

"Stop worrying so much Steve. The smoke is rising from your ears... It will be fine."

"Buck...."

"Steve... It's fine... Really. Relax. Tell me how was your day."

Steve pursed his lips before relenting, sitting down with the blanket he started to tell Bucky all about his day.


	246. neglected to mention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame  
> no steve

2 sept Neglected to mention

_(This is two prompts in one... The title is one, then the second was is "write the saddest story you can think of, in the least amount of words)_

Bucky watch the old man on the bench feeling his heart breaking. His sanity was holding by a thin thread shattered in 5 seconds. The other 2 seconds were the pieces falling to the ground and burying into the soil as his last flame of hope disappears.

He has spent 90% of his life, the part he was in control of, to look after this man. To love him, to put him first. He has spent so much time putting Steve first that now he is the one left behind and without a carer. 

Bucky neglected to mention as he promised himself to look after Steve, to look after himself as well. Now, both heart and mind are orphaned, and the adoption centre is closed.

The man on the bench looked like he lived a happy life, and the reality is, he was unhappy with Bucky back in the old century, and the new one... It was only without him, that he was happy.

Isn't that sad.

Isn't that tragic.

Isn't that...

He will disappear. He will turn around and walk away.

He only has himself now.

He will not survive himself.


	247. who else knows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2

3 sept Who else knows?

Bucky takes a second to look down. He only has one gun in his hand, his rifle somewhere down the cart. Steve is on another cart, they are separated. This is it; this is the moment he will most certainly die. Blown to pieces.

He knew something was wrong the moment he woke up that morning. His gut told him.

He briefly closed his eyes as he remembered the morning. They all were tense but in good spirits as they prepared for the mission. Bucky made sure everything was good to go, that they had the equipment needed.

He remembered Steve using the radio to relay the message to the base, Phillips was there and Agent Carter.

They all wished them luck.

He opens his eyes and loads the gun.

If this is how he dies, that is fine with him, he will make it his last mission, protect Steve in the other cart, and make sure they capture Zola.

He takes a deep breath and lifts his head. The noise dims down as he focuses on what to do.

He wishes for a moment that he could say goodbye to Steve, to see the blue eyes one more time, to see him smile, and to think what if... He spent so much time wondering what if, that he didn't even consider Steve might fall in love with someone else. It was bound to happen; he never stood a chance.

The only person who had an idea was his mom, but she never asked. Who else knows? He had a suspicion that Dumdum might have an idea but he will never know.

It doesn't matter anyhow.

The noise disappears and all he thinks is to fight back. Fight to the bitter end and make sure Steve makes it home. That Steve gets a chance.

It was always going to come to this, he either lives for Steve or dies for him. 

This is his final choice, his final wish. Fight back.

(This is based on a post that said that moment on the train was the final decision he made as Bucky Barnes before becoming the winter soldier.)


	248. Flight 826

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before Civil War

4 sep Flight 826

The screen showed a satellite photo with a small dot slowly moving from one end of the screen to the other.

The dot is about halfway over the ocean.

Bucky looks around the apartment, it was top of the line. The latest technology, the latest designs, the latest security systems, the whole shebang. 

Still, no match for Bucky and his skills. After all, he is the best in the world. The ghost story, the whisper on the dark world's lips...

The place belongs to a Hydra official, one of the men that is on top of the ladder. When the window released the information, his name wasn't there. He was a silent partner so to speak. Hardly anyone knew of his part in Hydra. Bucky knew, because Pearce knew. Bucky was treated as an ornament, a piece of furniture. Now...the piece of furniture had listened and remembered.

Now, he is here to.... Well not for tea.

Today this man's involvement will be made public and he will be brought to justice.

At twelve o'clock midday all the newspapers and radio stations will get an email, a cryptic folder with the dealings and involvement of this man. By the time the police will get here, Bucky will be gone and the Hydra man dead.

Bucky looks back at the screen, the dot is closer. He is flying in from the East, flight 826. The small dot is the plane's trip. Bucky is tracking it every step of the way. It will land at 7 in the morning, he will be home at 9 the latest, and Bucky will be here to welcome him home.

Bucky looks out of the window; the soft glow of the morning is just starting to appear. This mission, this venture is personal.

The man and Bucky have a history, and not a good one. Bucky needs to do this.

After this, he will go to a European country. He isn't sure which one, but he it will be his choice.


	249. Boomerang

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Civil War

5 sept Boomerang

Steve wakes up to the sound of nature, a few birds chirping outside, the goats providing the annoying complaints for the day, the water splashing as the kids swim in it, and then also... A song...

Steve turns to his side to see Bucky up and brushing his hair. Steve feels a pang of guilt as Bucky uses only one arm to brush it.

" _you're my boomerang, boomerang...."_ Steve smiles as he listens as Bucky softly sings to the song.

"Are you going to stare at me the whole morning or actually get up?"

Steve shakes his head in exasperation as he removes the blanket and gets up, or at least sitting upright.

"Morning Buck." Steve answers instead of replying with a smile. Bucky mirrors it. 

"Morning Steve."

Steve gets up and walks to the Bucky as he tries to tie his hair with his hand. It looks hard and Steve swallows.

"Can I help you?"

His voice is soft, unsure and Bucky frowns as he turns around to look at Steve directly instead of the mirror.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing.. I just..."

"Steve."

Steve sighs.

"I'm sorry you lost your arm, both times actually... It was my fault."

"No it wasn't."

"Yes..if I..."

"Steve stop." Bucky interrupts placing his hand on Steve's chest. Steve shut his mouth.

"Steve, it is not your fault what happened to me okay. You couldn't have known, and back in Siberia... That was just how things went down. It could have happened differently, he could have hit me directly, in the great scheme of things, looking back, losing the arm was the least of problems. I hated that arm, it was heavy, it was Hydra's. This me... Here and now, is me. It may be a little bit broken and shattered, but it's me. And I have you to thank. For helping me, for saving me, for bringing me here."

"But Buck..."

"No...no buts. It's a beautiful day, we will spend the time being happy and good, no bad stuff, no bad memories, just good ones, making new ones okay. To answer your question, yes, you can help."

Steve stares into Bucky's eyes, finding no lies and only truth and compassion. He takes the hair tie and then he hugs Bucky tight and close. Bucky hugs back just as tight.

"I'm so glad to have you back in my life Buck, it isn't the same without you."

"Me too Stevie... Me too."

They let go, both with shiny tears in their eyes but smiles on their faces.

"So... Full ponytail, or just a half one?"

"Hair bun, a half hair bun.."


	250. Commissioned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

6 sept Commissioned

It's been two days. Bucky has packed a bag and went 'hiking' a positive term to excuse the fact that he went to hide in the jungles of Wakanda. He just needed to get out. The hut was getting claustrophobic.

It happened suddenly, one minute he was fine, the other minute...

Well he was speaking to Steve through Skype.

It went well, great, they shared some jokes, they laughed. They connected.

Steve was staying at some hotel room with Natasha and Sam. They went out to get dinner while Steve talked to him.

Everything changed when they came back. They came in with smiles and laughter, being loud and happy. Bucky didn't mind. He really didn't, but when they walked behind the laptop making jokes and throwing a candy bar at him. Steve blushed and laughed. They didn't know he was on a Skype call.

Until Steve started talking again, showing Bucky his candy bar all smiling and asking Bucky if he had tried it. They apologized and walked out, saying they will set the table.

Bucky saw the absolute joy in Steve's face, he hasn't been looking so carefree in months, certainly not before he crashed in the ice. Every time he visits Bucky, there is a... Edge to him. He relaxes and is happy, but Bucky can see the hard lines, the worry of potentially saying something wrong, something that may make Bucky's healing slow. He keeps searching for something, maybe the old Bucky..

Maybe Bucky is just imagining it all. Maybe he is seeing things that aren't there.

He knows Steve knows pretty much everything that had happened to him. What they did. It's only natural that he will be cautious with Bucky. He saw what he was made to do, commissioned and forced, told and ordered. He had no say in it.

Bucky couldn't face it anymore, seeing the difference between Steve with _him,_ and Steve with _them_. He made some excuse about having a meeting with Shuri and cut the conversation short. Thirty minutes later he was gone into the jungle. The silence of the place was wonderful for his mindset. The calmness of nature, the only life the animals have.

He took his phone with and could see several missed calls from Steve and a few unread messages. He knows Steve was worried, he could see it in how Steve was suddenly off kilter as Bucky said his goodbyes.

How can he tell Steve he fears losing him, of his own insecurities? How can he tell Steve the truth? How can he tell Steve the only reason he hasn't killed himself yet, was because of Steve?

A noise startled him, and he looked to his right. A few birds got spooked from their nests. Someone is walking towards him. Probably a warrior, or maybe one of the villagers.

"Buck?"

Bucky's eyes widened. The stubborn piece of...

"Hi Buck..." Bucky looks up from where he was sitting to Steve standing a few feet away.

"Hi Steve."

"Can I..." Steve asks, trying to point to the log next to the one Bucky is sitting on.

"Of course."

Steve smiles and walks closer, sitting as close as he can to Bucky.

"Buck... We need to talk, really talk. Can we do that?"

Typical, strategist and overall stubborn punk. Guess now or never.

"Yeah Steve... I think we should.”


	251. Unstable, unpredictable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

7 sept Unstable, unpredictable

Bucky looks at the sky with trepidation and nervousness that is hard to miss. The plane will land in ten minutes. It's the first time he sees Steve after that day he went back into cryo. A few months has passed since then and they have been talking on Skype, but this.... This the first time they'll see each other. Without being chased or someone trying to capture them or kill them. It's just....  
Two old friends meeting each other after a long absence. Two friends who are trying to get to know each other all over again.  
Bucky shifts from one foot to the other. Occasionally looking down to his stump before swallowing and biting his lip.  
Shuri watches him before she walks over.  
"It's going to be fine; you do not have to worry so much."  
Her voice is soft and reassuring.  
Bucky glanced at her.  
"What if he doesn't... What if..."  
"Stop. Don't think like that. He is very keen and very excited to see you."  
"On Skype, what if he had to say that? He is with Natasha and Sam, what if they think I'm too unpredictable, unstable and he believes them!"  
"Bucky! You know Steve all your life right?"  
Bucky nods.  
Shuri takes a step closer.  
"Tell me, has he ever shown you insincerity while talking to you, or wanting to visit you? Because I saw a Labrador almost jumping around with excitement."  
A burst of laughter escapes from Bucky and Shuri looks smug.  
"Shuri..."  
"Calm down. I'll be here with you, and if anyone says anything, I'll deport them before they even have a chance to relieve their bladders."  
Bucky burst out laughing again, this time more jubilant and it is exactly what he needed.  
Before he could say anything the plane appeared on the horizon. They watched as it slowly came down and landed.  
Bucky could feel the nerve-racking wracking nerves again.  
The plane hardly stopped fully before the door opened and a six foot man jumped out running before he slowed down until he was standing a few feet away.  
"Happy labrador." Shuri murmured so only Bucky could hear, but he didn't mind. Shuri is right. He looks so happy to see Bucky, his eyes so bright. Bucky could feel the tears forming in his eyes. He walks closer to Steve.  
"Hi Stevie."  
Steve let out a breath and his eyes were suddenly red rimmed. He walks the rest of the way, opening his arms and Bucky holds out his.  
They half fell, collided against each other, holding each other so tight. Shuri had to look away, and saw Natasha and Sam a few feet away, looking at them before looking at each other and smiled.


	252. Scales of a dragon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid fic

8 sept Scales of a dragon

Bucky and Steve glance at each other before glancing at the little girl a few feet away, sticking small triangles on a big box. 

"How many of these triangles do you want?" Bucky asks with a sigh as he hands her another triangle. Bucky is cutting green ones and Steve is cutting red ones.

"Thousands Bucky." The girl answers before sticking a red one next to the green one.

"My hands are getting sore." Steve replies but he doesn't stop cutting.

Bucky starts cutting a new one as he looks at Steve.

"Maybe you shouldn't have drawn them so small."

"She wanted it smaller, I had to bargain for this size."

"Smaller would have been better, but you two complain so much. You should be glad this size scale is working.

Bucky furrows his eyebrows and gives her a stinking look, Steve shakes his head as he continues to cut.

"What did you use to bargain Steve?"

"A matching face for her costume."

"What's wrong with the face she got?"

Steve starts snickering and Rebecca picks up one of the toys next to her and throws it at her brother. He just ducks out of the way laughing.

"That's not funny Bucky! I'm telling mom!"

"No come on, it's just a joke."

"Hey, I think we're done, Becca, stick these last ones." Steve interrupted before they could fight some more.

Becca still staring at her brother takes the last triangle Steve is holding out to her and sticks it on her paper. They watch as she lifts the big carton box. Her face turns to utter delight and glee.

"It's perfect! Look Steve, look Bucky. It's a big dangerous dragon!"

Steve and Bucky smile as they watch her. She wanted a dragon for an art project at school and asked them to help. Steve with his art agreed and Bucky had to as Becca reminded him, he is her older brother.

The small triangles do indeed look like the scales of a dragon.

"It looks very good Becca." Steve answers. Happy and proud with his skills. Bucky had to agree.

"It looks pretty fantastic Becca."


	253. Bronco

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> before Civil WAr

9 Sept Bronco

The sun was dipping lower and lower on the horizon as Bucky drove down the long road. Around him is nothing, empty for miles. The nearest town isn't for another double digit miles.

The radio is one, and it is playing one of the 'Goldie oldies' through one speaker. Bucky has never heard of it, so for him, it is a new song, not an old one.

His backpack is next to him on the seat, the drink holder is holding a full bottle of water, as well as a half empty bottle of soda. Next to him, are a few packets of cookies and some snacks.

He picks up another cookie and smiles as he takes a bite.

It's been a couple of months, he is still on the run, Hydra is gone, but their base is still there. A good place to hide, a good place to fill up on food and cash. He is slowly making his way to the coast where he will hitch a ride to Europe.

By the time he rolls into town, most of the shops are already closed for the day. He doesn't mind, he prefers it like that. Stopping at the garage to fill up, he pulled on his hat and walked into the store to grab a few things. 

As he walks out he can see the man who filled the truck admiring the car. 

"It's a good set of wheels you got here. They don't make like this anymore"

"Thank you. She is very reliable." Bucky and trying to sound calm. He hasn't spoken much in a few days now. 

"My first car used to be a Bronco, I had to get rid of it when the family got bigger." The man smiles as he talks, Bucky smiles back. 

"You take care now Son."

"Thank you." The man looks at the truck one more time before he starts to walk off. 

"Uhm.. Sorry.. Do you perhaps know of the nearest motel?" 

"Straight down this road, first interjection, turn left. About two hundred yards on your right."

"Thank you."

Clinging back in the truck Bucky drives to the motel. He will stay the night and then continue tomorrow. 

He needs a new car though. He already had this one for too long. But she is reliable. 

He will go to a second hand dealership in the morning, get something new. He has the cash. 

The next morning when the old man got to the garage there was a truck with a note. 

_"Enjoy the Bronco. She got me far. :)"_

He looked around, but there was no one. 

Bucky is already halfway to the next town in an old Chevy.


	254. misprint

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before Civil War

10 sept Misprint

Bucky reads the latest report for Steve's mission. He and Natasha just finished an extraction of some Intel off the coast of Chile. Nothing major, but still important. Ever since the fall of Hydra and the end of Shield people are taking risks in the underworld. The Avengers are still trying to do the right thing. Maria Hill works for Stark industries and last time he checked, Fury was in Latvia. Sharon is with the CIA and quickly building up a name for herself.

He remembers when he read about her, how she went undercover as a nurse living next door to Steve before he ruined that.

He thought it was a misprint, that it was a coincidence that she was also named Carter but it took him less than five minutes to dig out the truth.

The Carter legacy apparently runs deep.

Bucky knows he should probably stop digging into Steve's whereabouts but he can't help it. Everything in him is telling him to make contact, to speak to him, but he can't. How can he face Steve after everything he has done? After everything that had happened.

When the initial shock wore off of Bucky and his identity and THAT Steve, his Steve is still alive and young, the questions started.

How is Steve still young and alive?

What happened to him?

That was to begin with then he went to the Smithsonian and found out he crashed in the ice.

He was frozen in a crashed plane for decades.

Bucky was hurt, he was angry, he had just about the same amount of confusion and questions about Steve that he had about himself.

Maybe one day when he can face Steve he will ask him, they can talk about it, until then...

Bucky reads the reports. Steve did a crazy and reckless thing.... Again.

"Such a punk." Bucky whispers into the air.


	255. Ok, I'm coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

11 sept Ok, I’m coming

Bucky holds up a huge plate with a variety of food. Steve is sitting on the other side of the screen, leaning closer.

"A bit closer Buck..."

Bucky holds the plate closer, tilting it a little bit so Steve can see.

"Hmmm.."

"Oh don't pretend you're some culinary judge." Bucky joked and put the plate down.

"No... I'm just making sure that is indeed homemade and not bought. I mean... When you said you're starting to cook and bake..."

"I make good food. You never complained back in Brooklyn!" Bucky defended with a smile.

"Yeah. Buck, but I was too hungry to notice back then. Too happy to have food." Steve jokes back a huge smile.

"Ass..." Bucky replied and noticed that Steve's smile slightly faltered. Steve was waiting for another word, another description. Bucky knows he used to call Steve 'punk' but somehow he isn't really ready for it. He feels, as if he hasn't deserved that yet, too much has happened. Maybe he will one day.

"Is it good?" Steve asks, his eyes still glancing at the plate. Bucky shakes his head. They have come a long way by rebuilding their relationship. They Skype nearly every day now, where before it used to be once a week.

"Why don't you come and taste for yourself?" Bucky asked instead of answering. Steve's eyes lit up.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah? Why not. It would be nice to see you again, I'd you want to of course..." Bucky's voice trailed off. Steve leans closer again, till just his face is on the screen.

"Buck... Do you mean it? I can come? I'd love to see you if you are ready?"

Bucky stares into those blue eyes.

He nods.

"Yes please."

"Ok. I'm coming. I'll make arrangements, see how quick I can come."

"Really?"

"Really... You better feed me...just like always." Steve added, his voice soft. Bucky could feel that burn inside him.

"Always Stevie." he replies softly.


	256. dinner is served

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre WW2

12 sept Dinner is served

The table is set, Steve is sitting opposite Bucky, with Winifred and George at the ends and Becca next to Steve and the other two next to Bucky.

The atmosphere is light, Becca and Steve are discussing some art they've seen in the newspaper. Becca is trying to bribe Steve into drawing it for her room. He is trying to say no, but Bucky knows... He will. And then he'll give it to her for Christmas or her Birthday that's next week. Hsi other two sisters are talking about some new cartoon in the news.

His mom is making sure there is enough food and his dad is eating while looking at all of them.

It's absolutely perfect.

Bucky is trying to think why he never thought of it like that before. Then again, he was never drafted before. He took this for granted, sitting around the table having dinner. His mom puts the food on the table, his dad saying grace before dinner is served. It was so normal, tonight it's perfect. Tonight is also the first night since he got that letter. That letter that will take all of this away and he might never get it back.

"Something wrong with the food, Bucky?" His mom asks, jostling him from his thoughts.

"No sorry Ma, I was just thinking about work."

"Is everything all right?"

"Oh yes, it's just a new shipment coming in tomorrow, but busier than normal."

"Then you should eat more, you and Steve should take the leftovers as well, you'll need your strength."

"Thanks Ma."

Bucky smiles and continues eating and as he looks up at Steve he knows it was a mistake, Steve saw right through the lie. He knows something is up, he also knows that Bucky lied and is hiding something. He gives Bucky a look that clearly says 'wait till we get home.' Bucky is dreading it already. He has no idea how he can tell Steve that he was drafted.

He doesn't want to go. He doesn't want to go fight. He wants to stay here with Steve and his family.


	257. Little

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

13 sept Little

(remember when I said I'm not done with Zemo in chapter 244 31 aug. This is me trying to get to my original idea.)

(also I'm taking liberty with that one gif set...) 

Bucky watches as Zemo looks momentarily scared as Bucky points the gun before it turns to confusion as Bucky lifts his other hand and the bullets fall out, one by one.

"You're not worth it." Bucky utters before lowering the weapon.

Zemo gives him a cold and ugly smile.

"Neither were you, as I have it."

"Excuse me?"

"Weren't worth staying. Left you to be tortured and ripped apart, at least he could dance. I have it you're the one who taught him?"

Bucky's hands start to shake and he puts it in his pockets. 

Zemo starts smiling even more. 

"Hit a nerve?" 

"Does he know the pain he caused with you leaving?" 

Bucky bits down as the anger surges through him. 

"Shut up!" 

Bucky tilts his head as a voice can be heard through the comms in his ear. Zemo looks at Bucky's ear. 

"Is that the new and fresh minted Captain America?" 

Bucky just stares at him. 

"It must be painful for him as well, to see Steve leaving to an era where the black Captain was considered subhuman. No rights, no votes, watching his daddy work his hands raw while Steve lived the high life. Dancing with his sweetheart without you two. Tell me does it hurt to know that the only time Steve was truly happy and living life was when he was without you two?

"That's enough Zemo." Bucky tries to growl out, but it sounded weak. 

"You're right... Tell me do you think he left because he was tired of being dragged down by the two of you? You especially? The monster who wears his best friend's face. 

" Don't listen to him Barnes." Sam tries through the head piece but Bucky isn't listening. His eyes are on Zemo. 

Zemo can see victory. 

"Tell me Soldat, your superhuman but still just a man, who needs oxygen right?" 

"Your name is Bucky! Tell him!" Sam replies rushing to make his way over to where Bucky was. 

"Tell Sam to stop lying to you, I mean, if this conversation is recorded... Oh, that's something, if it is, will you play it for Steve, let him know just how deep his rejection scared you. Tell me what hurts the most, Hydra's torture all these years, or Steve leaving you."

Bucky doesn't answer but Zemo sees it nonetheless. 

"Tsk Tsk... Thought so. Nothing comes close to the pain of losing someone you love right? Maybe I can help us both."

"What?" Bucky asked, genuinely curious. 

"Don't listen to him! I'm almost there, cuff him and meet me halfway!" 

"I want to see my family, and you want to rest, you only fought for him..." Zemo takes a step closer to Bucky. "... And we both know he isn't here to appreciate your loyalty, he never did. You were always the little man compared to him. A monster to the root, and he was light. Light and darkness never stands a change Soldat."

"You're under arrest, going back to prison."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"I'm going to save us both. Tell me.. Did they remove all the trigger words, besides the ten that made you complacent?" 

Bucky visibly pales, his breath caught in his throat. 

"What is he talking about Barnes?"

"Sam... Help..." Bucky whispers but it is broken. 

"He can't... There is one left. That one you don't even know about. Every time they used it, you passed out, forgetting the word. It was designed that way." 

Bucky is shaking with fear. Zemo looks around the bay, the water serene. 

"My daughter loved the ocean and the water. Lakes, pools or ponds didn't matter. She always said it feels like it covers you. Like a wet blanket."

"Don't. Please." Bucky uttered. 

"Barnes, get away from him!" 

"Zemo leans in his space and takes the headpiece out of Bucky's ear and puts it in his. 

" I'm sorry Soldat can't speak right now."

"I'm going to lock you up and throw away the key!, Leave him alone!" 

"Play this for Steve will you, tell him he is out living his 'friend'." Zemo takes the piece out. 

Bucky takes a step back but Zemo follows him. 

"It's going to be okay."

"No!" Bucky replies and tries to subdue Zemo but Zemo anticipated it. 

"Sputnik." The words are clear and Bucky eyes widen before it shuts down and he falls to the ground. Unconscious. 

Zemo picks the fallen gun, and puts a bullet back. He looks at the unconscious form of Bucky. The water is about two feet away. From the distance he can see something in the sky. It's the new Captain. 

Zemo crouched down and pushed Bucky in the water.

“Sleep well Soldat.”

Loading the gun he puts it to his head and stares out the water. 

"I'm coming home."


	258. Momma said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid Bucky

14 sept Momma said

Bucky knocked on the door precisely at 6 in the evening. Sarah opened the door with her small purse in her hands.

"Thank you Bucky. I really appreciate it. You shouldn't have to do this."

"Yes I should ma'am. A man keeps his word, besides Steve's my friend, he'd do it for me."

Sarah smiled and opened the door wider so they could switch sides. Bucky inside, and she outside.

"I'll try to be home before six, there's a pot of coffee on the burner and still a few pieces of bread left. His medic...."

"I know ma'am, it's quite alright, we'll be fine. Don't worry about us."

Bucky reaffirms and Sarah shakes her head.

"Thank you Bucky. Keep the door locked all right?"

"Yes ma'am."

Bucky waited till she was around the corner before he locked the door and pulled the small chair in front of it for extra protection.

Then he made his way to Steve's room. Steve was in bed, sleeping. His face was pale but his cheeks were red. The fever hasn't broken yet.

Making sure the windows were closed he took the small bowl with water and rinsed the cloth before he put it back on Steve's head.

The cool touch pulls Steve from sleep.

"Buck..."

"Heya Stevie... How are you feeling? Need anything, water, bathroom...?"

"I'm okay for now. Thanks. Till what time are you staying?"

"Momma said I can stay till morning, and even tomorrow after school if I want to come back."

"Thanks Buck, you know you don't have to, right?"

"You know I want to, left?" Bucky shoots back. Steve's smile is weak, but his eyes are strong. 

"Jerk..."


	259. Drama Queen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Civil War

15 sept. Drama queen

Both Bucky and Sam watch as Steve is pacing around talking on the phone with Sharon.

The road has been long and filled with sometimes silence, sometimes uncomfortable silence, and awkward silence but so far not comfortable silence.

They have talked a bit, making plans, Sam made plans with a Scott...

Steve made plans with Clint, or Hawkeye as the files said. From what Bucky can remember.

Now, Steve is talking to Sharon for their suits. Sharon is Peggy's niece. Bucky is not entirely sure how he feels about that.

Sam sighs and starts to tap his knees as he looks around. A couple is standing on the pavement in front of the shop across the street. Her hands are waving in the air and her voice could be heard all the way. You can't make out the words, but the sound is there.

"Oh boy, that man is in for it, she's a drama queen."

Bucky has caught up with the future to understand that reference. He looks at the couple. He is looking tired and exasperated, she is looking like she wants to fight, wants to be dramatic in the street where people can see them.

"She's pregnant...kid’s not his." Bucky offers deadpan. Sam stops tapping and turns in his seat.

"How the hell do you know that?"

"I make out the words, he read a message on her phone, and she's trying to pretend it's nothing. Look how she is touching her stomach trying to be subtle... She wants to have a cigarette from how she keeps glancing at his, then sighs loudly. There are quite a few other tells too, but that's the strongest." Bucky answers but he doesn't look at Sam.

Sam looks back at her, and notices the things Bucky mentioned.

"Well, that's a good one Sherlock, I'll give you that."


	260. my kindle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

16 sept My kindle

Bucky is enjoying the small frown of confusion on Steve's face as they walk down the path. 

His bag is over his shoulder as he follows Bucky, looking around at the scenery. 

Bucky can already see that spark in his eyes, that artist gaze that is itching for a pencil or paintbrush. 

Bucky hasn't told Steve yet, but there is a canvas and some paint at his small home. So far every time Steve came to visit, it was at the castle or temporary quarters. This time, Bucky has his own little place. A hut, but it is state of the art and technology. Inside he has a small corner divided by a three panel room divider, with bed and two nightstands. The bathroom is separate next to the 'bedroom' and the rest is his sitting room and kitchen. It's big and open. 

"Buck, you sure you know they way right?"

"Yes, Steve we're almost there."

"" _ There' _ does have some water right?" 

"Yes, it does, I even leveled up, it has coffee and juice too." Bucky answers back and looks at Steve to see the huge smile. He has missed that. 

"Just over this bit..." Bucky pointed ahead. 

Once over, Bucky holds out his hand. 

"And... What do you think?" 

Steve's smile is so wide, his eyes bright. He takes the cap off his head and runs his fingers through his hair. 

"Buck... It's so beautiful, and it looks so homely, so...." 

"safe... Right?" 

"Yeah."

"Come on, let me show the place, it's not much, but.."

"It's perfect Buck."

They rush the last few yards and Bucky opens the door to let go in. 

Inside was much cooler than outside both sighs in the cool relief. 

Steve drops his bags and walks around. 

"This is incredible, Buck, I love it."

"Good, that corner over there is yours, there's a small desk for your laptop, a charger for your phone and kindle.."

"My kindle?" 

"Yeah, there's two sockets, for both our kindles, and there is canvas and paint...."

"You bought me art supplies?" Steve asks and he looks sad but wistful and mushy. Bucky nods. 

"Yeah, I know how you loved it and I bet you haven't drawn in a while..."

"Years."

"Wai...what? Years?" 

Bucky asked in shock. Steve nodded and looked down. 

"Yeah, this new world.... Things... You know... When I woke up...." 

Bucky still needs to go before he is healed, before he can say he slept well, but something in Steve's demeanor just makes him forget about himself. He held out his hand. 

"It's okay Steve, come here."

Like a lost child Steve hugged Bucky. It was tight and warm. 

"Thanks Buck."


	261. Antibiotics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre War

17 sept Antibiotics

The bite could be felt in the wind, the breeze turning more chill every day. Winter is almost here and with that, extra blankets, some heat, if possible, extra jackets and socks... 

"Socks..." Bucky mumbles as he walks down the road, back home. They need to buy extra socks. Steve's, and his, won't last long and with this winter, they will need it. 

With the wind picking up, Bucky is really glad to duck inside their apartment building and makes the way upstairs to their apartment. They were lucky to get it on the second story, the steps can be a bit much some days, depending on Steve's health. Mrs. Brown said if the bottom one opens up, they get first say. 

Steve is already home, standing in the kitchen, cutting bread. 

"Hey Steve! How was your day?" 

"Hey Buck... Good. I got a commission today, a whole 3 part series..."

"That's awesome!" Bucky replies and opens the small cabinet door and put the two bottles inside. 

"What's that?" 

"You're antibiotics, McKinley at the pharmacy said last week I must come by today, there is new stock in. He is running a special on Prontosil. Apparently they added some new ingredients.."

Steve huffs.

"Sure we'll find out soon enough if the new ingredients actually work."

"Hey...don't be like that. Ooh, that looks delicious..."

"Hope so. It's leftovers."

"Fine by me."


	262. Over the counter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre Civil WAr

18 sept Over the counter

It was already after ten, the streets were near empty, and the small corner shop only had the teller at the counter. It was bare.

Bucky did a sweep around him, before he pulled the goodie closer around him and crossed the street and walked into the store. The doorbell pinged as he walked in, and the kid at the counter didn't even look up.

Picking up a basket he makes his way from one aisle to the next, getting the most essential items he needs.

At the counter, the kid still doesn't look up as he rang the items through the scanner. Bucky frowns. Surely, the kid should be aware of his surroundings? Certainly if a stranger walks in and buys so many medications and first aid items over the counter like this?

"96 and 45 cents please."

Bucky hands the crisp 100 note over and feels a desire to shake this kid awake.

"Your change..."

Bucky holds out his hand and the kid gives him the few notes and coins. Bucky closes his fist and without saying anything walks out with his package.

He walks straight to the bathroom and locks himself in, before he opens his jacket to reveal a stab wound.

Bucky looks at the notes and coins.

_ "Look Stevie... Got my overtime for last week, three dollars, let's go to Coney Island...!" _

Bucky shakes his head at the memory. Not now...

He needs to clean up and get rid of the bloody shirt before he needs to move on to the next town.

Touching the wound he hisses in pain.

_ "Sorry Steve, but I need to clean this, why did you have to pick a fight anyway?" _

_ "Had to Buck... She's just an old woman..." _

Most memories that come back are about Buck and Steve, Bucky close his eyes and try to focus on the task at hand. Memories are for later. 


	263. Adolescence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

19 sept Adolescence

The energy...

Bucky can't remember if he or his sisters ever had such energy. Shuri is probably doing ten things at the same time, the scary part is that nearly 8 of them is vital to the security and Healthcare of Wakanda and its residents.

Bucky watch her as she types and at the same time, doing the some weird dance to the other side

"It's a bit of a shock seeing her like this." Bucky turns to see T'Challa standing next to him, looking stoic and observing his sister.

"Yeah, I mean I don't think I was ever like this, or my sister, and Becca was a handful..."

"The adolescence is a period we will never understand, and even more so, my sister."

"Are you two old goats talking about me?" Shuri asked without looking up from the screen.

"No Princess."

"No." Both denied at the same time. Shuri snorts.

"Yeah... Whatever, just remember who is the one with the real power here."

The men share an exasperated sigh.

"Yes Princess."

"Of course."

Good, now leave me alone, go spar or talk about our bad youth somewhere else, I'm close to a breakthrough.... Oh.. Brother, just come back later, I need to test it out. "

T'Challa sighs and looks at Bucky.

"Please, join me for lunch."

"Sure, thank you."

Shuri glances as they walk out together, talking about a war tactic or something, she doesn't care. She is just happy that both are doing well and that Bucky is healing well, getting out of his shell and making friends. 


	264. Fog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2

20 sept Fog

The first spike in adrenaline came when the soldiers grabbed him from the rest and dragged him down the hallways to the labs.

Once there he was tied down and left alone. He wasn't exactly sure how long, it could be a minute, could be a day, he just knows it felt like forever.

The second spike in adrenaline came when the short man with the glasses came into the room with a small suitcase.

"Oh splendid, I just know you're it, sergeant Barnes... I've been watching you for a while now.. Yes... Oh yes... You're perfect. I know you are."

Bucky didn't try to answer, to fight back. He was frozen stiff with fear. His heart is beating rapidly, but his body is in a state of suspension, seeing everything, feeling everything, yet unable to do anything.

"First off, we should start on the right terms don't you think?"

Bucky doesn't answer, his mind and focus on the small bags of liquid and all the stacks of needles being set up in neat rows.

"You're Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes one of the best shots in the war, currently with the 107th, the army have huge hopes and plans for you, but I'll admit, not as much as I do. My hopes and plans for you, are... _Extraordinary_. I'm Dr. Arnim Zola, I specialize in biochemistry... Which is where you come in."

At this point Bucky is running on adrenaline but still his mind is screaming at him, to get out, to fight back, to say or do something or anything, yet his body didn't do a thing.

"Let's get started shall we?"

Bucky can only watch as Zola set up the bags on a metal ring next to the table and then attach it to the needles.

This is the moment his body starts to get feeling back and he starts to shake and tries to get loose, but it is futile, he was bound to tight.

The first needle went in, and Bucky can feel the fog slowly settle in his mind and the last thing on his mind before the pain starts, is he really hopes this is a quick death.


	265. Misanthropy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame
> 
> It's been a while since I had a go at Steve....;)

21 sept Misanthropy

It's the first night since Steve came back from returning the stones, now old and a life lived. 

They went back to the hotel they stayed at, three rooms and a big living room. Steve said he will stay the night but in the morning he would like to go back to his house. The one he shared with her for decades. Bucky is still trying to wrap his head around it all. It was proving to be just a little too much to handle so suddenly. 

He should get away. He should go back to Wakanda. He doesn't really know what he should do. He knows one thing, and that is that he doesn't want to be in Steve's presence anymore. 

For him, it happened in less than a week. Five days and the change... Irreparable. 

He is currently sitting in his room, it's on the third floor so Bucky has no qualms about just jumping out, but before he can do that, he has several questions to ask, and wants to say a few things. 

His back is packed and he is ready to go. Trying to look relaxed he makes his way to the small kitchenette where they were sitting. It looks so different than last night, or even this morning. 

"Hey we ordered some food, should be here in an half an hour or so."

Bucky nods his eyes, still staring at Steve. 

"I know this is quite a look, hey Buck...trust me, it took me by surprise as well. Woke up one morning and what, all Grey and old..."

"Not as surprising as waking up one day, fight a galaxy war the next, disappear for 5 years, come back, fight again, then two days later your best friend left you behind, all in a matter of 5 days..."

The atmosphere was instantly different, suddenly tense. 

"Buck..."

"Guess I wasn't worth it after all... You know, back in the old... You're time... I guess, I knew I would most likely outlive you, it was the one thing that haunted me, then the serum, and like the stupid idiot I am, I dared to hope, to believe that finally I can get rid of my biggest fear, because now... You will grow old with me, maybe outlive me... Still might." He added as an afterthought. Bucky smiles, but it wasn't kind. 

"I have three questions, and I want a short and honest answer. One, did you read the files about what Hydra did to me, before you went looking for me?" 

Sam looked uncomfortable, and his eyes went from one to the other. 

Steve stood up and turned to Bucky with his entire body, looking tired. 

"Buck."

"Answer me!" 

"I did. I read it all, from your fall, till that day in Washington."

"Two. Did you try to stop it when you went back?"

"You have to understand..."

"Did you?" 

"No."

Bucky felt the pain like a physical punch. His heart is aching. 

"You left me to that fate? You let me be tortured, brainwashed, being stripped of my identity, of my being that I didn't even know my own name?

By now tears were streaming down Bucky's face and Steve was crying too, his hands shaking. 

"Answer me!" 

"Yes."

"Yes what?" 

"Barnes..." Sam tried but Bucky gave him one deathly look and Sam stepped back. 

"Yes. I left you." Bucky pulls a face and replies with a cold voice. 

"Yes Buck... I left you to be tortured, to be stripped down, I left you to forget your family, your name, your identity so I could dance with my wife, play with my kids, have dinner parties because you weren't worth saving."

"Buck.. Of course you were worth..." 

"Shut up! I was worth anything to you, You would have done something."

The room was tense. 

"I was tired Buck... Tired of losing people, tired of fighting."

"Strange... You weren't tired when you were picking fights left right and center and I _ begged  _ you to stop and had to intervene, _ had to get myself beaten up for you! You weren't tired then!" _

Bucky looks down and tries to shake the pain away. Steve was crying as well, his hand outstretched to Bucky who ignored him. 

Bucky looks up. His eyes were cold. 

"I'm officially a misanthrope, and my misanthropy is founded on your betrayal Steven Grant Rogers. The most selfish person I have ever met. I hope the time you have left is everything you ever wanted, because you got everything you wanted, while the rest is, where I... May  _ you outlive me _ ." 

With that he turns around and walks back into his room, closing the door behind him. 

Without waiting another second he had his backpack and was out the window. 


	266. Titanic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recover in Wakanda

22 sept Titanic

Bucky and Shuri look at each other before racing each other up the stairs. Bucky knows he could easily win, but seeing the Princess so happy , so carefree as she runs he lets her win.

Shuri reached the top with a loud yell and threw her hands in the air. 

"Yass! Eat that sucker!" She exclaimed while doing some happy dance. Bucky could only smile widely at that and shakes his head. The view was beautiful on the top floor, overlooking the courtyards. 

"Congratulations."

"Thank you, but don't think I don't know what you did there... Next time."

He shrugs. 

"Next time." He conceded. 

Shuri laughs and walks to one corner. 

"Hey, you should stand behind me so we can do the Titanic move. I want a selfie."

"Thw what? Titanic was a ship that sank... One of Sarah's friends when they were younger was on board, she died."

"Who's Sarah?" 

"Steve's mom, she was a nurse."

"Oh shit!" 

Shuri exclaimed. 

"This was in your time, you were born some time after right?" 

"Yeah, a couple years." Bucky answers as Shuri gives a low whistle. 

Bucky stares into the distance, remembering some of it as a kid, hearing the grown up talks, Sarah telling them about it, he doesn't remember any moves though. He looks at Shuri. 

"What's the move though? I don't remember any moves..."

"Oh...they made a movie, it's epic. I'm going to send it to you to watch tonight, be warned though, you're going to cry."

"Oh...uhm..."

"No excuses. You're watching it, everyone has to, at least once."

Bucky sighs, he knows her. He will be watching it tonight... 


	267. Houston

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre Civil War

23 sept Houston

This is the second time he came to the museum. The first time was a couple of months back, just after the whole helicarrier incident. The time he was freed from Hydra's hold, the time he was told he was "Bucky" or "James Buchanan Barnes" that he was 'his friend'. 

A few days later he was at the museum, seeing the proof, seeing it showcased for the world to see. 

Since then he spent time all over the world, trying to get as far away as possible from this place. 

Now, nearly a year later he is back. Looking much better, feeling better and having so much of his memories back. Reading this isn't more like reading a stranger's life, it feels like reading his own, like an old man reading his old grade one school books. He knows it is his, but it feels distant. He thinks it will pass. 

He turns a corner and finds the photos of 'their' apartment. The one Bucky and Steve shared before Bucky went to war and Steve went to the science lab. 

The flat looks exactly like he left it, the kitchen table... The couch with a few springs sticking out, there was a certain art to sitting down. In the corner behind a glass box is a paper box with some documentation and papers that belonged to Steve. Bucky looks closer, seeing Steve's and his handwriting. They actually have some of his documents too. In one corner it looks like a crossword puzzle is sticking out. Bucky smiles. 

_ "Buck..."  _

_ "Yeah..."  _

_ "Which general was a governor of two states in America? He also apparently has a town named after him..."  _

_ "I don't know Steve, you know I hardly pay attention in History..."  _

_ "Well if you did, you'd know."  _

_ "pottle, kettle.. Why didn't you?"  _

_ "I did!" _

_ "Not enough. Does it say what his name begins with?"  _

_ Steve looks at the crossword puzzle again.  _

_ "No, I still need to get five down." _

_ "Which is?"  _

_ "A pack animal used for centuries.." _

Bucky blinks and looks at the box again. 

"Horses, five down... Samuel Houston, the governor, Texas and Tennessee.." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only 98 to go, can you believe that?


	268. Cool idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

24 sept Cool idea

Bucky looks at Steve and the mess in the kitchen, both covered in a melting mess of fruit pieces, chocolate and ice-cream.

"Well... Do you have any other cool ideas?"

Bucky asked as Steve used a spoon to scrape some ice-cream before eating it.

"It was a good idea, I really didn't know the lid locked in."

"Yeah, I wasn't offering much help either..." Bucky added, already feeling sticky with the melted mess.

They were trying to make fruit milkshakes and it all went well. They had their first glasses but typical super soldiers they wanted more. They poured it in, added the fruit and yogurt and syrup and whatever they could find. Steve put the lid back but forgot about the lock in place and the moment they switched it on, the lid came off and with it a shower of milkshake.

"Okay, let's clean this up... Then...."

"we get two cold beers and go swim in the lake." Bucky finished for Steve who was still trying to think of something to say. He looked at Bucky with a huge smile.

"Yeah, that sounds like a plan."


	269. 25 sept Lancelot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre war  
> Bucky and Becca

25 sept Lancelot

Bucky and Becca are sitting at the kitchen table, Bucky is peeling potatoes and Becca was peeling carrots. The pot in the middle between them. There was already peas in the pot, floating in the water. 

On one end was a book, Becca was reading before she and Bucky started to make dinner. 

"When was the last time we had a big pot of stew like this?" Bucky asked, the smile wide, the eyes bright. 

"Oh yes, plus Ma is bringing freshly baked bread. That's wonderful."

Becca agreed. Bucky stopped peeling. 

"She is? I wonder if she'll bring some butter too, that would be heavenly."

They continue to talk about the food, and dinner, as they prepared the food. After the peeling came the cutting. Bucky kept an eye on his sister, making sure she doesn't cut herself. She rolls her eyes. 

"I'm a grown-up now too Bucky, not just you."

"Grown-ups also get hurt, be careful, the blade is sharp."

"Yes my good sir." She joked. Bucky snickers

"I like that, just like a knight in those stories you read. Without the horse of course."

"Yeah, although I doubt Sir Lancelot would peel potatoes and cut them..."

"I bet he would, if he wanted to eat."

"Did they have stew back then, on those days? I always wondered."

"I think so, I mean, they only had one pot, didn't they, how many could they carry as they traveled..."

"Yeah, but it's not really mentioned in the books." Becca answers and Bucky looks to the book on the table. 

"Yeah, but that's what, a romance novel, you should try the history books."

"There's no story in them, just facts."

"That's why it's called history books Becs." Bucky replies with exasperation. 

Becca throws a piece of carrot at him. 

"Oh shush you."


	270. Pearls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre War

26 sept Pearls

Bucky watched as Steve was helping Becca to draw a 'still life' with the small bouquet of flowers and cutlery on the table, in a 'composition'. It was Winifred's birthday and they were having a big dinner for her. 

"I said help me, not stare at them, unless you also want to draw?" Winifred admonishes with a light tone. Bucky spun around. 

"Ya MA, sorry Ma, no Ma." He answers at one. Even a young man, he still treats her with the utmost respect and admiration he did as a small boy. 

She said that Bucky and Steve must take some leftovers, and even a piece of cake so Bucky is helping her pack the food away, while Steve is helping his sister. 

Winifred turns so that her back is to them. 

"Bucky, forgive me if you think me rude, but the gift Steve gave me, it was his mother's pearls weren't they?" Bucky looks down and looks back up at his mother. 

"Yes, I told him not too, that it is the only thing he has left, but he insisted, he said you were also like a mom to him, even now, caring and looking after him, without a second thought, even though we're struggling."

"Oh the poor boy, he knows I do it out of love right, not obligation?" 

"He does, and that's why he gave it to you."

Winifred, clutch the pearl necklace around her neck, and tries to swallow the lump. 

"Tell him I would treasure it, and will look after it. Tell him, I will do anything to always be there, for both of you. He is just as much my son, as you are."

Bucky hugs his mother close. 

"I know Ma, I will tell him."


	271. Evergreen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

27 sept Evergreen

It was a bright night, well, as bright as it can be with a full moon shining above the earth. The fire was warm, and the cold a little bit better than a few weeks before. Still too cold not to lit up a fire. The tents were close together, and the atmosphere was warm. Bucky was sitting with the rest of the Howlies around the fire, all talking and sharing stories. By now, most have heard the stories of Steve's USO days and he has got a few jokes about it, surrounded by all those women.

Bucky saw straight away that Steve made friends, not lovers on that adventure, and his heart swells with pride. Steve has always been, and always will be a gentleman, in the true sense, gentle with everyone he meets, except bullies, and Nazis, apparently.

"So Sarge what is the one thing you like about this place?" Gabe asks.

"Besides from us." Dumdum added with a smile.

It causes everyone to burst out laughing, Bucky included. He removes the cigarette from his mouth.s

"Well, someday I like it, other days I absolutely hate it."

"What's that?" Dernier asked.

Bucky points to the forest.

"How it is always green, evergreen, day and night, summer and winter, even covered in snow. It doesn't die... It stays alive. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, it certainly messes with me some days."


	272. Swimming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wakanda Recovery

28 sept Swimming

The water is cool, but not cold, the sunlight breaking through the surface to sparkle around him. Bucky reaches out with his hand to remove a small branch stuck between the reeds and looks around before looking up. He smiles as he pushes himself up to the surface before breaking through the water and taking a deep breath. The water runs down his face and hair and he shakes it off.

Glancing to the side he starts to swim to get out. It was a bit hard with only one arm, but he is strong and agile and adapted quickly. Looking around one more time he gets out of the lake and sits down under a tree. He is only wearing his briefs, his clothes on a heap next to him.

He is alone, the nearest sound of people is about a kilometer away, more than a mile and that suits him.

He's been out of cryo for about a month, and Shuri offered him the hut, a week ago. He is allowed to go anywhere, he can do anything and Shuri even recommended hiking and swimming in the lake. He didn't actually think he would take her up on her offer, but here he is.

Taking a hike and it was hot, and he was sweaty and the water looked so refreshing.

Closing his eyes for a moment he just savored the moment before opening his eyes. The lump getting heavy in his throat, he feels it is an absolute miracle that he is sitting here, not trigger words, no Hydra and can actually enjoy an afternoon in the Wakanda jungles.


	273. Scabbard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2

29 sept Scabbard

Bucky was standing to one side, smoking his cigar as he looked at Steve, or what was supposed to be Steve, giving orders and arranging their trek back to the base. The buildings behind them were still burning the smoke rising high in the sky. The atmosphere was light and happy. The wounded are being taken care off, the rest just happy to be free and rescued. Bucky isn't exactly sure how he should feel, or what he should do, he still feels... Different. 

"Sarge...?" 

Turning around Bucky smiles at Dumdum. 

"Some men.. They found out stuff they took..." Bucky looks surprised, he thought that would be gone. When they were captured, they had to surrender all their weapons and anything else they carried. 

"Oh... Dumdum I can kiss you!" 

Bucky exclaims loudly causing some men to turn their heads. 

Dumdum blushed red as he handed Bucky his rifle and a scabbard. 

"Oh... You even got this..."

"What? No kiss?" Bucky joked as he pulled his knife from the scabbard, admiring it before putting it back. 

"Not with that mouth, brush your teeth first... I have standards..." Dumdum joked back, causing Bucky to laugh, his first real laugh in weeks. He sobers quickly, looking at Dumdum to know it too. 

"Thank you."

"You're welcome Sarge."


	274. Ordained

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Civil War era

30 sept Ordained

Bucky read the newspaper article, after decades of brainwashing and taught skills he is able to have a near photographic memory. The words are replaying in his head as he is locked up in this glass cage. It's humiliating, which is the point, he supposes.

Not to mention the metal clamps, but he can live with it. He has lived with less for many years.

It's the looks that are starting to wear him down, he never should have surrendered. He should have let them shoot him down in that street, better yet blow up in that apartment. He wonders how they found him...

Still.

Doesn't matter.

He knows what they think he did, and the lengths they will go to, to make sure the world sees what happens to men like him. He will be the example. The showcase. Exhibit A...

They have ordained the highest level of punishment, and full accountability for everything. He is the infamous Winter Soldier.

Personally he wishes they would execute him, it would be more acceptable than being made a labrat, for example off. Also better than spending another couple decades in a cage.

He wonders if he will have a say, a choice. Looking around him, seeing the people staring back, he doubts it 


	275. I got nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame

* * *

* * *

Bucky walks down the showroom, going from one bike to the next one. Admiring it and touching it.

"See anyone you like?" Bucky briefly closed his eyes before opening them and looking behind him. Sam was standing there looking calm and collected with his sunglasses and rolled up sleeves.

"Not yet, but there is quite a selection here."Bucky answers and walks on to the next one. Sam follows.

"You missed the meeting with Hill and Steve."

"Yes, I did, are you here to ground me... Take away my phone, no TV for a week?" Bucky asks sarcastically while sitting on the bike nearest to him.

"I like this one, I'm going to take it for a test drive."

"Barnes..."

"I told you I didn't want to go, I don't want to be part of it, whatever it is.. Or see him."

"He misses you."

Bucky rolls his eyes.

"So do I.." Bucky mumbles to himself..

"What if I want you there, by my side?" Sam asks and Bucky sighs.

"Sam, I got nothing but respect for you, and if you need me, and really want me to help you, I will, but I will not sit in needless meetings with people I don't know, and have no intention of meeting up with. Now, what do you think of this one... She's beautiful right?"

Sam sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. Slow steps...

"Yeah, she's a beast lady."


	276. Tom Cruise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

2 Oct tom cruise

It was just after twelve, midnight had passed and technically it was a new day. Doesn't mean the pain of yesterday was any less. 

Bucky can't sleep, he has tried, but ends up rolling from one side to another side of the bed, so he finally had enough and got out. Making some coffee he put the TV on and went through the channels until finally stopping at one who was playing some movie. It was clearly an old movie, and the setting even older, it looks like early late 1800 or 1700, he wasn't sure, exactly. 

His mind kept wandering to the day's events, one minute he had plans and hopes, and dreams for him and his best friend, the next he was alone. 

A door opened in the hallway and he froze for a moment. 

_ 'Not Steve, please not him. Not him, not him.' _

He repeated over and over until he recognized the steps. 

Young. 

Sam. 

"Can't sleep either?" Sam asked and Bucky shrugs. Sam fills his cup with coffee and sits down next to Bucky. 

"Oh... This movie is old... Feels like forever ago. My sister had such a crush on Tom Cruise in this movie, and started her vampire phase...." Sam comments and smiles as he thinks back. 

"It was the only thing on, I haven't been following it. Is it good?" 

"Yeah... The books are better though. You should read it, if that genre is your thing. Gothic horror, I think it is.. There is a whole series."

"Maybe..." 

They watch a bit in silence each with their own thoughts. 

After a few minutes Sam turns to Bucky. 

"You're not okay."

"Sam.."

"Im not okay either."

Bucky tilts his head, looking at Sam. Yeah, he can see it. Both have underlying issues. 

"I don't know what to do, I... I... Don't think I can accept it..." Sam admitted, looking down. 

Bucky knows he isn't talking about the shield, he. Is talking about Steve leaving them both, for a world where they both were oppressed and struggled. 

"Me too." Bucky admitted. 

"Seeing him... My blood boils... I.." 

"Let's leave today, don't know where to, but we'll find something, somewhere far, get our heads back together. We can go together or our own ways." Bucky suggested and Sam nods. 

"Yeah... Together... And I think I know of a place. An old cabin... In a forest... Isolated. No... You know..." 

"Perfect."


	277. Gates of heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> before Civil WAr

3 Oct Gates of Heaven

He had to make sure. He saw the obituary but couldn't believe it. So here he is, behind a tree at the gates of Heaven cemetery watching the funeral.

He was three days too late. That man being lowered into the ground died of natural causes, he should have died differently. Not surrounded by his family, not after what he had done, what he was part of. Bucky remembered him a few weeks ago and then he searched for him. Since he got his memory back and raided Hydra safe house to the next, he made sure everyone that had a finger in the Winter Soldier pie, was getting their judgment day. Some were already dead, killed or murdered, died of old age, or health problems. Some were alive. Some of the younger ones..

This one, was part of the 70s science team, he was showing 'potential' and Bucky... Bucky was the training ground.

He watched the man's family, closely, they were sincere. Some were crying, some just stoic. Two men share a look and Bucky knows instantly they had an idea exactly what that man in the coffin did.

Well, nothing he can do now. He will wait till everyone is gone then go closer, before he will return to the safe house and move on tomorrow to the next one. 


	278. Same old same old

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

4 Oct Same old, same old

It's been a few weeks now that Sam and Bucky have been staying in the cabin. The first few days they did absolutely nothing. Sam spoke to his family a lot and Bucky finally persuaded him to visit them, he will be okay.

And he is. Bucky can say he is doing okay, not great, not well, not good, just... Okay. Surviving.

Just like he did back when he broke out of Hydra's grasp. Traveling the world and finding himself, his memories.

He should have known he was meant to be alone, it was clear to see, yet he somehow, deep down held a tiny sliver of hope that he wouldn't be.

Technically he isn't, but it isn't...  _ Him _ .

His thoughts are interrupted by the sound of an engine coming down the path.

Sam is back.

He watched the truck come into view and stop right in front of the steps. Smiling, he got up and walked down the few steps to meet him.

"Welcome back." Bucky greeted and allows Sam to pull him into a one arm hug.

"Good. It was wonderful, packed on a few pounds though, and bought tons of food, you know moms....right. How are you doing?" Sam answered and asked, looking happy and well rested.

Bucky shrugs.

"Same old same old. Although I did find out that noise we heard... We have a squirrel nest, bunker, home, whatever they are called."

"Oh... Well at least it's not a raccoon nest, they are nasty, come on help me put all this stuff in the house. There's enough food and cookies for a week at least."

Laughing, Bucky and Sam carried all the containers with food into the house, Sam telling him all about his visit and how his family insisted that Bucky should come along next time.

Bucky feels that small sliver of hope again.

"Yeah? I'd love to."


	279. Flat tyre

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

5 Oct Flat tyre

The bike stands to the side, Steve staring at it with his hands on his hips, the shoulder sagging and the frown deep on his face. Dumdum pulls out two cigarettes and hands one to Bucky who was watching him.

"Why is good old Cap looking at his bike like she cheated on him?"

"To him, she probably did." Bucky replies, his smile wide.

"What did she do?"

"Flat tyre."

Dumdum and Bucky watch as Steve finally crouch down and look at the offending object. The tyre was flat, the spikes half disappearing in the mud.

"Oh... That's just sad." Dumdum offers and Bucky snorts.

"What? The flat tyre or the look of betrayal on Steve's face."

"Both." Dumdum replied causing both men to burst out laughing.

Steve stands up and turns around.

"You both realize I can hear you, right?"

Bucky and Dumdum nodded.

"Yeah Cap."

"Yup."

"I should let you both do some push-ups."

"How about we help you push your bike over to the truck?" Bucky offers, causing Dumdum to snicker.

Steve looks at his bike.

"Dumdum, you're on night duty, Buck, you can help me push her, and get to sit with her all the way back to the base.

"You better make it up to me."

Steve smiles broadly.

"Of course. I'll sit with you."

Bucky groans.

"That's not what I meant."


	280. ...walks into a bar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame

6\. Oct ….walks into a bar….

Bucky and Sam are sitting on the porch watching the sunset each with a beer in their hands. Both still laughing and Sam is holding his phone. It pings.  
"Okay here's the next one..."  
"Oh, how many does your sister have?"  
"Don't ask, she has two kids... Lame and the .... Walks into a bar... Jokes are their specialty."  
"Okay... It's a bar joke...the past, the present and the future walks into a bar.. " Sam's stops as he reads it and shakes his head, snickering.  
"What? Come on..."  
"It was tense..." Sam answers.  
"Oh that's... So lame...." Bucky replies laughing.  
"Dude... We're laughing."  
"That's true."  
"Google lame jokes... I need to reply and I'm the cool uncle."  
Bucky puts his beer down and starts to Google..  
"Okay... They're in school right.."  
"Yeah."  
"Tell. Them... Ooh this one.. Tell them they should eat shoe polish and yeast every evening before bed."  
Sam starts typing.  
"Send...."  
There comes a ping..  
"Why?" Sam reads. Bucky holds out his phone.  
"So every morning they can rise and shine."  
Sam burst out laughing as he types back.  
Bucky continues to Google. When he and Sam said they should have a lighthearted and fun evening, this isn't what he had in mind, but he sure as hell isn't going to comply.


	281. Third person narrative

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Civil War era

  1. Oct Third person narrative



Sam watched as Bucky stood to one side, he was listening, he was paying attention, but he didn't partake. Steve is busy making plans to get Tony and the authorities off their backs so they can go after Zemo.

Occasionally Steve will glance in Bucky's direction, wordlessly asking for advice and running the plan with him. Sam didn't see much, but from the look of Steve's smile and body language, he saw a lot.

Sam feels like he is in a story book, or a movie and is somehow the third person narrative, trying to get the perspective of the two leading characters and someone to get to the happy ending.

The problem is, he doesn't think this story will have a happy ending. He doesn't think this is going to end well.  _ He hopes so _ . He will fight for what is right, but he also needs to be real, the proverbial shit will hit the fan.

He sighs deeply and listens to the plan. Bucky is playing close attention, his eyes soft and filled with respect and admiration as he watches Steve. There is something else in his eyes too, and Sam sure as hell will not try to decipher that. That most certainly won't end well. He knows one thing though. Steve has the same look. And both ignore it. 


	282. Bungled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

8 Oct Bungled

It's been two weeks since the reversal of the Snap, or the Blip, or whatever you want to call it. The whole world is trying to get back on track, to fix all the brokenness the world went through. Bucky knows it will take years, so many families, so much destruction. Marriages are suddenly illegal because the previous partner is back... So many relationships on the rocks... Families broken. People are broken. It's all one bundled mess. 

And the treads of unraveling it will take years to smooth out. If ever. 

"I still can't get used to this." Bucky turns to Sam who came to stand next to him, also looking at the people in the street. 

"How many of your family left and how many stayed behind?"

"Mom stayed, my sister stayed, me and some grandkids left...now she still has a five year old grandson who was supposed to be ten. My mom is five years older, my sister is now older than me.. It's..." Sam trails off, the words and the thoughts unable to flow together. Bucky can understand that. 

"Yeah... I know..." 

Both sigh. 

"You sure you want me to come along, seeing them?" Bucky asks and Sam nods. 

"Yes. Please. Come on... She's making her favorite Sunday roast, you definitely need to taste her cooking.."

Sam replies smiling. Bucky smiles back. 

"Okay, let's go."


	283. Cape Town

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

9 oct Cape town

"Have you ever been to Cape Town?" Bucky turns to Shuri, as she looks expectantly.

"Uhm... Once... When I was on my own." Bucky answers, looking confused.

_ On my own _ ... Bucky's term to describe his time after he was freed from Hydra and before meeting Steve in Bucharest. He doesn't talk much about that time.

Shuri nods.

"Did you like it, would you go again, if you could?"

"Why? What are you planning Princess?"

"Nothing..." Shuri answers and Bucky tilts his head.

"Okay.... Okay... One of our medical teams is going for a conference, and I was wondering if you want to go with me, we can do a bit of shopping, see some sights...."

"Can I? Though with my face... I'm wanted..."

"You'll be part of the Wakanda diplomatic group, if anyone touches you, there will be consequences."

"Bucky looks away and looks like he is thinking before he looks back, smiling softly.

"I'll be happy to go with you."


	284. the queen

10 Oct The queen

Bucky just closed the small goat pen gate when he heard the noise in the distance. Frowning he turns around and walks to the small clearing near his hut where the Hovercrafts usually stops. 

He could see the craft approaching in the distance with two occupants, the driver and Shuri. 

Squinting he looks at Shuri and can see the barely concealed excitement, her smile was wide, and she was bouncing up and down. Bucky still marvels at her energy. 

The craft came to a stop and Shuri jumped out.

“White Wolf!” 

“Princess.” 

Shuri runs to him with her arms open, she is going to hug him and Bucky just shakes his head as he opens his arm. They hugged and she stood back, her glee infectious. 

“What’s got you so all riled up and happy?”

“It’s official!” She yells and jumps up and down.

“What is?”

“You!”

“Me?” Bucky asks, confused.

“Yes, you are officially part of the Wakanda Royal Family and have Diplomatic Immunity, meaning no one can touch you, unless they want the Queen on their case and she is a force to be reckoned with.” 

Bucky kept staring with wide eyes and shock. The Queen gave him protection? _She adopted him_ , so to speak.’

He makes a noise between a grump and a squeal and Shuri hugs him again.

“Now you are my brother.” 

Bucky could only hold her tightly and bury his head in her neck. He didn’t have any words. 


	285. Bangs shut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

Bucky could hear the laughter down the hallway. He could make out a few voices that he knows, Wanda, Sam... Scott... Steve..

Steve's old voice, not the young man he knew. Now, the old stranger Steve.

"Is Barnes on his way?" Sam asks and Bucky rolls his eyes. He has asked to be called Bucky, but Sam is deliberately calling him Barnes like he has an inside joke.

"He said he will just have a quick shower then come." Wanda replies and Bucky can hear the sound of cutlery and mugs as they prepare to make coffee or something.

"I haven't seen him much since..." Steve didn't go on, he didn't really need to. 

"You appeared on a bench." Sam finishes for Steve.

"I can't wait to meet him, Dad has been going on and on about him."

"Yeah grandpa used to tell us stories."

"Did your mom ever try to find him?" Wanda asks and there was a sudden silence in the room.

Bucky stops a few feet from the door. His heart beating rapidly. His palms sweating. He knew the answer. He could see it.

Still he wants to know however he starts walking backwards, slowly. His body trying to get him away. 

"Wanda..." Old Steve started and then there was a loud crash.

Everyone jumps and Sam is trying to calm things down. It sounds like Wanda dropped something that requires clean up.

"You.. You're... Bastard!" Wanda yells and then before Bucky could do something she appears in the hallway, red swirls around her. Her face in anger.

Bucky holds his finger to his mouth. She nods and then using her power slid the door close. The door bangs shut with a loud click.

"Let's get out of here." She said.

Bucky nods.

"Yeah. Let's go."

Both start to run down the hallway s hearing Sam's yell for her. She didn't lock the door so he was able to see them running away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late post, I had training today


	286. Sunscreen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid/Young Bucky

12 Oct Sunscreen

It was a beautiful summer day, one of the first in the summer. Bucky and Steve along with his sisters have plans to spend the day in the park. Steve wants to draw, Bucky wants to play and Becca wants to lay in the sun.

They quickly packed a basket and rolled a blanket before setting off.

The park was lush and green, with several groups of people already there. They chose a spot under a tree, on one side and laid the blanket out. Steve immediately sat down against the tree trunk, just soaking up the sun. He is just back to full health after a bout of the flu. With full health, about as healthy as he can be, regardless of all his other ailments.

Becca laid down and Bucky sat down with the basket, just relaxing before he found something to do.

"This is so serene, the sun is so warm."

"Yes it is... You did remember the sunscreen right?" Bucky asks looking at his sister. She nods.

"Okay, we will all put some on, as the sun gets warmer.

"Yes Buck."

"Yes Bucky." Becca and Steve replied at the same time.

Bucky just smiled back and lay on his back, looking at the clouds..

"Let's do cloud shapes..." He suggested and the other joined him, in a half circle.

In no time they were all pointing to the sky, seeing shapes in the clouds.


	287. Boorish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

13 Oct Boorish

Dumdum knew that look in his Sargeant's eyes, that look meant someone is about to get his ass handed to him. In this case it is one of the lads from a different infantry.

Dumdum isn't sure what set Bucky off, but the moment he started making jokes about nurses he put down his glass of whiskey with a soft but solid thud on the table and clenched his fists.

Don't get him wrong, they all are very protective over the nurses in the camp, knowing the hard work they do, and the immense pressure they are on, but something tells Dumdum there is more to it.

"And then she pulls out her stethoscope...."

Bucky stands up and walks to the man standing on the other side of the bar, all boorish and vulgar. Several people have been cringing since he started talking, clearly drunk.

Dundum gets up and follows Bucky.

"You have had enough. Leave." Bucky orders in a cold tone.

The man sputters and turns his attention on the man. The pub grows quiet.

Dumdum waves to his table and the rest of the 107th gets up and stands behind Dundum and Bucky. The man looks over Bucky's shoulder to see the rest and high tails it out of there.

Dundum watches the tension leave Bucky's shoulders.

"Come on Sarge, let's get going."

"Yeah...I'm tired anyway."


	288. I don't get it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

14 oct I don’t get it

Bucky lit up his cigarette taking a deep drag as he watched the scene in front of him. They just took down another Hydra base, and some of the men are going through the labs and offices, the others checking the transport and radios. Bucky looks at the bodies laying around. He never really made peace with the fact that he has killed people, and will kill again. It isn’t about choice anymore, it was never about choice. It’s not even about war anymore. It’s survival. He wants to just be one of the men that gets to walk away at the end of the day. To go home. 

Home…

That’s another thing. Is home still home? 

Has it changed so much that he won’t fit in anymore, or did he change? Maybe both.

“Either way, I don’t get it.” 

“You say something Sarge?” Bucky turns to the voice, Gabe is busy nearby. 

“No, just thinking you know.” 

“Yea, I know Sarge.”


	289. Peter Pan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2 era

15 Oct Peter pan

The train is slowly lulling Bucky to sleep. The journey has been several days, and even though he got enough sleep, he is already bone tired. He misses home, he misses his shabby apartment, he misses the music the local club played, he misses his folks, he misses Steve. He misses… everything.

Now he is on another continent, surrounded by strangers but will turn out to be his brothers that fight - and die - together, depending. 

They will reach their camp by tomorrow afternoon, according to the bosses, if nothing happens, like bombs...attacks…

Somewhere someone opens a window, and the breeze is cool and icy and a paper pamphlet is blown inside his cabin. He picks it up. It’s an advertisement for a play that is playing in London. Or did. The play is Peter Pan. 

Bucky mouth pulls to one side. What he wouldn’t give to go to Neverland right about now. To escape the clutches of war, the call of orders, ‘shoot to kill’ and the fear of dying. 

He would take Steve and his sisters, and they can go all together, they will swim in the seas, they will fly like the lost boys, they will be happy. He isn’t happy now. 

Sighing, Bucky let the pamphlet slide out of his hand, onto the floor.

No use in dreaming. The nightmare has already started. 


	290. created by

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2

16 Oct Created by…

_ Becca _

_ It's been a while since I wrote to you, I am sorry. Please don't worry (too much) but keep me in your prayers. (I think most days that's what gets me through).  _

_ Things are… Well… Or still going…  _

_ I don't know when the war will be over, but I don't think it's too far away. We're making real good progress. Steve is still Steve, just bigger and stronger so of course he thinks he needs to do everything. Some days I really miss our lives back home. Ugh, who am I kidding, I miss it every day. Every morning when I wake up, I take a brief second and remember home. Just for a moment, just for a little while. It’s nice to imagine, it makes me feel safe to remember.  _

_ I take comfort in the fact that you are safe back home, that you can wake up, and have coffee in peace, without looking over your shoulder, without a knot in your stomach, without that skip of a heartbeat when you hear a loud sound. _

_ I see you trying to put a ribbon in your hair, I see Ma making that stew we love and Dad reading the newspaper. I see you all smiling, walking down the street, greeting Ms. Marshall down at the corner. I see home, and I know I am okay. _

_ This world I live in now, this war was created by men not caring for the peace, who wants to destroy the world, and I hope and pray, we win. We can stop it. But we will. We will all do our part. _

_ And then I will come home. _

_ Take care and know I think of you all. _

_ Bucky  _


	291. Serum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ww2

17 Oct Serum

Bucky closes the bathroom door behind him, standing with his back to the door. He can still hear the laughter and music through the wooden walls. The pub is extra loud and rowdy tonight, or it may just be that it feels like that for him.

They just came back from another mission, another Hydra base, gone. Bucky should celebrate with the rest, he should be out there enjoying himself. He should be out there drinking with the guys, joking with Steve and flirting with the girls.

Yet...

He is in the bathroom, trying to come to grips with some thoughts.

He knows what the serum did to Steve, and Steve tonight let it out that the serum apparently enhanced everything, every character trait, and conviction so to speak.

Meaning that the small stubborn punk, is now a big stubborn punk times thousand, probably.

Bucky closes his eyes and opens the door, standing in front of the sink he looks into the mirror.

If it enhances the person... What he was given in that lab...

Bucky is a great shot, a good soldier, but not really good, like Steve. He is tainted.

Does that mean the knock off serum he got, made him worse?

Is he going to be one of the world's greatest murderers? In the name of war? 


	292. Funky town

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery wakanda

18 Oct Funky town

Shuri is watching Bucky, the amusement in her eyes. Bucky is busy setting up a few social media accounts and for the problem is setting it up.

"Shsjdjjd." she hears the sound but it doesn't make sense.

"Did you just curse in Russian?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"The bloody thing doesn't want to accept my birthday!"

Shuri bites down to keep her laughter from breaking out.

"What does it say?"

"System error." Bucky answers the frown still on his face, the glare in his eyes.

Shuri steps closer to look at the screen, it doesn't want to take 1917.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I can overwrite it if you want me to?"

Bucky sighs.

"No... I suppose the whole moving on thing I should probably choose a better date one that won't give me an error."

"You would have been in your thirties now, right, so what if we say late seventies or early eighties?"

"Eighties... The seventies I don't want to be connected to."

Shrugging she nods.

"Okay, what about 1982?"

"Yeah, I can keep my date and month right?"

"Of course you can. 19 March is cool, you're a Pisces and let me tell you, pisces rock..."

"I don't know what that means..." Bucky tried but he didn't look upset anymore, instead he was curious. Shuri pays his shoulder.

"Google it... Oh, and passwords... Needs to complicated, not just something like 'funky town' or something, you need numbers and characters and signs and probably a full moon ritual..."

"A what?"

"Trust me, you'll see." Without saying anything more she leaves him and continues with her work.

After a few more curses, Bucky got his password, without a full moon ritual.

"B0rn1917@s5h0l3"


	293. I am begging you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

19 oct I am begging you

(So I watched the bts titbit of TFAWS, and someone said that scream sounded like Bucky's.... So... I couldn't let that go..)

  
  


They were in Prague, fighting the bad guys, once again. Sam and Bucky and a few others against the world, so to speak. The US agent is in fact the bad guy, the guy that needs to be stopped. No one believed them, so they are on their own. Sharon is busy helping, trying to get the evidence needed, and the back up needed to take them down.

Sam is fighting through a team, and he knows somewhere Bucky was fighting as well.

Then he heard the first scream.

It was Bucky's.

"Barnes... You copy?"

Static....

  
  


Bucky was fighting harder than before, this man,  _ this fake Captain _ .. Was strong, he was enhanced, not the Steve level, or the Bucky level... But enough to make things hard. To cause serious problems.

Fists were exchanged, kicks were shared and even two stab wounds.

Bucky managed to stab the man on his side, one long cut from the hip back to the spine. The US agent managed to stab Bucky in his stomach and was bleeding a lot. Both were. But Bucky was the one who had to lower his body half bend forward and that was enough for the agent to swing with the shield, that damn shield, and knock him straight off his feet. He fell against some water fountain and then the shield came down again. He lifted his arm to defend himself and the shield shattered the bone in his right arm, breaking it. He let out a scream. The left hand is fine, hardly a dent and once the shield came down again, he was able to block it again. He is aware that Sam is calling for him, but he can't answer.

He blocks the shield again, and again.

But the blood loss, the pain is excruciating. The US agent is standing on top of him, and he stopped hitting him with the shield. He snarls and lifts his leg kicking down on the wound. Bucky screams again, as the wound rips open more.

The blood gushing out.

He needs help, serious help. Bucky tries to get up, to move sideways to protect his body, but he is too weak. The agent lifts his foot and stands over Bucky.

"I'm the captain now!" He yells and brings the shield down again. Bucky was powerless to stop the impact of the metal on his sternum. His sternum is reinforced with the metal in his arm, but it wasn’t enough. He felt the metal hold, but the bone shattered and that is enough to cause major damage.

The agent looks up and frowns before he runs away. Bucky's eyes move to the side to see Sam kneeling close.

"We need immediate Evac! And Medic! Now!" Sam yells into his earpiece. Bucky’s breath is swallowed, the blood dripping out of his mouth.

"Dammit Barnes!"

"S... Sm..."

"Hold still, I am begging you, stay still. Let the serum do its thing."

Bucky wants to tell him, he doesn't think the serum is enough this time... He wants to tell Sam it's not his fault. He wants to tell Sam, not to tell Steve, who is happy and safe in his home, drinking tea, hot chocolate or whatever.... Not a care in the world... He doesn't say anything. The words don't want to form. He can hear sirens in the background, he can hear a Jet engine, he can hear Sam yelling, but can't make it out. The sounds blend together, and he is tired. His eyes flutter close and Sam shakes him.

"Keep your eyes open!"

Bucky tries, he really tries, he doesn't remember or know if he did though."


	294. Glorious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wakanda recovery

20 oct Glorious

Shuri and Bucky are walking down the streets, the market is not so busy, as most are at work. On reflection, it made perfect sense why Shuri decided to bring Bucky today.

They've been walking for nearly an hour now, going from one shop to the next. Shuri bought something here and there but nothing big, the idea was to show Bucky the market, where everything was, and to get to know the people. 

With every step Shuri could see the tension leaving Bucky's shou, she could see the fear and paranoia in his eyes give way to smiles and enjoyment. The self-consciousness of walking without an arm, was nearly non existent. Bucky was feeling comfortable in his own skin, in the progress he has made. 

"Oh look another one..." Shuri mumbles under her breath, her eyes filled with excitement. Bucky rolls his eyes and looks around to see what she means. About ten meters away, one of the young men, standing close to the vegetable table was eyeing Bucky. 

"And a man too... My my my, this is the 4th person." 

Bucky looks down trying to hide the blush on his face. Shuri saw it and burst out laughing. 

"Come on, let's go find something to eat, give the poor Wakandan residents a break from your face, which is apparently glorious to them..." 

"Oh my word..." Bucky mumbles his face red, Shuri is laughing so hard she is nearly doubling over. 

Bucky half drag, half push her into the first foodshop he could find. 

Once they had their food and were eating Shuri and watched Bucky, he looked happy, content and relaxed. She points her fork in his direction. 

“Told you this was a good idea.” 

Bucky nods.

“Yeah, thank you.” 


	295. Mixtape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wakanda Shuri and Bucky

21 Oct mixtape

Bucky looks at the package. 

“You didn’t have to.” He whispers. Shuri jumps up and down.

“Of course I had to! Open it!” 

Bucky slowly removed the wrapping paper to find some sort of clothing inside the box.

“I saw this, and knew it would fit you.” Shuri answers and watches with excitement as Bucky picks up the shirts. There were two T-shirts, one black with a neon design.

“Is this lips, why is the tongue sticking out?” Bucky looks confused and Shuri sighs deep.

“Oh my word, it’s the rolling stone tongue! It is fashionable, and iconic. You said you like rock, so therefore, this automatically becomes the must-have.” 

“The lips are in red glitter!”

“I know, isn't it  _ awesome _ . Check the other one!” 

Complying Bucky picks up the other shirt, it was dark red with a mixtape loge, the wording also in shiny glitter.

“It’s….”

“Yeah, a mixtape, the tape is pulled out over your shoulder see, it is going to look fantastic with your jeans… wear it tomorrow.” 

“At the palace?” Bucky asked with surprise. Shuri rolls her eyes. 

“Duh, where else, I will wear mine and we will match.” 


	296. Duck duck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

22 Oct Duck, duck

Bucky puts down his book, a slight frown on his face as he tilts his head. Did he hear that right? Standing up, he leaves his room and makes his way to the living room, Sam was sitting at the kitchen counter with a paper and repeating words over. 

“Duck duck, suck…”

“Fuck.” Bucky replies and bursts out laughing at Sam’s startled jump.

“What the! Damming Barnes, give a man fair warning, don’t sneak like that.” 

“I didn’t...what are you doing?”

“Ashley, my niece has to write a poem about ducks for a school project...she asked for my help.” 

“Shouldn’t she be doing it on her own?” Bucky asked, walking to the fridge and taking out two beers.

“That’s what her mom said as well, but I am the cool uncle… so I can know… give ideas…” Bucky looks at the paper.

“Looks like you’re writing it for her, ‘precariously’, does kids use that kind of language at her age…?”

“Ugh… I knew it… I didn’t think this was going to be so hard… I mean… it’s ducks….”

Bucky just smiled and shrugged.

Sitting down next to Sam he looks at the words Sam already has written down.

“Four little ducks walk in a row, quack quack down the road, picking stones, step by step, down they go, one with a stick, three with crowns…. That’s as far as I got….give me a few minutes.” Bucky replies, pulling the paper closer and picking up the pen. Sam was staring at him.

“How….”

“Three little sisters...or ducks… as my Ma called us. Always following me around, then came Steve and four become five…. “ Bucky answers, smiling nostalgic.


	297. Unearthly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During endgame

23 Oct Unearthly 

The moment Bucky stepped out of the portal he knew that something bad had happened. Something that would change the entire world as he knows it. 

As the saying goes. "this is it" he doesn't exactly know what  _ this _ is, but he knows that it is something bad.  _ It can't be good.  _

The world is different, it's alien..it has an unearthly glow or aura about it. He doesn't like it. He hates it. It crawls under his skin, it is poisoning his eyes, nose and throat and he wants to cough, to gag. He ignores it and clutches the gun tighter. It is steadfast in his hands, like an anchor and that is even worse. A weapon, something that causes distraction is making him feel grounded, feel safe. 

He looks around, there are hundreds of people, thousands of soldiers and they are determined. He doesn't care, he doesn't want to care. He only wants to know about one person, one soldier… Steve.

Where is Steve? 

He looks around, and sees him in the distance. 

But. 

It's not Steve… not his Steve, not the Steve he remembers, something is wrong! Everything is wrong, but he can't do anything about it. He needs to fight. He needs to survive. Until then…


	298. Zombies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

24 Oct Zombies

Bucky watches as Sam is practicing with the shield, he is getting real good with it. Of course, Bucky won’t say it… not yet anyway. He will just give him some crap about needing more practise… besides. Sam will probably see right through it, and still practice. 

Bucky sighs and walks down the steps to see the shield arch through the air and sinking into a tree trunk. 

“Whoapa!!” Sam yelled and Bucky shakes his head. 

“Did you see that Barnes!” 

“I did. Very well Sam, this is probably the best throw today… finally some progress.” Bucky replies with all smiles and Sam narrows his eyes. 

“Don’t shit me today, that was good.” 

Bucky held out his hands.

“Fair enough. That was good. I’m very impressed, I’m actually thinking of asking for an autograph.” 

“Shut up.” Sam retorts and Bucky puts his arm across his heart.

“Oh… is that any way to talk to a fan… I was going to buy an action figure too…” 

“Barnes….”

“Wilson…”

Sighing Sam removes the shield and inspects it for any scratches, there were none, but knowing Sam, Bucky knows he will be polishing it tonight. 

“I’m getting better right?” Sam asked, his voice serious. Bucky walked till he was close.

“Yes, you are. Seriously. Don’t doubt yourself.”

“Thank you.” 

“You're welcome.” They share a smile and Bucky looks back to the house.

“Come on, let’s get the fire started, I’m getting hungry, plus there is another zombie movie on tonight.” 

“What is with you and Zombies...and every horror and gothic movie?” 

“I don’t know, but it is fascinating.” 

“You know half the effects are over the top?”

“Oh I know, that’s the fun part.”


	299. Prudent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

25 Oct Prudent

The call came right after breakfast. Sam and Bucky shared a look before Sam answered the phone. 

"Wilson."

Bucky watches the emotions in Sam's face, he can't hide it, this is bad, this is going to upset the whole equilibrium they had here at the cabin. 

"Yes sir… We'll be there."

_ 'We _ ?'

Sam puts the phone down and looks up to Bucky. 

"What happened?" 

"Zemo escaped. We're needed tomorrow morning at the new HQ, it's 'prudent' that we're there."

"Prudent?" 

"Fury's word. He is getting an entire team together, he is also…"

"Who? Steve?" Bucky asks, his voice faltering. Sam shakes his head. 

"No. Sharon Carter." Sam answers. 

"I'm sorry Barnes."

"Not your fault." Bucky replies and walks out of the cabin, Sam watching half running into the woods. He didn't think shit would go down so soon. They're hardly ready, although they have practiced every day. Carter might just be something that Bucky isn't wholeheartedly prepared for. The whole thing is still a sore spot for Bucky. He hasn't even contacted Steve once since that day and it's been a few weeks, almost five months…

"Shit."


	300. Wasteful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid Bucky

26 Oct Wasteful

Bucky looked at his sandwich, he wasn’t really hungry, but he can’t throw it out either. Mum said last night that they need to be careful with the food and not wasteful. There are ‘ _ dark times’ _ ahead, but Buck didn’t understand that either. THey have light every night? The town too. Brooklyn is one of the lightest places in New York according to Pa. 

Still.

Maybe he can keep it for later, this afternoon after school. If there are dark times ahead, maybe his Ma wouldn’t have to make a sandwich for him this afternoon? 

Yeah, he will do that.

Putting the sandwich back he gets up to go back to class, when he hears some kids laughing. He looks to the side to see two boys running away with a small bag that was someone’s lunch. Glancing around he sees a young boy, a blonde laying on the ground, clutching his stomach. 

Oh…

Looking down at his sandwich he walks over to the boy and helps him up.

“You ‘right?”

“Yes, thank you.” Bucky could see the boy wasn’t all right, he had a dirt streak across his face, and his shirt had a small tear. He was bullied.

“Was that your lunch?”

The boy just nodded.

“Want to share mine? Ma put an extra one in, but you I don’t want it.” 

“What’s the catch?”

“Catch? I’m not going to throw the sandwich, I will hand it over, you want it?”

The boy looks down before nodding.

“Yes please.” 

“Here ya go. I’m Bucky by the way.”

“Steve.” 


	301. Not another step

27 Oct not another step

Been a while since I was angry at Steve… 

Bucky just finished with the dishes when there was a knock on the door. Frowning, Bucky pulls out his gun and loads it before making his way to the front. Sam had a meeting in the city and Bucky was alone at the cabin. 

He knows every step, and every inch so he makes sure he can walk across the floor without making a noise. At the window he barely moves the curtain before looking out. 

Oh for crying out loud… 

Steve. 

What part of 'I never want to see you again' didn't he get? Bucky briefly closed his eyes, maybe the part where Bucky actually hasn't told him that yet, but thought it. Sam did say Steve wants to talk to him, but Bucky doesn't share that sentiment. He will be perfectly okay never seeing Steve again. Or talking to him. Guess he isn't so lucky today. 

Steve lifts his hand and knocks again. He lowers his hand to feel the handle. It's locked. Bucky is very keen on safety and locking everything he can. He wasn't so much in Wakanda, but now.. Not after… 

"Bucky? You here?" 

"No." Bucky whispers and feels a pang of regret. Young Steve would have heard that. No time for the present. Bucky could laugh at the irony. 

Bucky unlocks the door and opens it. 

He stares at Steve. The gun is still in his hands. 

"Bucky?" Steve greeted with a smile but it falters once he sees the cold look in Bucky’s eyes. 

"Buck…"

Steve comes in but Bucky holds out his hand. 

"Not another step."

"What? I don't… What's going on."

"You're not coming in. And you're certainly not going to talk to me, especially pretending everything is alright and dandy."

"I don't understand…"

"And that's the problem. Sam's not here, so if you want to see him, you need to come back."

"I'm here for you."

"You're a couple of decades too late. Damage is done, move on."

"Buck.."

"Good day Mr. Rogers." With that Bucky closes the door and walks away. He forgot to lock the door, but no matter, in seconds he is out the back door, running into the woods, Steve's calls for Bucky, growing more quiet with every yard. 


	302. Umbrella

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before Civil War

28 Oct Umbrella

Bucky walks down the street, the clouds overhead slowly rumbling and tumbling through the sky causing him to look up every few seconds and smile. It's been a while since he was walking in the rain, and was free. It's been a few months since he jumped after Steve into the river, saving his life. With that act, he also set himself free, he saved his own life. It took decades but in the end, he was free, or the most free he was in years. To him, that is enough. 

He will lay low, he doesn't have a problem with that, he has no interest in the outside world and it's problems anyway. He had enough. 

He is in Italy and it's been a beautiful trip, although he remembers much and still has nightmares. He can see the beauty of Italy, for the first time. He couldn't before. 

And now he will experience the first rain of the season. He does have an umbrella in his bag, one of those small plastic ones, and it is see through. So even under the cover he can still see the sky. He loves the sky, he loves the open space. 

The town is small and everyone is rushing to get home or inside. Bucky isn't. 

The first drop falls right in front of him on the ground. A round spot of water. He stops and holds out his hand. The second drop falls in his palm. He lifts his hand to watch the droplet fall down. He smiles and holds out his arms. 

It feels free. 


	303. good intentions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after endgame

29 Oct Good intentions

The problem with good intentions is that the road to hell is paved with it. Bucky knows. He certainly has his own highway. The B1, or maybe Barnes Highway… JBB interstate? 

Then again. 

It doesn’t beat the Captain Steven Grant Rogers Main Interstate. That is practically a default line, like the San Andreas Fault line… leaving a broken world behind, backing down from a fight for the first time in his life….

“Are you okay?” Bucky looks up to see Sam standing next to his seat, two open bottles of beer in his hand. 

“Yeah…”

“That sounds so convincing.” Sam replies, handing Bucky a beer.

Bucky chuckles lightly taking a few sips of the beer.

“I’m...I will be okay, you know...just need some time.” 

“Yeah, but this is a big commitment.” 

That is what it comes down to, isn’t it? Letting of Steve and his actions, and then moving on without him. Continue to fight with the New Avengers.” 

“I know, then again, it’s not like I have anything else?” 

“True, but that shouldn’t be your biggest motivator.” 

“Until then, it will have to do.” 


	304. the hamster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after endgame Bucky and sam bonding

30 Oct the hamster

Bucky stood in the doorway watching Sam cursing and moaning as he filled a small bowl with water.

“Dammit, this is ridiculous...who...right mind...bloody hell.” 

“Are you talking to Khomyak?” Bucky asks, walking closer and picking up the bag of food. 

“Don’t call it that! What does it even mean?”

“Hamster. It’s a direct translation.” 

Sam stopped what he was doing and glared at Bucky, who just put on his fakest smile. 

“Did you name the hamster, ‘hamster’? In Russian?” 

“Yup.” 

Sam rolls his eyes. 

“I’m calling you human from now on..”

“It would be accurate, I am one.” 

“Smart ass.” 

Both watch the small animal running around his cage, getting acquainted with his new home.

“So when are they coming to pick it up?”

“Sarah said, she will come tomorrow morning, Sasha’s birthday is the day after but will give it to her tomorrow.” 

“Why is your sister getting her daughter a rodent for her birthday? What happened to kittens and puppies?” 

“Sasha saw it on tv, and now wants one, apparently they are good pets, and don’t call it a rodent either.” 

“But it is one….”

“Barnes.”

“Wilson.”

“Eugh… hand me a beer so we can leave this thing.”

“Don’t call Khomyak a thing.” 

“Shut up.” 


	305. misjudged

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after endgame  
> bucky and steve

31 Oct misjudged

Sam watches Bucky as he cleans his guns, he is very methodological and efficient. He isn’t rushing, but he isn’t stalling either. He takes the time and is very thorough. They fly out tomorrow, their first post war mission. And by post war he means after the Blip and intergalactical war. 

The call came this morning, they are needed. Fury is putting a team together and he wants Sam and Bucky to help. They agreed. Then again, there weren't many choices given to be fair. 

After the call, Bucky went straight to his room, came back with his bag of weapons and now is cleaning every weapon, every knife and… is that a garter wire? 

Don’t ask.

“You should take a picture, it would last longer.” Sam huffs and sits down next to Bucky who still haven’t removed his eyes from the weapons. 

“Think the screen might crack.” 

“Can’t take the risk?” Bucky replies, the corners of his mouth lifting up. 

“No…cameras are expensive.” Sam shots back.

“Bucky chuckles before he finally looks up.

“Are you ready to go, to wear the shield?” 

Sam shrugs. 

“I think so, don’t know until I try, I keep going over and over in my head whether I’m ready or not, but the point is I can only answer that tomorrow.” 

“That’s true, for what it is worth, I think you are.” 

Sam’s eyes widen a fraction. He didn’t expect that, then again, these past few weeks at the cabin they have learned a lot from each other, found a common ground and developed some kind of kinship. Sam realized that maybe both misjudged each other, thinking they only had Steve in common, now… now they build something without the outside trying to push and pull. Honestly, he likes it. This feels more... _ real.  _

“Thank you.” That’s all Sam can say, but he knows Bucky sees more. 


	306. Countdown and

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre war

* * *

* * *

1 Nov Countdown

Bucky watches the snow falling softly against the window pane, the streets are quiet, only the minimum outside. Almost midnight on one of the coldest winters New York has seen in the recent decade, not everyone is partying outside. They leave that for inside. 

A cough breaks the silence and Bucky turns around and fills the glass with water, it’s lukewarm and he takes the cough drops before walking towards the bed. 

Steve is laying in the bed, wrapped in all the blankets they have. His cheeks are flushed, his hair wet and sticky against his forehead. 

“Here ya Stevie, take another shot of medicine.”

“Is it time yet?” Steve askes, his voice hoarse, and eyes a bit glazed, he is tired and sick. 

“Not yet, about five minutes to go.” Bucky answers as he helps Steve to drink the medicine. 

“I want to do the countdown with you Buck.” 

“I know. It’s almost time. I’ll be here, keep you awake.”

“Thanks Buck. I’m sorry I can’t be better company.” 

“You’re the best company Steve, Ma said she will bring some stew tomorrow and then you will be good as new.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late post, I was not at home this weekend, only came an hour ago.


	307. MSG

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> recovery wakanda

2 Nov MSG

Bucky and Shuri are standing near the lake, the sun rising in the distance, the rays sparkling on the water. Both are staring at it, soft smiles on their faces. 

“This is one of my favourite moments.” Bucky whispers, his face so relaxed. Shuri turns to him. She can see it. He looks so much better than he did in the beginning, he was so tense, so anxious, so… fragile. One bad look and he would withdraw in himself. 

“Mine too.” She replies. 

Bucky turns back to her.

“I used to hate it, a sunrise meant being alive for another day, and not knowing what it would mean for me… physically and emotionally.” 

Shuri swallows.

“And now…?”

“Now, a sunrise meant being alive for another day, and looking forward to it, to learn and discover more. To live. To be me.” 

“You’ve come far, and it has been an absolute blessing seeing you grow.” 

The smile is shy, soft, a soft blush on his cheeks.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, let’s go have some breakfast.” 

“Yeah, let go.”

“I love the food here, out  _ there _ everything is so stuffed with salt, MSG, and oil and fat… and…” Shuri trails off, her hand waving in the air as if to dismiss the words. Bucky chuckles softly.

“I know, when I was on my own, I used to stare at the wide variety of food, the information on the packets…” 

“People don’t read, if they did, they won’t eat it.” 

“True, but then again, some had no choice. It was that, or going hungry.” 

“Yeah, the world has a huge shortage in organising their priorities regarding humanity.” 


	308. Untoward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

3 Nov untoward

Bucky hardly pressed the ‘send’ button before a reply came.

_ “I’ll send a jet right away.”  _

The smile grimace briefly turned into a smile before settling back, the lump forming thicker and heavier in his throat.

He quickly typed back.

_ “Thank you. I’ll wait in the field, I’ll send the GPS location.” _

The reply was a thumbs up. Turning around he made his way down the stairs and out the cabin, Pepper and a few others were still there, the funeral over, but the loss still heavy in the air. Sam is standing to a corner talking to the witch. Scarlett or Wanda...He isn’t exactly sure. Steve is sitting on a couch, talking to Scott and Hope, his eyes bright, his body old. Bucky looked away to keep them from seeing the pain, he quickly walked out the front door, not even bothering to talk to anyone. Sam saw and quickly rushed out to follow him. 

“Barnes…” 

Bucky stops but he doesn't turn around. He waited till Sam was next to him. 

“Where are you going?” Sam asked, his voice soft, his eyes full of compassion. It hurts.

“I’m going back into the woods… I asked Shuri if I can come back to Wakanda, she is sending a jet. I’m going to wait there.” 

“What about...the things here.” 

“There is nothing for me here Sam. I need to get away. For a bit.” 

“Does he know?” 

“No.” Bucky’s eyes harden up. He looks at Sam.

“I’m not going to tell him. I don’t want to talk to him, if I do… my words..my actions.. It will be a bit...untoward..mean...I will say things I mean, but shouldn’t say.” 

“And now you are not going to say anything?”

“Yes. He won’t be bothered anyway, He hasn’t talked to me, or you, in decades… doubt he will be interested in what we have to say.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be. It wasn’t you who hurt me.” 

They stared for a while before Bucky sighes. 

“Listen, I will stay in touch with you, you take care okay? You got what it takes, and it will most likely take everything you got… but it is okay. You’re the right man for the job.” 

“Thanks. So… Can I wait with you? For a bit?” Bucky narrows his eyes and Sam just shrugs. 

“Yeah, why not… come on…” 


	309. End of year panic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

4 Nov End of year panic

Bucky slowly put his phone and wallet in his jacket, a frown on his face, head tilted a bit as he watched Sam. Sam, who was rushing, running between getting ready and checking his phone before making notes. 

“What’s the rush Wilson? The town isn’t going anywhere.” 

“I need to make sure I have everything. I can’t forget the list.” Sam answers patting his jacket and trousers to make sure he has everything. 

“You won’t. You have been making notes for a few days now, and I remember everything that is on that list as well, I will help you.” Bucky answers still relaxed. Sam looks up.

“You remember the whole list?”

“Yes.”

“Name the fifth line from the top.” 

“Jet ski or jet ski for Barbie.” Wilson stares before he digs out the list and look at it. Bucky is trying very hard not to look smug. 

“Thirteenth word.” 

“Bath bombs - which sounds very interesting.” Bucky answers without missing a beat. 

Sam sighs deeply. 

“Okay, it’s just, the first Christmas since, the thing.. And I want to make it special, I don’t usually get the end of year panic, but…” 

“This year is different… I get it… I will help.”

“Thanks. Let’s get going. Lunch is on me.” 

“Only reason I’m going.” 


	310. Safe passage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Direct after civil war

5 Nov safe passage

Bucky and Steve are glaring underneath their eye lashes at T’Challa who was looking right back, a bit amused. 

“My word is solid.” T’Challa says opening the jet for them to get in. 

“Your majesty, it’s not that we don’t trust you….” 

“We don’t trust you.” Bucky finishes. Steve turns to him. Bucky tries to shrug.

“What? We don’t, unless you do… I don’t… until five minutes ago, he was right in line to swat me like a bug..” 

T’Challa tries to hide his smirk.

“That’s true, but now I know the truth, and I offer my services and technology to offer you a hiding place, both of you, without having to worry about being incarcerated.” 

Steve tightens his hold on Bucky. 

“Safe passage and a place away from the authorities?” Steve asks. T’Challa nods.

Steve looks at Bucky.

“Well, as the guy with a few knocks to his head, I see no lie or deceit in his eyes. I’ll take it.” 

Steve kept looking for a few seconds more, seeing what he needed to see before turning to T’Challa.

“Thank you. We accept.” 

“Good, come on, let’s get out of here.” 


	311. Asics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

6 nove Asics

Bucky is currently the only client in the store, it is still early, opened about five minutes ago. People are still celebrating the return of the people taken in the Snap, and others trying to figure out what to do now and how to adapt. 

Bucky, fortunately, doesn't have that problem. He was just a man in Wakanda, no family, no job, nothing. He didn’t leave a hole in the world. Now that he is back, he doesn’t have a hole to fill. No family, no job. He can do whatever he pleases, which admittedly isn’t something is exactly comfortable with. He and Sam moved into a cabin, and are trying to set up the new Compound for the Avengers that is left over. It won’t happen overnight. Until then, they help where they can, and do what they can. 

Sam is currently in a meeting in town, and Bucky decided to do some shopping, he is looking for new shoes to exercise or run in. 

The wall is filled with every design and colour he can think of, some bright, some big and some ridiculous. His eyes catch a set on the low shelf. He walks over to it, and picks it up. It feels light, he reads the tag. Asics Gel...He heard about them, but hasn't had a pair. With the shoes in hand he walks to the chair area and sits down. It feels weird to take shoes off in public and try new ones on, but he won’t know, unless he tries it on. Keeping his socks on he slips his foot in it. 

“Oooh..that's nice…”

“It looks good too sir.” Bucky lifts his head to see a young man, no older than twenty standing next to him, wearing the shop’s logo on his shirt. Bucky wants to tell him to leave, he can do this, but then again, assisting is his job, and he can’t be mean.

“You think so…. Brad?” Bucky asks, seeing the name tag. 

“Yes sir. This is the latest design as well, and we have a 10% discount on them. The colour is also quite popular, ‘ _ it goes with everything’ _ … apparently.” The man rambles off. 

Bucky isn’t feeling like trying on a bunch of shoes, he just wants a pair and go home, or the next store.

“Great. I’ll take it.” 

“You will? That’s quick.. I mean sure sir, I’ll rang it up…” Bucky smiles softly, shaking his head. He is clearly one of the easiest customers Brad had in a long time. He can’t even find it in him to mind the ‘sir’ part. 


	312. Big hair, don't care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

7 nov big hair, don’t care

Bucky was looking at Shuri as she walked around the hall floor with all the confidence in the world. The smile is soft around his mouth, and for a brief moment he remembers a time when he was so confident among people. It was literally, a lifetime ago. He isn't that young man anymore, but he isn't the empty shell either. 

Bucky felt the presence before he saw the man. The young prince who became a king overnight, in horrible conditions. But, like a true king, he raised to the challenge and is doing wonderfully. 

"She makes me nauseous just by looking at her." 

Bucky chuckles softly. 

"She does." Bucky agreed. 

"I don't think I was ever like that, although my mom might have a different story." T'Challa replied and Bucky could see the little spark of mischief in his eyes. 

"I bet she does, but then like all mom's, she is going to go on and on about how proud she is of her kids."

"That's true." They were silent for a moment, before T'Challa turned around again. 

"Are you enjoying the night Bucky?" 

"Yes, I am, thank you, it's been a long time since I was invited to a banquet, and this is really beautiful."

"You are most welcome - ah speaking of which, don't you get tired with all the jumping and running around?" T'Challa asks as he sees Shuri bouncing towards them. 

"No.. Remember my motto…"

"Which one…" Bucky offers. 

"Big hair, don't care!" 

The two men share a look. That's the first time they are hearing about it. 

"Of course." Both replied. Shuri pouts. 

"See you later." And without waiting for a reply, she bounced to the next person. 


	313. Nerf guns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

8 nove nerf guns

Bucky watches Sam as he is making coffee. The gun is steady in his hands, the view unobstructed. He has a clear shot. He waits till Sam pours the hot coffee, humming underneath his breath. The smell of sweet icing still in the air. The cake is soft and inviting as it sits on the counter. Half is already eaten. 

Bucky watches as he brings the two mugs to the bar counter next to the cake. 

Almost… 

Almost. 

Sam lifts the knife to cut a piece when Bucky pulls the trigger. He watched the projectile spin across the room and then with a soft thud hit his target. 

Sam drops the knife and jumps almost a foot in the air. 

Bucky burst out laughing. 

"Still got it Wilson."

"Got it! You never bloody lost it you asshole!" Sam yells back trying to get his breathing under control. He is still staring at Bucky as he walks over from his hiding spot between the couch. The nerf gun dangling from his hand. His smile was wide. 

"Did the kids forget both nerf guns?" Sam asks sitting back down. 

Bucky nods, putting his gun on the counter and pulls his coffee closer and picks up the knife with the other. His foam dart is still stuck to the side of the knife from when he shot it. He takes it off and starts to cut. 

"We can take it to them later this week, Sarah won't let them play if it's a school week. They need to focus on their homework."

"So…"

"So…" Sam copies. Smiling as he looks at the nerf gun. 

"We should keep it safe…"

"And make sure they work… As well…" 

"That's true…" 

Both smile and know they will use the full advantage of having the two guns in their possession for the week.


	314. Ride our bikes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

9 Nov ride our bikes

Sam is staring at Bucky with hooded eyes, his arms crossed over his chest. 

“Come on, it will be fun.” Bucky sounded like an excited kid, and dammit, Sam can’t ignore it. This man who hasn't felt any type of good old fashioned fun in decades… and he wants to drag Sam into it. 

“I don’t know, I haven’t ridden one in years, and I mean years Barnes.” 

“Perfect time to get back on the horse… and I mean with a horse I mean a couple hundred horsepower.” Bucky added with a wide smile. 

“You want us to buy motorbikes and do what? Go on a big long road trip?”

Some of the spark dims and Sam can kick himself. Bucky lost his best friend recently, and they used to talk about road trips…

“Well… it would make getting to the office easier, the traffic can be a nightmare.” Sam offers, trying to get that spark back. 

“Yes! It will work, and we will save on gas, we can ride our bikes to work, and take the truck on weekends for groceries.” 

Sam sighs.

“I take the red one..” 


	315. That is not a good idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before WW2

10 Nov that is not a good idea

The wind is howling against the small window pane, half the wind slipping through the old cracks and making the whole apartment cold. Bucky closes the door with a thud and removes his gloves and scarf. He hangs it with his trenchcoat and walks to the kitchen. 

“Stevie, you in here…?” 

“Yeah… Stew is warm if you want some?” Steve replies and Bucky sighs. It’s been a long day. 

“Yes please… I’m starving.” Bucky answers and picks up the bowl on the table with a few last dregs inside.

“You want more or can I use it?” 

“Use it, I’m just done.” Pouring himself some of the soup, Bucky sits down to see what Steve is working on. 

“New commission?” 

“Yes, the pharmacy has some new pacifiers in, want me to make a poster.” 

“That’s good. I should buy one for old Timmy at the dock, can’t keep his yap shut long enough to work.”

“Doubt a pacifier will work.” Steve mumbles with a smile. Bucky starts giggling.

“Yeah, but imagine his face…” 

Steve starts to giggle as well. 

“Yeah, it will be a sight to see.” 

“Should buy him one for Christmas, like a secret Santa or something.” 

“That is not a good idea, he will find out it was you.” 

“That’s true, and I can’t walk around with a shiner until summer.” 

“Why summer?” 

“It will look good in the sun… make me look more heroic..” 

“Buck…” Steve tries but gives up. It is no use.


	316. Maria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

  1. Nov Maria



The new building is looking spectacular, all smooth lines and sharp edge. The latest, and even futuristic technology seamlessly incorporated into the walls and floors. 

Bucky is standing in the boardroom, a few stories up from the ground. The view is beautiful, but will be even more spectacular once the world is fixed. Some traces of the war and battle still remain. Some trees have broken or fallen. The ground disturbed. Bucky knows the earth felt the impact, felt the pain, you just have to look around to see it. He does. He sees it, and he feels it. The ripples will take a long down to calm again. 

“Sergeant Barnes, are you okay?” Bucky turns to see Agent Hill standing in the doorway, a file in her hands. The atmosphere is a little tense, uneven. 

“Bucky, please. And yes, thank you Agent Hill, I’m just waiting for the percolator to get some coffee, would you like one?” 

“Oh God yes. Does it come in an IV?” She joked and Bucky smiled. The tension suddenly went away. 

“Doubt it, but it does come in double Espresso..”

“Give me one of those then.”

Bucky goes to the table and prepares the coffee while Maria sits at the table laying out the papers and getting ready, they are still waiting for a few people. Bucky saw Sam entering the building before he turned away. 

He places the coffee next to her, with one of the small biscuits in the bowl 

“Agent Hill.” 

“Thank you. Just what I need, oh… you can call me Maria if you’d like. I wouldn’t mind.” 

Bucky nods softly.

“Maria… thank you.” 


	317. Vietnam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before Civil War

12 Nov Vietnam

He knows this isn't his first time on these waters, but this is his first time enjoying it, and by own choice. 

The skies are so clear, the water so cool and refreshing. The people are so friendly, goodness is they friendly. They don't stare, they go by their day without a fuss. 

The service, although not five star, or top of the range, it is friendly, it is done with a passion that he hasn't seen in years. 

The old war remnants are still visible, but the small country is turning itself around to be a wonderful tourist destination. The people are rebuilding lives and legacies and it is clear to see, it is amazing to see in person. 

Bucky turns to the water as a huge splash is heard. Several people laugh and they help their friend out of the water who fell in. They're fishing and from the looks of it, it is a good catch. 

He smiles. 

One of the men sees him and calls to him. 

Bucky answers back. The dialect is flawless. 

He nods. 

He is just invited to dinner. 

They point to a place on the land and he nods. After the small cruise he will make his way over. 

Halong Bay is turning beautiful in the slowly turning of the sun, the dusk starting to settle. 

This was a chance to turn bad memories of Vietnam into good ones. 


	318. bantam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> recovery wakanda

13 Nov Bantam

Bucky and Steve are sitting outside the palace grounds, an open field with people running around, sitting and relaxing and children playing. Between all of this is a few varieties of chickens running around. Which in turn is great fun for the kids. 

Steve is watching them with a smile, his eyes following them around. Bucky's eyes are on the field but his mind is elsewhere. 

"Buck… How much do you remember of our summers as kids?" 

Bucky didn't answer. 

Steve frowns and leans forward so he could see Bucky's face more clearly. There is a small smile on his face, his body relaxed but his eyes staring ahead. 

Steve wants to ask the question again. He wants to touch Bucky, ask him what he is thinking, what he is remembering, but he doesn't. He watches his friend's face, the blue clear eyes, the few lines on his forehead, the fullness of his lips… he watches the sun and wind slowly shine and move through his hair and his hands itches for a pencil. 

Then Bucky blinks. 

The eyes lose that vacant look and he turns to Steve. His eyes just a little bit brighter. 

"Hey…" Steve softly speaks. 

"We used to run around like that, didn't we? After the chickens near the docks…"

"We did, after old Harry's priced bantams…"

"They were actually normal chickens, not bantams, certainly not prized though."

"No...they weren't, but it was a nice prize to have one on some Sundays." Steve answers, his face revealing the mirth. Bucky chuckles softly. 

"Yeah… That was a good Sunday."


	319. lazy and lovely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre war

14 Nov lazy and lovely 

It was a quiet day, a summer afternoon and the sun high in the sky. Apparently it was another heat wave that is setting heavy on New York. Bucky and Steve didn't care, it was too hot to care. 

The window was open but the curtains were hanging quietly even if Bucky would glare at it every couple of minutes. 

“It’s not going to move, by the sheer will power of your glare Buck.” Steve offered, using a blank page to try and fan himself cool. 

“A small breeze… is that so hard to ask for?” 

“No, but I doubt the curtains are the cause of the wind.” 

“Still, they could help.” 

Some time later, they still hadn't gotten up when the door opened and Becca came in.

“Are you two going to sit here the whole day?”

“Yup.” 

“Yes.” They answered simultaneously. 

“Let’s go dancing.” 

“Eeughh….” 

Becca rolled her eyes and placed her hands on her hips.

“So you’re not going to do anything?” 

Both shake her head. 

“So lazy and lovely laying on the sofa and floor is your plan for the rest of your day?” 

Both nod.

“You two are impossible.” 

Both smile.

“It wasn’t a compliment.”

Both frown.

Throwing her hands up she flops down next to Steve on the sofa.

“I give up with you two!” 

“Thanks sis.” 

“It’s not so bad Bec, you can borrow my sheet…” Steve offers and Bucky lets out a snort. 


	320. Two way street

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

15 Nov Two way street

(a little scene continued from the prompt nov3 untoward) 

Both heard the jet before they saw it. It glided through the air and came to a stop right in front of them. 

To their surprise, it's Shuri that climbs out, and she isn't looking too happy. 

"What happened? I know that look White wolf, what happened?" 

To Sam's utter shock and surprise he could see the first tear running down Bucky's face as he just shook his head before hugging her close. 

She closes her eyes as she holds him. When she opened them she turned to Sam. 

"What did Captain Rogers do?" 

Sam glanced at Bucky before taking a breath. 

"He took the stones back, stayed in the past, got married, had kids, didn't save Bucky, and is an old wrinkled man."

Shuri stared and stared some more. Sam could see the words processing in her mind and the revelation spread across her face. Her eyes like sharp daggers and her fists are small round concrete balls. 

"He didn't… he wouldn't leave Bucky to that…"

Sam just shakes his head slowly, and Shuri stops talking for a minute before she yells loudly and then has a 2 minute diatribe in her language and Bucky and Sam share a look. She was furious and the click sounds of the language were prominent. 

Bucky takes her hand. 

"Princess."

Shuri stops immediately, her eyes bright with unshed tears. 

"I'm so sorry Wolf, let's go home. You don't have to see him. Ever if that's what you want. Does he know you're coming home with us?" 

Bucky shakes his head. 

"Good. Let's go. We can have ice cream and eat snacks."

Bucky turns to Sam, holding out his hand. Sam shakes it immediately. 

"Wilson, thank you. I'll see you around."

"Take care Barnes, and remember it's a two way street, you don't have to do anything alone. Stay in touch okay, and let me know when I can come and visit."

Bucky smiles, sadly. 

"I will. What will you tell… Him?" 

Shuri turns to Sam to hear his answer. Sam's face turns hard. 

"The truth."


	321. He knows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

16 Nov he knows

(Couldn't help it, it goes on from nov3 untoward and 15 two way street) 

Shuri and Bucky are watching a romcom, each with a bowl of ice-cream and chocolate sauce. 

"You know, this is the fifth teenage romantic comedy we're watching, half of them follows the exact story." Bucky comments with another spoon of ice-cream. 

"So? They tweak it a bit here and there, like your fighting, tweak a punch here, modify a kick there in the end you get the same result." Shuri replies, without a care. 

"How many are there?" Bucky asks and instantly regrets it as Shuri gets a very broad smile. 

"Can't be that much right…." 

"Oh… MyMy dear dear White Wolf… There are so many…. And we're only on American Hollywood… Then there is British, French, Italian… Korean." 

"You know what… Don't tell me."

Shuri just laughs in response and Bucky shakes his head. They have been watching movies from one genre to the next, Bucky knows it's her way to help him deal with the 'Steve time' issue. In a way it's helping, but Bucky knows it will take more than a few movies for him to get over what Steve did. 

Just as they moved on to the next movie on the list, Bucky's phone rang. It's a video call. 

Sam. 

Bucky and Shuri share a smile before he answers. This has become a thing between them. Video calling. 

"Hey Wilson."

"Hey Sam!" 

"Y'all… how's it going?" 

"Good. We're watching romcoms…"

Bucky sighs. 

"There are so many."

Sam snickers. 

"Yeah, but it's a great way to get girls… or boys….. I think.."

"Shuri just giggles loudly causing the other two to shake their heads. 

"How's things on that side? "

"Good, as can be expected. The HQ is almost done, we will start training three weeks from now."

"And…" Bucky starts but couldn't finish. 

"He knows. He knows everything. How, ai don't know, I just told him, what we agreed on."

Bucky froze for a moment before his body sags.

"Since when? Did he say how?" Shuri asks, her hand already reaching for Bucky's. 

Sam shakes his head. 

"No, he arrived this morning, looking all stubborn and cornered me, with the rest, wanting to know if it's true."

"Shit."


	322. Sumatra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after endgame

17 Nov Sumatra 

Bucky, Sam, Sharon and Maria were sitting around the table, the new headquarters built and the Avengers ready to fight and defend once again. Fury is sitting at the end of the table, the screens behind him showing news reports across the globe. 

“Okay, so the meeting is just to get the basics down, and decide what will be on top of the priorities. Some disasters we can’t do much about except sending aid. The biggest concern however is the San Andreas fault line, and the ring of fire, concerning natural disasters. All others are mostly man made and we can intervene as necessary.” 

“How active is the ring of fire? Is it a cause for tsunamis as well?” Bucky asks, speaking for the first time, since the meeting started. Fury looked down on his notes before he answered. 

“Not at this moment, Sumatra had a 3.3 last week, no alarm for tsunamis were sounded, but they do think that the earth’s crust is more unstable than before. Several places that haven’t had earthquakes in years, even centuries are experiencing movement.” 

“We need to keep in mind about the vulcanos as well...it could cause a chain reaction.” Sam added. 

“We made a note of that, Princess Shuri said she has technology to monitor that, and will keep us up to date as soon as anything changes.” 

Everyone sighs and looks around. Fury closed the file.

“I don’t need to tell you all, exactly how messed up this is, the damage the war has done, personally, yet on an international scale. The best we can do, is to offer help and service wherever possible. I also have the utmost faith and confidence in all of you to do this.”

Bucky and the others look around and at each other. It won’t be easy, but it won’t be impossible. 


	323. Not a good man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> during endgame

18 Nov not a good man 

Bucky stands next to the tree, his hands in his pockets. Nrucis setting up the platform and the machines that will take the stones back to their original time. It will also take Steve away. 

No one knows. But Bucky knows. Steve is pretending it will all be fine, he will go back and come back. 

He won't. 

Bucky made it as long as he did, by reading people, reading body language, reading the moment. And everything in him is telling him, Steve is leaving. Steve, isn't Steve anymore. There is something different about him. 

Maybe he should go back, maybe he will find what he lost….

Bucky has never pretended to be anything else than what he is. He is not a good man, he is not deserving of rest. He is a soldier, he may be allowed a chance to redeem himself. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. 

He hears them, before he sees them. Sam and Steve. 

_ 'I hope you said your goodbyes, Sam.' _

Oh..

You think he is coming back. 

Bucky feels the unease in his stomach. He used to be like that, he used to be filled with hope, expectations and positivity. Now… 

The world is a cruel teacher. 

Just like Steve, a cruel man for not saying goodbye. 


	324. Kindness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

19 Nov kindness

Bucky saw the small footprints immediately as he left his hut. Three sets of small footprints in front of his hut, they came to the door, peeked in, saw him asleep and left. 

Bucky smiles as he walks to the lake. He isn't worried, they will be back. 

They're here every day, looking for the strange white man, trying his hand at farm work. 

They think it's highly entertaining. Glancing around the ground Bucky can feel the tension leaving his shoulders. He loves it here. 

It's been years since he was received with such kindness, such understanding and with open arms, and an open heart. 

He may not know what the future holds, but he knows one thing. If needed, he will fight for this place, with everything in him, and every skill he has learned. 

This place keeps him safe, he will keep it safe. 


	325. Green grass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> during endgame

20 Nov green grass

Bucky is looking down, he can't find it in him to look up. If he looks up, he will be reminded that he is among some of the strongest and bravest people he has ever met. He can hear Pepper's soft sons, he can feel little Morgan's fear, pain, and questioning thoughts. _'Why is her Dad gone?' 'What will she and her mom do now?_ ' She misses him already and Bucky feels so guilty. He wishes he could exchange places with Tony. It would be more fitting. Tony had everything to live for, Bucky had every reason to die for something good, instead of bad. 

He knows there is nothing he can do. He feels the support of Wanda and Sam next to him. Steve isn't with him, Steve chose to stand with the others. With the men he fought with, not against. 

The green grass is soft, and bright, but the atmosphere is dark, somber. 

He wonders if he could ask Shuri if he can go back with them. There's nothing for him here anymore. Not really. He wants to go hide in his hut, he wants to walk barefoot on the green grass next to the lake. 

He doesn't believe belong here, amongst these heroes. That's what they are. Heroes. 

Bucky has never been one. He was a soldier, a villain.


	326. Wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame  
> Another go at Steve...

21 Nov wait

It was late, already a few minutes past midnight, but to Bucky it meant it was still the same day as yesterday, the day Steve left. The day Steve decided he wasn't happy with the cards he was dealt with and decided to speak to the dealer and changed tables. 

Bucky hasn't really spoken to Steve since the morning, the whole passively avoiding him, if that was possible. He was in the same room, but made sure someone else was there or would talk generic like.. "I'm going to make some coffee.. Anyone else want some?" He knew Steve wanted to talk to him, he could see it in those blue eyes surrounded by wrinkles and passed time. Bucky had absolutely nothing to say to him, not anymore. What he does want to say isn't 'proper conversation material' what he wants to do is leave. To run away and never come back. 

Maybe he should. 

He was able to do it for two years, he can do it again. The world is off kilter it's the perfect time to disappear. 

Maybe in the morning. Sitting on the porch overlooking the garden and the night sky, is too relaxing to get up. Plus he should wait for Sam to wake up, to say goodbye. 

"Buck…"

Bucky turns to the sound to see Steve in the doorway dressed warm and cosy in a big cardigan. He looks every bit the old grandpa he probably is. Bucky didn't even bother to ask. 

Not answering Bucky just stares at him, watching him walk out and standing at the railing. 

"We haven't had a chance to speak since this morning, I can't help but think it's intentional on your part."

Bucky continues to stare. There is no one here, he doesn't have to play nice. 

"I know this is a shock but I need to know what's wrong, you're my best friend. I value your friendship."

"Who was your _best friend_ this past 60, 70 years, or however long it was? Who was your best man?" Bucky's voice was cold, empty and Steve flinched. 

"Buck."

This was the moment, Bucky knew it and if he wants to leave, he needs to close this part of his life. He stands up and walks toward Steve. 

"If you valued me, you wouldn't put yourself in a position to lose me. I'm not some loose change between sofa cushions, unless that's what you think I am. That's what you made me, you couldn't handle me at my lowest, like I handled you, loved you at your lowest and treasured you at your height, but it wasn't your true height, the true epitome of what you could be. That was a couple days ago, when you rivaled with the gods of the universe. That was also the moment you realized you didn't have to settle for the life you got, like us normal mortals. That power, that privilege went to your head, it changed you. It changed everything you are and stood for. Or maybe… And this terrifies me more than Hydra ever could. Maybe it revealed you, the real you."

"Buck…" 

"I'm done with you, like you are clearly done with me, decades ago."

He will say goodbye to Sam some other time, now he needs to get away. 


	327. In captivity

22 Nov in captivity 

Even though on the run, Bucky can still take the time and appreciate his surroundings. This is a place he would return to, one day, under better circumstances. As a tourist, not a man on the run. The place is beautiful, just like the stories he once read as a child, when he and Steve would daydream, their extravagant castles in the sky. They were so young, so ignorant, so… innocent. A small of Bucky longs for that day, for that moment. Just to remember how it once felt. 

He can hear the ocean in the distance, he can smell the salt in the air, the humidity on his skin. Around him people are laughing, excited and kids are running around with balloons and ice-cream. The amusement park is on his left side, and the screams and happiness is contagious. 

Walking down the street, something caught his eyes, it’s a group of people under a gazebo tent, wearing white and blue shirts with caps on their heads. Around them are banners and posters. _ ‘Save the whales.’ _ He walks closer and picks up one of the pamphlets, he isn’t reading it, but listening to the young girl speaking to a couple interested in their cause. 

“... definitely. More than 91% of the whales that are bred in captivity since the industry began almost a hundred years ago have died. Killer whales normally lived up to 75 years in the wild, but only about 25 years in captivity. It is animal abuse, and people pay a lot of money for it. It should stop. Animals and the abuse of animals is not meant for humans to enjoy. The industry is sick and we will stop it, this organisation is to release whales and any animal back where they belong. How would you feel if you were a captive meant for human’s enjoyment and sick idea of what fun should be?” 

_ Horrible. Painful. Wishing to die. Excruciating… _

The words come up in Bucky’s mind without a second thought. He would know. He knows what it feels like, and he hated it. 

He reads the pamphlet and listens some more. They want money, donations and names to fight the establishment, something Bucky can identify with. 

He looks at the paper where you can fill your name in, and the envelopes where you can donate money too. He picks it up. 

Ten minutes later, Bucky is standing behind a nearby tree, listening to the people, he saw them pick up an envelope. They opened it. He can feel the joy, the sudden burst of emotion as he watches the girl gasping before starting to cry. Her colleague walks closer. 

“Ames...what is it…?” 

“Look!” She shows him the envelope. They check the names. 

“A….B. Buchanan...50 000 Dollars!” 

Bucky walks away. It’s not much, but it is all he has with him, Hydra can be so generous with their cash laying around….

+++

After Endgame.

Bucky is back in the city, as a tourist. He walks to the ocean, he reads the newspaper article. 

**“Yesterday, the last whale in captivity was set free.”**

Bucky smiles. 


	328. With fondness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda,   
> A small 'what if'

23 Nov with fondness

Shuri looks at Bucky, her heart breaking for him. He has made excellent progress since she removed the words, and he is really finding his place. Sometimes, however, life has a way to get at him, to throw him with a curveball. Like now.

He got in contact with a great niece, her grandmother was Rebecca, and she wants to get to know her uncle. He is a great uncle. She grew up with stories from her grandmother and what her grandmother told her, she believes. First things first. They will start slowly. 

What she did do was to send Bucky a few old boxes filled with letters and photos of his family. Bucky has been sitting under that tree for nearly six hours now. Just going through letter after letter, looking at the photos for time on end. 

"What do I do?" Shuri looks at Bucky who was looking back at her, his eyes red. He has been crying..a lot. 

She made her way to him and sat down next to him. 

"About?" 

"This? I want to know them, but I don't want to know them, what if they.. I'm not that man anymore Shuri."

"That's true, but I think your sister raised no cowards or scaredy cats. They know what happened, and they know deep down, what kind of man you are, and that's who they want to get to know. Start small." Bucky smiles at that, and she can see his eyes filling with pride. 

"But...Becca… I missed her… she will never know… What do I do?" 

Shuri picks up a picture. 

"You look at these, with fondness and with love, and you keep them safe to your heart, and let it guide you through your relationship with her family, with your family and she will know. She will know her brother is still the best man she has ever met."

Bucky looks down and Shuri sees his shoulders shake. She puts her arm around him. 

" Trust me White Wolf, she knows.. She still loves you, more than you know. Just because she's dead, doesn't mean she loves you less, she just loves you differently."


	329. Hedge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

24 Nov hedge

The cabin was quiet, the surrounding area was still and serene, for some reason even the full moon was a bit brighter and the birds were chirping. It was loud with nature and soft with human noise. Then again Bucky and Sam weren't much of noise makers anyhow. Sam was sitting at the kitchen counter, the shield in his room, papers and statements in front of him. 

He looked concerned. 

Bucky knew why, after five years of being gone, the world economy basically had such a knock that most people are either declared dead, and have no more money, in any form, or do those that weren't declared dead have no money or savings because everything crashed and there was no real growth. 

Watching Sam sigh again Bucky walks to the counter and sits opposite Sam. 

"Sam. Trust me when I say this, we're going to be okay. I made provisions, let me do this for you, for us…"

Sam glances up. A frown on his face. 

"What do you mean you have made provisions, all the provisions are gone man.." 

"Not all of them."

"I don't understand."

"When I was on the run, every Hydra base and safe house had a stack of money, cash, and I took it all. I invested it, put it in so many hedge funds, plus bought property, let's just say, I didn't put all my eggs in one basket." 

"Okay…. And…?"

"I will take care of it, us, you do the planning and the meetings, I'll do the staying alive and eat food end of the things."

"Barnes… How much are we talking about?" 

Bucky gives him a sly smile. 

"Enough to rival most of the richest in the world."

"Damn."

Sam looks down and up again. 

"Barnes.. I can't…"

"Yes you can. We're in this together now, and we will make it. Okay. Like it or not, we're all we got."

Sam looks like he wants to say something but just shakes his head. How did Steve leave this man? 

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. So stop worrying, you're already got signing power on everything, I'll show the accounts and passwords tomorrow, let's have a beer and just enjoy..not fighting."


	330. Dual effort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During ww2

25 Nov dual effort

Dundum and Bucky share a wide smile amidst the carnage and fire around them. In the distance they can hear shots being fired without seizing or without any rhythm. It's just shoot shoot shoot. Like a war. 

Gabe is checking the radio while Fernier is looking for anything he can take with him. Any weapons or info. It's not been the best day for the enemy. 

"Told ya Sarge, one boom and the tank is history!" Dundum exclaimed, walking over to Bucky who was looking at what used to be a tank. 

"Yeah, you were right, but it was a dual effort, we did good, the team did good."

"Yes we did, now all we have to do is go back to base, get some sleep, enjoy a long… well, longer than usual, shower, and then a night out. I bet I can hear a bottle calling our names Sarge."

Bucky tilts his head. 

"You know what Dumdum, I think you're right, maybe the bottle has a friend, make it a real party."

Dumdum burst out laughing before he took a deep breath, his face suddenly serious. 

"Sarge, this was a good run, but we need to make sure there is nothing left that we can't use to counter the next strike. This was a very lucky day for us."

"I hear you. We need to scout the entire area before returning, I don't want to leave something that can come back and bite us in the but."

"Hear hear."

Bucky watched as Dumdum left to check on the rest of the team, Bucky took a moment to collect his thoughts. They were able to stop this shipment of weapons, but the war is far from over. They need to be prepared for what's coming, whatever that may be. 


	331. Vivid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda.
> 
> Been a while since I had a nice Steve.

26 Nov vivid

It was just after two in the morning, both Steve and Bucky were still up, the laptop on between them. Steve looks at his watch. 

"Oh my goodness, Buck, did you see the time? We lost completely track of the time."

Bucky checked the time in the corner of the laptop.

"Oh… Well… now I know what Shuri meant with binge watching. We had to finish the series."

"True, anyhow, it's not so bad, we don't have much to do tomorrow, so we can sleep in - if those f…." 

"Don't swear at them… ThThey're not so bad." Bucky interrupted with a smug smile.

Steve rolls his eyes.

"Fine… If the precious goats don't wake us early."

"Depends, but I think we will be fine, they're not always as rowdy as this morning."

"Yeah well… LeLet's wait and see." 

Smiling Steve got up to throw away the snack papers and empty beer bottles while Bucky made sure everything was locked and off before they made their way to the bed. The bed was big and comfortable enough for both of them, Shuri especially had it made for two super soldiers. Every time Steve comes to visit they use that bed. 

After brushing teeth and doing their night routine they climb in bed. It was still reasonably light, the moon shining in, causing a soft blue glow on everything. 

Still running on the excitement of the series both weren't too tired, or sleepy yet. Instead they talked, they talked about any and everything. The next series, their plans for the day when they wake up, things they want to do and everything in between. 

It was another hour later when the conversation started to slow down, with more pauses in between, the tiredness catching up. The subjects were more personal and more revealing in the dark. 

Bucky, took a moment before he turned to Steve. 

"Stevie…?" 

"Yeah Buck?" 

"Can I tell you something?" 

"Anything, you know that."

"I do… You know how they say there is something about 3am talks…" 

"Yeah, about it being more open, more intimate…we used to talk a lot, not only at those times… I only realized about a year ago, about the term… it's true."

"Yes, it is. So Uhm.. I just want you to know, the first real memory, the one that was more vivid, more tangible than any other memory, is… Was… you. I guess I just want to say thank you for that."

Steve reached with his hand until he reached Bucky's. Their hands clasped together, grounding each other. 

"You're welcome. I will always be there for you." 

"I know." 


	332. Tunnel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During The First Avenger

27 Nov tunnel

Bucky didn't think, he just grabbed Steve who, somehow just made a miraculous jump and didn't even break a sweat, or a groan. The fire however, did allow some sweat. 

They stumbled to the first safe staircase to go down and to get out of the building, who is very close to blowing completely up in smoke and rubble. 

They rushed down, taking two to three steps at a time. All the exits were blocked and the only option was what looked like a tunnel. 

With a shared glance and grabbing a metal stick with a sharp edge they started walking. Bucky watches as Steve clutch the shield, and there was some paper behind it. Frowning he waited till Steve put it down to remove some big rubble. 

It was quite dark with some light here and there. 

"Is… This… a speech? This is normal wood, it's so flimsy… What the hell…? Steve?" Looking up he recognized the look. 

"Aaw fuck Steve, what did you do?" 

"It's… A long story.." 

Bucky closed his eyes. 

"It's one of those I shouldn't really hear, not unless I want to yell at you, right?" 

Steve didn't answer. His face says it all. 

"Oh God dammit Rogers!" 

"Come on, I'll give you the short version."

"Give me the one least likely to get you punched."

"That version doesn't exist… Sorry Buck." Steve smiles, trying to look innocent but failing. 

"At least pretend to be sorry."

"Okay…." 


	333. Fainted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before war

28 Nov fainted 

Bucky and Steve is sitting on the bench, in the small courtyard at the hospital. For once, it is not Steve in hospital, then again, it is bad. Very bad. It's Sarah, Steve's mom, and instead of waiting for her to finish her swift, it is to wait for the doctor's prognosis. 

Bucky knows it is bad, he didn't need the doctor to tell him that, and from the look of Steve's face, neither did he. 

They knew what most of the patients in the hospital were suffering from, they knew how quickly it could be picked up. The nurses and doctors can do all they can, in the end, sometimes life just doesn't work that way. 

Which is exactly what is happening here. Sarah, a nurse got TB, both know it, the symptoms are there, but the doctor will confirm. 

Bucky replays the scene in his head, Steve and Bucky entered the house and saw her laying on the floor in the kitchen, she was busy making dinner for her and Steve. She fainted, they got her to the hospital, and know they are waiting. 

They saw the illness raging through her body, breaking it down and causing her to lose strength by the minute. Sarah was strong and brave, but her body was always a bit smaller, a bit weaker than the rest. Poor living and a hard life took its toll. 

"Why is the doctor taking so long?" Steve asks, running his hands through his hair again. Bucky didn't know what to say, he wanted the doctor to come out, but he also knew the moment the doctor came out, they would wish he never did. This… is some sort of impasse, a calm before the storm. 

Bucky looks back at Steve. 

"I don't know, maybe they're talking to your mom?" 

"You'd think she's awake?" 

"Dunno, we'll have to wait and see."

"I hope so."

"Me too."


	334. Blackest Friday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before Civil War  
> Some introspection

29 Nov blackest friday

One thing Bucky really struggled while on the run was the whole concept of 'black Friday'. 

He couldn't understand the rush and the excessive need to buy stuff they either already have, or don't need. For some reason, most of the specials also seem to be on appliances and things that are mostly luxurious, not essential needs. For example, the TV is almost half priced, but the bread and canned food is maybe on. 10% discount. 

Maybe he is looking at it wrong, he is remembering the struggle for food, for clothes and medicine, not TV's and cameras. He would love it if back then there was a buy their bread for the price of one… HeHe and Steve would have felt like Christmas came early. 

Not to mention the meds, goodness he would have stocked up. 

But. 

The world is different now. 

Everything is different. 

He can hear the people talking that this is the blackest friday ever, and they saved up for months. Bucky remembers a black Friday back in ww2, but it wasn't about sales.

His Hydra Fridays were not much better, from what he can remember. 

He may be slowly regaining his memories, but with that, comes a new set of emotions and things he needs to accept and progress. The world is different, and he is different. Now, he should find a balance. 


	335. Done for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame. Bucky at the hut

30 Nov done for

_ As life walks by _

_ I turn to you by my side, _

_ But it is empty, only a void remains  _

Bucky closes the book with a loud thud and drops it on the table before standing up and walking to the door. He swung it open and watched the snow slowly drifting down to the ground. Some flakes melt, others grab onto another piece of snowflake and grow bigger. 

Bucky thinks he is the flake that melts, always alone always trying to find a way to land without hurting. 

The house feels claustrophobic but it's not really good to go out in this weather. Even if he is a soldier. Then again he is used to weather like this, he is usually made to complete missions in this, or do training. Now, he is watching it, his thoughts all over the place. 

Sam is probably still in the office, reading or preparing for tomorrow's meeting. Bucky isn't in the mood, and had already made excuses on why he can't go. He is not ready to face them all. He definitely doesn't want to face him. After everything he has done for him….. 

No. He will not go down that road. Glancing at the inside of the hut, Bucky makes up his mind and walks out, closing the door behind him. Sitting on the small chair he watches the wind and snow falling. The cold calms him. The cold feels familiar, and safe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for only pasting now.


	336. Chlorine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Endgame

* * *

* * *

1 Dec Chlorine

Sam walks closer to the pool to see the figure gliding through the water and a great speed. He sighs. Barnes is apparently skilled in everything, even swimming. 

“Asshole.” 

Bucky’s head breaks through the surface, removing his goggles to look at Sam.

“What?”

“I said I hope the chlorine in the water makes you sneeze!” Sam replies. 

Bucky rolls his eyes and smiles before he slowly makes his way to the steps and climbs out. His towel is right next to Sam, who isn’t even attempting to make a move, instead he folds his arms. 

“Hmmm…” 

Bucky makes a dramatic effort to move past Sam to pick up his towel, still smiling. 

“Nothing.” 

As he starts to dry himself he turns back to Sam.

“So, what brings you here?”

“We’re moving out tomorrow, London. A meeting with some ministers and political leaders about moving forward, Scott and Hope is coming too.” 

“Wanda?” 

Sam shakes his head.

“She feels as if she is going to cause problems, she wasn’t really met with kindness before.” 

Bucky snorts. 

“Me neither, can I stay?” 

“No. you’re my wingman now.” 

“Hmmmm… you do know we need to talk with Wanda, her fear is unfounded. She will be a great member, she has so much potential.”

“I know, I’m hoping we can both talk to her, convince her to give us a chance.” 

“I’m behind you.” 

“Thank you. Now get dressed before the women in the Compound swoons..” 

Bucky bursts out laughing but picks up his shirt. 


	337. red light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During Bucky as Winter soldier years
> 
> I'm so sorry I didn't update yesterday, work was so hectic, month end figures and stuff, and then I had to help a friend whose car broke down, only got home late.

2 red light

Everytime. He doesn’t remember much, but one thing he does remember is when he is the metal and glass container, it will be a long time before he gets out again. And when that red light goes on, he will go to  _ sleep _ . At least that is what he thinks he does, he just knows he closes his eyes, then there is nothing and when he opens his eyes time has passed. Sometimes he even has a new handler, someone to read out that book and give him orders. 

The metallic door slides shut with a low thud and it is silent. Not a sound comes out, he can see the people talking, they are pushing buttons, but he is alone. 

The red lights start to flicker and he wants to reach out, he wants to open the door and get out, but he can’t. He is sealed inside. The _sizzzzz_ of the ice cold mist starts at his feet and he doesn’t even feel it anymore, he is always cold. The mist rises and he feels his fingers tingling, the tips blue. His breath is visible and he wants to scream. “No…. not again…” but not a sound comes out, his mouth stays close. The mist rises up to his face and the last thing he remembers as he closes his eyes is  _ ‘when will it end?’  _


	338. Out for a duck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> recovery wakanda

3 Dec out for a duck

Bucky is sitting on the bottom corner of the steps, the game one, and the crowd cheering. He admittedly doesn’t know the first thing about Cricket, so of course Shuri dragged him to a day of fun and games. It’s two high schools competing with each other, just a good friendly game. There are no prices to be won, no status to defend. It is just a bunch of guys enjoying the day and having some fun. 

So far, Bucky has to admit, the game isn't that much exciting, but he cheers when he has to, and he smiles when everyone else does. He has been observing the game for a few hours now, and with his skills, he picked up the rules very quickly. He knows if he was playing, he would have won, he knows how to hit something and make it good. That small ball would be a long distance away if he was batting.

“So, how do you like it so far?” Shuri asks, sitting next to him, her eyes bright and cap on her face. Her throat is scratchy from all the screaming and cheering. She certainly loves this game. 

“It is quite interesting, I didn’t know the game could go for so long.” 

“Long… ? This is only five hours, it’s still in the beginning stages, you should see the tournaments that can go on for days.” 

“Days?” Bucky asks, his eyes wide. 

Shuri nods with enthusiasm. 

“Oh, yes, they are a bit boring, I will admit, but still good, it’s a good way to be surprised, everything can happen…. Oh wait…. Come on!” Shuri trails off her attention on the field, cheering for the batsman...he thinks they are called.” 

“Oh dammit, that was so close!” Shuri cried out and they watched the man walk off the field, he didn’t score anything.

“Is he out now?” 

“Yup, out for a duck, that sucks.”

“Our for a what?” Bucky asks, not really understanding.

“He didn’t score anything, so it’s a zero, and ducks eggs look like a zero, it’s a cricket term. Just go with it.” 

“Ok, if you say so.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it obvious I don't know much about cricket :) ;) 😁😂


	339. love actually

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after endgame

4 Dec love actually 

_ 10 March 2024 _

_ So, another few years gap in my journal entries… 5 years to be exact. I turned a few pages back… big mistake. It was still 2018 and Steve and I were still strengthening our friendship and he would come and visit in Wakanda. Now… I’m alone again. Steve left, willingly, I never did. I would have… regardless. I don’t know why I’m writing in this fucking damn book. It only hurts. The one time I would actually welcome the idea of forgetting. To wake up in the morning and not feel the agonizing pain of once again losing  _ _ the one _ _ losing everything that mattered to me. That kept me alive, that made me want to be better. Gone. poof, five, four three, two, one… gone…. Replaced by a stranger. Did he want me to know what it feels like? To see a stranger where once your best friend was? Well, it certainly worked. _

_ Today is my birthday, do I want to celebrate it? No. Do I want well wishes and hugs? Maybe… not really, depending on who… that sounds mean, I’m sorry.  _

_ I miss my family, I miss my life, I miss being the man I used to be, untainted by this world and it's cruelty. I don’t know why I am still alive, I don’t know why I can’t just get the rest I so fervently long for? It’s not that much to ask, just… let me rest. I won’t bother anyone.  _

_ Anyway.  _

_ He sent a text last night. ‘Can we meet up tomorrow for your birthday, I have a gift for you. And want to take you to lunch.’ I genuinely rather eat mud to be honest. I didn’t reply. Why should I? To hear pathetic words and sugar coated words and excuses? No thank you.  _

_ He told Sam he did what he did for love, and correct me if I’m wrong, I am a former brainwashed soldier, but that’s not love? Love, actually is supposed to be there, to let her live her life, which she did, before he robbed her of the family she had and replaced it with his. That’s manipulation. That's a bully. Or I didn’t get the new memo of what love is supposed to be. I just know, if that is love, I think I’ll stick to being hated. To the core, if that’s love, then what Hydra did to me, was love. They manipulated me, they changed me, they robbed me of the life I was having, for the one they want. Just like what he did… I don’t think I can accept that. I can’t make peace with that.  _

_ I think I will stay home today, maybe take a walk in the forest next to the cabin, I will find more peace there anyway. I’m going to stop writing now. I will only write things that are negative, that hurts, and then I will hurt. Some things aren't meant to be written down, or told. They should be kept secret, they should be kept as little seeds in the mind.  _

  
  
  



	340. Of royal blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

5 Dec of royal blood

Bucky is still in shock, standing on the balcony, overlooking the courtyard of the palace. His hand is resting on the railing, his fingers clenching the bar. He isn't scared of falling down or anything like that, he is clutching to somehow keep his emotions under control. He isn't really keen on crying his eyes out here in public. 

"How did it go?" 

Bucky just smiled as he turned to the voice on his right, he saw her running up the stairs towards him. 

"You know exactly how it'd go, don't you?" 

Bucky asked his eyes bright. Shuri started smiling widely before nodding enthusiastically. 

"Yes I do! But still it's good to hear it from you. So… Is it official?" 

Bucky nods before swallowing the lump in his throat. 

"I don't know how, I don't know why. I only know that my gratitude is beyond measure, I don't know how to ever repay you, any of you. You are of royal blood, I'm of Irish descent, part of immigrants trying to rebuild a life in a whole different country. You know my history, and yet, you and your family, bought me into yours. How can I ever repay you?"

"You don't. You're family now. Diplomatic immunity wherever you go. You're part of Wakanda now. Your family, and family don't repay."


	341. Tennis balls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

6 dec tennis balls

Bucky follows the sound of the the thud thud and squeaking tyres. The gym is fantastic in the new compound, every single thing he can think of is there, every piece of equipment, all the different types of exercises and routines. The swimming pool is massive, the weights state of the art, there is even sports grounds for team sports. Which is the direction he is going to. Sam asked him to meet him once he is done and then they can both go back to the cabin. They arrived early for a few meetings and then will work out a bit before going back to the house. 

Wanda told Bucky that Sam is playing squash with one of the new members of the strike team. Bucky prefers exercising on his own, it just works better for him. Sam on the other hand, will do his routine but usually likes to end up with some sort of sport activity. 

He finds Sam running across the side hitting a tennis ball with great accuracy. Bucky smiles. Sam's skills have clearly improved since he has been practicing with the shield. He was quite good when he started but Bucky can clearly see the improvement in the way he moves to hit the ball. 

He walks over and sits down watching Sam move. The other guy is clearly losing, but it is a just practice and a bit of fun. 

They continued to play for another ten minutes when they stopped. Sam is clearly smug but trying to hide it. 

"Good game Finn."

"Yeah, you completely annihilated me, have you been practicing at that cabin?" 

Sam burst out laughing. 

"Not with tennis balls, Barnes over here is some sparring partner, had to improve on my side stepping skills."

Bucky just smiles as they look at him, Sam was relaxed and open but Bucky could see that Finn was still a bit sceptical about him. Bucky didn't flinch or showed any emotion, he was used to it, and although it stung, there was nothing he could do about it. It will take time. 

Finn said his goodbyes and left them alone. 

"You have improved since practicing with the shield." Bucky says as Sam sits next to Bucky drinking some water. 

Sam smiles. 

"Yeah, but I can't say that now, plus the sparring with you certainly helps as well. Even if you're taking it easy on me."

"I'm not going to hurt you Sam." Bucky replied all serious. Sam nods. 

"I know. I appreciate it. Let's go shower and go home okay?" 

"Yeah, I had enough of this place."


	342. Southern hemisphere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ww2

7 southern hemisphere

The night is beautiful, the sky is clear, for once. The stars are bright and every time Bucky takes a breath soft whispers of white leaves his mouth and disappears into the air. 

He can hear soft rumbling in the distance and occasionally the sky would lit up with fire and light. 

This cigarette is long cold and the ash blown away, but he still holds on to the filter, he will throw it out later. Reaching towards the sky he uses the filter to trace the star constellations in the sky. Orion the hunter… Cancer, Leo…. He Is no expert but he can distinguish between most of the stars. He even knows Sirius… Orion, one of the most famous constellations in the world, in every hemisphere. He knows the Southern Cross is the Southern hemisphere, especially loved for its navigation. In the end, it doesn't matter, the stars shine under each and every person at one point in their lives. Take tonight. It is shining thousands of miles above the sky, on the good guys and the bad guys. On the dead and the living. 

In the distance there is another loud bang and the sky lights a bit more. 

Bucky sighs. 

Clearly shining more on the dead than the living, then again, the dead are the bad guys and Bucky and his team is still alive. Can't wish for more tonight than that. 


	343. Bloemfontein

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

8 dec bloemfontein

The smell is absolutely enticing, the sweet aroma filling the air and immediately putting a smile on Bucky’s face. He follows T'Challa down the corridor where laughter can be heard. 

"The smell gets me every time. It's one of my few weaknesses. I bought Nakia here for our first official date." T'Challa's voice is wistful as he speaks. Bucky glances at him, smiling softly. It's a tender moment and Bucky isn't exactly sure why the King is sharing it with him, but he isn't going to complain. 

"She must have loved it?" 

"Oh she did. My mother reprimanded me, saying I could have ruined her showcase of roses, she was planning on having it being part of the Rose festival in Bloemfontein that year. She worked on it all year, to get it just right."

"Did you ruin it?" 

"Oh no, I was a cheeky child, not completely stupid." T'Challa offers with a smile and both start to laugh softly. 

"That is one way of putting it."

Both men turn to the voice to see the Queen and Shuri standing at a table, a container with soil and some straws, or what look like straws laying on top of it. Shuri is looking very intense at the samples. 

"Mother, Shuri…" 

"Your Majesty, Princess." Both greeted the two women as they walked closer. 

The Queen smiles invitingly. 

"You were a right nuisance, still are… some days.." Shuri offers and ducks as her mom tries to swat at her with one of the roses. 

"Behave young lady."

"Mom, what are you and Shuri doing, though we're going to have lunch?" T'Challa asks, still looking at the science stuff on the soil. 

"We are, Shuri is helping me with improving the ph level for my new roses, I'm trying to compose a new type of rose."

"I'm sure it will be marvelous." T'Challa replies. 

"Of course it will, I'm making it." Shuri added with a smug smile. 

T'Challa and Bucky share a look. 

Of course it will. 

"Come on, let's go eat, I'm starving." The Queen added before one of the siblings could say anything. Bucky just smiles and shakes his head. He really misses his family on days like this, but then again, are so thankful for this opportunity to be part of something again. Something pure and wholesome. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never knew, but Bloemfontein have a roses festival once a year, or competition where anyone can participate. I do know that the city is also romantically referred as the city of roses.


	344. Online order

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

9 online order

The notification broke the comfortable silence in the kitchen as both Bucky and Sam are breakfast. Frowning Bucky pulls out his phone to check the alert. 

"Everything okay?" Sam asks, seeing the reflection on Bucky’s face. Nodding Bucky puts the phone back in his pocket. 

"Yeah, one of my orders has just been shipped and will be here in the next hour or so."

"You know how to make an online order?" 

Sam asks, surprised, Bucky shrugs.

"Yeah, did it a lot back when I was on the run, it was easier that way." 

"Didn't they catch you, or discovered who you were?" 

"Nope. Used aliases. Hydra had multiple identities I could use."

Sam is quiet for a while, thinking about what Bucky said. Bucky watches him, a smile on his face. 

"You're surprised." 

"A little… IlI'll admit. It makes sense, I know you know what you're doing and you are good, it's just… HeHearing about it now, it hits differently, I suppose."

"Survival."

"Yeah."

Sam looks at Bucky before he slaps his hands together. 

"So… What did you order?" 

"Knives. And pepper gas greens."

"But… you can get that at the compound!" 

"Yeah, but there I have to fill in forms and get permission, online I don't. Just a credit card, a name and an address." 

"The name… Is It…" 

"Nope. That can be traced."

"Of course. Do I want to know what you use?" 

"Not really."


	345. Flip flops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two year on the run, before Civil War

10 flip flops

Bucky eye the box with a raised eyebrow. The box stares back, which is quite a feat since it is an inanimate object. 

He can hear the ocean in the distance, the waves breaking on the rocks, and the seagulls screaming in the distance. The closest village is almost three miles away and he is alone in the cave, and this side of the island. 

Although not planning on staying too long on the island, he is planning on enjoying the small reprieve it offers. He can blend in, he is quite isolated and no pressing need to be anywhere else. He found the box at the local shop, it was on the 'must have' shelf and the shop assistant promised him, he would need it, and he would love it. 

Tha has yet to be seen. 

Still. 

Bucky finishes his morning coffee and opens the box. Two soft, but strong leather flip flops, or 'summer sandals' are neatly side by side with a paper around it. 

Removing it, he looks at it, before he looks at his feet. He has never, wore anything like this, there wasn't really something like this back in his time, and with Hydra…. 

He is on the run, trying to get his memory back, but also a chance to create new ones, happy ones. Putting the shoes on, he can't stop the smile on his face as it instantly feels comfortable. He walks out of the cave with the shoes on, and short swimwear shorts. He is wearing a t-shirt and has several weapons, but he feels…. Calm, relaxed and comfortable. 

Maybe he will stay a few days longer on this island before making his way to the next stop. 

Today, however, is for him alone. 


	346. Winter white

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid Bucky

11 Dec winter white

The whining was getting on Bucky's nerves, but he also secretly loved it. It means his sister is really desperate for his attention, and that's something he can appreciate. Don't get him wrong, he loves and absolutely adore his sisters, but sometimes they can be a handful. 

Still, he is quite capable of handling them. 

"Buuuckkyyyyyyy. Come on…." 

Making a huge show of sighing dramatically Bucky sits down on the bed. 

"Oh okay…"

"Yeahhhh." Smiling, Bucky pulls the bed covers tight around his sister before laying next to her. 

"One story and then you have to sleep ya hear?" 

"Yes. Make it a long story though."

"You're very picky for someone who is in no position to make demands." Bucky replies with a smile. Becca mirrors his smile. 

"I got you here didn't I?" 

Bucky's mouth fell open, but he couldn't think of a reply. After all, it's true. 

Shaking his head, he starts. 

"It was a long and cold night, the winter white snow heavy on the roofs…."


	347. June

12 Dec june

Bucky watches as his sister walks down the street towards him, seeing a bunch of men eyeing her, he clenches his fists. 

"Jimmy, I'll be right back." He throws over his shoulder as he sprints towards her, prohibiting her from coming any closer, and from the men at the docks making unnecessary comments. 

"Bucky!" Becca yells oblivious as she spots him. 

"What are you doing here, I told you to meet me after work?" 

"It's only ten minutes before your shift is over, so I thought I'd come and wait for you, why?" 

Sighing Bucky shakes his head. Not all men and boys are kind, and Becca is becoming one fine woman, and she doesn't belong here at the docks. 

"Never mind, it's fine, I appreciate it." 

"Good, now can you leave now, or should I just wait here. You still want to go get something for Steve's birthday next month right?" 

Bucky nods. 

"Yeah, absolutely. Can't believe June is almost over, I need to keep it secret too." 

"I'll hide it with me, at home, he'll never find it." Becca suggested. 

Bucky smiles widely. 

"That's a great idea. Wait let go check out and get my stuff, wait right here, don't come closer okay?" 

Rolling her eyes she agrees. 

"I'll be right back." Bucky promises again before quickly running back to get his stuff and clock out of work. He knows what he is going to buy for Steve, and if Steve asks he can say he and Becca went out, perfect alibi. 


	348. Holiday vibes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wakanda, recovery

13 Dec holiday vibes

It was hot, a really hot summer's day. Bucky and Steve are relaxing under a tree, their legs stretched out, both wearing swim shorts. 

"Feels weird, doesn't it?" Steve asks, taking a sip of his cold beer. Bucky glanced over at him, the cap low on his face. 

"What?" 

"This, summer in December…." 

Bucky smiles and Steve can feel that familiar ache and flash of guilt. He can't remember the last time Bucky looked calm like this, looked happy…and not haunted by his past. 

"Yeah, It is something different, usually this time we'd scramble to have enough money for medicine, we'd filled the sock holes for the tenth time, hoping it would last till spring… there would be worrying about the snow…. And now…"

"We're getting one hell of a tan." Steve finished for him. 

Bucky starts to laugh softly. 

"I will admit although the holiday vibes feel different than back then, and currently in New York, I'm happy we're on this side of the world, enjoying Christmas here in Wakanda." 

Reaching out his hand, Steve puts it on Bucky's shoulder and squeezes a bit. 

"Absolutely, although Buck… IdI'd take anything, any weather and any place as long as it is with you."

Bucky's blush was almost hidden behind the cap. 

"Thanks Steve… for the record. I feel the same."


	349. It's been four days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ww2. Prisoners

4 Dec it’s been four days

He was tired, so tired. Every bone in his body is aching, he can't remember the last time he slept through the night, never mind through the night, he can't remember when he actually slept. So far they have taken naps here and there, trying to catch a breather, or a prayer that can take time away and give them back some freedom. 

A snore can be heard next to him and Bucky turns to his side to see one of the fellow prisoners trying to crawl deeper into himself to hide from the cold. Bucky wishes he could, but he is so used to it by now, and wouldn't be able to fall asleep even if he could. 

"Sarge…" Bucky looks to the direction of the voice to see DumDum watching him. 

"Why aren't you resting? Bucky asked and only got a raised eyebrow in return. 

"Why aren't you?" 

Bucky shrugs. 

"I heard they're looking for someone new for the table…" DumDum whispers, making sure no one else can hear them. 

Shit. 

Bucky didn't like the sound of that one bit. 

"It hasn't been that long since they took one." Try as he might, Bucky can't keep the fear out of his voice. 

"It's been four days. Shorter than previously." DumDum answers and they both know, it isn't good. They've been captured for a while now, a couple weeks at least and still no sign of rescue. 

"I feel sorry for the one going in. None ever comes out." Bucky can't help but mention. DumDum nods. 

"God, I hate this place."

"Me too." Bucky mumbles. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the late post.


	350. Bungalow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

15 Dec bungalow

Bucky can feel the uneasiness slowly flowing out from his body and mind as he walks town the steps to the living room. He and Sam are going to visit Shuri and the others in Wakanda for the next few days. Shuri offered to help them with their suits and both agreed instantly. The Princess is truly remarkable when it comes to fighting suits and weapons. 

Now that both are part of the New Avengers and will be participating more in… Well fought with the bad guys, they need every bit of advantage they can get. 

"You're ready?" Sam asks the moment Bucky steps into the living room. 

"Yeah, all set. Are they close?" 

Sam nods. 

"Yeah, Shuri said the jet will land just outside.. And there they are…" Sam and Bucky look up as they can hear the sound of the jet approaching before coming to a stop. 

Smiling they make their way outside, each with their bags. Bucky has been longing to go back for a while now, things have been hectic and crazy, not to mention the fact that Steve left and they still haven't talked about it. Bucky refuses to talk to him. 

This little break is just perfect, he and Sam will stay in a bungalow, close to the palace, yet allowing some privacy, and the whole forest and trees behind them. Perfect. 

Plus, Steve can't get to him there, he can actually have some peace. Which is also why he is leaving his phone behind. If there is an emergency, they can call Sam, and the people he wants to talk to, he is visiting. All perfect. 

"Let's not keep them waiting." Bucky replies and walks outside, Sam following behind him. Both need this break, more than they will admit, to each other that is. To themselves, yeah, no problem admitting they want to get away for awhile. 

"Lead the way Barnes."


	351. Seldom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

16 seldom

The noise was soft, but steady, enough to let Bucky know someone is coming, but not enough for him to be worried. 

Taking a breath he sits leans back against the bench, resting his arm on the bench, the stub covered with the cloth. It doesn't bother him, not like it did in the beginning, besides the stub is better than the metal monstrosity. 

"Thought I might find you here."

Bucky smiles. 

"Your Majesty. It is a beautiful place."

"Mother, or Queen Mother you'd like. Please, you're family now."

Bucky blushes deeply. 

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Anyhow, I completely agree. This place is truly magical especially this time of the day. The sun breaking over the horizon, the cascade of colors, the quietness before the rush of the day. I figured you for both sunrises and sunsets."

"Mother… would be right. There is something so different, yet so similar about a sunrise and sunset." Bucky replies, glancing away briefly from the view to look at the queen, who was looking at him with kindness and compassion. It breaks something in him, and he quickly looks away. Reaching out, she grabs his hand and covers it with both of hers. 

"Absolutely, although people seldom see it. They think both are vastly different, and they would be right, yet, both offer the same opportunity for something new, and something equal."

"Both can be an ending and a beginning." Bucky offers. The Queen smiles warmly. 

"Absolutely, just like everything has its beauty, even the winter, it's up to us to see it."

"Not everyone wants to see it. I myself hide from it."

"I know. When you are ready you will see it, and cherish the light, the warmth even more than now."

Bucky looks back at her. 

"It feels like we're talking more than just the sunrise."

The Queen shrugs. 

"Perhaps. Then again, perhaps not. Come on, have breakfast with me."

"I'd love to."


	352. Small bat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

17 small bat

The forest is thick and the noise loud. Bucky and Steve are hiking through the trails on the map T'Challa gave them. It's been almost a full month since Steve last visited and he expressed his interest in seeing more of the lands of Wakanda, even hiking to the top of the mountains. So, once Steve set up a time he will be visiting, Bucky made the necessary arrangements and here they are. Hiking. 

They have been hiking for several hours, and will make camp in the caves up the side mountain. 

"I can see the entrance from here, about twenty minutes more." Bucky looked down to see Steve behind him, his smile wide and eyes bright. The sweat in big droplets over his face. 

"That's great, we are opening a cold beer once we get there." Steve replied. Bucky shakes his head. 

"What about water?" 

"Fine fine, water and then a beer." Steve relents. 

Shaking his head, Bucky continues to climb the last bit, with Steve on his heels. Bucky knows the reason why Steve wanted to be behind Bucky is so he can keep an eye out for any trouble, or if Bucky struggles with the one arm. Bucky doesn't have the heart to tell him, it's not the first challenge he had without his arm. Hydra made sure he can do anything, literally anything with one arm just as well, even climbing mountains. This mountain is a breeze, there isn't even snow. 

They reach the opening just as the sun dips below the tree lines, they have about 30 minutes left, tops of sunlight. Bucky quickly sets up two lanterns as Steve sets up the tent. 

"Okay, where is the water, so we can move on to the beer." Steve asks, looking like a kid allowed to have dessert before dinner. 

Bucky hands him the bottle while taking a second one for him. 

"You really like that beer Shuri gave you."

"I really do." 

As they settle down something grabs Steve attention from the side and he lights it up. 

"Buck, come here, look at this."

"What is it?" 

"Looks like a small bat." Coming closer they both watch the small animal before it spreads its wings and flies off into the night sky. 

"That was cool." Steve says watching the small dot. 

"Yes it was. Come on, let's make a fire for dinner, I'm starving."

"You're still cooking right?" 

"Yeah why?" Bucky asks, frowning slightly. Steve smiles widely. 

"I love your cooking."

"Even here, in the wild?" 

"Yeah, everywhere Buck."


	353. You need shoes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before TFA

18 you need shoes

When Steve woke up and made his way to the kitchen, Bucky was already there, sitting at the table, his old wallet next to him and a piece of paper. Bucky was working on their monthly budget. 

"How's it looking?" 

"This month… Actually not too bad Stevie. Not bad at all. But I think you should go over, make sure I didn't miss anything." Bucky answers, smiling as he writes before looking up and giving Steve a wink. Steve mirrors the smile before sitting down with his coffee. 

"You didn't, you don't. Your maths are exceptional, you're just too lazy some days."

Bucky chuckles as he slid the paper over to Steve. 

"True, then again, I do have you."

"Hmm….jerk." Steve takes the paper and starts to go over the list and sums. 

"You got shoes on here."

"You need shoes."

"I still have that old pair, we can maybe skip that and get some extra food." 

"No, you need shoes, that pair is old, has been glued twice and has nearly a month's worth of newspaper in it."

"It does not, not an entire month anyway."

"Still, we're buying it and if there is left over, we can buy some extra food." 

"Are you sure Buck?" 

"Yes. Come on, let's get dressed then we can go do the shopping."

"Breakfast first, then the rest."

"Oh all right, oats?" 

"Yes please, I already put the water on for you." Steve added with a smile. 

  
  



	354. Hallelujah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before TFA

19 Dec hallelujah

It was late as Bucky and Steve walked back home. Both smiling and giggling as they talked and made jokes. It was a late summer night. They weren't drunk, but they weren't exactly sober as well. 

"Oh man, tomorrow is Saturday and I'm not getting out of bed till Monday, this week was such a busy one." Bucky said as they turned the corner. 

"It was, but we have to get up on Sunday, you're mom invited us for lunch remember?"

"Oh yeah… I

I hope she makes those roast potatoes, it's so crispy on the outside and soft inside." Bucky briefly closes his eyes already imagining the lunch. 

Steve nodded. 

"Yeah, with that special gravy she makes, I still can't figure the special ingredient out." 

"I'm just going to owe that to mumness…" 

"Buck that's not even a word."

"It is now…" 

They continued, as they walked further down the road they could hear singing getting louder and louder. 

"Hallelujah, I'm a bum,

Hallelujah, bum again,

Hallelujah, give us a handout

To revive us again." 

Sharing a look Bucky and Steve walked the few yards in silence as they listened. 

"Sounds like only one, drunk and alone."

Bucky whispered. Steve sighs. 

"Do we have some loose money, even if a little?" 

Shrugging Bucky takes out his wallet. 

"A few coins, pennies at the most."

"Better than nothing." 

With a nod Bucky hands the money to Steve as they see the man next to the dumpster, lying on some boxes and an old blanket. 

The homeless man stopped singing as Steve came closer and handed him the money. 

"Bless ya lads…" 

Bucky and Steve just smiled and continued walking. 

"You know Buck, we have so much to be thankful for."

"Yes we do."

In the background they can hear him start to sing again. 

Author note. 

When I Googled hallelujah in the 1930's I found this song. Thought it would be perfect for this. 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hallelujah,_I%27m_a_Bum


	355. Mermaids

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

20 Dec mermaids

Bucky pulls on his collar in an effort to loosen it around his neck. 

"Stop fretting you're doing fine." Sam says as he and Bucky get out of the car. 

"I know, it's just, I'm not used to collars this high." Bucky answers back and walks around to the back where Sam was taking out two gift bags, and handing one to Bucky. 

"Is it really the collar or are you nervous, because I can understand that, but you heard her, she wants you there, they all do." Sam tries, and Bucky wants to say something but the compassion and kindness in Sam's eyes stops him. He sighs. 

"I'm not used to being invited to birthday parties Sam, or being wanted anywhere that isn't a war or battle of sorts."

"Listen, I know, but I also know that you will be fine, my sister and I have full confidence in you, besides I've seen the cake, and that alone is worth this."

Bucky smiles at that. He has also seen the cake and he was impressed. It's not everyday you get to be part of a mermaids theme birthday party for a seven year old who really wants her uncle to be there. 

"Yeah, that cake is impressive."

"I'm telling you man, I never had something like that as a kid."

Bucky smirks. 

"You wanted a mermaid cake too as a kid?" 

"Smartass, no, I wanted a batman one, didn't get it. The cake was black though."

"That's a shame."

"Yeah, maybe this year, to me, from me."

Bucky knows Sam did it to ease him, and he appreciated the gesture, then again, he owes Sam a lot for making him part of his world. 

Carrying a gift each they make their way to the front door. 


	356. Cuba

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

21 Dec cuba

_ "You're going to tell me your plans for the day?" S. Wilson  _

Bucky looks at the message before shaking his head. 

"Everyone okay sir?" 

Looking up at the waitress Bucky nods. 

"Yes thank you. Just an annoying brother, you know how they are."

"Oh yes… Siblings… Can I get you a refill?" 

"No thank you. Just the bill please." 

"Sure thing."

"1. Gran Caverna de Santo Tomás. 2. Seeing the Mural de la Prehistoria on the side of the Mogote Pita and then an afternoon hike up the mountain of Los Aquáticos." 

_ "You're in Cuba right?" S. Wilson  _

"Yes. Currently in Viñales. Tomorrow or the day after it's the Havana beaches."

_ "You're making me jealous Barnes." S. Wilson.  _

Bucky takes a deep breath and smiles. After everything that had happened, Bucky decided to take some time to progress everything. To just get away. Sam made him promise that they will stay in touch, and besides a few texts a day, they haven't had much contact. Bucky agreed on the condition that they do not talk under any circumstances about Steve, or Steve, with Steve or any other form that is to do with Steve. 

He starts to type back. 

"You're welcome to join me the day after tomorrow?" 

_ "Serious?" S. Wilson  _

"Yeah. If you'd like."

_ "Thanks. I'll make arrangements." S. Wilson.  _

"See you then. Chat later." 

Bucky quickly paid for his meal before he started to make his way over to the cave. Maybe it's time he explores the world with someone. Some conversation will be welcomed. 


	357. Oros

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

22 Dec oros

The box is small, a black matte iron case, with a small hatch. Bucky eye it with a heavy feeling. He knows what comes in small boxes like this: jewelry. And since it comes from the Wakandan royal family, he knows it wouldn't be a cheap item and that makes him feel… Unworthy. 

They shouldn't spend so much money on him, they have already given him more than enough, more than he can ever repay. 

"Come on, open it." Shuri encourages. 

Smiling Bucky picks it up, it is cool and light in his hands. He opens the small hatch and his breath catches in his throat. 

"Princess…"

"Knew you'd like it. Did you know according to the native American zodiac, you're in the month of the wolf, which is so cool, since we already call you WhiteWolf. This makes it just so much cooler."

Bucky lifts out the ring. It is silver, with small intricate symbols engraved and in the middle, the silhouette of a wolf.

"It's beautiful." 

"Did you also know that the wolf in nearly every culture signals strength, loyalty, compassion, strength and devotion, among other things. It reminds me of you, all those attributes, it fits you, so I thought that we should put it in a piece you can wear. To remind you, every time you see it, that you are incredibly loved by all of us."

Bucky tries to swallow the lump in his throat but his eyes still water up. 

"Thank you. Did you make it yourself?" He chokes out before putting it on his finger, it fits perfectly. 

"Oh no, I wanted to, in the end, I asked Oros Jewelry to help me, they did most of the design, I did however tweak it a bit with the engravings and small designs."

"It's absolutely amazing, thank you."

Shuri just took hold of his hand and squeezed it. 

"You're welcome. Happy birthday WhiteWolf."


	358. Deliberate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

23 Dec deliberate

(I felt like another have-a-go-at-Steve one) 

From the outside it looks as if Bucky is the complete epitome of calmness. His body isn't tense, his hands slowly folding the clothes before putting it in a bag. 

Sam isn't fooled. He can see the signs. Bucky is too calm. Almost like the Winter Soldier. There is no conscious thought about his movements, it is deliberate and focused. That's the problem. 

Bucky isn't that person anymore, and this looks like he is either channeling his inner Winter Soldier, as a way of coping, or… Or Bucky is somehow relapsing back into the former Hydra agent. 

"Barnes?" Sam asks, his voice soft, cautious. Bucky ignores him as he packs. 

"Bucky?" Sam tries again and it works. Bucky stops moving, looking down to the shirt in his hand, his hands clutch it together. 

"What do you want?" Bucky asks, not looking up, his voice devoid of emotion. It's factual not emotional. 

"Why are you packing up your things?" 

"Because I'm leaving."

"Because of what he did?" 

"Yes."

"Did you know?" 

Bucky briefly closes his eyes, his lip trembling softly. He looks at Sam, and it is enough to break his heart. 

"I suspect, but was hoping… HoHope never did me good."

"I'm so sorry."

"He didn't save me Sam, why didn't he save me? I always saved him. I always will, even at my own cost."

Sam walks closer, his eyes on Bucky. 

"I don't know. I wish I could answer that, but I do know, I can't ask him, you can. I have my own questions, but they don't compare to yours."

"Pain is pain Wilson. You can't compare pain, the heart breaks regardless."

This time it's Sam who tries to get his emotions under control. 

"And hurt just as much."

"Yeah."

Sam looks back at the bag. 

"Where are you going?" 

Bucky shrugs. 

"Don't know yet."

"Want company? We can go nowhere, and anywhere and somewhere together. If you'd like?"

Bucky opens his mouth to say no, that he wants to be alone before he sighs. 

"How quick can you pack?" 

  
  



	359. Great beasts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid Bucky

24 great beasts

Bucky is holding the pamphlet tight in his hands as he makes his way over to Steve's home. He has to show this to Steve, they need to make a plan to go. 

Bucky finds Steve busy with homework while Sarah is sleeping in her room. She is on the night shift again. 

"Hey Stevie… Look at this!" 

Bucky nearly throws the pamphlet at Steve who just shakes his head as he takes it and starts to read. "Come and see the great beasts, with fantastic and wonderful people, talented and weird!" 

He looks up at Bucky, his eyes bright. 

"It's the circus!" 

"Yeah, they're in town, we should go!" 

Steve looks very excited with the idea before he sighs deeply and puts the paper down. 

"Yeah, but I bet it cost way too much for us." 

Bucky sits down at the table. 

"We can find out, there is not a price but it can't be that much. I bet if we make a plan, we can go."

Steve narrows his eyes. 

"By plan, you mean sneak in under the tent." 

"Shhhhhh." Bucky admonishes looking at Sarah's room. 

"Not so loud."

"That's what you mean, isn't it?" 

"Not necessarily…" 

I was thinking maybe I can do some extra chores, and you can maybe do a commission or something."

"Oh."

"Have to admit, it's impressive how you immediately went all rebellious."

"Shut up."

"I always knew you're the rebel in this relationship Stevie."

"Am not."

"Am too."


	360. Great beasts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid Bucky

24 great beasts

Bucky is holding the pamphlet tight in his hands as he makes his way over to Steve's home. He has to show this to Steve, they need to make a plan to go. 

Bucky finds Steve busy with homework while Sarah is sleeping in her room. She is on the night shift again. 

"Hey Stevie… Look at this!" 

Bucky nearly throws the pamphlet at Steve who just shakes his head as he takes it and starts to read. "Come and see the great beasts, with fantastic and wonderful people, talented and weird!" 

He looks up at Bucky, his eyes bright. 

"It's the circus!" 

"Yeah, they're in town, we should go!" 

Steve looks very excited with the idea before he sighs deeply and puts the paper down. 

"Yeah, but I bet it cost way too much for us." 

Bucky sits down at the table. 

"We can find out, there is not a price but it can't be that much. I bet if we make a plan, we can go."

Steve narrows his eyes. 

"By plan, you mean sneak in under the tent." 

"Shhhhhh." Bucky admonishes looking at Sarah's room. 

"Not so loud."

"That's what you mean, isn't it?" 

"Not necessarily…" 

I was thinking maybe I can do some extra chores, and you can maybe do a commission or something."

"Oh."

"Have to admit, it's impressive how you immediately went all rebellious."

"Shut up."

"I always knew you're the rebel in this relationship Stevie."

"Am not."

"Am too."


	361. Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kid Bucky

25 dec christmas

Bucky and Steve glance at each other at the dinner table. The food is not much but delicious, the company outstanding. The Barnes and the Rogers all together around the table. It does not happen often, not with everyone's work and schedules. Although it's Sarah thah is the most irregular. They shared a smile and gave each other a high five under the table. 

They've been trying to get them all together for months now, and finally today. 

"Thank you again, for inviting me and Steve Winnie, I know you've been trying for a while." 

Winnie stopped eating and smiled. 

"It's no hardship Sarah, I'm just glad you finally took a few days off over the festive season."

"Me too." 

Once dinner was over they moved to the living room to exchange gifts. 

Neither Steve nor Bucky really cared about the gifts, to them it was just having their family together. It was a tough year, Steve was more sick than normal and Sarah worked double shifts constantly. Bucky's dad almost died and his younger sister was also sick. 

When each had their small gift, George filled the glasses with sherry while the kids had some cocoa. 

"Merry Christmas all." George called out. 

"Merry Christmas!" Everyone called out in unison. 

Bucky handed Steve an extra gift while Steve did the same. 

They were sitting next to each other. 

"I'm glad you and your mom are here with us Stevie."

"Me too. Thank you Buck."

"You're welcome. Oh, merry Christmas Stevie."

"Merry Christmas Buck."


	362. Under arrest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

26 under arrest

Bucky is sitting in the chair, high strung and anxious. The plan needs to work, this is the one chance, the only chance, he has to make things right. Properly and with the right 'paperwork' to make it legit. 

"I can tell you're nervous, don't be. We planned it well. Only you, me and Sam Wilson know about it. You asked for it like that. Oh and of course Wakanda." Fury states both looking at the big screen against the wall in his office. 

"They deserve to know, you don't want Princess Shuri on your bad side." Bucky replies.

"And I'm not nervous."

"Hmmmm." Fury murmurs, getting another look from Bucky. Bucky has no choice but to trust Fury on this, Fury asked, and Bucky knows Fury meant it when he said he can help and wants to help. Besides, Bucky feels like he owes Fury this, after all Fury had no grudge or I'll feel towards him after what he did all those years ago. 

Before anyone could say something the screen came on, and they watched the report. 

"Today in downtown New York the fugitive James Buchanan Barnes, better known as the Winter Soldier was placed under arrest. He was spotted by and reported by an anonymous tip and went quietly with the arresting officer…." 

Bucky didn't listen to the rest, he just watched as he was cuffed and loaded into a police vehicle. The reporter went on to list his crimes and some history before telling that he will be transferred to a high secure facility to await trial. There won't be one. A report will be issued in a few days stating his progress and will move forward there on. 

Bucky will half disappear from the public eye for the foreseeable future while Fury works to clear his name. 

The report was hardly done when Fury's phone started to ring. 

Steve. 

"You owe me ten bucks." Fury offers and lets it ring. 

Bucky shrugged and took out his wallet, handing a ten dollar note over to Fury. 

"It's actually strange to see how little belief you have regarding him, I bet he would call within five minutes, you said he won't."

"Let's just say I'm surprised." Bucky offers, refusing to meet his eye. Fury kept looking a while longer but didn't say anything as the ringing started up again. Once it stops a notification comes in with a voice message. Fury presses a few buttons and then Steve's voice comes through the speaker. 

"Fury! You promised everything would be okay, what happened? Where is he? What are they going to do? Why didn't you warn him? Why didn't you stop this? Are you going to get him out? Call me!!" 

Bucky and Fury kept looking everywhere except each other. 

Bucky leans back in the chair."Okay, make that double surprised."

"I need to call him back."

"You can't tell him, he is out of the game now, he is retired, this doesn't concern him. Not anymore. Tell him nothing."

"I won't. I promised. I will give him the same story the rest of the world gets."

Bucky looks at Fury, his eyes hard. 

"Good." 

  
  



	363. Rock roses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recovery Wakanda

27 rock roses

Making his way down to the lake, Steve tries to be as quiet as possible, yet quick. He is supposed to arrive only late this afternoon but made it earlier in the hopes to surprise Bucky. It's been a while since he last visited and is very excited to be here for again. Every time he visits or speaks to Bucky, he can see the healing, he can see the young man he once knew and it makes everything he does worthwhile. For a long time he didn't believe in the fight anymore until he got Bucky back, or, close to back. 

Coming close to the hut, he can hear soft singing and feels his chest constricts. Bucky. He recognizes the voice, but not the song, it's a soft humming. He forgot what Bucky's singing or humming sounded like. Taking a moment he just stands there and listens before slowly making his way further to the hut.

Bucky is standing with his back to Steve and have a watering can in his hand. He is wearing soft but worn trousers and one of the wakanda scarves is tied around his chest, hiding his stump. Steve feels the pangs of guilt at seeing the absence of the arm. He still remembers the shock in Bucky's eyes as Tony blew it off, he still remembers the burning smell of metal and wires as he looked upon the gaping hole. The way Bucky struggled to walk, because the heavy weight is off, and his body is trying to recalibrate the difference. He remembers the hard look in his eyes as he refused another arm, choosing to be without one, than having another metal piece attached to his body. 

He walks closer and Bucky stops singing. He slowly puts the can down and like a flash spun around holding a knife in his right hand. Steve lifts his arm in surrender. 

"Hey Buck."

"Steve?... But… You were due this afternoon?" 

"Yeah… Surprise."Steve offers with a side smile and Bucky shakes his emhead before putting the knife away. He walks over to Steve and Steve wasted no time to pull Bucky into a hug. 

"I missed you."

"Missed you too. Welcome."

"Thanks." Steve's eyes caught the watering can and the pots with small plants. 

"What are you doing, making a garden?" 

"Yeah, I'm trying to make a vegetable garden as well as my a cacti garden, my rock roses is coming on nicely."

"You're what?" Steve asks surprised. Bucky points to a flower that to Steve is looking like some sort of flower made out of cactus leaves.

"My rock roses, these over here, I saw these in the royal courtyard and loved it, it's so unique and different. Shuri gave me a few small ones, says it's up to me to make it grow, apparently it's perfect for 'garden beginners'" Bucky replied with air quotes on the garden beginners. 

Steve starts to laugh softly. 

"What?, Hey there is nothing wrong with a garden." 

"It's not that."

"Then what?" 

Steve looks at Bucky and thinks how he can explain the absolute joy and tremendous gratitude for seeing Bucky making a life for himself, for standing up and moving on, for healing, for being here with him. He doesn't have the words, he doesn't have the script for this, so he did the only thing he could. He hugged Bucky again, feeling the solid form of his best friend. 

"Steve?" 

"I'm happy to be here with you Buck. It's my favorite place in this whole world."

Bucky hugs him tighter. 

"Same Steve."

  
  



	364. Make it stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

28 make it stop

The last rays of the sunlight are casting long glows but he wasn't paying attention to that. On the table was a range of weapons, from guns to knives all neatly spaced out. Bucky was busy sharpening a knife, the rhythmic sound of the metal against the stone the only sound. 

Sam walks out with two cups of coffee and puts one between the weapons in front of Bucky. 

"How long does it usually take you to clean it all?" 

Bucky stops and puts the knife down to pick up his coffee. 

"Aaah thank you. It's perfect. Usually about three to four hours, depending."

"Depending?" Sam asks and indicates Bucky should go on with it by pointing his coffee. 

"My mood, my state of mind, it usually calms me." 

"Gives you a moment to clear your head, get some perspective." 

Bucky shrugs and smiles. 

"Something like that." 

They sit in comfortable silence for a while before Sam puts his empty cup down. 

"I take it you're accepting Fury's offer."

"My great chance of redemption… To redeem me of my past…"

"Oh, make it stop…" Sam groaned loudly before putting his head against his forehead in a dramatic way. 

"You're sounding like the voice over of a hallmark drama miniseries…

"You're such an arse, can't believe I'm stuck with you." Bucky shot back, still smiling. 

"Yeah, I must find out if there is a refund on that glue."

In response Bucky just lifts his hand with the middle finger out. 

Sam pulls a face and leans closer, suddenly all serious. 

"Barnes, for what it's worth, I'm glad to have you on my side."

  
  



	365. Hook, line and sinker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WW2

29 hook, line and sinker

The bar is playing an old song, a classic hit, everyone knows the song and is either humming along, or singing softly under their breath. 

Bucky knows the song, but he isn't singing or humming, instead he is sitting in the corner, nursing his fifth whiskey. 

The rest of the Howlies all are around the table drinking and being happy. Another successful mission, another good day in the world of War. 

Bucky didn't feel like celebrating anything tonight, maybe in the beginning, but he has seen too much, been through too much to know that celebrating doesn't mean much, not when it is done on so much blood poured into the soil. It feels tainted. 

Then again, maybe he is just becoming a bitter old man. He seems to be the only one. Steve is actually having the time of his life. 

Bucky snorts and takes another sip of his whiskey. 

If there was one man, who not only finds his passion in a war, but also the girl of his dreams it would be Steve. 

Bucky's face pulls into a ugly smile. He is happy for his friend, don't get him wrong, it's just, why couldn't he find his passion at home? With his art? Same with the girl? 

It's time to face facts, he lost his best friend, gone is the days of two boys against the world. Sure, they will be friends, but it won't be the same. It will never be the same again. Steve has fallen for Agent Carter, hook, line and sinker. 

Bucky would know, the same happened to him, but it wasn't a win, no… it was hook, line and sinker to a small blond boy with Asthma. 


	366. Choked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During ' The Winter Soldier' helicarrier scene

30 choked

His arm is reaching for something, anything to help him to get free from being choked by the blond man who claims to be his friend. The soldier doesn't have friends, he has handlers. 

_ 'Trust him!'  _

Trust him? The man is choking him, the man is trying to stop him from succeeding his mission! Who is the voice anyway? 

He tries to get free again, but the man tightens his grip. How is he stronger than me? 

_'You know him!'_ No I don't. I've never had him as a handler before. I know my handlers, the bad ones and the worst ones. This blond isn't bad or worse, so he isn't mine. 

The corners of my eyes are going dark, my vision narrowing. I can't get out of his grip, I'm going to lose consciousness. I'm going to fail my mission. 

The man got me beat. 

_ 'the man got you a long time ago.' _

I don't know what it means, I lose consciousness. 


	367. Too soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After endgame

31 Dec too soon

Today is the day. 

It's Bucky's first day as an Avenger, the Compound is rebuilt, his name is cleared and he is cleared to be part of the new group of people to defend the world and everything in it. 

Standing in front of the mirror Bucky stares back at his reflection, he is wearing a state of the art suit, he has his own range of weapons and he is cleared to go where he wants and do what he wants, in reasonable terms that is. 

Looking away from the mirror he walks to his desk and picks up his phone and wallet. His eye catches the photo frame on the edge. It's a very old photo of both Bucky and Steve. Before the war, before he lost his arm, before the serum. Just two boys. 

_ 'Buck, she had a photo of me, before the serum, that got to say something right?'  _

_ 'Right Steve.' _

Bucky smiles and opens his drawer before putting the photo front down in the drawer. 

"I also had a photo of you before the serum, Stevie, what does it say about me?" 

The room stays silent. 

Sighing Bucky walks to the door. Maybe his life, his dreams and hopes were destroyed way too soon, but today is a new chapter in his life, maybe, just maybe, he can build a new life, dream a new dream and renew some lost hope. 

"Barnes! You coming?" 

"Coming. Miss me already?" Bucky calls back and bursts out laughing as Sam yells back. 

  
  



	368. Last word from the author

Hi everyone. 

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you, to thank each and everyone for their dedication, perseverance and understanding this year. 

Thank you all for each comment, for each idea, for walking this path and journey with me. 

It was a very tough and painful year, and I never imagined it would be just a struggle and challenge for us all out there. 

I hope with this drabbles and snippets I was able to just ease a little bit of that hardship. To take your mind off for the minute it took you to read this. To have a moment where the world wasn't so pressing hard, but allowed your imagination to take you away, even for a moment. 

Thank you all. 

I hope with every fiber of my heart that the year ahead, will bring us a new hope, a new dream and a new chance to be happy. 

Take care. 


End file.
